Lost and Found
by unnamedconspirator
Summary: Gary Clark took Derek from her, and another tragedy took her baby 7 months later. Or did it? 4 years later, Meredith will finally realize what she needs to keep on living... maybe its right in front of her. In the meantime, Everyone else faces the same thing in different ways. S11 McSlexie, Japril, Calzona, Jolex, Omelia. Basically like watching Greys TV Read to find out more!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, I make no money off this fic. Shonda owns these characters.

Lost and Found

Prologue

Alex woke up before the alarm and stared at it for a moment before shutting it off. He sighed and rubbed his face. In the bed beside him, Jo sighed and shifted slightly. He kissed the top of her head and sat up in bed. They still had half an hour before they had to get up to get ready for work. As quietly as possible he padded out the door and down the hallway to the bathroom.

After he relieved himself, he washed his hands and stood in the hallway, debating if he should grab breakfast early or nudge Jo awake for a morning pick-me-up. Bacon or sex? That's what everything boiled down to right?

But his early morning contemplations were interrupted by a cry from Mer's room. Meredith. His best friend. He was her person now. Yesterday, as he scrubbed out of surgery, Cristina had bequeathed her to him:

" _Listen Evil Spawn," Cristina said, scrubbing out beside him."I need you to look out for her. You're the only one I trust."_

" _I thought you didn't like me," He said sarcastically._

 _She shrugged, "I guess you grew on me... like a weed."_

" _You don't have to worry, I've always looked out for her."_

" _No. You don't understand, this is more than that." She finished scrubbing and patted her hands dry with a towel. "Like, if I wasn't leaving for Switzerland in two hours, I'd have written up a contract and you'd be signing it in blood."_

 _He stopped scrubbing and looked at her, "Oh... you want me to be her-"_

" _Person." Cristina finished. "Look, she needs someone around that gets her, and you do. I know you do."_

" _Yang, I was there... as much as you were. When Derek died, when Mer screwed up enough courage to keep the baby and try and be a single mom, when she carried it for eight months before the car crash... when she lost it. I was there for all the crap after that too. I get it. I get her. And I'm not going anywhere."_

 _Cristina looked at him strangely._

" _What?" he half snarled._

" _I want to hug you."_

 _Alex took a step back from her, "We don't hug."_

" _Right. What was I thinking?" She put her hands on her hips for a moment and looked up at the ceiling. "Okay..." Cristina extended her arm out instead, "Shake on it?"_

" _Fine." He reached out and grasped her warm hand in a firm handshake._

" _You're her person now."_

" _I'm her person."_

 _As they left the scrubroom Alex had a sudden thought, "Does this mean she's gonna take over my bed?"_

" _Oh probably."_

" _Damn."_

Now, standing in the hallway listening to his friend fight through a nightmare, he realized the sudden responsibility he had taken on. "Crap," he muttered. No sex or bacon for him this morning.

 **A/N:** Okay... so this will be a different kind of fic. What if Derek died in the shooting? What if Meredith _supposedly_ lost the baby in another tragedy seven months later? We pick up more than four years later at the begining of season 11. Mark and Lexie are still with us. Are they together? April and Jackson got together sooner. Cristina still leaves for Switzerland, but Maggie Pierce has arrived and has to figure out which Grey is her sister... Amelia still went through what she went through and has also arrived, catching the attention of a certain ginger-haired chief. Alex is still working on his Africa project, bringing a certain child in for more shunt surgery... Arizona and Callie are Arizona and Callie. And Meredith? Let's just say that the Medusa title sticks around longer...

I am intending to write this sort of like how an episode would play out. With portions dedicated to each pairing I present. That said, there will be a connecting thread between most of these stories. Did Meredith's baby really die? Maybe it's still out there. Let's find out shall we?


	2. Chapter 2

Dr. Margret Pierce- 'Maggie' took a deep breath as she stared at the hospital sign. Shepherd Grace Memorial Hospital. The story was legend among west-coast circles, the gunman who'd shot so many people including the Chief of Surgery at the time, rising star neuro surgeon Dr. Derek Shepherd. She remembered reading an article about a clinical trial he'd done to shrink tumours. It was tragic, the whole thing.

Today was her first official day of work and she hoped to make a good impression with her colleagues.But she'd not just arrived here to for her new job as head of Cardio, but to find out about a certain doctor whose surname Grey was the same as her biological mother's. She was here to find answers.

She marched through the doors, hopped into the elevator, and jabbed the button for the fifth floor.

"Wait, hold the elevator!" Someone called, Maggie swiftly pressed the 'door open' button on the panel. A flustered blue-eyed brunette scrambled in. "Thanks! God, I didn't want to be late!"

Maggie turned to the woman, "I totally understand. You work here?"

"Yeah. Neuro. You?"

"Cardio," Maggie held out her hand. "I'm Dr. Pierce, Maggie," She said warmly.

The woman shook her hand. "Oooh, the new cardio chief."

"Yes."

"I'm Amelia. Dr. Shepherd," she introduced herself.

"Shepherd?" Maggie asked. "As in the hospital name Shepherd?"

"That Shepherd... was my brother." Amelia said slowly.

Maggie was glad she was dark skinned, she could feel her face flush. "I'm sorry..."

"S'okay. I get that a lot." She shrugged sadly. "It's been a few years. I'm good." The elevator opened with a ding and the two walked out together. "I'll show you to the conference room," Amelia said, leading the way.

Maggie regretted bringing up the Shepherd thing. Amelia was tight lipped now. Still, she was excited to meet her colleagues at the attendings meeting. They entered the room just in time, and Amelia swiped a pastry from the side table as she scoped out a seat. Maggie chose her seat on the end of the long table, next to a short African American woman.

"Have a seat everyone," Chief Hunt said. "Uh, we want to welcome our new Chief of Cardio, Dr. Maggie Pierce." He gestured to her and all the attendings turned toward her in a chorus of hello's. Maggie greeted them with a wave of her hand, "Hi," She said.

Chief Hunt looked around the group. "We seem to be missing a few," he said.

"Kepner, Avery and Karev are in trauma," the woman beside Maggie said. "House fire."

"And Meredith?" Hunt asked.

She scowled. "Don't you know what day it is, fool? Did you forget already?"

Owen's face turned red. "Right, of course," He sighed deeply. "Moving along... the Chief of Neuro position is open, now that Dr. Weller has retired. We are welcoming all internal applicants-"

Suddenly the door burst open, and a woman strode in out of breath, her hair pulled in a tight ponytail and carrying a tablet in her hands.

"Lexie?" Hunt said, "I thought you were on an aneurysm clipping?"

Lexie slumped. "He didn't make it," she said, "and I wanted to come meet the new Chief of Cardio."

Hunt cleared his throat. "Very well, Dr. Grey, Lexie- this is Dr. Maggie Pierce."

"Dr. Grey?" Maggie bolted up in her seat.

"That's me," Lexie said, reaching over to shake her hand."

Excitement filled Maggie's heart. Could this potentially be her half sister? "It's- It's nice to meet you..."

The meeting continued quickly after that and when they were dismissed, Maggie found herself in an elevator with Dr. Grey.

Lexie was on the phone however. "Alex," She was saying, "can you please make sure you pick up Mer from the bar tonight? I don't want her to drink herself silly. Yes... I'm still staying on the couch. Mark is- whatever... I'm not talking about it now, especially with you." She hung up, "Uhh... sisters," She moaned, "And ex-boyfriend or boyfriend-whatevers." She stopped when she saw Maggie in the corner. "Oh... sorry, I uh-"

"It's fine," Maggie smiled. She really had no interest in that conversation. It sounded too complicated. "Dr Grey? Any relation to Ellis?" She asked casually.

"Ellis? Oh- I'm not- I mean, she was married to my Dad but they divorced before I was born, so-"

"Oh." Disappointment deflated her once high hopes of finding some kinship here.

"Meredith is Ellis' daughter," Lexie continued, "She'll be here tomorrow."

"Oh," Maggies heart fluttered with hope again. "Cool."

xxx

Meredith was at home. She would prefer to be at work, but somehow, everyone got the idea that on the anniversary of Derek's death, his post-it widow should be at home grieving or something. Last year, her attempt to show up at work had resulted in a shouting match in front of a patient because Bailey didn't see her fit to operate. Meredith shook her head at the memory. She wanted to work, do something... get her mind off the impending sadness. She sighed as she watched the coffee drip-drip-drip into the pot. Cristina had been gone now for less then twenty-four hours and she already missed her Person.

Apparently she had a new Person. Alex. Apparently they shook on it. What was she? A used car you make a deal over? But it was okay. She had a really bad nightmare last night and he'd shaken her awake, calming her through her disorientation. If she had to have a new Person, she was glad it was Alex.

She poured the freshly brewed coffee in her mug and waited. The house was empty, everyone had run off to work by now. Meredith sat, waiting. Any minute now...

At exactly 8 a.m. the house phone rang. Meredith didn't budge from her spot at the kitchen table. She waited for the machine to pick it up.

"Hello Meredith, it's Carolyn. I know you're listening. This is a hard day for both of us... We all miss him. I think about Derek everyday. And you. What you lost. It's- well, unimaginable. But life does get better, and there is light at the end of the tunnel, Meredith. There is hope. And love. I hope you don't give up on it yet. You're too young dear. Well, goodbye dear, feel free to call anytime. You still are family to me."

The call ended with an abrupt click.

Meredith took a long sip of her coffee and moved out of the chair. She had to do something today. Maybe she should clean. The place was a mess. Cleaning might just be enough to get her mind off of things.

She clambered through the house, gathering cleaning supplies from all the closets and cupboards to prepare for a thorough disinfecting of her so-called 'frat house'. When she had a pile the size of a mini Mount Kilimanjaro on her kitchen table, she stopped to figure out where to start first.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell.

Who rang the doorbell at her house? She crept cautiously to the front door and opened it slightly. Of course it'd be him.

"Lexie's not here Mark."

His expression morphed into that sad puppy dog face.

"Seriously, Mark, she doesn't want to talk to you. You screwed up."

"I know, I-"

"You slept with Amelia. Just when Lexie finally moves in with you and finally feels ready to give you what you want you have to go and screw another Shepherd sister-" She couldn't stop herself, it was the perfect distraction from her I-miss-mcdreamy thoughts, and Mark was just standing there, a perfect target for her verbal assaults.

"-Grey," Mark started.

"And aren't you supposed to be working? How is private practice anyway? Find more boobs to inflate?" It wasn't that she hated him or his practice, actually half of Mark's work was pro-bono. But it was frustrating when true love was staring people in the face and they didn't even see it. She had wasted too much time in that phase and then she lost it. So-

"Mer-"

"I mean, really- you two are just exhausting-"

"Meredith!" Mark shouted at her.

"What?" She snapped back.

"I'm not here about Lexie right now okay? I'm here for you."

"Oh." Suddenly she was speechless. "You're here for me?" She parrotted.

"It's the fifth anniversary of Derek's death. I miss him too. You gonna let me in?"

Meredith stepped back, opening the door to let him in. "Fine, but you're in charge of cleaning the bathrooms."

 **A/N** Okay... well what do you think? Let's see how this all plays out...

Also, shameless plug- Olivia Benson fans may enjoy my crossover fic Growing Pains. Check it out!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Thank you for all your support everyone! I am overwhelmed!

This is quite the story for sure! To the Guest who commented about Mcslexie- I do have that end game in mind... it just might take awhile.

To Patsy, I know it is sad to read about Dead Derek. My inspiration seems to come from tragedy, and I just couldn't get this out of my head. But thank you so much for being one of my biggest fans! I sure do appreciate it :) :)

We are still on the same day- we will be for awhile, as I intend on keeping the chapters shortish so I can update more frequently.

Anyway...

Enjoy!

Jackson tore his yellow trauma gown off along with his gloves. It had been a a busy morning with the house fire and all, and he had to deal with a woman who had severe burns to more than fifty percent of her body. He honestly wasn't sure if she would make it. Wilson was with her now, cleaning and debriding the wounds. Now that the patient was stable, he thought it best to pick up his four-year old son Noah from daycare for lunch before he would be spending the day growing skin for his new patient.

"What should we have to eat?" He took Noah's hand as they headed to the cafeteria.

"No cawotts," Noah replied seriously.

"No carrots? But carrots are good for you."

"No cawotts." Noah repeated.

Jackson knew to pick his battles, so he didn't argue. He picked different foods from the cafeteria's selection, paid for it, and sat down at the table. "Alright, lets see here..." Jackson murmured. He picked up a ham and cheese sandwhich, set it on a plate and cut it into quarters. "How about ham and cheese?"

"Ham and cheese!" Noah repeated excitedly, reaching for a piece of the sandwhich. Jackson also had a bite of the sandwich.

"Where's mommy?" Noah asked.

"Mommy's working," Jackson said. April had been held up by another trauma, and while he worried for his pregnant wife, he wasn't going to hover... she hated that. He trusted she knew her body and what she could handle.

Noah readily accepted that answer, used to it by now and he sat up on his knees in the chair and reached for some grapes, his large light eyes watching the goings on of events in the cafeteria.

Noah had been... unexpected. To Jackson, Noah was a reminder that life was short. People died, babies were born, and love could be made from the smallest strands of friendship.

 _Five years ago:_

" _Umm, you can stay in Izzie's old room, second upstairs on the right," Meredith said, as she stepped aside for Jackson to come in. "April's room is beside yours."_

" _Kay, thanks for this," Jackson replied. The move had been sudden, since Percy and Reed passed away, it was hard to be in their old place without them._

 _Meredith nodded. "Just keep it down, Alex just got back and he's still recovering."_

" _Sure," He looked at Meredith and swallowed. She just looked devasted. "Are you okay?" He asked._

" _I- " She looked down at her hands, "Can I get you anything? A drink or something?"_

 _He acknowledged her attempt at avoidance. Of course she didn't want to talk. Talking led to feeling and feeling led to breakdown. Instead he hefted his bags and looked up the stairs. "I'm okay, I'll just go get settled." He carried his bags upstairs and plopped them on the empty bed. Jackson sighed. The funerals for Percy and Reed were tomorrow. He'd have to find his black suit._

 _A strange sound echoed down the hall. Was someone crying? Another noise. A sob. At first he wondered if it was Meredith, but it was too high pitched, he thought. He stepped into the hallway. "April?"_

 _April's room was only two strides away and the door was open. He stopped in the doorway. His friend's small form sat in the middle of the unmade bed, knees drawn to her chest, her head down as her body shook with sobs._

" _Hey," Jackson greeted softly._

 _April looked up with big tear-stained eyes. When she saw him, she sniffed loudly and wiped her tears with her forearm. There was so much feeling in that expression, Jackson could hardly bear it._

 _Screw it, he thought. He stepped across the threshold of the door frame. The image of Gary Clark turning his gun from Meredith to Derek and firing the second shot that would kill him flashed through his mind. People got shot. People died. April was... all he had right now._

 _In another two steps he was beside her on the bed, wrapping his arms around her. He whispered comforting noises in her ear as she sobbed into his neck. "There was s-so much blood," She whimpered. "How could this happen?"_

" _I don't know..." It just did. He didn't have any particular explanation. Things happened._

" _It was a stupid crush!"_

 _Her sudden exclamation threw him off. "What?" he pulled away for a second to look into her deep green eyes._

" _Shepherd. I had a stupid crush on him. But Meredith- she really loved him didn't she?" April asked._

 _He remembered Meredith standing in front of Clark's gun. 'Shoot me,' She pleaded, 'I'm your eye for an eye.'_

" _She did." He swallowed._

" _How can you do that? Love someone that much that you'd die for them? I mean, Jesus died on the cross for us- which is no comparison- but he did it for the whole world- for a reason. There was a plan." She sniffed, "But to put yourself in front of a – a madman with a gun-"_

" _Meredith really loved him." Jackson said._

" _Will we ever find that kind of love?" April asked, a general inquiry to the world._

 _Jackson was overwhelmed by the question. He didn't necessarily believe in 'love' per sae. Coming from a broken home, 'love' had limits. 'Love' only went so far. It was... If two people cared about each other and wanted to be together then they should be. So to him, love wasn't something he believed in. It was something you made, or you broke. All he could say to April's question was, "I don't know."_

 _They sat there on the mattress in silence for what seemed like hours. Finally Jackson sighed, he was tired and needed rest. He started to slowly extricate himself from April, but she tugged on his shirt. He looked down at her, his expression asking._

" _Kiss me." April said._

" _What?" She was his friend, he hadn't thought of her in any other way. But-_

" _I haven't lived Jackson. I'm twenty-eight years old and I haven't even had sex. I was covered in Reed's blood. I watched Derek Shepherd die in the arms of his wife. I haven't lived. Please... kiss me."_

 _He did. Soft and tender, like her, and she replied passionately._

 _A day after the funeral they kissed again. A week later April led him to her bedroom and gazed at him for a long time. He sank into the depths of her gaze and returned the same meaningful appraisal._

 _She unbuttoned his shirt. They kissed again, longer and more intense. And as April ran her hands down his bare chest, he asked, "Are you sure?"_

" _Please..." She whispered._

 _They kissed. They made love. They made Noah._

"Okay buddy," Jackson picked Noah up after clearing off his tray. "I'll take you back. Mommy will come visit you later okay?"

"Can we watch CARS tonight daddy?"

"Sure, if you're good." He put Noah down so he could run beside him.

"Yah!" Noah said, as he started for the elevators.

They made Noah, they made love. And now another one was on its way.

xxx

Arizona literally bumped into Callie after lunch.

"Hey," Callie greeted her, smiling as usual. "How's it going?"

Arizona smiled back. "It's... it's good." Things had been a little rocky between them these past few weeks as they had been discussing having another baby. And now, a conversation with Dr. Hernan got her thinking about a fetal surgery fellowship.

"So, surrogacy?" Callie asked.

"Do you think we can do this?" Arizona deflected. Just a few days ago, a patient who was a surrogate had been brought in after being in a car accident. They had to deliver the baby early. Thankfully, everything was okay. But the accident brought up hard memories for them. What if something happened to the person that was carrying their child?

"We were so lucky with Sofia," Callie stopped in the hall. "After what happened to Meredith- I mean she got hit out by the Sound- nothing but a crappy understaffed, underequipped medical center in the middle of nowhere. Of course they couldn't handle that kind of trauma. What if it happens to us?"

Arizona saw the panic in her wife's eyes, and she wanted to reassure her. "It's-" Arizona started, "We can't know what's going to happen," She grabbed Callie's hand and squeezed. "Ninety-nine percent of the time, everything is fine."

"I know," Callie agreed. "But we're talking Seattle-Grace-Mercy-Death. Shootings and car accidents and plane crashes and storms."

"Well," Despite her ambitions Arizona still wanted to please Callie. She'd hurt her. She'd had an affair and she wanted Callie to know that she was in this. "Do we have to go the whole inception – conception route? I mean there was this little girl Alex was working on today, she lived in a foster home, and the house burned down. Her foster mom's in serious condition and tomorrow, this little girl is going to be placed in another foster home."

Callie squinted, her hands pulling down on her labcoat. "What are you trying to say?" She asked curiously.

"So many kids need homes Callie. And we have a home, and we have love..."

"Wait," Callie said, and Arizona couldn't read her expression. "You want to adopt?"

Arizona shrugged, "It's just a thought," she said.

"Hmm..." Callie murmured.

xxx

 **A/N:** Hmmm indeed. That Japril scene just came to me, eager to hear from some Japril and Calzona fans. Please Review!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Thanks for your follows and favs. And thanks titi! glad to have you on board as my Japril fan, I hope to do the characters justice.

Anywhat...

Alex checked a few boxes on his chart for his patient. A four-year old girl with a few minor burns and some smoke inhalation damage. Thankfully, she'd be able to make a complete recovery. Kids were resiliant. The only problem? The poor kid really had no home to go to. A foster kid, she was now set to be rotated out to another foster home as this one had been burned down and her foster mother was in critical condition. He sighed. He could empathize.

So far, the little girl seemed to accept the situation with a grace only a child could. He tore a lab order form from the chart and stuck it into a clear plastic bag with a blood sample. For now the girl slept peacefully in her very large bed.

He walked back to the nurses station to find an intern to run the labs for him and checked his watch. It was early afternoon, should he call Mer? Was that his new Person duty?

"Alex!" Someone called, and he spun around from the desk, half groaning. It wasn't someone. It was Lexie, and that meant rambling. He pulled open the drawer to Arizona's stash and pulled out a package of reese's peanut butter cups. Maybe that would distract her.

"What? I'm busy." He tried to sound grumpy.

"No you're not. I checked the OR board and your patient list. " She knew him too well.

"Whatever. I'm not your girl. I'm already Mer's Person."

"Well you're just going to have to deal with it. I was going to talk to April but she's in the OR with Hunt, and can I just say it's hard to talk to people when they have pregnancy hormones raging through their system?"

"So?" Alex tossed the candy bar up to Lexie, hoping it will slow her down.

"Ooh Reeses peanut butter cups!" She tore open the package, grabbed one of the sweet treats and took a bite. "Anyway... I am so mad at Mark right now, and Amelia- I just want to punch her in the face!"

"Why?" He asked.

"They slept together!" Lexie exclaimed, jamming the other half of the peanut butter cup into her mouth.

"So?"

"What do you mean, 'so?'"

"I mean, that. So?"

"Can't you be on my side?"

"Look, I told you, I'm not gonna be a girl for you, okay? I don't care about Sloan and Shepherd."

"Argh, you- you're infuriating!" She bit into another peanut butter cup, and appeared to be trying not to cry.

Alex sighed and crossed his arms, looking up at Lexie from his slouched position in his chair. "You wanna know what I think?"

Lexie nodded, swallowing.

"Sloan cares about you. He loves you. But Amelia was hurting, and so was he. They both lost Derek, and they're both sometimes immature fifteen year olds. So they had comfort sex. You have stress eating, Mer has tequila, and Sloan has sex with inappropriate people. I mean he saved your life on that plane didn't he? He's willing to give up his practice and move to DC if you get that BRAIN fellowship you applied for isn't he? And let's not forget what you and I did that one time..."

"Mark and I were broken up!"

"Maybe, but Mark didn't think so."

"Urgh!" Lexie threw her last peanut butter cup at Alex. It hit him in the chest as she stormed away. Alex grinned, peeling the wax wrapper off. He took a bite out of the sweet and salty snack. That wasn't so bad, he thought, it was kind of fun watching Lexie squirm.

xxx

Lexie stormed away, her white lab coat billowing behind her. Ahead of her, she saw a target. Amelia Shepherd. Boosted by her sugary treat, she picked up the pace. She was going to have a 'little chat' with that dirty mistress.

"Uh, Lexie?" A deep voice boomed. She turned around suddenly and was face to face with Richard Webber. "Dr. Webber!" Lexie said with forced cheerfulness. She quickly looked back to see Amelia turning the corner further down. She was getting away. "I uh, have to do this thing- uh lab results-" She thumbed down the hall and turned back toward the direction Amelia had been going in.

"Dr. Grey!" It was Webber's tone for 'stop what you're doing, or you're in big trouble,'

"What?" Lexie's posture slouched, slightly defeated. She turned slightly toward him, still wanting to chase after Amelia.

Webber took a few steps toward her, an official looking envelope in hand. "This came in the mail today." He handed it to her, and she clutched it nervously. It had the president's seal on it. It was from D.C.

"The B-BRAIN initiative?"

"It seems you've caught their attention, Dr. Grey."

She didn't think it would be possible that they would pick her for their research fellowship. Despite good surgical success, she was still a relative nobody out here, more so out east. Was this their acceptance letter?

"You gonna open that?"

Her whole world could shift on the results of this letter. The question was... did she want it to? "I..."

"Well, let Hunt know when you've made a decision. There's still that opening for Chief of Neuro we need to fill."

"Oh... uh, I-I'll get back to you. Er Hunt, I mean."

Richard nodded and smiled. "Good work Dr. Grey, this is what everyone dreams of in med school," and with that, he patted her on the shoulder and headed off.

Lexie stared at the envelope for a few more seconds, then swallowed. She needed to find a vending machine.

xxx

Mark was just finishing up the downstairs bathroom, when he heard a crash. "Grey?" He called. He didn't hear an answer right away, so he dropped the windex and paper towel and dashed upstairs. "Grey?" He called again, searching the rooms.

"I'm fine... I just- I'm fine," He heard Meredith reply. He found her in her room, clutching her side, breathing hard. A box of books was overturned on the ground. "I was grabbing this box, and it was a little too heavy I guess... then I tripped."

"Your hip..." Mark said, moving toward her.

"It's fine, it's nothing, just a bruise probably." She sat down on the bed.

He sat down besider her to better observe her. "I don't know how you get through twelve hour surgeries."

"Practice. And lots of physical therapy. And sometimes I get a stool. I'm not ashamed to admit that."

"Hm."

"Can you put those books back in the box and move it over to that corner?"

"Always the bossy one," He grinned, and set about to do as ordered.

Meredith sighed, "Carolyn called," she said.

"Oh?"

"She calls every year and leaves a message. I don't pick up because I don't know what to say to her. What am I supposed to say?"

"You don't have to say anything, she understands."

"I should've listened to her- she was going to get a cab, she didn't want me to pick her up at the airport."

Mark shook his head he blamed himself too. He should've been available to pick up Carolyn, he should've ignored that emergency page. Family came first right? "You can't play the blame game," He said. Still it was always hard to face- the death of your spouse and the death of your unborn child all in one year.

Meredith sighed sadly. "I know. I just do sometimes." She got up and walked back over to the closet. "I have some old sheets and towels in here that should go in the hallway- oh."

Mark put the box down in the corner, wondering if Meredith was in pain, but when he turned around, he saw her holding a soft pink blanket. She dropped the towels and sheets on the floor and lay down on her bed with the blanket.

"Mer?" Mark asked.

"I forgot I still had this," she whispered, clutching the blanket to her cheek. "I was going to have her wrapped in this, after she was born."

"I remember," Mark approached the bed and sat down. He reached out and felt the soft fleece of the baby blanket. "Lexie bought this for you. We had to go to like six different stores to find the right shade of pink," He smiled bittersweetly.

Meredith sat up. "You have to work things out with Lexie. Don't let this be your unhappy never after."

"I want to- I just don't know if she'll forgive me."

Meredith sighed, "Well for one, stop having sex with every doctor who walks in the door."

"I know... Amelia and I..." He shrugged, he didn't really know how to explain it. "I picked her up at the airport... and she was upset... she broke up with her fiance, and she missed Derek and I missed Derek and we just- it just happened." He held his head in his hands at a loss.

"If Derek was here he'd punch you in the face. For like, the third time."

Mark smiled, "He would, wouldn't he?"

"I would, but I bruise easily and you probably have a hard head."

"I do have a hard head."

"You have to fix this, Mark." She pulled herself up against the headboard of the bed and clutched her knees to her chest. "I don't want anyone to lose the love of their life like I did. I wasn't sure I'd make it. If I didn't have another life growing in me at the time... I don't know what I'd do. And then, when I lost her?"

Mark nodded. "I know..."

"I almost died. I gave up Mark, I really did. Twice almost."

Mark had nothing to say, he just put his hand on Meredith's knee and squeezed.

"You know why I woke up after my accident? Why I fought so hard to breathe on my own?"

He shook his head slowly.

"I thought I heard Derek say I wasn't finished," she whispered. "And then I thought I heard a baby cry. My baby. I thought I heard her cry. And then I woke up... and she was... I was empty."

Her words struck him like a knife. She wanted to die, Meredith didn't want to live without Derek and now she was, and though she took it like a trooper, she would never be the same. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"So you better fix this stupid thing with Lexie, if you love her, if you really do, nothing else should matter."

Mark swallowed and gave Meredith a half hug. "I just hope she still loves me, they way I love her."

"I hope so too."

 **A/N:** Intense!

For my Fight to Remember fans, I will be working on that update in the next few days.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Special thanks to my fanclub... Mandyg67, Patsy, Greysfannn, roganjalex, brookeyy14! Also thanks to the Guest reviews and titi and CristinaYang4ever! Thanks for leaving your thoughts! And thanks to all the wonderful people who have followed and faved this fic! Makes my day!

Enjoy!

Owen looked down with concern at the mangled insides of his patient- a thirty-two year old woman T-boned at an intersection. Severe crush injuries, internal bleeding, organ damage. "Three-oh prolene, Bohkee."

"Dr. Hunt?" April asked.

"Yeah?" Owen couldn't look up from his work.

"I think there's too much damage to the left kidney, can you take a look?"

He finished his stitch and peered over. He could barely see the kidney from his vantage point. "Brooks, can you retract a little more please?"

"Of course sir," the young resident pulled back further on the retractor and Owen reached over and palpated the kidney. He shook his head, "It's a goner, Kepner. Good thing the right kidney is still intact."

"Damn," April sighed sadly, "Scalpel."

"You guys paged me?" Another voice entered the room. It was Callie.

"Unstable pelvic fracture," Hunt answered.

Callie stood beside him and took a quick look at the X-ray. "Lateral compression fracture. Damn. I used to love these," she muttered, "Now it just reminds me of what happened to Mer."

"Can we not talk about that please?" April asked softly, and Owen's gaze drifted to April's midsection. Of course that would be painful to think about. Although he was quite happy that April was having another. He enjoyed being Uncle Owen.

"Sorry," Callie said apologetically.

"So... The new Cardio Chief? What's she like?" asked April.

Owen felt his heart constrict. Cristina was now officially replaced. She was gone. "Ten blade."

"Well?"

"Uh...she's-uh," Owen stammered.

"She's sweet," Callie said, looking down at her work, "and apparently brilliant. I heard she's published like, twenty articles.? She's the Lisa Simpson of surgery."

Owen chuckled at his friend. It was a fairly accurate comparison, he thought. "That's an interesting observation Torres."

"You miss her?" Callie asked. She was talking about Cristina.

Owen switched tools and focused on the tissue in front of him that needed stitching. "Yeah... he sighed, "But what can you do?"

"You're not gonna go after her?"

"She doesn't want kids. I want kids. It always came down to that." That was the dealbreaker. The heartbreaker. He thought somewhere down the line, Cristina would reconsider... but Cristina wouldn't compromise on that.

"Hm," Callie said. The drill whined as she drilled a small hole in the pelvis to put a pin in. "Arizona and I were talking about having another... she mentioned adoption."

Owen opened his mouth to respond, but had to stop, there was another bleed. "Brooks, I need suction here... laps, more laps." He threw in the small absorbant pads as he tried to find the source, "Kepner, a little help here."

April was in the middle of cauterizing another bleed, "One second..."

They worked quietly until the bleed was controlled. Finally Owen risked a glance over at Callie. "Adoption is not a bad thing," he thought about Thomas, the boy who lost his mother and almost lost his father. He had seriously considered stepping up and fostering the boy himself, "Everyone needs family."

Callie's tools clinked on the tray and she sighed as she worked to stablize the pelvis. "It's just- I wanted to be pregnant again, you know? That baby feeling. But I can't. So we were thinking of surrogacy. I mean that feeling of holding a newborn, someone that is totally dependant on you... it's just-"

"I get it." April cut in, "Noah was amazing. Totally unexpected, I mean I flipped when I found out I was pregnant. I was supposed to be married first, you know? Mint to be and all that. And I was so freaked out about what my parents would think, and my sisters. Jackson and I weren't even official... but Meredith was like, 'If I can do this, so can you.' And it turned out Jackson was supportive. We were both so scared at first, but having Noah? That life inside you? The miracle? It's-" she shook her head, at a loss for words.

Owen finished another stitch. "Look, if you and Arizona want another child, you'll have another child. Just- adoption? Don't rule it out. Just because it didn't come from you, or share your DNA doesn't mean you can't invite another child in your life to love."

Just then the monitors beeped loudly, signaling a sudden drop in blood pressure. "What the-?" April cried out, frantically searching the body cavity for another bleed. "We got most of the bleeders, this shouldn't be happening."

Owen looked up sharply, "Brooks, check the pupils!"

Brooks peeled open the patient's eyelids. "Left pupil's blown sir."

"Dammit! Page Neuro!"

xxx

Amelia's pager beeped. A 9-1-1 for OR one. She sprinted down the hall to the elevator. She knew that crash victim could be trouble. Hopefully, she'd get there in time to actually do something before the patient turned into a vegetable.

The elevator opened and she was face to face with Lexie. Crap.

Lexie stood there clutching three bags of chips, a chocolate bar and a suspicious looking envelope. When she saw Amelia, her face morphed into a scowl. Dammit, she'd been trying to avoid Lexie all day. Still she had a patient to get to, she pushed past the other woman and pressed the button for the door to close.

Lexie reached over to press the emergency stop button, but Amelia grabbed her hand. "I have a 9-1-1. Wanna yell at me? Do it later. But just for your information, Mark didn't tell me he was involved."

The chip bags crinkled as Lexie pulled her arm back. "I still hate you."

She could live with that for now. "Fine," she said.

"Good."

The door opened to the surgical floor and Amelia dashed into the scrubroom. A few minutes later, she was gowned and gloved, hovering over the patients head.

"Brooks already prepped her for a crainiotomy, left pupil is blown," Chief Hunt said by way of greeting.

"Good," Amelia said, "What's her ICP?"

"ICP is twenty five," Brooks said.

"Okay, push one of Mannitol." As she was speaking, the nurses were already gowning her and fitting the headlamp on. "Drill."

The familiar heft of the drill in her hands reassured her. She could do this. Amelia worked quickly to cut through the skull and get down to the brain matter.

"So..." Callie said casually, "You and Mark?"

Amelia rolled her eyes. "Really?" Was she going to be a pariah now? She really didn't need this.

"Hey, he's my best friend okay? I'm just looking out for him."

"Suction," Amelia called. "He didn't tell me he was involved okay? It just kinda-sorta happened," she huffed as she worked on the patch of brain in front of her.

"So... you don't have feelings for him?"

"What? No! He's Mark... I thought that it was safe because he's Mark and sex with Mark is... just that. Safe. No issues... no commitment."

Callie sighed, "Well, he's not 'Just Mark' anymore. He's Mark and Lexie."

Amelia focused back on her patient, "Brooks, find a spot to sew this into the patients abdomen," She handed her a tool which held the circular skull flap. "We'll have to leave the skull flap open until the swelling decreases."

"Right." Brooks said, turning to April for assistance.

"Mark has to figure out what 'Mark and Lexie' means." Amelia snapped, causing Hunt and Kepner to look up from the patient.

It wasn't her fault that Mark cheated. She didn't know. Now if everyone would just get off her back..."I came here for a fresh start, not to cause trouble," she muttered as she worked to stitch the dura closed.

The surgery over and the patient in recovery, Amelia was scrubbing out when Owen came in. "That was good work in there," He said. "Do you think she'll make it?"

Amelia wanted to be hopeful... but with all the other injuries? "It's fifty-fifty," she said.

Owen nodded and began his own scrub-out routine beside her "Sorry about what Callie said in there."

"I'm used to it," she shrugged. "Always the underdog, always something to prove."

"Well, you're a good surgeon. You proved that to me already." Owen smiled.

Flattered by the compliment, Amelia smiled. "Thanks."

"So... where are you staying?" Owen asked. "I mean, I thought you would be at Meredith's but Lexie's sleeping on the couch there-"

Amelia huffed. Right, her living situation. "I'm mostly staying here. No commute. It's great."

"Oh." Owen said thoughtfully, "Uh, look-"

Amelia appreciated his kindness, but it wasn't what she needed right now. She held up a hand to stop him, "I know what you're going to offer and I'm thankful. I'm okay, really. Once Mark and Lexie figure themselves out, I'll either be back at Mer's or have my own place."

Owen nodded. "I understand," he said. "I'm still getting over Cristina.

"Okay then." Amelia said, seeing his sadness.

"Okay then."

She patted her hands dry with a paper towel, and looked at Owen again. He was a great guy. She was looking forward to getting to know him better, but she was going to take it slow. No head over heels rushing into things anymore. She had to know she could handle it. She pushed the door open and started down the hall.

"Amelia?" Owen called

"Yeah?"

"Chief of Neuro spot is still open, I'm expecting your application."

What? She hadn't given it much thought. She was starting over... she wasn't sure she wanted that much responsibility. Head of Neuro? That was a job. And she'd be Lexie's boss. Plus, they'd have to bring up the addiction thing again. Decisions, decisions. "Um, I'll think about it?" she offered.

"Apply." Owen said. "You're a good surgeon and a good doctor."

xxx

Richard sat on the bench outside the hospital. He often found himself here, pondering and reflecting on the life and death nature of this hospital. Today was the fifth anniversary of Derek Shepherd's death. Shepherd, who he had resented for taking his job, only to die because he took the job. The job he'd given up because things got too hard, and he'd turned to alcohol instead of his colleagues. He'd tried to cover things up instead of expose them.

Derek had, rightly so, corrected that mistake. But it cost him his life. It was a sobering thought. Literally.

" _You don't get to spend the rest of your husband's life being a quitter."_ He'd yelled at Meredith when she'd been at her lowest. It was really something he was telling himself, but the stricken look on her face afterwards told him that it spoke to her as well.

He wondered how she was. Meredith was an expert at masking her feelings. She dived into surgery. She spent more hours at the hospital than any other attending. Today was her first day off in weeks probably. But every once in a while he'd see that same look of hopelessness and despair he encountered years ago when Cristina had dragged her 'Person' into the hospital.

" _She needs to go to psych, Richard. You need to order a consult."_

" _Nooo," Meredith slurred from the gurney._

" _She- she's going to harm herself. I can't help her."_

" _No I wasn't!"_

" _Shut up! You were!" The young resident turned to Richard again, "She had a knife. And she's drunk. Order the consult." Cristina's voice cracked, and through her tough exterior he could see how hard this was._

" _Very well," He said. "Go home Yang, I'll take it from here." He put an arm around Cristina and pulled her in. He felt her body heave for a moment. "Owen's still here, in OR 3. He should be almost done."_

" _Okay," Cristina sniffed. She composed herself and headed down the hall, leaving him with Meredith._

" _I wasn't..." Meredith whispered. But her eyes were glazed over and she had a very far off look. He'd seen it once before, in Ellis, a few hours before she died._

" _Okay." He knew better than to call her on her lie. He picked up a chart and started her intake, before calling Dr. Wyatt for an emergency admittance._

Richard sighed and tried to push the memory aside. Meredith was strong. She'd been through so much and came out the other side, kicking and screaming. She just needed... a little hope.

"Hi," Someone said.

Pulled out of his reverie Richard saw the new Cardio Chief Maggie Pierce in front of him. "Mind if I sit here?"

 **A/N:** Well how was that? FYI at this point, Richard doesn't know Maggie's his daughter. Thanks for reading this!

If you're feeling a little Derek deprived, you can check out my story **In My Dreams** if you want.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** Again, thanks everyone for your comments, favs and follows. I am always eager to hear your thoughts! The plot is slow to develop in this type of story, but I will be doing frequent updates, so hopefully that will help!

Enjoy!

Jo played with the umbrella of her cocktail, as she and Stephanie took a seat at the bar. "So I woke up, and he wasn't even in bed with me, he was in Meredith's bed," she said. She'd been dying to tell this to her friend all day, except they kept missing each other at the hospital. Now at least they could catch up.

"He slept with Meredith?" Stephanie asked, wide eyed.

The thought revolted her. "No, God no... Gross." But then again... She'd heard about how Grey was before she met Shepherd and how she was when they broke up, and Alex was... "Wait. I hope not. That would suck. I can't compete with her. She's got the whole poor me, I'm Widow Grey thing going on..." The cocktail was too sweet for her. Too happy.

"Really? I don't know how anyone can sympathize with her the way she acts around here. She's still Medusa to me."

Which was a valid point, at work. But at home? "She has nightmares sometimes... I get it, seeing the love of your life get shot and dying in your arms is definitely traumatic, but she doesn't get to use it to steal my boyfriend. At least when Yang was here I knew he was safe, now..." Jo shook her head.

"Relax, Karev is totally smitten with you," her best friend reassured. "Remember you guys took so long to actually have sex? Coming from a guy that's huge."

Jo sighed. She was starting to fall for Alex in a huge way, but she was still plagued with insecurity. "Well, if I come home and find them in bed together again- I'll move out. And if Alex still wants me, he'll have to come with me right?"

"Good for you," Stephanie said, jabbing a finger on the table. "Lay down the line."

"Yeah, there are lines."

"Big lines."

"If anyone crosses them-"

Someone ordered tequila, jamming herself between the two residents.

Jo looked up to see Meredith picking up a shot glass and glaring at them. Jo looked at her watch, "Oh, look at the time. I should go."

"There's markers in the den, Wilson," Meredith called after her.

xxx

Callie was excited to see Arizona. After hearing what Owen said about adoption, she decided to consider it. Everyone needs family. "Ready to go?" she greeted Arizona in the attendings lounge.

"Hey!" Arizona smiled as she spun to greet her wife.

Callie returned the smile with her own white flash of teeth. That was what she loved about her wife. She always smiled. Arizona scooped up a handful of papers and bounced them on the table to even them out, before stuffing them in her bag.

"What's that?" Callie asked. Arizona was usually pretty meticulus about paperwork and rarely brought any home with her.

"Oh," she hefted her bag over her shoulder, "um, I'm applying for a fellowship."

"What?" Callie asked, shocked. They'd just been discussing having another kid, now she wanted a fellowship? "Isn't this something we should discuss?"

"Well-" Arizona started, her smile replaced by a look of uncertainty.

Callie shoved down her feelings for a moment. This was how fights started and how people said stuff they didn't mean. She puffed her cheeks and released a breath. They were just starting to mend, no need to go on the dark side yet. "Let's talk about it tomorrow, over breakfast," she said, reaching for her lovers hand. She didn't want to fight today.

Arizona took the proffered hand, "Okay," she said, relieved.

"Oh, and the adoption thing... We'll talk about that too."

xxx

Richard patted the spot beside him, offering Maggie a smile. "How was your first day?"

Maggie shrugged, "Not bad, a little slow for cases today, but you got quite the family here huh?"

"And you're a part of it," Richard replied. He was happy Yang had reccomended her as a replacement. Maggie was young and vibrant and had so much to offer.

"Funny you should say that," Maggie said cryptically. "Can I tell you something? It's kind of personal."

Richard was an open book, and always happy to help his colleagues. "Sure."

Maggie swallowed and looked at Richard with a serious gaze, which worried him.

"I was born in Boston, and adopted by wonderful parents. But I found out last year- that my mother- my birth mother is Ellis Grey."

For a second, Richard didn't even comprehend what Maggie was saying, he nodded and smiled at her. _My birth mother is Ellis Grey._ But then it hit him and his smile faded as his mind raced back thirty years... "That's," he started. It wasn't possible was it? Boston? Could it be Ellis was pregnant when she left? He looked at Maggie again, taking in her hair, her face, even her bone structure... she looked like...him. Dr. Margret Pierce was his daughter?

"Isn't it weird?" Maggie was saying. "My mother is Ellis Grey. She completed her residency here, at this hospital. And now I'm working here too..." She paused, "Dr. Webber?"

"Uhhh, that's extraordinary." Was all he could think of to say.

"Did you know Ellis? The story about her?"''

Still in shock, Richard fumbled for an out. "Well uh," He glanced at his watch suddenly. "Oh, look at the time- I really, I've got to go." He stood up suddenly, smoothing out his jacket and picked up his briefcase to leave.

"Dr. Webber?" Maggie called after him.

But he couldn't stay, his heart squeezed with shock and devastation. Ellis Grey, the love of his life, had his child. And he never new about it. Thirty years. He missed thirty birthdays and christmases and thanksgivings. He missed grilling her first boyfriend, attending her graduation, everything. He was sorry to leave her on that bench, he wanted to tell her, but first he had to find a meeting.

xxx

Maggie watched Richard leave and squinted. What was up with him? Did he know something? She sighed, she was lonely. Richard was nice though. Most of the people here were nice, if not a little nosy.

Across the street, she saw the sign for Emerald City Bar. She'd heard it was pretty good and that lots of the staff hung out there. It would be good for her to get out, meet some people. Maggie took the chance.

Coming into the bar, she found the homey vibe inviting. A few nurses and orderlies were scattered about the place, enjoying themselves. It was early yet, however, and the bar itself was practically unoccupied.

Maggie parked herself on a bar stool and waited. The bartender immediately came her way, and she ordered a Sprite since it was early for the hard stuff. She also ordered a plate of hot wings to nibble on while she looked for someone to talk to. She glanced around, hoping to find a familiar face. Nope. Nobody. She frowned. She was a chatty person, she chatted. But there was no one here to chat with her.

She sipped her sprite and nodded to the bartender when the wings arrived. Picking up a wing, she glanced sideways and noticed another patron a seat away from her. "Hi," she said, smiling at the woman. A pained grey glare met hers and Maggie turned back to her sprite. Jeez, she was just trying to be nice.

"What's with her?" She asked the bartender.

"Mer? Oh, nothing, just a bad day that is."

"Oh... That's too bad." And she was all alone too. It was rough being alone on a bad day.

'"It's weird though... she's had that same drink for an hour now."

"Really?" Maggie asked, risking a look back at the woman. She took a sip of her sprite and a bite of her wing before turning back to the woman. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"Don't talk to me." Came the biting reply.

Maggie sighed... First Webber and now this. What was going on in this town? She missed her parents. "Can I get these to go?" She asked, checking her watch. It would be 9pm in Boston, not too late to call home.

xxx

The letter was getting blurry. Was it supposed to be this blurry? Lexie squinted before she slammed back another shot of tequila and sucked on a lime to get rid of the taste.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked from a few stools away.

Lexie wondered if she should tell her. Meredith would be happy for her right? She'd be happy that her little sister was accepted into the fellowship for the most prestigious, most amazing project ever. People would kill to be on this thing.

But she looked at Meredith and she knew she couldn't tell her. She wasn't drunk enough. "I'm fine," she said instead, slipping the letter into her purse before it attracted questions.

"You're not fine. You say that like me, and I'm not fine."

Of course Lexie wasn't fine. Her boyfriend cheated on her with her co-worker... and she had the most amazing opportunity sitting in her hands that she was so terrified to accept because that meant... she had to leave Seattle, her friends, her life, her sister... Of course she wasn't fine. She was Meredith fine. Meredith fine meant that you weren't fine but you pretended to be to keep people from nosing into your business.

So she was trying. Tequila was a good helper, but she noticed Meredith hadn't even downed a shot yet. Odd.

"He loves you," Meredith was saying... "Are you going to talk to him?"

Lexie shook her head, "He doesn't love me... because you don't hurt people you love. Everybody says he loves me and cares about me and crap. And they say that having sex with Mark doesn't _mean_ anything... Well it means something to me!" The glass rattled when she pounded her fist on the counter.

"And it should. Mark screwed up. I wanted to punch him in the face too, but..."

Lexie knew where this was going... "But what Mer? Life is short?" The alcohol was really starting to kick in now. "Are you on his side... or mine?"

"I..." Meredith stammered.

"Nevermind. I get it. You lost Derek, the great love of your life, and you can't stand that I'm apparently just throwing this away. Well stop living vicariously through my love life, alright? Go get your own!" Lexie shouted. She rapped the bar with her knuckles, signalling another drink, and after she slammed it back she noticed her sister was gone. "Crap." She muttered.

"Scotch, single malt." A deep voice said.

"Crap." Lexie said again as simultaneously recognized the voice and the arm that propped up the gorgeous body of her boyfriend.'

"Lexie..." Mark said, and she hated his apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"I can't talk to you, Mark." She had nothing good to say about the situation right now. He'd been there for her. He'd saved her life on that plane by sticking a makeshift needle in her chest. He helped her study for her boards. She encouraged him through his intensive surgery for his broken wrist that nearly cost him his livilihood, and then to use the money from the settlement to start his own practice when it was clear that Jackson was starting to shine on his own. Then there was this. A year ago this wouldn't have bothered her. She told him they'd take it slow because... she wanted to be sure... that she loved him. Loved him more than Alex or George. Loved him more than surgery. She wanted to be sure that she loved him enough to marry him and one day have his children. She wanted to be _sure._ A month ago she thought she was sure, finally.

Then he slept with Amelia.

There was too much water under the whatever.

"Lexie..." He pleaded again.

"Stop it. You know Meredith told me once that my heart was in my vagina. I finally grow out of that eager to please neediness stage to find myself- and then I find out that _your_ heart lies in my vagina... or is it Amelia's? Or the next girl? I just don't know anymore. So I can't talk to you right now." She sipped the tequila this time, giving herself a moment to catch her breath.

"By the way," Lexie finished her shot, "I got the fellowship, and I'm going to D.C. Don't you dare follow me there."

Mark stared at her, his expression slack-jawed and pained.

Somehow, she noticed the bell over the door jingle and saw Alex come in, no doubt looking for Meredith. Lexie stumbled over to him, "Alex, drive me home."

Alex looked at her, looked at Mark, then scoped out the rest of the bar. "Sure... where's Mer?"

"I think she went home already." Lexie said.

"What?"

"It's okay. She didn't drink, not one shot."

"What?"

"I know... and I think I pissed her off." Lexie said dejectedly. She didn't really mean what she said, "Can you just take me home please? I need to talk to her."

Alex nodded, muttered something unintelligble under his breath and led the way out the door.

xxx

Meredith lay in bed, willing herself to sleep. _Please..._ She wasn't sure what was worse, the not sleeping or the sleeping with the nightmares. Usually she slept okay, it was just this time of the year really, but lately she'd noticed that she often retired to bed a lot earlier than usual, and she'd been avoiding her friends more. Why? She was lonely. And everybody had somebody.

A sad sigh escaped her lips. Her fingers traced the hem of the pink blanket she'd found that day. She wanted her child back. She wanted to go back and rewrite the past. Just a few minutes difference... a red light, a stop at a conveniance store, something.

 _Four years ago:_

 _Meredith winced as she felt another kick from the pumpkin in her belly. She was eight months pregnant, wasn't it about time the baby slowed down on that? "Ow. Hey, behave for Mama down there okay?" she rubbed soft circles over her abdomen. "I knew I shouldn't have had that poptart for breakfast, now you're hopped up on sugar."_

 _The baby moved in response. Meredith continued chatting to her bump,"I couldn't help it, I was so tired of Muesli. Let's blame Alex okay? He was the one who bought those things," Meredith smiled._

 _She was on her way to the airport to pick up Carolyn. Normally Mark or Alex would've stepped up to the task, but there'd been a shooting at a local college, and all hands were on deck, except for the enormous pregnant lady on her way to pick up her sort of post-it wedding mother in law. Or in other words, Grandma._

" _Crap, there's a detour? Are you kidding me?" A big orange construction sign directed them around. It meant she'd be taking the scenic route. After navigating through the detour, she found herself finally on the right path to the airport. She was nervous. The last time she'd seen Carolyn was at the funeral and the two of them were too devasted with grief to reach out to each other until a month ago. Carolyn insisted on coming to seattle to help Meredith with the baby, and Meredith couldn't refuse._

 _A glance in the rearview mirror revealed a black sportscar weaving between lanes and speeding. "Jerk." Meredith muttered in a hormone haze, returning her attention to the road ahead._

 _A few seconds later, that same black car rushed past her. Meredith exhaled nervously. Normally this wouldn't bother her, but being eight months pregnant changed all that. She glanced at the clock on the dash. Twenty minutes and she'd be at the airport._

 _Her thoughts drifted again to Carolyn. She didn't do moms. She told Carolyn that, but she laughed and said there was nothing to worry about: she raised four daughters, she was an expert on Shepherd DNA, and she could cook and clean. She'd practically be giving Meredith a vacation while she was maternity leave._

 _It was an offer she couldn't refuse. She just hoped Carolyn would see that she could be a good mom. The pumpkin kicked, and Meredith looked down again, patting her belly. "Grandma will be happy to see you."_

 _A terrible screeching noise caught her attention and Meredith looked up sharply. In front of her, a white SUV skidded out of control and flipped. Meredith twisted the wheel of her Jeep to avoid impact, but it was too late._

 _A crunch of metal, shattering glass- she was spinning._

 _Incredible ripping pain through every nerve- and Meredith blacked out._

Meredith blinked back her flashback.Just a few minutes difference and life would be... bearable. Happy, even. Yes Derek would be gone, but there'd be a chatty girl with Mcdreamy hair to remind her to live. Her eyes drifted closed. She wasn't living right now. She was on life support. But she just didn't know how to breathe again.

There was a knock on the door. Meredith rolled on her side, back to the door. She didn't want to talk to anyone, even Alex. The door creaked open slightly, the light from the hallway coming in at the perfect angle to hit her in the eyes if she turned around.

"Meredith?" Lexie asked. "Are you awake?"

 **A/N:** Whew!I know Meredith's story is sad right now... but it will start to get better in a few chapters, you'll see. Please leave your thoughts!


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** Ah! Thanks everyone for all your support! Thanks for all the new people who commented too! I am always open to your thoughts.

To Patsy, all I can say in response to your review is that I was inspired by Katie Herzig's song, Lost and Found, which was featured in S8 ep 3 of greys (although I wasn't sure of the context for the placement of that song...) still, it inspired me, along with the general theme of season 11, although it ended sadly. There will be many allusions in my story to season 11 as you will see in coming chapters. Basically, the title of this story is the theme for most of the characters here...

Anyway, Enjoy!

"And then I discovered I had a daughter I never knew about," Richard gripped the stand in front of him and swallowed, "Thirty years..." he sighed. "It was either come here or have a drink, so I came here."

The group murmured their support of his admission and he wiped his forehead in relief. In speaking at AA, a giant weight lifted off his shoulders. As he stepped down, he saw a familiar brunette head of hair moving out of the group. Amelia?

He strode quickly to reach her, "Amelia!" He called out. She stopped and looked back toward him. "You go to AA?" He asked. It was an obvious question, but he didn't know what else to say.

"Damn. Caught." Amelia said sarcastically.

"Do you want to talk about it? Today must be hard for you." He motioned to a bench.

"I-uh," Amelia started nervously, shoving her hands into her pockets.

"It's alright, I'm not going to say anything," Richard encouraged. He sat down on the bench, ready to listen.

"You have a daughter," Amelia blurted. "Maggie Pierce is your daughter. How crazy is that? That's like, soap opera epic isn't it?"

Richard nodded, it was truly unbelievable, that was for sure. "I-uh..." He shook his head, "I'm just in shock."

Amelia now sat down beside him too. "You're gonna tell her right?"

"I want to... I just don't know how."

"You'll figure it out."

Richard smiled. "Yes, I will." He had a daughter. Amazing. But enough about him, Amelia was trying to change the subject. "Now, how about you?"

Amelia's shoulders slumped and she rubbed her thighs. "I'm managing," she said solemnly.

"Mmm hmm." Although Richard believed her, he wanted her to open up more. That was part of the process.

Amelia shook her head, "He hated me. I crashed his car, hopped up on drugs... I could've gotten him in so much trouble... I was so self involved, you know? And I think all he wanted to do was protect me."

"That sounds like Derek."

"I just... I never got to say goodbye!" Suddenly Amelia burst into tears. Richard pulled her into his arms. She tried to stop and hold it in, but it just resulted in heavier sobs. After a couple minutes she sat up and wiped her eyes. "God, that felt... good, I think."

"It's okay to feel, Amelia."

"I've been holding it in... all day."

"It's okay... just let it out."

Amelia lay her head on his shoulder and sighed loudly. They sat there for a long time, silent in the cool night air. Finally Richard swalllowed, he had something to confess. "Sometimes I blame myself, for the shooting."

Amelia sat up, "What?"

"He took my job, because I was starting to let it slip. I let my addiction take over my problems..." Richard looked at the young woman with deep regret in his eyes. "It should've been me."

"Richard... no." Amelia huffed. "It's not your fault. It's Gary Clark's fault. He pulled the trigger. Just like the bastard who shot my dad. You don't get to blame yourself for this."

"I know... but I do, because it's part of the process, Amelia. Things were left unfinished between you and Derek, and that will always be painful. But let yourself go through the process, don't get stuck."

"How's that working for you?" Amelia asked.

"Most days... It's fine, other days... I'm here aren't I?"

"Yeah, I get it. I'm here too."

Richard reached out and patted Amelia's hand. They were here together at least.

xxx

Lexie slowly entered her sister's room with the letter in her hand. Meredith didn't say anything as she did so, so she took it as a good sign. She lay down on the bed beside Meredith's curled form. "I'm sorry, for what I said, that was... stupid and thoughtless. I really didn't mean it."

Meredith didn't respond, so Lexie reached over and touched her shoulder, wondering if she was asleep or something. "Meredith?"

"I heard."

"Oh."

"But you meant it."

Lexie wanted to fight the accusation, but she supposed the _feeling_ behind her earlier words was true, sometimes she felt her sister tried too hard to get them together, and sometimes that backfired. "Well-"

"I'm just- I feel so stuck. I want to get unstuck," Meredith said. "How...?" her voice cracked and she stopped.

Lexie couldn't see her face, but she imagined Meredith's grey eyes welling with tears she was trying not to release.

Lexie sighed, she didn't really have any answers for her. When her mother died, it was unexpected and painful, but she'd been thrown into the world at Seattle Grace and moving forward came naturally, she had so much to do to get where she wanted to go.

When Derek died, Meredith flung herself into work and pregnancy planning. Lexie remembered coming home to find 'belly buddies' April and Meredith watching Ellis' surgery tapes with ice cream and chinese food resting on their bumps. There was the future to think about.

When Meredith lost the baby... she lost that future. Lexie recalled the deep depression Meredith fell into as she lost almost a year of her residency while recovering from her injuries as well. Richard and Cristina pushed her... if only to keep her alive, and she returned to work with only one thing in mind, to be the best surgeon. But that wasn't enough was it?

"You need to find something to live for, Meredith."

"I'm so scared..."

"Of what?"

"Of losing... I'll get attached, and then-"

"Mer-" Lexie started to reassure her.

"You're leaving too."

How did she know? Did Mark tell her? "What? How- who?"

"C'mon Lexie, you were staring at that letter for ages, you think I wouldn't notice? You talked about that fellowship for weeks."

"I'm sorry." Lexie said. She felt even worse now, "You know, I don't have to go- I can stay here, there's that head of Neuro position... I'll stay here. You're my family Meredith, I want to help you."

Meredith shifted in the bed, turning to face her, "You need to go Lex, this opportunity isn't something you can pass up. Don't make me the reason you give up on your dreams, or you'll resent me, and I'll resent you for resenting me."

"Meredith-"

"Seriously, don't get all co-dependant." Meredith huffed.

Lexie ran her fingers over the paper. Brain mapping, this was the future, the answer to so many problems... Parkinson's, Alzheimers, paralysis... The experience and knowledge she would gain from this would boost her career on so many levels. But more than that It was also validation, that she was something more... "Would you leave Derek to do this?"

"I- what?"

"I mean, if he hurt you... like when he was with Rose- you did the trial, instead of running away... and-" She stopped, seeing Meredith's far off look.

"Lex, I had to _work_ through so much to get to the point to realize that I _wanted_ him, that I wanted the love he had to offer, and that I could trust that he... wouldn't abandon me, like Thatcher. You have to ask yourself if you still want that... do you?"

Lexie bit her lip and desperately wished she had a candy bar or some chips or- her stomach rolled and she swallowed back the nausea, but it was of no avail. Dammit. She rolled off the bed and ran to the bathroom to puke.

xxx

Alex had just settled into a happy post-coital slumber with Jo. She'd jumped him as soon as he got home and dragged him to bed. Man, she was wild sometimes. He wondered what got into her. Whatever it was, it was great. He was really starting to love that girl. He sighed into her shoulder and breathed in her scent.

"Alex..." It wasn't Jo. It was Mer. Crap.

"Go away..." He was happy... he was going to get decent sleep and Jo was right there. What did she want now?

"Alex... wake up." Meredith said.

"M'wake, go away."

"I need to talk to you." Her voice was rough and raspy, like she'd been crying.

"Sleeping," he mumbled anyway. Sleep, he needed sleep. He pulled Jo closer.

"Alex?" Jo shifted in the bed. Then she jerked up, pulling the covers over her. "Meredith?"

"Relax Wilson, I don't care about your boobs." Meredith replied.

Alex moved again to sit up, "Mer... what are you doing?" How long was this going to go on?

"I need to talk to you."

"It's two in the morning..."

Meredith glanced at Jo, "Wilson get out of the bed."

"What? No... my bed, my boyfriend!" She exclaimed posessively.

"Technically it's my bed, my house, my friend. Go."

"You can't just-"

But Meredith gave her the 'look', and Jo wilted, scrambling for a shirt before leaving the room. Meredith promptly slid onto the bed beside him, on top of the covers. He reached over and turned the light on to squint at his 'Person', "Yang said this would happen, I didn't think it would be so soon," He muttered.

xxx

Although Mark had the most comfortable king size bed money could buy, sleep evaded him. He lay there, on his side, staring at the empty spot where Lexie used to lay. God, how could he be so stupid? He'd done this with Addison too, when he was in love with her, and living with her. He'd gone and had sex with some other woman, he didn't even remember her name now. Why did he do that?

He groaned and rolled onto his stomach, willing the night away so he would be free of this terrible feeling.

Then he heard the door to his apartment open and the familiar jingle of Lexie's keys. His breath hitched when he heard her footsteps in the kitchen. He smiled when he heard her swear under her breath when she stubbed her toe on something. Mark waited, hoping she'd come into the bedroom.

But she didn't. There was no movement on the other side of the door. He waited a moment or two longer, and then he couldn't help himself, he had to go to her. He pulled a T-shirt on and walked out of the bedroom.

Lexie was on the couch, looking drunk and adorable, munching on dill pickle chips. He sat down on the couch with her, sure to leave space between them. She looked at him for a second, before her eyes darted back to the bag of chips . He expected her to get up and leave the couch, but she didn't.

Afraid to make any sudden moves, he breathed shallow breaths and tried not to stare at her too long.

Lexie sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "I want you," she said. "I know you love me very much, so much... And I want you. I want your love. I want everything you have to offer. I do... but-"

"I broke your trust."

"Yeah," she gulped, as a tear came down her cheek. "Why? Why did you do that... thing? Do you want me?"

Mark buried his face in his palms. It was a loaded question, wasn't it? Obviously he wanted her... But his earlier actions didn't line up with his intentions. Goddamn. "Lex- I'm scared."

"What?"

"I'm scared to want you. To want us. This. The future. I'm so scared we'll be in it so deep and then I'll break it."

"But... that's exactly what you did!"

"Maybe..." He sighed, his heart full of regret. "I didn't give us enough time."

"What, so if you ruin it early than there's less hurt feelings?"

"I- I don't know what else to say Lex, except that I want you too."

"You want me, but you hurt me."

"I..." He had no other response except 'I'm sorry,' and he knew she didn't want to hear that again.

"I'm going to D.C. I'm going to prove to them how brilliant I am. I'm going to do something great... and while I'm there, I'm going to think about what I want and if I can trust you again."

His heart fell into his stomach at her words. He swallowed nervously and rubbed his stubbled chin.

"So you better get over being scared, and figure out how to prove that you're not a manwhore anymore and... wait for me."

"Wait for you?" He asked over an arched eyebrow.

"We both want this right? But you have to stop being an immature sex crazed teenager, and I have to stop being a co-dependant loser who'll just do whatever anyone wants just to be accepted and loved."

He tilted his head. Lexie was growing up, she wanted him to grow up. "Okay."

"Okay," Lexie said, she bit her bottom lip and gazed deeply at him. She leaned forward, her breath warm on his lips. Mark bent his head slightly, meeting her lips with his own, the taste of dill and oil and salt enticing his tongue.

They pulled away at the same time. Lexie stood up, "I'm gonna go to bed. But you're staying here, on the couch."

"Ouch! That stings!" He wanted her beside him in bed.

"Immature sex crazed teenager!" She accused.

"Fine," Mark grumbled. But inside he was smiling. At least she was here.

 **A/N:** So McSlexie might take awhile... but it's about time they grew up right? Next chapter is Mer-centric and flashbacky as we go into some detail about what happened to her. It will be dark, Mer is deep in the woods here, but very soon she will find some hope, though she may not recognize it right away.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:** Thanks everyone for your reviews, favs and follows. It was quite fun writing Mcslexie last chapter and I'm glad that you guys enjoyed it. All other pairings, I will get to... this is going to be a long story but I like it because it's helping with my Grey's withdrawal.

This chapter is a little dark, but I'm glad how it turned out at the end.

Meredith was in his bed. Well not _in_ his bed, but... She had propped her self beside him five minutes ago, but hadn't said anything. Alex waited for Meredith to speak, but she just lay there staring at the wall. This was bad. Usually she rambled, usually, when something was on her mind she wouldn't shut up about it. But now, all he listened to was her breathing. It worried him. It wasn't that long ago he was terrified that she would breathe her last.

 _Four years ago:_

 _Alex looked up at Arizona from his position over the operating table. His pager beeped for the third time._

" _Are you going to answer that?" she asked._

" _No, I'm fine."_

" _I think you should answer that Karev."_

" _Why, so they can tell me she's dead?" he snapped. "No. We already lost O'Malley, and freakin' Shepherd. And Izzie left... I'm staying here. At least I'm fixing somebody." Alex turned his attention to the ten year old boy they were operating on._

" _Alex, this boy is going to live thanks to you," Arizona replied. "But you can't be in here when Meredith needs you. Shepherd is gone, and George, and Izzie, which is precisely why you need to be in that room with her in case she wakes up, in case she fights."_

" _What if she doesn't? I know her... losing her baby? She wouldn't want to live anymore."_

" _Then you need to be there, and hold her hand, and tell her..." Arizona swallowed, "that it's okay to go."_

 _Alex froze over his patient, his eyes locking with Arizona's crystal blue. He shook his head, "No... I can't, I..."_

" _Alex, she was there for you when everybody else wasn't. Don't be stupid. If Meredith dies, and you're not there? You will hate yourself. So you need to get out of my OR and be with her."_

 _Angry that Arizona had to remind him how to be a friend, he barged out of the OR, snapping his gloves and yanking his surgical gown off before sprinting down the hall to the elevator._

 _His heart sucked up into his throat when he saw Richard and Bailey applying paddles to her chest. Meredith's pale body jerked as they shocked her heart. Fresh vivid memories of Izzie limp in his arms caused him to retch. When he finished, he looked up through the window and saw a regular rythmn on the monitors._

 _He heard the squeak of sneakers and Cristina was behind him, "I got here as soon as I could, what's happening? Is she-"_

 _Alex suddenly realized that they weren't alone. All around the ICU, others had gathered. Lexie, Jackson, Callie, Hunt even. Richard and Bailey came out of Meredith's room as Lexie dashed in, full of tears._

 _Richard looked solemn as he saw the group. "We got her back," he said simply, but no one moved._

" _What's going on?" Cristina asked Richard._

" _Cristina," he said softly, "I need to talk to you."_

" _What? No... please, don't tell me-"_

 _Richard lightly put a hand on the young resident's shoulder. "Come on..." He started to lead her down the hallway. Hunt followed after them._

 _Alex was left with Bailey, who looked sad and defeated watching Richard go down the hall with Cristina._

" _Bailey, what the hell is going on?"_

 _Her response was a shake of her head and a dismissive wave. Alex fought the rage inside of him, he grabbed her arm, "Just tell me!"_

" _This was the third time today that I had to resuscitate her. Her heart? Meredith Grey's heart, is breaking... She's been through a bomb, and a drowning, and a shooting... but this? This is..." Bailey broke down, sobbing into his chest._

 _Alex sighed, embracing his mentor. Whatever was happening right now was bad, really freaking bad. If Richard was talking to Cristina now, it was because they were discussing end of life care. Meredith had put Cristina in charge of that._

 _He gave Bailey one last squeeze before releasing her and walking into the room._

 _He stayed there with Lexie, not saying anything, just watching... In. Out. In. Out. The ventilator pushed air into Meredith's lungs... Up. Down. Up. Down. Her chest rose and fell, filling with air but not with life._

 _There was so much damage. A fractured pelvis, broken ribs, tension pneumothorax. She had a head lac, a broken wrist, internal bleeding, not to mention an emergency C-section. Blood loss strained her heart._

 _It had been twenty-one days since she'd been transferred here from Dillard Medical and besides natural healing, there'd been no improvement of her condition. She hadn't woken up._

 _He took her hand, pretending it was warmer and stronger than it was, and held it in his own, "Mer... You gotta- you can't just leave. You don't get to give up okay? Because that's not fair.. . I need you, Lexie needs you... Please."_

 _He didn't know how long it was before Cristina and Richard returned. Cristina looked stricken as she handed Richard a clipboard. Hunt came up behind her, his hands on her shoulders._

" _Karev," Richard said, "Lexie." He acknowledged them each with a slow nod. "It's been decided that we're going to remove life support... Meredith's heart is under a lot of stress, and it's causing her organs to fail... even with the vent," he shook his head._

" _What the hell!" Alex shouted. He glared at Cristina, "You're just gonna let her die?"_

" _I...she's not fighting okay? She's given up. You think this was easy for me? I'm... I'm killing my best friend! I couldn't fix Derek and now I'm killing her too." Cristina nearly broke down right there._

" _Karev," Hunt warned._

 _Cristina was right though, Meredith had given up. He saw it in her chart everyday. Alex wanted to punch something. Maybe she wanted to die, but he didn't want to lose her too. "See what you're doing Mer? You die... we die! We all freakin lose it!"_

 _In the corner Lexie sobbed, clutching Meredith's good hand._

" _Take a walk, Karev," Richard said gently, although there was a protective undertone in his voice._

 _He pushed past everyone, "No one touches anything until I get back."_

 _He came back, after nearly breaking his hand on some drywall. After bawling like a girl in a locked supply closet. He cleaned himself up. If Meredith wanted to go... he had to help her go. She'd do the same for him._

 _He entered the room, saddened by what was about to go down. Cristina was on one side of the bed, Lexie on the other. Hunt leaned against the window to Meredith's room._

 _Richard nodded when he saw him. "Okay..." he started to explain what he was going to do, what tubes he was going to remove and when... but Alex tuned it out, staring at Meredith's pale face, and the nasty scar she had on the very top of her forehead. Richard's gloved hands pressed buttons and unhooked lines. Finally he pulled the tape off the breathing tube around her mouth and pulled the tube out with a disgusting sucking noise._

 _Meredith's chest fell as she exhaled her last breath. There was a long morbid silence, and Lexie placed her hand on Meredith's chest. They waited. For her heart to slow down, for the monitor to stop beeping. Alex wanted to tell her that it was okay to let go. That she should be with Derek in whatever afterlife she was supposed to be in. But the words were stuck in his throat._

 _And then she breathed. One huge gasp. And then another. Everyone in the room froze. She was breathing unsupported. Which shouldn't be happening._

 _Richard shook his head... "It's a reflex," he said calmly, "happens all the time."_

 _But she kept breathing._

 _Cristina tore herself from Owen, "She's fighting!" She scrambled to the bed and started to reconnect all the lines and leads. "Lexie, get the oxygen! She's fighting!"_

 _Alex couldn't watch anymore. It was killing him. "I'm outta here..." he said. Having drawn up enough courage to face Meredith's death, he just couldn't do it anymore._

Now:

"Mer?" he asked.

"I called Cristina, but she didn't answer."

"Oh."

"Lexie's leaving."

Alex sighed,"oh."

"Everybody leaves. Everybody dies." Meredith whispered.

"I'm here," he offered. He held her hand, thankful it was warm, that there was a steady pulse in her wrist.

"I'm deep in the woods Alex, deep."

"So you're depressed," Alex summed up. He'd seen it coming, and not just because it was the anniversary of the shooting. Cristina's departure was a big blow to her, despite the fact that they would still keep in touch. But it wasn't just that it was... something else. With Meredith, you couldn't push it. She had to bring it up, or else she wouldn't listen. Still..."You better not die on me, Mer. I can't take it."

She looked at him, shocked, "I am not suicidal!"

He scoffed. Maybe not, but her life was as dull as her last name. Her spark was gone. That was the worst part of it. Even when she'd been cleared for surgery, back in the game at the hospital, he rarely saw the spark in her eyes. She was giving up all over again. He wouldn't let her. "Why'd you come back? Why did you start breathing? I was there, ready to watch you die, ready to let you go... but you kept on fucking _breathing!"_

Meredith physically jerked at his response. She wrung her hands, an odd nervous habit. "If I tell you this... you have to promise not to admit me to the psych ward okay?"

He searched her gaze, she was scared... so scared and worried that _he'd_ actually do it. "I won't, I promise."

Slowly, haltingly... she told him.

 _Four years ago:_

 _Meredith floated in a grey void. No pain or feeling, but she could hear things._

" _BP's dropping,"_

" _We're losing her!"_

" _We have to get the baby out!"_

" _Scalpel!"_

" _We need blood and clotting agents!"_

 _In her muddled mind she thought she heard the wailing cry of a baby. Her baby!_

 _And then she fell into blackness._

 _Black became grey again as she struggled back to semi-consciousness._

" _Oh my God, Mer! Mer? You don't get to die... you have to fight. I'm your person, and I'm here for you."_

" _I can assure you right now she feels no pain."_

" _We need to get her stabilised. I want her transported to Shepherd Grace as soon as possible."_

" _And my grandchild?"_

" _Mrs. Shepherd... I'm sorry, but... the baby didn't make it."_

 _What's the point? Meredith thought, and she stopped fighting against the grey, and allowed it to swallow her into the black._

 _Something changed. She'd been peaceful in this nebulous dreamspace. But something changed. She felt an incredible pressure on her chest. Pressing hard. She couldn't breathe. Where before the blackness had been harmless, it now seemed intent on taking her for good. Maybe that was okay._

 _She sensed something beyond that, she sensed... familiarity._

 _She was in OR one. She was dying wasn't she? This was it. She wanted to look around, move, but she was the one on the operating table. "What's going on?" she called out._

" _She's been here... a long time." She recognized that voice, she used to be afraid of it, but now it only confirmed..._

" _Mom?" Oh God, she really was dying._

" _There's not much time left." Someone spoke softly._

" _George?" Meredith's heart fluttered. Oh God oh God oh God..._

" _Hm." Another voice said, and that voice nearly threw her over the edge._

" _Derek!" She blinked, and now she could see them. Her mother, in full surgical attire, looking over her mask at her. Ellis Grey's gaze was sharp and focused._

" _We have to open her up," Ellis said. "Ten blade, O'Malley."_

" _Do you think she'll make it?" George asked, appearing at Ellis' right side. His eyes were wide and hopeful._

" _She's a fighter."_

" _I know... It's just-"_

" _It's up to her," Ellis said looking deeply into Meredith's eyes. "It's not your time Meredith. Retractor."_

 _George handed Ellis a retractor. "You can still make it," he said._

 _But Meredith didn't want to. She gazed into Derek's deep blue eyes. She'd get to be here in whatever afterlife this was with him, and their baby... except where was the baby?_

" _You're not finished," Derek said with certainty._

" _But- I can't... I need you. Der- I"_

" _Shh..." he put a finger over her lips, "Listen..."_

 _She heard the wail again, the heartwrenching cy of her child. But how?_

" _It's not finished. You're not finished, Meredith."_

 _The pressure returned, but she fought it. She just had to open her mouth and..._

 _She breathed._

 _The OR disappeared. The blackness disappeared. She was back in the grey, but things felt different now. She breathed again. And again. She kept breathing, fighting for life... because her baby needed her._

 _Sounds and voices returned to her._

" _I tore up the DNR. Mer's fighting."_

" _Her sats are up, she's improving."_

" _Whatever, It's like the Chief said, a final rally. She'll probably croak in a couple days."_

" _How can you say that Alex! That's my sister you're talking about! I should kill you right now."_

" _You can try. I have a patient to check on."_

" _You know Evil Spawn doesn't mean it right? He's just protecting himself."_

" _Whatever, Cristina. He should keep his mouth shut."_

" _Uhhh,"_

" _Did you hear that? Meredith?"_

" _What? Did she say something?"_

" _Humm."_

 _Pain. She'd forgotten about it. How much it hurt. Everything hurt._

" _Get Bailey and the Chief here, stat!"_

 _She felt warmth on her cheeks._

" _Mer, c'mon, open your eyes."_

 _Cristina? Why? Why am I here? "Uhhh."_

" _Wake up! Please."_

 _I can't. I don't want to. I'm tired._

" _She moaned, Bailey! She's waking up!"_

 _Something pulled on her eyelids, she saw white flashes._

" _Pupils are reactive. She's in there."_

" _What, uh- what do we do?"_

" _We lower her sedation, and we wait. That's all we can do. She'll come out when she's ready."_

xxx

"And then... I woke up later, but it didn't matter...I lost my baby." Meredith sighed. "So that's why... but it all seems pointless now."

"Please tell me you don't have a death wish." Alex pleaded, still gripping her hand.

She didn't. She didn't want to die, not after what she'd been through. She was a doctor. She valued life. And she was here for some reason right? "No. But what am I supposed to do now?"

"I don't know, Mer. What do you want to do?"

Suddenly everything in her burst, "Iwanttobeamom," she blurted. Was that the gaping hole that wore in her heart? She curled into Alex, her head falling on his chest as she sobbed. She didn't even realize that was what she wanted until she said it. Yet there was a bigger question, "How do I do that?"

 **A/N:** Okay that last part totally came out of nowhere for me... but it was so perfect wasn't it? Review!


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:** I was going to update **A Fight to Remember,** but I am battling some writers block on that one, so... here is another install of this. When I posted the previous chapter for this story, I didn't get much response, I think maybe I posted it too soon and didn't give readers time to miss my story... Chapter 8 was a huge chapter and I'd really like to hear your thoughts, if you feel so inclined to post a review, that would be awesome!

Anyway...

"Dad, look!" Noah called from his room.

Jackson smiled as he padded down the hallway to his son's room. Noah was obsessed about trains. He probably wanted to show him the new tracks. He walked in to find him half dressed, pushing a four car train down on the wooden tracks, which resembled an 'S' shape. Noah navigated the curves carefully and made _chuka chuka_ noises as he did so. The end of the track was nothing but carpet and Noah made a crashing noise as he pushed the train off the track and onto the carpet.

"Okay," Jackson smiled, truly proud of his son. He was growing so fast. "But it's time to go Noah, and you need to put a shirt on."

"Oh yeah," he said, looking down at his scrawny bare chest. Then he stretched out his arm and bent it to flex his muscles, "Look, I'm strong, just like you!"

"Yes you are," He acknowledged. "Do you want transformers or tiger?" he asked, holding up the T-shirts April had picked out earlier.

Today was no contest. "Transformers!"

"Okay, buddy." He tossed the shirt to him and headed out the door, knowing it would encourage him to follow. "Put your shirt on and come for breakfast."

A few seconds later, Noah blew past him into the kitchen, where April placed some fruit and toast for them to get started on. April almost ran into Noah on her way out of the shower. She stood there, wrapped only in a towel and watched Noah in amazement.

He followed April into the bedroom for a quick second, "Okay," April said, "Noah's bag is packed and ready for playschool, there's extra clothes in there for him and his swim trunks since he's going swimming. And I packed some leftover lasagna for lunch for us... oh, and my OB appointment is at ten, so I'll see you then?"

Jackson smiled as he watched April change. He walked towards her and kissed her forehead, "Unless I see you earlier?"

"Mm, I might have to page you for a consult in the pit, you never know," She pecked him on the lips. "Oh yeah, remember that little girl from the house fire? I know why she looked so familiar... she's in Noah's playschool."

"Really?" Jackson was concerned the foster mother was still in critical condition. "Karev's probably going to be discharging her today." He hoped she would be put in a good home.

"It's so sad, we might not see her again, who knows if they'll keep her in the same program?"

"Yeah..." Jackson sighed, "Well, If I see the social worker, I'll talk to her." Having a child of their own showed them that the world was so big, and there was so much to lose. Compassion came a lot more naturally now. "Okay, see you. Love you. Bye Noah, Daddy''s going to work, and Mommy's going to take you to playschool."

"Yeah! Payskoo!"

xxx

Callie sliced strawberries while the waffles cooked. When she finished, she had a large plate of waffles and fruit for them. "Good morning," she greeted Arizona, who had just slipped her prosthetic on and appeared in the doorway.

"Good morning," Arizona said cheerfully. "Sofia up?"

Callie nodded to the TV, "Watching Dora..." Their little girl was bouncing and pointing as the cartoon latina heroine led the way to a new adventure.

"Good morning, munchkin," Arizona called.

"Mama!" Sofia ran to give her mother a hug and kiss.

Afterwhich Arizona hopped up to take a seat at the counter. "Mmmm, waffles?"

"Yup." Callie grinned widely.

"Last night was..."

"Amazing." They'd managed to put their issues aside last night and just enjoy each other. For awhile, they forgot about surrogacy and pregnancy and adoption and fellowships, and rested in the comfort that they had each other. They were both alive and breathing and could be happy if they wanted to.

"It was nice not fighting for once," Arizona read her mind.

"Yeah..." Callie took a sip of her coffee.

"So, adoption? You want to do it?" Arizona asked, drizzling syrup on her waffle.

Callie decided to give it a shot, after listening to what Owen said about adoption yesterday, she realized he was right. A life was a life. And they had a home, and love, and they could give that to someone else. But first she had to guage if this was the right course right now. Especially if Arizona wanted to pursue her career. "Okay, first tell me about this fellowship," Callie asked. They had to figure that out first. How much time would this take from them before they chose another child to be in their life?

"Well... a fetal surgery fellowship would be intense for sure," Her wife rambled, "but Dr. Hernan is going to be a great teacher. I mean, to be able to work on a tiny human in utero?" She shook her head, "That would be amazing... plus, there are so very few people who can do what she does..."

"So this isn't something you want to put off?"

"I don't think I can,"

Callie shrugged. "Okay, no problem right? We can wait a year, and when you're done the fellowship, we can look into adoption." No harm done? It sounded so simple.

"Actually..." Arizona tapped her fingers on the counter, "Remember Alex's Africa project? Well we have another group arriving soon and... well there's this one little girl with spina bifida... she's adorable and..."

Callie raised an eyebrow, "You want to adopt internationally?"

"Um, well... maybe?"

xxx

Meredith lay on the exam room table staring at the ceiling while Connie, the OB, finished her examination. She was trying to force herself not to think too much about the future. Since last night's revelation, however, she couldn't stop and it was killing her. Hope? What was that? How long would it last before it came crashing down on her again?

The snap of Connie's gloves brought her to reality.. Meredith pushed herself up on her elbows and removed her feet from the stirrups. "So... um, how does it look?"

Connie stood up from her stool and turned to write a few notes on the chart. When she looked over, her face was impassive. A bad sign, "I'm sorry Meredith, but there was a lot of damage done to your uterus when you had that c-section. I don't think you'll be able to successfully carry to term."

She wasn't sure she heard correctly, "So..."

"Your uterus is hostile, it's very likely you'll miscarry any future pregnancy."

It was like someone ripped her heart out and stomped on it. Apparently that had already been done with her uterus. She pulled the paper sheet off her midsection, not really caring that Connie was still in the room.

"Dr. Grey?" Connie asked.

"You know... it's fine. It's okay really. I shouldn't have expected-" she couldn't finish her sentence as she swallowed the lump in her throat. Through blurry eyes she pulled on her underwear and scrub pants.

"We can discuss other options-"

Meredith didn't hear as she left the room.

xxx

April hummed happily as she entered the attendings lounge. In a few minutes, she' d be going in for her ultrasound. She'd had an initial ultrasound when she first found out, but Jackson wasn't there. This would be their first time together.

"Hey Mer," she said, noticing her colleague standing at her locker. It'd been a long time since they had a chance to talk, so she decided to take this time to catch her up. "So Jackson and I are going for our ultrasound today," she rattled off, making conversation. "I'm starting to show now... Oh, are you in the pool? Alex is starting a pool for the gender..." She paused when she was met with silence. "Mer?"

"Great." Meredith said in a bitter tone, smoothing the ferryboat scrubcap on her lap.

"You know, when are you going to get over this?" April asked, suddenly realizing that it came out a little harsh. She softened her tone, "I mean, I get that you lost a child... I do... I'm so sorry for what happened to you," she said, stepping closer. She couldn't imagine the pain Meredith suffered.

But then it clicked, when Meredith stopped speaking to her. "Ever since I told you I was pregnant... you've been avoiding me. You never say hi to Noah anymore... We used to be friends. _You_ were the one who convinced me that Jackson and I could do this..."

"You should get to your appointment," Meredith shrugged on her labcoat.

"No, really Meredith, what's going on?" She wanted her friend back, and maybe Meredith just needed to talk it out. Maybe she could help. She could understand if Meredith felt a little jealous... she would if it was her.

"April... don't talk to me."

Just then Jackson entered, "April, there you are! Are you ready?" She felt his arm around his waist, and somehow that buoyed her a little more to confront Meredith.

"Can't you at least be happy for me? As a friend?"" April continued, life was a good thing, a happy thing... she wanted Meredith to be her baby's cool aunt.

"Fine April! I'm happy for you!" Meredith snapped and whirled to face her. "I'm happy you have a hot husband who loves you, and that you have the most adorable four-year-old son, and another one on the way! Yay you! You get to enjoy everything that was taken from me by the stupid crap universe- Or is it God? Did he do this? Kill my life... my uterus? You want me to be your friend? Why don't you ask Jesus what I did to deserve this, because I'd really like to know!" She slammed the door to her locker and barged out.

Meredith's emotional landslide struck April deeply and she leaned into Jackson, speechless. "I-Oh God... I didn't even... why? I feel so awful, I didn't know this was still so raw..."

xxx

Alex made his way through his rounds, last one up, four year old Anna. A little girl admitted yesterday with burns after she was rescued from a house fire. A freaking stove exploded. He shook his head at the craziness of it all. She'd survived though, only suffering from minor first and second degree burns on her hands and knees, and smoke inhalation. But as he thumbed through her labs, he noticed something that concerned him.

"Hey Anna Banana," he called as he approached her bed. She was gorgeous, dark curly hair and flashing grey-green eyes. The girl pouted slightly, roused from sleep, and rubbed her eyes with her one bandaged arm. "Let me check your bandages okay?" She sleepily offered her right arm, which had a birthmark the size of a quarter on her forearm. He ignored that, carefully pulling the edge of the bandage above it.

"Itchy." Anna said, touching the bandage.

"Itchy huh? That's good, it means it's healing."

Anna shrugged, and played with her gown.

"Hey Anna, I have to ask you a very important question... and I need you to tell me the truth. Can you do that for me?"

The little girl's shoulders bounced again.

"Does it hurt when you pee?" he asked, "like a burn?"

Anna nodded. "Hurts," she said, pointing to herself.

"Yeah?" It confirmed his suspicions, she had a urinary tract infection, which was common and thankfully easy to treat. "Are there times when you feel you have to pee really bad, but when you sit on the toilet nothing comes?"

"Uh huh."

"Well I'm going to give you some medicine so that you'll feel better okay?" He wrote up a perscription for antibiotics in her chart. Just then, an orderly arrived with breakfast and placed it on her table. Anna didn't show any interest in the food, however.

"Are you gonna eat?" Alex picked up a banana from the tray. She shook her head and collapsed back on the pillows. "C'mon, you gotta eat," he coaxed.

Anna scrunched her nose at the food in front of her. Something about that look was familiar, he didn't know what though.

"What do you like to eat?" he asked. At this point, it didn't matter what she ate, just that she'd eat something. He was reluctant to discharge her without seeing her eat.

Before he could get an answer, his pager beeped, "Crap," he muttered. "All right Anna Banana, you gotta eat something okay? Tell the nurse what you want." As he left her bed, he pulled the nurse aside, "I gotta go work on this thing," he said. "Make sure she eats something, fill this prescription, and give her the first dose. The social worker will be here at the end of the day, page me when she gets here."

Now he had to go and make arrangements for the African orphans.

 **A/N:** A lot more to come! Oh, and please check out my story **Growing Pains,** if you're an Olivia Benson fan, it's a Greys SVU crossover, and I'm a couple chapters from finishing. Love to hear your thoughts on that one, crossovers don't get much attention.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:** Okay, I'm back... I just had to focus on **A Fight to Remember** for a little while, now I'm back. There's a little bit of spoilers from Season 11 ep 1 in this chapter. Also I've updated **Growing Pains** if any one is interested.

Owen hated paperwork. He stared at the budget reports until it blurred into itself before shoving it away. Rubbing his eyes, he decided to go for a walk, maybe find Webber and ask him a couple questions. Although he'd been Chief for a couple years now he still appreciated Webber's advice. He sighed and stood up, taking a folder with him. Webber was probably in the attendings lounge. As he stepped around his desk, someone knocked on the door. He looked up sharply to see a small form in the doorway. Amelia.

"Chief Hunt?" she asked, taking a few steps in. She balanced a cup of coffee and a few papers under her arm.

"Dr. Shepherd." Owen acknowledged, faintly smiling. He hoped she was here to apply for the Head of Neuro position. "How was the commute?" He joked.

Amelia chuckled, "Traffic was pretty light, except for a bit of a jam at the elevators."

"Oh, yeah, it's always backed up over there." He parried, glad Amelia had a sense of humour. Then he cleared his throat, "What can I do for you?"

Amelia took a deep breath and handed him the paper, "Um... my application, for Head of Neuro."

He took the paper, briefly glancing at it before placing it on his desk. "Great, I'll take a look at it this afternoon."

Amelia nodded. "Thanks... Oh, and this," she handed him the coffee.

"This isn't a bribe is it?" he asked, cocking his head slightly. '

Amelia's lips twitched slightly. "It's just coffee."

"Right. Coffee." He smiled.

"Coffee."

They stood awkwardly for a half a minute before his pager beeped. Incoming trauma on the helipad, "I'll keep you posted. Gotta go."

xxx

Alex stepped on the elevator and nodded to April and Jackson, "Hey," he said. Then he noticed April's tense expression. "Everything okay? Is it the baby?" he asked.

April shook her head and crossed her arms. Jackson just sighed.

"Well?" He prompted. When they refused to speak to him he pushed the stop button. "What's going on? Is it something to do to Mer? What did she say to you?"

"It's nothing," Jackson said ,rubbing April's back. "It's fine."

"No I don't think so, I just passed her in the hallway, she looked..." Pissed? Sad? He didn't know.

"She just snapped at me," April said, "But it's okay, I guess she's allowed to snap. She warned me and I- I pushed, I shouldn't have pushed. I just wanted to know what was going on. She's been avoiding me ever since she found out I was pregnant. It was stupid."

"Crap." Alex said, realizing what was happening. "I told her to get an early appointment with an OB/GYN this morning... just to- you know," he shrugged, hoping that April would catch his drift. "It probably wasn't good news."

April put a hand over her mouth, "You mean... she wants to try again?"

"I don't know..." Alex sighed. "She wants to be a mom." He reached over and depressed the elevator stop button. "We never had this conversation, got it?" Mer would kill him. But they needed to know so there wouldn't be any more accidental rub-it-in's to set her off today.

"We get it." Jackson said, gripping April's hand. April nodded in agreement.

The elevator stopped at his floor and Alex nodded. "Uh, good luck with your appointment." He managed to say before exiting.

He headed to a file room to pull some old medical files from some of his old cases. His Africa patients. One of them was returning due to complications to her shunt. What was the name again? Zola. Right.

xxx

Cristina tried to pry her eyes open. She tried to move, but her body just wouldn't move. Stupid jet lag. But she had to get up, there was too much she had to prepare herself for. She took a few deep inhales, flooding her lungs with oxygen.

After a minute or two, she sat up and stretched. The problem with the Swiss is that their beds were just too comfortable. The light on her phone flashed indicating she had a message. She picked it up to check what she'd missed.

Two missed calls from Meredith, no message. Another call from Alex, he left a message this time. Something about that bothered her. Setting the phone on speaker, she replayed the message while she popped open her suitcase.

" _Hey, it's me. Mer tried to call you a couple times but you probably have jet lag or something. Look, she's lonely, she misses you. Lexie's going to that brainiac thing in DC so... Anyway, I don't know- I'm new to this Person stuff. She cried all over me last night. She wants... Mer wants a kid, Yang, and... I don't know what to do about that... anyway, can you call her? Or me? When you get a minute?_

Cristina swallowed. She really didn't know how to help her friend from here. But... at least, it wasn't like before, at least Meredith wanted something for herself. She didn't want to die, not like before.

 _Four years ago:_

 _Cristina burst through the door, slamming it shut loudly behind her. She was just too excited to be quiet today. And she wanted to celebrate with her Person,"Mer! Mer- you'll never guess-" She dashed through the house, looking for her. The living room was empty, she passed through it quickly, stopping for only the briefest moment to notice the sonogram picture on the coffee table. She swallowed. Maybe she could cheer Mer up with surgery details._

 _She pushed through the entrance to the kitchen, happy to see her friend up and about, sitting at the kitchen table, her crutches leaning against a chair. "Mer, I did a solo surgery-" she started, but there was something wrong with the picture before her._

 _Meredith stared past her, her gaze blank and... dead. Her hand was covering something, and beside her was a bottle of tequila, more than a third of it gone._

" _Mer," Cristina started, "You shouldn't be drinking alcohol, you're still on pain medication..."_

 _The only response was the sound of her breathing. Cristina slowed her approach, no sudden movements. "Mer? What are you doing with that knife?"_

 _Meredith's gaze slid to the sharp utensil under her fingertips. She swallowed and moved her mouth but made no sound._

 _Cristina looked around the kitchen. There was nothing around to indicate that she needed the knife for anything. There was nothing cooking, no food around that required chopping or slicing. She could only assume the worst. Cristina leaned over and slid it out of Meredith's weak grasp._

" _Meredith?" Cristina asked again. She knew Mer was struggling, she didn't think it was this bad. Anger and frustration boiled through her. She should have stayed home today. Meredith shouldn't have been left alone. "Meredith! Snap out of it! What the hell were you doing? You weren't- you can't-"_

" _Derek is dead," Meredith whispered. "Derek is dead and my baby is dead. Why am I still here? Why Cristina?"_

" _I -..." Cristina moved toward her friend, wanting to offer something, but she had no answer for her._

 _Meredith stood up suddenly, too suddenly. She swayed and fell back on her chair with a grunt, causing the bottle of tequila to tip over, it's contents spilling onto her socked feet. A soft whimper escaped her lips. "What's the point? What's the- I can't- I can't..." she slurred._

 _Cristina wrapped Meredith's small broken frame in a tight hug and they collapsed on the floor._

" _I'm here." Was all she could say._

" _It's not enough..." Meredith sighed, pulling from her grasp. "How are you fine? How are you okay?" She asked angrily._

" _I'm not... Mer, I'm not okay." She still had flashbacks sometimes. She still jumped when there was loud noises. She still had nightmares. If it wasn't for Owen... she didn't know where she would be. But Meredith didn't have Derek, and she lost a lot more than she had. "I'm taking you to the hospital," she declared._

" _What? No..."_

 _But Cristina wouldn't give up on her Person. And right know Meredith needed someone who knew what the hell to do with the broken mess on the kitchen floor. It surprisingly took very little effort to drag Meredith out the door and into the car to the hospital._

Cristina pushed the memory down and took a moment to consider what to say to her friend, and to Alex. Finally, a distant memory came to mind and decided to call Evil Spawn. "Okay... here's what you do..."

xxx

The chopper rolled in with a thunderous roar, while the wind blew with furious might. Maggie's hair whipped around her face as she made her way with Owen to the middle of the Helipad.

"What do we got?" She asked.

"Multi trauma, hikers found him in the woods."

They waited with the gurney while the chopper struggled to land in the wind. When it finally settled, they ran over, pulling the gurney with them. The paramedics transfered him in from the helicopter, calling out his vitals.

"Thirty-eight year old male-"

"BP is stable but low-"

Maggie took a second to gather her self together before she looked at the terrified and confused patient, "We got you. It's gonna be okay."

"Lily..." the man said weakly.

"Grey!" Owen called out and Maggie looked over to see a blonde doctor running up from the elevator.

Maggie studied the other woman as Owen rattled off the patients stats again. Was this Meredith Grey? Ellis' daughter? Her sister? She looked familiar, and then she realized that it was the same sad woman she saw at the bar yesterday. Her focus snapped again to the patient as they got him from the the elevator and into the trauma bay.

"Let's get an IV started..." Meredith said as she began her examination. "Edwards!" she snapped to one of the hovering residents, "Check out his foot."

"Oh, God," Edwards said, pulling on the bandages.

Maggie swallowed, she just had to make sure that this was Meredith Grey. "So... "You're from Boston?" She asked Meredith.

Meredith looked up, "Uh, I moved there when I was five."

"Oh, I'm from Boston too," she said with relief.

Meredith didn't respond as she jabbed her stethoscope over the patient's chest. "His pulse is through the roof... order an EKG stat!"

Maggie finished setting up leads and monitors. She wanted to make a good impression with Dr. Grey. She checked his monitors, "He needs to get an echo," she said, as she was worried about an underlying cardiac issue.

"My family! Where..." The patient grabbed Meredith's hand and pulled it from his midsection as she was attempting an ultrasound, "Lily my daughter, she's six... we were- I left them with the car... I can't"

"Sir, please... it's okay, we'll find your family, but you need to stay still. Edwards up his sedation, start a fluid BOLUS and a dopamine drip."

"Dr. Grey-" Maggie started, she was worried about his potassium levels. It could interfere with his heart rythmn. "We need to get an echo- I can get a team ready,"

But Meredith was already shaking her head as she stared at the ultrasound. "There's perinephric fluid build up, we need to take him to CT now."

Maggie was done trying to get along with Meredith now, she had to fight for the patient. And it was very possible that he could code on the table. "But he could-" She started.

"What's your name?" Meredith demanded, her tone harsh.

"Dr. Pierce, Maggie." She stated, barely containing the bite of anger in her voice. How did Meredith not know her name yet? Did she even know she was the Cardio Chief?

"Dr. Pierce, he's circling the drain," Meredith barked. "There could be an abcess, the echo is gonna have to wait. Owen and I need to take him for a CT." And with that they were wheeling him back to the elevator to take him to radiology.

"Dammit!" Maggie cursed to herself in the empty trauma room. So much for trying to make a good impression.

xxx

Alex sighed and hung up the phone after his conversation with Cristina. He had to admit, it was a good idea and made sense for Meredith. He made a mental note to page her later.

"Hey," An overcheerful voice called as he looked up from his paperwork. It was Arizona.

"Hey," he replied.

"So, I'm going to be working on this fellowship with Dr. Hernan..."

"Yeah, I heard."

"So..." She slid over to the desk and leaned against it.

"What now?" He snarked. She was going to dump more work on him wasn't she?

"You're kinda gonna have to be me now,"

"Do I get a pay raise?"

"Um, no."

"Crap."

"Well I guess it just means I'll owe you one."

"Whatever." He tapped his pen on the table.

"And..." Arizona trailed off. "I was wondering about one of your Africa patients. Remember that little girl with Spina Bifida that Weller operated on?"

"Yeah, hang on," he dug through the stack of folders. "Zola. She's coming back for more surgery. She'll be here in a couple days."

Arizona took the folder and flipped through it. "God she's just a few months older than Sofia."

"Why the interest?"

"Callie and I are thinking about adopting her."

Alex leaned back in his chair and nodded slowly. Man, what was going around in the water these days? Babies, babies babies. Everybody wanted babies...

He rubbed his forehead and yawned. He was so tired.

Just then, there was a knock on the doorframe and he looked up.

"We need to talk," Jo said, crossing her arms.

Crap. Now what?


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N:** Thanks Everyone for all your support! Please enjoy this next installment!

Callie sat on a stool in the orthopedic lab, glaring at an X-Ray as she tinkered with the bone model in front of her, she had to get the sizes just right...

"Hey," Mark's familiar timbre greeted her through the doorway of the lab.

"Hey," she replied, though she was still focused on the model. What was Mark doing here? wasn't he supposed to be at his practice?

"I'm just letting you know I'm taking Sofia to the park." He said, answering half of her questions.

"Oh. Okay," she said, glancing up at him. He seemed tired, light bags under his eyes. And his cheeks and jaw were lined with a five o'clock shadow. He hadn't shaved. Which for Mark was...weird. He seemed... sad. She wasn't going to let him leave just yet. "What's going on?" she asked, "did Lexie break up with you?" Blunt and to the point.

Her best friend took a couple more steps into the room "Uhh... " he said, sounding uncertain. Mark exhaled loudly and ran a hand through his short hair. "I don't know Callie, she needs space or something. She's going to DC."

"Well I get that she's pissed at you," Callie picked up one of her hammers. While she wasn't very close to Lexie, she understood her feelings. Mark cheated on her. "I have half a mind to throw this at you, you know."

"Please do, I deserve it." He shoved his hands into the pockets of his black sports jacket mopey-like. "It's like we're playing a friggin game of snakes and ladders. We go up a ladder, think we're getting somewhere, and then... we slide down the snake and we're farther back then we were before... It's so-"

"Stupid? Pointless? Repetitive?"

"What do I do?" he asked.

Callie arched an eyebrow. He was asking her for advice? Really? This was bad. "What did she say exactly?"

"I'm supposed to wait for her and stop being an ISCT, an immature sex crazed teenager."

"Oh no..." Callie started, her relationship gears started turning as she flipped the situation over in her mind.

"Well maybe I am... a little-" Mark interjected.

"Not that," Callie said. "She told you to wait for her?"

"Yeah, why?" Mark touched his lip with his forefinger in confusion.

Callie wanted to throttle Lexie. Seriously? She was pulling the 'I need to find myself' trick again? "Mark," Callie sighed, her shoulders slumping slightly. "You don't really have time to wait for her. It's time to stop playing snakes and ladders and take a spin on the freakin game of life!"

Mark's head snapped up, and he looked at her, stunned.

"Look, you were gonna move your practice to D.C right?"

"Yeah."

"So you're not an ISCT. You're willing to sacrifice and..." She paused, thinking about her and Arizona's earlier discussion, about babies, about happiness and waffles and another kid. She swallowed. This is what love was. People made sacrifices, compromises. They encouraged each other. They were there for each other. Even when they messed up and did screwy things. They didn't run. Or hide, or make things difficult on purpose. "You should go to DC," she blurted.

"What?"

She gave herself a second to actually consider what she just said. Lexie was trying to be mature about this but... "Give her space, but not too much space, Mark. Otherwise, she'll fly away on you."

Mark frowned. "I don't quite get it."

"Go to DC. Rent your own place... and just be around."

"Oh."

"But don't stalk. Stalking is bad."

He nodded, a glimmer of comprehension dawning on his face. "Right. Thanks."

Callie smiled her usual brilliant, 'I'm glad I helped' smile. Then she remembered something else she needed to tell him. "Oh and Mark, you might be an uncle soon."

"What?" He looked shocked and confused, "You're...?"

"Arizona and I are looking to adopt," Callie said quickly before he could jump to conclusions.

Mark grinned the proud uncle grin. "I... that's great. Sofia will love a brother or sister. Shucks, Cal, I'm happy for you."

Callie returned his smile with her own, her heart spiking at the feeling of inviting someone else in her life to love... and that she was pushing Mark forward to his own happiness. "Have fun at the park," she said.

xxx

April adjusted her gown as she shifted on the examination table. Unconsciously, she took Jackson's hand in hers, squeezing hard with nervousness. Jackson responded by rubbing his thumb in small circles on the her knuckles. Arizona spread the cool ultrasound gel over her slightly rounded belly, as she clicked the ultrasound machine on.

"Let's take a look here," Arizona said, the wand sliding easily over her bare belly.

April looked at Jackson in reverent awe. Meredith's comments today had really thrown her and she felt horrible. But what they had was precious, and Meredith reminded her that it could all be taken away in an instant. She couldn't take this for anxiously watched the monitor together.

"There's the head," Arizona pointed at the larger part of the blob that was now forming on the screen.

"Aww... April said, tilting to gaze at Jackson, "It's got your head."

"My head?" He snorted, "My head's not that big..."

Arizona rolled her eyes. "Guys, really?"

They paused for a moment as Arizona shifted the wand around again, "Okay, there's the heartbeat..."

They listened to the woosh woosh woosh of the ultrasound heartbeat and smiled. April squeezed Jackson's hand again. A heartbeat. Her baby was officially something more than a collection of cells in her womb, mulitplying, Her baby had a heart, it was growing everyday, it was alive... Arizona seemed a little concerned, however. She squinted at the readings on the monitor.

"What is it?" April asked, noticing the slight downward turn of Arizona's usual happy smile, "What's wrong?"

She sighed. "Well, the baby's heartbeat is just a little higher than I'd like to see, but it's not unusual." Her tone was purposely chipper, as if she was trying to be reassuring

"What does that mean?" Jackson asked. April could see the slight intensity in his eyes. He stopped the comforting circles he'd been making. You don't lie to an Avery. Especially about this. She looked back at Arizona, and then at the screen again, forcing herself to remain calm.

Fortunately, Arizona seemed to relax, "It's probably nothing. The chance that it is something is one percent. At this point in the pregnancy, the baby's heart is still developing, so this is not unusual."

"So... nothing to worry about."

"I'm not concerned April, just avoid caffeine and limit your sugar and you should be fine." Arizona smiled.

"You're sure?" Jackson asked, although it was more like him telling her to be sure.

"Yes," Arizona said confidently.

"Okay," Jackson turned back to look at April. He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles, reassuring her too.

"Otherwise, we are all good here." Arizona continued. She pressed a button on the ultrasound machine to print out a picture. "The fetus is healthy and developing at the right rate. Still can't tell the sex just yet, but we should on your next ultrasound." She wiped the jelly off with a sanitary wipe and tossed it into the bin.

"Okay..." Elation filled April. Everything was fine, just fine.

Arizona snapped her gloves off and smiled, causing the skin at the corner of her eyes to crinkle slightly. "I'm all done here, I'll leave you two.." she said as she exited the room.

Jackson bent down, his lips meeting hers and pressed before pulling lightly on her bottom lip. "No more coffee," he hummed.

"No more coffee," she murmured, taking his hand and pulling it to her swelled abdomen. But even as she said it, she cupped his jaw, pulling him closer to her, and she kissed him, deep and passionate and full of gratefullness.

xxx

Amelia spun in her chair in the CT room while she waited for her patient to finish with the scan. Twisting one way, than another, she waited. This was the boring part. Waiting. At least she had coffee though. She took a small sip of the bitter brew and faced the monitor again. She jerked up when she heard tapping on the door. Webber.

"How are you doing?" the older surgeon asked, giving her a fatherly gaze.

Amelia was tired of hearing that. Eveybody asked her that. Especially yesterday. She sighed and gripped her coffee, taking another sip with a shrug. "How are you doing?"

Richard squinted, reading her deflection, "Oh fine," he said.

She didn't quite believe him. He'd been a bot of a wreck last night when he confessed that Maggie was his daughter. "Tell her yet?" Amelia asked over the lid of her coffee cup.

"I-I want to... I just don't know how... I what do I say?"

"Richard, you have to tell her." Amelia pressed through narrowed eyes.

"I..." he started nervously.

"Tell who what?" A high ptiched voice asked.

Amelia tipped her head past Richard to see Maggie standing in the doorway of the CT room. She raised a cocky eyebrow at Richard, daring him... _Just say it._ She thought. _Maggie, I am your father._ She imagined him saying, although it came out in Darth Vader's voice for some stupid reason. Amelia suppressed a grin. He should just say it. She'd suffered enough loss and heartache already. It was time somebody finally found their family.

But Richard was already standing, blushing, leaving... "Nothing... I uh... another attending," he stammered as he exited. "I'll see you later," he said before he wobbled off.

Maggie stood there, looking confused and a little shaken, "Is he okay?" she asked. "I feel like he's avoiding me or something."

Amelia was quick to give a dismissive wave, "Oh it's nothing, don't worry about it."

Maggie nodded, but didn't seem so sure. She stepped in and stood beside Amelia, "You paged me for a consult?"

"Yeah, I'm just running the CT now," Amelia said. She patted the seat beside her inviting Maggie to sit. She sat, almost pouting, her demeanor very different from the chipper self she was yesterday.

"Are you okay?" Amelia asked. She felt that Maggie could be her friend. It was nice to know someone who didnt know her history, who wasn't wrapped up in all the hospital drama that went on because of her.

Maggie sighed. "Do you know Meredith Grey?" she asked.

"Why? What do you want to know about Meredith?" Amelia asked, curious as to what set her sort of sister in law off on Maggie.

"Is she always so...mean?" Maggie asked.

Sudden understanding clicked in for Amelia. Of course. Maggie was half Grey, which meant that she'd probably spent half the morning trying to get to know Meredith. And Meredith had no doubt cut her down with her dark and twisty dagger. She could do that sometimes, although Amelia knew it was just how she expressed her pain, and she would rather push people away then have them leave her. This should be interesting, she thought. Amelia, offered a small smile. "Meredith was Derek's wife. My brother's wife..."

"Your brother? Oh. Ohhh." Maggie suddenly nodded.

"Yesterday was the anniversary of Derek's death. She um... she didn't take it well, and a lot of other stuff happened to her."

Maggie put her head in her hands... "I didn't know, oh."

"What happened?" Amelia asked.

"Nothing, nevermind." Maggie said, shaking her head. "Oh, look, the CT is done."

"Yeah," Amelia acknowledged, reviewing the scans. Holy... that aneurysm was... huge and complex "Check out this aneurysm, it's lodged in his spine, cutting off the blood supply to his lower limbs."

"Ooooh," Maggie said, wincing. "That's definitely vascular. But I think I can divert this..." she motioned with her hands.

"You mean use his aneurysm as a way to move the blood back into the spinal column?" It was a damned near impossible situation, but... she wasn't a cardiothoracic surgeon. Amelia sat up, suddenly excited. "Maggie that's brilliant!"

"It's risky, but I'm pretty sure I can do it." Maggie said. "I'll get Brooks to book an OR and prep him." Suddenly her pager beeped. "Dammit, I knew he needed an echo..." she muttered. "I have to go, I'll come find you when I'm done."

"Got it," Amelia said, watching her go.

xxx

Meredith glowered at her patient's insides. Dammit. They'd drained the fluid build up, but still, he was bleeding. The left kidney looked good, except there was damage to the left renal vein, and the ureter. And the right kidney... was failing. "Edwards, what do we do when one kidney is bad, and the other is good, but the veins for the good kidney are shot?"

"Uh... Auto transplant?" Wilson asked from her station on the side.

"That's correct. Alright, come over here and assist, I need to remove the left kidney and transplant it to the right side."

"Really?" Edwards sounded like a kid in a candy store.

"Just get over here, and you better work fast." Meredith growled. They had to work fast he was circling the drain...

"Uh, Right."

"Believe this guy survived on his own in the wilderness for a month?" Owen asked.

Meredith swallowed a lump in her throat. She'd been there with him while he was in CT. He'd been so distressed and panicked, trying to find his wife and daughter... he thought it'd been just a few days... but she had to open her fat mouth, and tell him the truth. That he'd been gone more than a month. The look in his eyes, the sheer disbelief and terror. He didn't want to believe her. Who would? She wouldn't.

"I don't know how he did it..." Owen was saying.

"I do." Meredith said, her voice sad and small. "He had hope." And she'd crushed it. _You've you've been in the desert for more than three days._

 _It's maybe maybe four days._

 _Based on your state of dehydration and your level of malnutrition, I think it's been more like one or two months._

 _What? No. What? They're gone, aren't they? My Lily? My Lily. She's six. She's six years old._

Suddenly, the machines beeped loudly, she spun to see the monitor, dammit, Pierce was right, she was hoping she'd have more time. "No, dammit, you don't get to die on me today."

"He's tachycardic." Owen called out.

"Page Pierce, let's get that echo," Meredith called, as she worked frantically to keep him alive. "Edwards, secure that kidney!"

A few moments later, the door burst open, and an angry Dr. Pierce strode in. "I told you that we needed to get that echo..." she chastised. "Step back and let me in here..."

Meredith was pushed aside as Maggie performed the echo, "Edwards, keep an eye on that kidney!"

"BP is dropping!" Owen shouted.

"Edwards, prep the groin for a vein graft." Pierce ordered.

And it went downhill from there. In the confusion, Edwards lost track of the kidney... causing Meredith to snap at both her resident and Dr. Pierce. Dr. Pierce, in turn reamed Meredith out for not getting the echo. Owen stepped in, ordering them to focus on the patient who decided at that point to go into V-fib, just for the hell of it, she supposed. When Pierce was finished, she left in an angry huff.

Meredith stepped back in again, to finish the transplant. She hated Dr. Pierce. She hated today. She hated herself. She should've kept her big trap shut and let the man believe his delusions. Of everyone in this hospital she understood what it was like to lose hope.

xxx

"Hey," Alex said to his girlfriend, Jo.

She approached him with crossed arms and leaned on the corner of the desk. "So..." she sounded like she wanted to accuse him of something.

"What?" He asked, was this because of him and Mer? Didn't she understand they were just friends?

"How come Grey can just kick me out of your bed?"

He knew it... "Jo," he started.

"Look... I get it, she's your friend or Person or whatever... but what are we? What if you had to make a choice?"

Alex shook his head, "I choose both of you, alright? Look, I'm not into her okay... she was there for me when Izzie left, when I got shot! You don't get to make this an ultimatum."

"Fine, but what am I Alex? You deserve than just being Robbins lackey, and Grey's pillow. I'm in this, Alex, for you, with you... can't you see that? Don't you want something more for yourself? We could do that."

"You're freaking me out, Jo. Are you talking about babies?" Because that would be bad... right? He thought.

Jo jerked from the desk as if she'd been stung. "What? Babies? Now?" she shook her head, "No! God No! I'm talking about getting our own place!"

Sudden relief hit Alex. "Oh..."

Jo's pager beeped. "Crap, house fire lady is coding, I gotta go!" And just like that she was gone.

Alex exhaled loudly and ran a hand through his hair. He didn't realize how serious Jo was about all of this... It was... Wow. He'd definitely have to talk to her later.

He checked his watch. Damn, time flew. He had to page Mer. He wanted her to meet a certain four-year old. Maybe they could cheer each other up or something.

 **A/N:** Thanks again for reading! I am one chapter away from finishing **Growing Pains** and recently started a new fic about Derek and Ferryboats. Check it out! It's called **Ferryboats and Scrubcaps.** It's just a light hearted fic!


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:** Thanks Everyone for your comments, favs and follows. Couldn't do this without you!

Please enjoy this next installment! **IMPORTANT A/N At the Bottom. PLEASE READ!**

Maggie scrubbed her hands furiously as she watched Amelia through the window work on the prone patient before her. She tried to clear her head and focus on the situation but her last surgery with Grey still left her feeling raw. After a final rinse, she barged through the doors. "Dr. Shepherd, how are we doing here?"

Amelia nodded, "Pretty good," she said in her characteristic drawl. "You came just in time, I opened up right to the T2 for you, but you should probably take over from here."

Maggie looked at the incision, the pulsing aneurysm that she would have to delicately transverse from one area to another would require extreme care. "Prepare for bypass. Pick-ups," she said. As her hand lowered to the artery, she felt a tremor.

"Dr. Pierce? You okay?" Amelia asked, noticing the tremor. Her blue eyes leaked concern as she glanced back up at Maggie.

Maggie huffed into her mask and put the tool down. "I- I just need a minute."

"No rush..." Amelia said. "Seriously... are you going to be able to do this?"

"I'm terribly sorry... It's just that last surgery with Grey threw me off. She blatantly ignored me when I told her we needed that echo... she snapped at me in front of Chief Hunt and- I don't know what's gotten into me- I turned into Mr. Hyde or something in that OR. What the hell does she have against me? I tried to be nice!"

Amelia's laughter was odd and disconcerting. "I would've paid to have seen that!" she chuckled.

"It's not funny." Maggie said darkly. The whole situation was unproffessional. She'd never worked with someone so- so... bitter? Angry?

"Oh..." Amelia said. "I get it... you got bit by the Dark and Twisty..."

"Dark and twisty?" Maggie asked. The staff at this hospital had so many inside jokes and terms it was ridiculous.

"Look, I get it... Mer snapped at me too when we first met, and that was at Derek's funeral." Amelia continued with her incision, gently widening the space in the man's spine. "You're all smiles and cheer. That just doesn't jibe with her right now. It's just- when you've lost as much as she has, you tend not to care so much about getting to know people, because who knows? Maybe you'll just lose them again."

Maggie sighed. It was possible Amelia was right. "Retractor," she called. But Meredith was her sister, she'd have to tell her eventually. And then what? Would she get a chance to know her... and by extension Ellis, her biological mother?

But then Amelia winked at her. "Doesn't mean you should give up though," she said.

xxx

Meredith rubbed her hip absently as she entered the dressing room. She picked up the patient's chart and began her notes. The autotransplant had been a success, she was very thankfull. The patient had been a little tachycardic and his blood pressure was still everywhere, but it should resolve with time. She sat down slowly on the bench, willing muscle and bone to give in a little. She was so tired.

"You okay, Grey?" Hunt asked.

"Fine... a little sore," she replied, handing him the tablet for his signature. She prepared herself for a reprimand for her behavior earlier.

"You did good in there," Hunt said instead, which surprised her. He sat beside her and tapped a few commands on the tablet.

She did good? Yeah right. Besides giving the patient a reason _not_ to fight, she also nearly lost a kidney and snapped at the new Chief of Cardio. She felt crappy. "I don't feel like it."

"Grey... that was excellent work. Top notch." Owen said calmly.

She knew he meant it too... if only she would believe him.

He blinked, and ran a hand under his thin beard, "Wait- you think this has something to do with what happened in the CT room?"

She swallowed. "I practically gave him a reason to die. He's going to fight us every step of the way of his recovery. I should know, I did." She stood up slow, ignoring her protesting bones and wiped her eyes. "I gotta go, Edwards is on his post-op care. Have her page me when he wakes up."

"Meredith..." Owen called after her.

But she ignored him and walked away, her mind drifting to something she wished she could forget.

 _Four years ago:_

 _The grey fog was lifting. She'd been hearing snippets of conversation. Noises, shuffling and scuffing. Beeping. Paper crinkling. Consciousness was returning to her. Why was she here? Everything was so peaceful before... but she'd been pushed. Now she felt sore and claustrophopic and... empty._

" _Hmmm" she sighed loudly. Her throat hurt, her right hand felt warm and heavy, there was something around her mouth. "Ohhh," she moaned. She tried to move her hand, but it was dead weight. She was so weak. Her fingers twitched instead, her eyelids fluttered._

 _Meredith opened her eyes, revealing a dim room. Machines beeped around her. What happened? Her gaze drooped and followed her right arm to the sweaty paw had been covering hers. A sleeping Lexie, her head resting on her arm as her other hand clutched hers._

 _Meredith turned her head and swallowed, she didn't want to wake her sister just yet. She was so thirsty... Was that an oxygen mask over her mouth? She tried to lift her arm again, but it failed to obey her commands. But, something felt wrong. Meredith couldn't feel the baby inside of her anymore. She looked down, her pumpkin sized bump was gone_

 _Baby... I had a baby... Meredith thought. Where's the baby? She looked around the room for it. What was wrong? Something was wrong._

 _Sudden alarm flooded her. "Lex-ie," she mumbled through her mask. "Lex," she tried again. The monitors started to beep a little faster, a little louder. She tried to move her arm again, "Babe..."_

 _Her fingers under Lexie's hand twtiched, but Lexie showed no response. "Baby," Meredith managed with a gasp. Her voice was hoarse and raw, her throat burned but she didn't care. "Where's..." she whispered. The machines beeped faster now, Meredith on the edge of a panic attack._

 _She felt empty and sore and... Meredith couldn't control her breathing anymore. Her baby! She struggled to move again. Lexie's head snapped up, the sudden change in the monitors alerting her to Meredith's situation._

" _Meredith!" Lexie squeaked, tucking her hair behind her ears. "Oh, God you're awake!" But Meredith was lost in a haze, panicking, struggling for breath and oblivious. Her face was covered in tears as she struggled to speak._

" _Meredith," Lexie said, catching on to her distress, "What's wrong?" Her eyes darted to the monitors and back at Meredith, examining her symptoms. Meredith's hands twitched, and she gasped for air. "You're having a panic attack, you need to calm down." Lexie reached above her to press a call button._

" _What in the world is going on in here Grey?" Bailey's voice demanded._

 _Meredtih turned her face toward her resident and her heartbeat slowed a little. Bailey would tell her. She would get her baby for her... but she couldn't breathe, what was wrong with this mask? She couldn't breathe!_

 _Bailey grabbed Meredith's left hand. "Grey," she said, her brown intense gaze bored into her own. "Grey, breathe. You need to breathe. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Breathe."_

 _Meredith obeyed. Bailey was right, she had to calm down. She wanted to see her baby. She didn't know what was wrong or how she got here and she needed answers. She breathed long deep breaths although her chest and throat burned with the effort. In... Out, she breathed, three- four- five times, until the panic subsided. With her eyes, she pleaded at Bailey._

 _Bailey looked at Lexie, then at the ceiling, as if she was gathering strength from nothingness. She swallowed and uttered a prayer that Meredith couldn't decipher. "Meredith. You were in an accident. You were severely injured... And I... I am so, so sorry, but... the doctors at Dillard said your baby **died** shortly after she was delivered."_

 _Meredith blinked._

" _Did you hear me?" Bailey asked. Her voice cracked and she squeezed Meredith's hand harder._

" _But she was kicking..." Meredith said. Pumpkin was in her belly, kicking. And then-_

" _Meredith-" Bailey licked her lips, as if struggling to tell her again what happened_

" _No... no no no," Meredith whimpered, fogging up the mask. Her fingers scrunched the sheets, she shook her head. It couldn't be... "No! No!"_

" _I'm sorry," Bailey said, stroking Meredith's hair over and over again. "I'm so, so, sorry..."_

 _On the other side of Meredith, Lexie clutched her sister's hand as Meredith sobbed. "Shouldn't we sedate her?" she asked._

 _But it didn't matter, in a few minutes, Meredith's grief sapped her strength, and she fell into a tortured sleep._

Meredith's head snapped up at the sound of her pager. It was Alex. What did he want? She sighed and picked herself up off the floor of the supply room where she'd taken refuge. "Ow," she said. The floor was hard and uncomfortable place.

Her gait was stiff as she made her way into the elevator. She pressed the button for the peds floor and leaned against the wall as the door closed. But an arm shot in to stop the doors from closing.

"Dr. Grey?" Dr. Pierce slid in and stood beside her.

 _Crap._ Meredith pinched the bridge of her nose. "Please, not now Dr. Pierce," she said, trying not to look at the woman. She'd snapped at April, she nearly screwed up the surgery, she'd snapped at Pierce and Edwards... she was probably going to eat Alex for dinner because she suspected him of hovering... and now she was trapped. With the cardio chief. Cristina's replacement, Mrs. Bright and Shiny.

"You can call me Maggie," Pierce said lightly.

Which meant what? She still wanted to be friends? I don't want to, Meredith thought, because that means I have to get to know you... and if I know you...

"Dr. Hunt said our patient pulled through." Maggie continued, keeping things on an even keel.

"Yeah." Meredith looked up above the elevator door, two more floors to go. If she wasn't so sore, she'd get off now and take the stairs. Instead she bit her lip and crossed her arms, resisting the urge to snark or spit or punch her in the face.

"I heard your Autotransplant was excellent."

"Yeah, sure." Would she just shut up? Meredith sighed.

"I was wonder-"

No. No, she couldn't continue this conversation, "Dr. Pierce," Meredith started. She had to do this before she got too grouchy and bit Maggie's head off. "I'm having a _really_ bad day. I'm _sore_ and _tired_. I did what I thought was best for the patient, and I don't want to argue about it. I really can't talk nice right now...so-"

Thank God the elevator door opened. Meredith pushed herself off the wall and hobbled out, leaving Maggie perplexed as the door closed.

xxx

Lexie had tracked Owen to the ICU. She had to hand in her resignation. She saw him bent over a tablet outside a patient's room. Edwards was inside, doing the usual post-op checks.

"Chief Hunt," Lexie said formally tapping the letter she'd typed this morning.

"Dr. Grey," he replied, still focused on the chart in front of him.

"Um, my resignation," she said as she handed him the letter.

"Oh," he glanced briefly at the letter, before looking back at her, "So you accepted the fellowship."

"Yeah, I'm leaving in a week."

Owen nodded and sighed. "Well... it was great working with you Lexie. You've grown into a great surgeon, and a wonderful person." He offered his hand for her to shake.

"Oh, um... thank you?" Lexie squeaked as she shook his hand. His remark caught her off guard.

Owen's lips quirked into a half smile.

Lexie sighed and nodded, she was about to turn and leave when a thought occurred to her. "Can I ask you something... kinda personal? About Cristina?

xxx

"What do you have for me?" Meredith approached Alex at the Peds desk.

"Took you long enough," Alex said, "I've been paging you for half an hour." He sounded grumpy, as he got up from his seat.

She bit back a retort, "Long surgery." Meredith muttered instead. "So... what is it?" She tried to keep her tone light and curious, she'd probably be working with a kid, and Dark and Twisty didn't have a place in Peds.

"Four-year old girl. Burns, UTI, started her on antibiotics..." He put his hand on the small of her back and guided her to the patient's room.

Nothing he said sounded surgical. Why was she here? "And..." Meredith prompted.

"And nothing, she's fine otherwise, except she wont eat." Alex handed her the chart.

"So... bowel obstruction? Possible appendicitis?" Loss of appetite could mean anything, especially in a child. She swiped through the chart, looking for clues. Oh... this was the housefire girl she'd heard about. So sad. But other than the bladder infection, nothing unusual popped up.

Alex stopped her outside the curtain. He pursed his lips, tilted his head to the side a little.

Meredith stood there, perplexed. "Alex, what's going on?"

Her 'Person' sighed, "look Mer, you wanna be a mom? Here's your chance for some practice. Anna's a foster kid, they're waiting on a new place for her. In the meantime, she won't eat and she's lonely." He pulled the curtain open, revealing a tiny little girl in Princess Pony PJ's. Her dark curly hair dipped just below her shoulders. A coloring book rested on the rolling table over her bed, and she was scribbling quite furiously on the open page.

Anna looked up, a little startled. "Hey, I'm busy here," she said before she tucked her chin in and continued coloring.

"Alex..." Meredith pulled the curtain closed. She didn't want to do this right now. She was tired and sore and crabby. Now she had to deal with a four-year-old?

"Dr. Yang's orders," Alex said. He snatched her pager off the waistband of her pants. "Give me your phone too."

"What? Alex, please... I have a critical patient-" She was a doctor, not a freakin babysitter.

But he grabbed her arm and pulled her aside. "So do I, Mer. You." He whispered sharply in her ear. "You snapped at Kepner this morning, and I heard what happened with Dr. Pierce. You need this, Mer, a different perspective, hope... Something." Alex took the chart from her.

"But-" She looked at the girl, then back at Alex.

"An hour, okay? Take her to the cafeteria, get her to eat. Talk to her, I don't care. Your patient will be fine, I already checked with Hunt." He stood there, arms crossed, not taking no for an answer.

"Fine." Meredith huffed. "You owe me." She handed him her phone.

"Fine," Alex said. He turned around and headed back toward the nurses station.

Meredith stared at the curtain. Stupid Alex. If he thought this would fix her, he was a long way off... but whatever, she was tired of people on her back today. Kids, she could do kids right? One kid. She could do one kid for an hour? She pulled the curtain open. "Hi, Anna," she said softly. Anna looked up at her for a minute, and she was startled by her eyes. They had the same color eyes.

xxx

 ****IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ!****

 **A/N:** Okay... on another note- I am about to do a risky thing... I am going to see what the readers think about Zola. While in my head, I originally have it set-up that Arizona and Callie adopt her... some fans have expressed a different opinion.

So, I have set up a poll on my profile page, it's at the very top. You have to sign in to answer the poll. If you are a guest, please leave a review to express your thoughts. The options are- McSlexie, Calzona, or Meredith. I think I've established that Anna is Meredith's child, she just doesn't know it yet... Can Meredith handle another kid?

I can't garantee that I will write according to the Poll's results, as I tend to write where my heart takes me... but you are my audience, and so you can at least have a say.

Thanks!


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:** Thanks everyone for your input regarding Zola, I have kept the poll open still, as I probably have a few chapters before I begin that storyline, so if you haven't voted, please do!

On another note, I recieved some comments about Jolex that brought up some good points...

Jolex fans, there will be more to their story, promise. I am actually cycling through ideas now. I like Jo, actually... I think she is underwritten on the show, and I will be exploring her and her relationship with Alex. In this universe, Alex is a little slow to the draw. He doesn't own his own home, he's not raking in the dough with that Butt doctor, but ... he loves Jo, and he's only now learning to make her a priority because she's going to push it with him... Where will that lead? I haven't written it... but remember the comment Callie made to Addison back in season three about settling down and barbequing and playing ball with the kids? That's the picture I want to paint for them...

As for Omelia... a slow burn. Elements that were present in season 12 will be involved in this version. Just remember, this is not an established relationship like all the others. They have to get to know each other... maybe there'll be puppies involved, I don't really know.

I'm not a fluffy writer... so immediate children for everyone and disneyland aren't really in the picture... although I do write happy endings. So the rest you're going to have to take on faith...

If you have an idea or suggestion, don't hesitate to leave a comment or PM me. Unlike AFTR I do not have a defined 'end scene' for this fic yet, and it will be quite long I think. We're in this together!

xxx

Owen looked up from his work at Lexie. He blinked with confusion. "Uh...You want to talk about Cristina?" How odd. Why? Was this about Mark?.

Lexie swayed awkardly, her arms crossed over her chest. "Well... She left to pursue her career and... well, did-did you want her to stay? I mean, I know you were already divorced and stuff and... there's that whole kid thing... but you loved her didn't you?"

"Yes." He said without hesitation. He still loved her. He would always love her. Fiercely. But did all love lead to happiness? Was her love enough for him? In the end, he supposed it wasn't. And he knew Cristina regretted it too, that she couldn't give him more.

"Owen?"

"It would be a mistake to make her stay," he said.

"You let her go." Lexie said softly.

He drew in a breath. "I think we both let each other go... it was for the best." They both knew in the end... even though their love for each other was raw and fierce and passionate... It wasn't enough to make them happy.

"Is this about Mark?" he asked. "You're leaving without him."

"I love him," Lexie said. "But he- I'm just so confused... and angry and now I'm going to be two-thousand-seven-hundred and forty-one miles away from him. I told him I needed space- but that's a lot of space." She swallowed. "A lot of space."

"Look, Lexie... Cristina and I... on a fundamental level, would never be happy in the long term. We wanted different things. But you and Mark," he gestured with his hands, "Have _potential._ "

"But what do I do?"

"If Mark loves you the way I think he does... He won't let you go that easily."

xxx

"Call it, Wilson," Jackson said as he put the paddles back on the crash cart.

Jo stared at the rough, burned body in front of her. She swallowed back a choking sob, "Time of death...three fifty-three pm."

The nurse notated the chart as Jo removed her gloves and trauma gown. She slowly backed out of the room and sighed heavily. This shouldn't affect her so much... but the woman was a foster mom, and it just brought back harsh memories of herself in foster care. She wouldn't cry though, she was nearly a third-year resident, and they already knew the woman's chances for survival was slim to begin with. It was just... sucky.

"Hey," Jackson said, "You okay?"

"Yeah.. fine." Jo replied.

"Kay," he said. "I have to go... make some calls. Why don't you take a break?"

She didn't say anything. She just wanted to find Alex. She really needed him. She found his familiar form on a gurney in the basement. Just as she was about to alert him to her presence, he looked up, as if he already knew her. His gaze softened, and he put his papers down.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey." Alex quirked the corner of his mouth in his usual cock-sure grin. Well, half at least.

She approached the gurney and sidled up next to him, laying her head on his broad shoulder. He sighed, wrapped his arm around her and pulled her in closer, so her head fell against his chest and she could hear his heartbeat. "The foster mom died," she said.

"Crap." He muttered. She felt him deflate, and imagined him lost in thought.

"Jo?" he said.

"Yeah?"

"You really wanna get our own place?"

"I just-" she sighed, "Alex, you're all I have okay? You. That's it. If we break up, or if something happens-" she was cut off by his lips touching hers in a tight, powerful kiss that rattled her bones. "Mmm," she moaned. After a second, they pulled back, gasping.

"I may be all you have Jo, but you..." he pecked her on the cheek, "are all I _want_."

xxx

Meredith hesitantly took a step into the semiprivate peds room. Anna was tiny, but seemed relatively healthy. A bandage covered her right arm and a small birthmark poked out from the edge of it.

"Are you a docker?" Anna asked, still coloring intently with a red crayon.

"Yes, I'm a doctor." Meredith smiled a little. She stepped in a little closer, hugging herself. "But you can call me Meredith."

"Mere-diff," Anna said, trying to pronounce it correctly.

"That's right, that's my name." She didn't bother trying to correct her pronunciation. Meredith sucked in her nervousness. Kids could pick up nervous vibes instantly, and she wanted Anna to trust her.

"That's a silly name," Anna said, finally looking up from her coloring. She had such delicate features.

"Well so is Anna Banana, I think." Meredith said, sitting on the edge of the bed. She pulled up her right leg and brought it close to her chest, watching Anna curiously.

"Anna Banana is not my real name, it's my _nickname_." Anna snorted.

Typical know it all four year-olds. Meredith thought. She'd done her fair share of babysitting as A teenager. "Oh. So what do I call you?"

"Just Anna."

"Okay, 'Just Anna...' " Meredith teased.

"Nooo!" Anna whined, "That's not my name!"

"But you said-" Meredith started, but Anna leaned over and put a finger on Meredith's lips.

"Shhhh," she said, effectively ending the argument. "Lets pay docker."

Meredith raised an eyebrow. "If we play doctor, do you think you'll eat something?"

Anna shrugged, she picked up her crayon and a piece of construction paper from the bedside table. She regarded Meredith with a serious expression. "Okay Merediff, I'm docker Anna. What are your simmons?"

"Uhh..." Meredith stammered. Simmons?

"Say your tummy hurts," Anna whispered in her ear.

Oh... she meant symptoms! Meredith rolled her eyes. "My tummy hurts." She rubbed her belly to empahsize the point.

Anna pressed Meredith's abdomen before picking up her paper and crayon. "Hmm," she said. She scribbled indecipherable characters on the paper. "Any other simmons?"

"Uh... My head hurts."

Anna eyed Meredith curiously before she reached into Meredith's labcoat pocket and pulled out her stethoscope.

"Hey! That's mine!" She reached for it, grabbing the diaphragm.

Anna grinned, a mischievous glimmer reaching her eyes. "But I'm a docker," she said, holding on to the other end.

"You need to ask if you can use another person's things. Especially a stethoscope."

"Sorry," Anna said. "Can I use your steffascope, Merediff?"

Meredith sighed loudly. "I suppose."

"Okay. You hafta take off your shirt."

"What?" Meredith couldn't help the surprise in her voice. Where did she learn that?

"I hafta listen to the inside, you hafta take off your shirt," Anna said. Her small form moved closer to Meredith now, so Meredith pulled herself fully onto the bed so Anna could straddle her.

"How about I just lift it up?"

"Okay." Anna put the nubs of the stethascope in her ears and held out the diaphragm. She climbed over Meredith, to straddle her on the bed.

Anna scribbled on the paper for a minute, then put the crayon down and picked up the stethascope. "Hmmm," she said. she pushed Meredith's scrubtop up and put the diaphragm on her stomach. she squinted as she listened.

Meredith allowed herself a smile, it was so cute.

"You have a cut," Anna remarked, forcing Meredith to look down at her abdomen. Her C-section scar. She'd forgotten about it.

"Did you have a baby?" Anna asked.

The question knocked the breath out of her, and she stared at the girl in shock. How did she know that stuff? She was four, far too young to know about C-sections.

"Um.." _Yes,_ she thought. Instead she said, "No, it's just a cut."

"Oh." Anna's attention lifted off her belly as she raised the stethascope to Meredith's head, She pushed her blonde bangs away and her fingers felt along her hairline as she pressed the stethascope against her forehead. "You gots a cut here too."

"Yeah." Meredith replied. She closed her eyes and swallowed thickly.

"Somebody hurted you?"

"I was in an accident a long time ago," she said, hoping the girl would just leave it at that.

"Oh." Anna sighed sadly. Her earlier curious nature had subsided and she picked at the bedsheets.

"What's wrong?" Meredith reached for Anna's unbandaged arm, touching her softly.

"My mommy died in a ax-uh-dunt."

"Oh." Her chest heaved a little and she pushed back the tears that pricked behind her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Anna shrugged. She picked up her crayon again and scribbled on the paper. "You have a 'fection," she said. "You need medicines."

"Okay."

Anna handed her the piece of paper. "This paper says you hafta go get medicines."

Merdith looked at the scribbled sheet and folded it very carefully. An idea formed in her head as to how to get the girl to eat. "It says here that I need to take food here with the medicines. You should come with me. You're my docker."

It seemed to make sense to the girl, who easily acquiesed, "Okay."

They made their way to the cafeteria where Meredith selected some kid friendly items. A chicken sandwich for herself, pudding, a granola bar and fries. She also picked up coffee and a juicebox.

"Want some fries?" she offered, chewing on her sandwich. She didn't realize how hungry she actually was.

Anna remained intent on fiddling with Meredith's stethascope.

"You must be hungry," Meredith continued, "Dr. Alex said you haven't eaten all day."

Anna shook her head and looked down. The earlier chatty girl was gone, hidden behind a mask of solemn reflection.

"What's wrong? Why won't you eat?" Concern grew in her for Anna. This clearly this wasn't an appetite thing. She was distressed. "Is it about the fire? Did it scare you?"

Anna nodded a little.

Meredith thought for awhile, putting herself in Anna's four year-old shoes. She took another bite of the sandwich and sipped her coffee before she spoke again. "It wasn't your fault, the fire."

"She was makin me brefast," Anna said. She shifted from her slouch into a curled up ball and started to tear up.

Nurturing instinct forced Meredith from her seat and she pulled Anna in close. "I know... it wasn't your fault. She made you breakfast because she cared for you. The stove- it was an accident. Nothing you said or did made it happen."

"I didn't want brefast!" Anna cried, turning her head into Meredith's chest. Meredith clutched the tiny body closer to her and gently patted and shushed. She wanted to say it was okay... that everything would be okay, but she felt that that was too big of a promise to make to such a broken heart.

When Anna's muffled sobs settled, Meredith pulled her away from her chest a little. She picked up her stethascope and put on a very serious face. "Anna Banana," she said. "You have some very serious symptoms."

Anna's expression changed to surprise as she snuffled and wiped her eyes. She looked at Meredith with a huh? written on her features.

"Spontaneous tear leakage." Meredith reached for a napkin. "Excess snot production," she wiped the girls eyes and nose. "Hot red face," she cupped the girl's face in her palms, and gave her a thorough once-over. "Treatment? Hmmm." She reached into her labcoat pocket, pulled out a post-it pad and scribbled on it. "Your Medicines is... your favorite food!" Meredith pulled the sticky off with a flourish.

Anna held the paper carefully. "I can't read dis."

Meredith shook her head, "Sorry, my penmanship is horrible. What's your favorite food, Anna?"

The girl sighed and rubbed her thighs, thinking. "Poptarts," she said finally.

"Poptarts huh?" Meredith's eyebrows shot up. The cafeteria didn't have any poptarts... but she knew who might, and luckily that person was in the cafeteria right now.

Meredith released a heavy breath. April Kepner had been watching her curiously for the last fifteen minutes as she took care of Anna. "I'll go get you your poptarts, can you watch my stethascope for me?" she asked, picking up the post-it.

Anna nodded seriously, still sniffling a little. Meredith walked over to April's table, pinching her fingers nervously. April looked up at her in surprise. "Um..." Meredith started. She knew she had to apologize.

"It's okay," April said quickly, turning back to her food.

"No.. it's not." Meredith sat down at the table. "I'm... going through a thing or whatever..." It wasn't time for her to get into details about what happened this morning, even if she wanted to share it with her.

"It's okay Meredith, I get it I shouldn't have-"

"April." Meredith said curtly. "I'm sorry. I totally stomped on your moment, and I'm sorry. I _am_ happy for you... it's just at that time, I was going through a thing and you were all bright and shiny and rainbows and ponies- and I couldn't be that for you."

"Oh," April said. "Well I'm sorry too. You warned me and I should've listened."

Meredith did warn her... several times, but she accepted April's apology. "Okay."

"Okay."

"So... um, I have to fill a prescription," she put the sticky in front of April.

"Huh?"

"Poptarts... you have some?" she asked. "I know you pack them, Noah eats them all the time."

"Poptarts?" April looked terribly confused, like where did Meredith go- and who is this?

Meredith nodded toward Anna. "It's for her... she won't eat, but I prescribed her Poptarts. She needs to eat something."

"Oh, sure..." April dug into her huge lunch bag. "Um, I have rasberry or wildlicious?"

Meredith picked wildlicious and thanked April. She checked her watch, her hour was almost up, maybe they could eat in bed?

She went back to her table and grabbed the pudding cup and the granola bar tucking them into her pocket for later. "C'mon Anna, what do you think of Poptarts in bed?"

"M'okay." The girl said. She looked so tired.

Despite her aching bones, Meredith scooped her up and carried her out of the cafeteria.

xxx

Meredith handed Anna the poptart as she settled beside the girl in bed. She sighed, and struggled to suppress a yawn. What a day. Alex would be by soon, and she could get her pager and phone back. She felt so disconnected without them.

She looked down at Anna, the girl chewed thoughtfully on her cold poptart. It was so sad. The situation was so stupid. This poor girl would be bounced around again, another statistic because of a messed up system. Because why? Nobody wanted her? What about Anna could you not want? She was so small and soft, and vulnerable. And so freakin smart too. She laughed to herself. Simmons? Really?

A crinkling noise interrupted her thoughts. Anna had finished her last poptart and wiped her mouth. She curled under Meredith's arm and rested against her. Her tiny bandaged arm covered Meredith's stomach.

Meredith sighed deeply. Where was Alex? He better get here soon, she had a job to do. Meredith blinked heavily, she was so tired. . she couldn't move now. Anna was starting to doze. God, what a freakin long day. She blinked and sighed into Anna's hair. It felt good. Was this what Alex was talking about? She didn't get a chance to think about it because her eyes closed again and... she... just... couldn't keep... them... open.

 **A/N:** I loved writing this part! Please review! Poll is still open regarding Zola, see previous chapter for details. Also I have completed **Growing Pains.**

Thanks!


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N:** Wow! Thanks everyone for your wonderful reviews! Anna is adorable isn't she? Thanks for Everyone's comments, fav's and follows. I realize Mer's story is a little bigger than everyone elses at this point, but we will be digging in to each pairing, and other stuff along the way. Keep in mind that it's taken 14 chapters to cover 2 days... so... I have a feeling that this will be a looong story. Please Enjoy!

I have closed the poll and made my decision regarding Zola. We shall see how it plays out.

 **Also, I am looking for someone to help me with images to post as covers for my three active stories. I'm completely clueless about where to find and or make them. I have some ideas for what I want... So if anyone wants to help me out with that, that would be awesome! you can PM me. In return, maybe I can send you some previews of upcoming chapters or write a quick one shot of an idea you have.**

 **Anyway Enjoy!**

Stephanie Edwards was on a mission. Find Medusa, aka Dr. Grey. Their patient had woken up, and while Dr. Hunt had given Grey an hour long break, it had now been another hour and she hadn't answered her pages. Stephanie looked everywhere she could think of, on-call rooms, the attending lounge, cafeteria, conference room. She even checked the parking lot to see if Grey had left, but her car was there, parked in its usual spot.

Normally she would've taken this opportunity to be a little proactive, and she would've just handled the patient herself, as it wasn't critical. But there'd been a lot going on in that OR and Edwards would rather be yelled at for bothering Medusa than yelled at for missing something in regards to his care.

So here she was, strolling the tunnels, hoping maybe she'd find her cantankerous attending here. Instead, she found Jo perched on a gurney, charting on a tablet. "Jo!" she called, "Have you seen Grey?"

"Meredith?" Jo asked, wrinkling her nose.

"Yeah."

"Probably in my bed," she muttered.

Stephanie was confused. "What?"

Jo jerked her head up, "Oh, sorry, um... Alex had her babysitting the house fire girl. Maybe she's in Ped's?"

"Okay," Stephanie said. She was about to take off when she stopped and turned to her friend, "What do you mean, 'in your bed? Medusa was in your bed?'

Jo rolled her eyes. "Alex and I had sex last night. Amazing, great, perfect sex. I totally jumped his bones. Next thing I know, she's in our room, I'm half naked, and it's like 'move over Wilson- my turn."

"Oh my God." Stephanie remarked. "She didn't- they didn't- you know..."

"No, they just talked, for _hours,_ " Jo huffed. "My neck still hurts from sleeping on the couch. Thank God Lexie didn't stay last night."

"So did you talk to him?" Stephanie asked, hungry for the drama.

Jo sighed. "A little bit, then he got paged for a trauma or something." She checked her watch. "Look, I'm off shift now, so I'll help you find Grey. I think I know where she is."

"Good, I already got yelled at, I don't want it happening again."

"Do you know of any good apartments or condos around here?" Jo asked as they stepped into the elevator.

Stephanie followed and waited as Jo checked the patient list for house-fire girl Anna. "Over here," Jo said, leading her to a small semi-private room. Anna was listed as the only patient.

Stephanie stepped forward, slid the curtain aside and gasped at the sight she saw. Her illusion of 'Medusa' was now shattered.

Meredith Grey lay curled on the bed asleep. Her right hand was delicately tucked under her chin and her left arm protectively placed over four year-old Anna's waist as the girl also rested, facing her. Anna's small body seemed to fit perfectly against Meredith, one tiny hand resting on her solar plexus, the other on top of the woman's outstretched arm.

In the years that Stephanie had known Dr. Grey, she'd never seen her look so relaxed and at peace before.

Jo poked her head in beside her, "What? What is it?" she asked.

"Shhh!" she said. Now she didn't know what to do. She didn't want to wake her.

"Oh." Jo whispered, covering her mouth. "Oh my..."

xxx

 _It was a bright blue sky day, warm and slightly humid. The smell of fresh cut grass lingered in the air, and Meredith was pushing a swing._

 _Higher! Go higher! Anna cried, leaning back as she attempted to pump. Her dark curly-wavy hair flew behind her as was pushed through the air._

 _We're about as high as we can go, Meredith laughed. Can your toes touch the sky?_

 _My toes are touching the sky! Look, they're touching the cowds! Anna called out, looking over her shoulder and gracing Meredith with her infectious smile._

 _The swing brought the girl back to her and Meredith felt Anna's warm back push against her palm as she absorbed the small weight against her._

 _Higher, Mommy. Higher!_

"...diff. Merediff... up." A child's voice spoke in her ear. Meredith struggled to open her eyelids. Her body felt so heavy and stiff, and she couldn't will her limbs to move. Instead she sighed loudly.

"Dr. Grey," another familiar voice.

"Muh," she managed. She moved to rub her eyes but her arm didn't quite co-operate with her brain's commands and she practically hit herself in the forehead instead. Something wiggled beside her.

"You so sweepy, Merediff."

Meredith sighed again, consciousness was returning in increments as she sucked in more oxygen. What was the warm wiggly thing beside her? She rubbed her eyes, blinked. Two grey-green eyes stared back at her, and small fingers touched her face. _Anna._ Meredith thought.

"An' you snore," the girl continued.

"Do not." Meredith rasped, still not quite awake. She pulled Anna's hands away from her face and gazed sleepily at the little scamp that woke her up.

"Do too. You're loud!"

Meredith licked her lips and swallowed. The pillow was wet under her cheek. Did she drool too?

"Um...Dr Grey? "

"Mer, you gotta get up."

Meredith looked to see Alex and Edwards staring at her. Alex had a huge smile on his face though, while Edwards looked nervous.

Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, Meredith sat up. Sleepiness still hovered over her, but she felt strangely... light. "How long was I out?" she asked Alex as he handed back her cellphone and pager.

"Uh..." He looked at his watch, "an hour and a half."

She'd been asleep for an hour and a half? Crap! "Edwards, our patient?"

"He's stable, but you should look over his labs... and Dr. Hunt wanted to talk to you about him."

"Oh," Meredith said. She stood up and picked up her labcoat, becoming Dr. Grey again. "Edwards, get back to the patient and I'll be there in a couple minutes."

Her resident stood there for a moment with a deer in the headlights look, then she blinked. "Of course," she said, bowing out of the room.

"Are you weaving?" Anna asked, crawling back to the middle of the bed.

Meredith felt an unusual lump in her throat. She sat back down on the end of the bed. "Yeah... I'm going to help a patient."

"Oh." Anna said.

"Dr. Alex is going to help you, and then a nice lady is going to help you find a new home."

"But I like it here." Anna said. "I like you, and Docker Alex."

"I know..." Meredith didn't know what else to say. Her hands pressed against her knees, and she rubbed her thighs. She placed one hand on top of Anna's. "You're a sweet girl, and a very good doctor. One day, a family is going to find you and take you home, and you won't ever have to move again. Just keep thinking about that okay?"

Anna sighed. "Okay," she said.

"Okay," said Meredith, giving Anna a hug and a quick kiss on the forehead. She caressed her face. "You made me have a good dream. Behave now."

Anna leaned into her for a moment and just sighed.

Meredith stuck her hands into her labcoat pockets. She gasped when she realized that she still had the pudding and granola bar from before. "Here, make sure you eat these," she said, placing them on the table.

Anna nodded. She pulled herself up to her knees and reached for her coloring book. She flipped inside and ripped out a picture she'd colored. "Dis for you, Docker Merediff."

"Oh, thank you." Meredith hugged her again, then stopped. It was too much. She shouldn't get too attached. "I have to go." She folded the picture and tucked it into a pocket.

"Bye Docker Merediff."

"Bye, Anna." Meredith said slowly, but her body turned her on her heels as she was unable to allow herself to prolong the moment any longer.

"Mer," Alex called after her.

"I got her to eat," Meredith kept walking. "Though you might want to talk to social services about getting her some counselling."

"Mer-" He started again, "It helped, right?"

She turned back toward her friend who was trying to help. In the left hand pocket of her white coat, she felt the rough paper of the picture Anna had given her. "I..." She didn't know. She was on a rollercoaster of emotions today and she wanted to get off.

Mildly hopeful before the OB appointment, thinking _maybe._ Then her heart had been broken when that illusion had been crushed. Jealous and bitter toward April, because life just wasn't _fair_ and the universe liked to play dirty pool. Because of that she'd morphed into a fire breathing dragon and burned Maggie, the new Head of Cardio, eliminating any chance of potential friendship.

Then, a four year-old tiny human with _nobody_ examined her scars and prescribed 'Medicines.' They had comforted each other. She fell asleep, and dreamed... she couldn't quite remember what the dream was but it was _good._ The best dream she'd had since before Derek died. She'd slept. The best hour and a half of sleep she'd _ever_ had, only to be poked awake to stare into the most remarkable eyes, so fresh and innocent.

Now she had to leave. Anna wasn't hers. Anna was a patient who was going to be discharged any minute now and...

She wanted her heart to stop breaking. She needed a minute to just breathe, and think, and evaluate. But by the looks of it, it wasn't going to happen anytime today.

"I have to go, Alex," she said as she stepped into the elevator.

xxx

Arizona was double checking charts, making sure that Alex wasn't too overloaded. She felt that maybe she dumped too much on him. Just then there was a knock on the door.

"Come in..." She said smiling, thinking it was Callie.

But it wasn't. It was Dr. Herman. "Oh," Arizona said, her mouth stuck in the 'O' shape. "Dr. Herman..."

"Your paperwork is in order, Dr. Robbins," The tall, older doctor said brusquely. "Impeccable references, compelling surgeries, you're officially my fellow."

Pride beamed through Arizona's features and she felt a slight blush. "Thank you Dr. Herman, it will be an _honour_ to work with you."

Dr. Herman gave her a grim smile. "Mm, good then. We have a lot of work to do. I hope I made the right choice."

It was then that Arizona noticed the stack of papers, magazines and books Dr. Herman was carrying. A sudden heaviness settled on her.

"Homework." Herman said, "I will be quizzing you throughout the day tomorrow and the rest of the week on various aspects of the field. I need you to be prepared. I don't like to waste time."

The huge stack landed on her desk with a thump, and Arizona gaped at the intimidating pile. "Um, wow... that's um-"

"Surgeons don't say 'Um' Robbins. If you're not up to it, you better let me know now."

Arizona looked at the pile, looked back at Herman. This was the greatest opportunity of her life, Dr. Herman was one of a handfull of neo-natal surgeons in the U.S and studying under her meant soon she would be too. She couldn't turn it down. She shook her head, "Of course, I'll get right on it," she offered her most professional smile.

"Perfect," Herman said, returning the smile. "I'll see you in the morning. Oh, and the notes in the margins? _Very_ important."

"Okay." Arizona said, her smile fading as she watched her new mentor exit. She stared at the huge pile and gulped. Well, so much for chart checking.

"Hey," A cheerful voice called.

"Callie, hey, hi!" Arizona greeted her wife.

Callie strode into the office and leaned over the pile of 'homework' on Arizona's desk. Arizona melted as she was pulled into a passionate kiss from her wife. For a few seconds she forgot the last five minutes with Hernan. For a few seconds, blood pumped in all the _right_ directions in her body and she felt wonderful. Callie wanted her, Callie still loved her.

"Um, wow," Arizona gasped as Callie pulled away, leaving her flushed, breathless and tingly. "That was... wow."

"Mmhm." Callie hummed, her dark eyes full with desire. "Mark's taking Sofia tonight. We have the whole house to ourselves..."

"Oh." Crap, thought Arizona as she looked at the pile. She had so much to do...

"And I saw pictures of Zola today," Callie continued, oblivious to Arizona's sudden apprehension. She's gorgeous."

Double crap, Arizona thought. She stood up and smoothed out her scrubs and labcoat. "Callie, I think we should talk," she said,taking her spouse's hand and leading her to the couch.

xxx

Alex tucked the pamphlet for adoption into his pocket as he signed the discharge forms for Anna. He thought maybe he'd leave them out for Mer to look at or something. The social worker, Janet, had been very kind and compassionate with Anna as they took her to her next home. Jackson had informed Janet of the foster mother's death, and between the three of them, they'd decided that that the little girl didn't need to know right now.

Alex gave Janet a prescription for burn cream and antibiotics, hugged the girl and waved goodbye.

Now he was standing at the desk, lost in thought. He was thinking about Jo, actually. And, as if by magic, she was there in front of him. How did she do that? He thought, blinking. "You're amazing," he blurted.

"What?" Jo asked, twirling a loose strand of her hair, seemingly obliviious.

"Oh... you heard me," he grinned.

"Well, after being booted out of bed last night, you have a lot to make up for."

Alex already had a plan for that though, he'd been ruminating on it since he sent Mer off to babysit. He took Jo's hand, "Come on." he said, leading her to the attendings lounge.

"What-" Jo said again, confused.

They passed Jackson and Noah, on their way out for the day, and Jackson flashed him a 'thumbs up.'

"Good to go man," Jackson said.

"Thanks," Alex pulled Jo into the lounge and closed the door. An unusual shaped object sat on the round table in the middle of the room, draped with a sheet.

"What's going on?" Jo sputtered. "Is this for me?"

Alex took both of Jo's hands and gazed deeply into her eyes. "I got somethin' to show you. But first I gotta tell you something." Because, he'd learned over the years that you have to tell people stuff, you can't just assume that they know.

Jo looked very nervous, but maybe a little hopeful too. "Yeah?" she said.

"I was thinking about what you said, about me being all you have, and..." He sighed, it was Anna who made him think about that. He'd seen that same look in Anna's eyes as he did in Jo's... Just this... wanting. Wanting, but not knowing if it was permanent. Always a little guarded, because people always come and go and it's just better if you're by yourself.

Except it wasn't. He didn't believe in that anymore. He didn't want Jo to believe that.

"I love you Jo. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here, in this with you, okay? The long haul. For as long as you are. You don't have to be scared that you're gonna lose me. Don't be."

Jo swallowed, and Alex saw a sheen on her light amber eyes. "Yeah?" she asked again. He must've made her speechless.

"And, to prove it..." He pulled the sheet off the object on the table revealing a multi-colored lego and cardboard-construction paper house. Complete with lego pirate people and space men, two hot wheel cars in a makeshift garage, and several awkward cut-outs of trees, flowers and sky.

Jo covered her mouth with her hand, "Umm, that's-"

"Last minute, I know. Sophia drew the pictures, and Jackson and Noah did the lego stuff. Brooks helped too I think."

She picked up one of the lego men. "Alex- this is-"

He shrugged, turning up his nonchalant charm. "So, you wanna buy a house with me?"

 **A/N:** Don't worry, you haven't seen the last of Anna. Calzona and Omelia fans, Bigger stuff is in the works for them, please be patient! Please review!


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N:** Thanks everyone for all your support. Someone pointed out I spelled Dr. Herman's name wrong, Oops! I always thought it was Hernan for some reason, Anyway, it's fixed.

 **Enjoy!**

Richard was impressed. Incredibly impressed. He'd just watched his daughter perform a rare, complicated, and extremely difficult procedure on an otherwise lost cause. Maggie Pierce was his daughter. Ellis Grey's daughter. He had to tell her, she deserved to know and life was short. He swallowed and thumped down the stairs from the gallery to the surgical floor. Donning his scrubcap and removing his labcoat he entered the area just in time to see her exit the OR.

"Dr. Pierce..." he called.

Maggie stopped and turned to him. "Dr. Webber?"

He walked closer, apprehensive. "Um, I need to talk to you-"

"Richard!" Amelia said cheerfully as she burst through the door Maggie just exited. Standing in between them, she looked at Richard, then at Maggie, then back at Richard.

Richard glared at her to go away. She gave him a knowing look, "Well- I'll just- you know, update the family..." and she walked away, a giant grin on her face. He rolled his eyes.

"In here?" he asked, pointing to the now empty scrub room.

"Um, okay?" Maggie said, suddenly looking very worried.

He followed her in and waited as she turned around to face him, arms crossed.

"I don't really know how to say this..." He started.

"You know, I don't think-" Maggie interjected.

"I think I'm your father." Richard finished.

Maggie sputtered. Confusion and shock drew itself on her features... "You- you're my father?"

"I'm fairly certain, yes." One arm propped him up as he leaned on the stainless steel sink.

Maggie blinked, turned away for a second, turned back, "You and Ellis-"

"Yes," he nodded.

"You're my dad."

"Yes."

"Oh my God, you're my dad!" Maggie said, covering her mouth in surprise.

xxx

Amelia had just finished giving her patient's family good news, and was now on her way through the halls to find a spot to update her charting for the day. Meredith had just got off the elevator and was walking toward her in a daze. Well not walking toward her exactly, but walking in her direction. She swallowed. She wasn't exactly sure what Meredith thought of her, although she'd been the one to reccomend her to come to Seattle. Amelia knew she may have messed things up after sleeping with Mark, so she stopped and hesitated as Meredith approached.

Meredith was barely looking at her however. Her gaze was fixed ahead, and she moved stiffly.

Amelia risked it. Deftly, she touched Meredith's forearm as she passed.

It was enough to make the woman stop and look up in confusion. "Amelia," she said softly.

"Hey," she replied. _I'm here, s_ he wanted to convey.

Meredith's gaze revealed a storm of mixed emotions, and Amelia could only guess at the wringer she'd been through this last week. Her sort of sister in law blinked and nodded slightly, _I know, s_ he seemed to be saying, and Amelia was relieved that Meredith didn't seem angry at her.

She let go of her arm and looked back at her chart, clearing her throat awkwardly.

"Um..." Meredith said, "Lexie's not on my couch anymore so... you can move in. The house is clean anyway..." she continued as she walked away.

"Oh... Okay." Amelia said, and the tension between them was immediately abated. "Thanks," she called over her shoulder.

xxx

Meredith met Owen outside ICU room four. The lost guy in the woods. Through the glass, Edwards was checking his incisions and monitoring his vitals.

"How is he?" she asked, feeling bad that she'd left him this long, but not feeling like she should apologize for the best two-and a half hours she'd had since... since she'd found out she was pregnant.

"Well, he's not worse," Owen said, "but he's not better. I talked to him, we called the police about his family and they're looking but-"

"But what?" Meredith asked, looking up from his chart.

"I think you should talk to him. He's giving up, and we need him to hold on just a little longer."

"And you want _me_ to talk to him."

"Yes," Owen said, nodding. "You know what it's like-"

"I know what it's like," she repeated. "I won't be able to help him, I'll probably agree with everything he says. Call psych." She shoved the tablet back at Owen. She hated this, she felt like she was being used. _Screw you,_ she thought angrily. Meredith shook her head and turned around.

"But you're here now." Owen said, "Four years later, you're here. Alive. Operating. Saving lives, making a difference. Somehow you made it to this moment. I don't know how you did it, but... he just needs a little more time, Meredith."

He needed more than a little more time.

 _Four years ago:_

 _Meredith retched violently into the bedpan for the third time. The world spun around like an obnoxious tilt-a-whirl. Drugs and tequila... not a good mix. It wasn't like she overdosed, she'd taken her medication as prescribed, but five shots of tequila with even those small amounts of painkillers was bad news._

 _Doctor Meredith knew that she was unbelievabley lucky her breathing hadn't stopped, or that she hadn't fallen from the dizziness and split her head open on her mother's kitchen table earlier._

 _But Dark and Twisty Meredith was rejecting all notions of luck and wanted to go back to the moment where, just for a second, for a second- nothing hurt, and she'd started to forget the pain of loss as she contemplated bleeding out and joining Derek in the afterlife._

 _Moments, Ghost Denny had told her, that's all you get. Moments with your loved one. She wondered if that's what Derek was getting. Just moments. She didn't get moments in reality. She got nothing._

 _She wanted forever._

 _She made it through seven months with two thoughts in mind- one- a piece of Derek lived in her and she would give birth to it and hold it and love it more deeply then she'd ever loved anything else, and... that gorgeous little girl would love her back the same way._

 _But there was nothing left. She was empty. So empty._

 _Enraged, Meredith threw the bedpan against the door of her room, watching the milky bile splatter on the window. She clutched herself and curled into a painful ball, sobbing._

 _At some point, a shadow passed over the window in her room. Her particular room wasn't really that private, she was under observation, so a large window filled one wall, and directly on the other side was a nurse's station._

 _She was expecting a cleaner, or a nurse, but when the door opened, Richard Webber stood there deeply troubled. He side-stepped the bedpan, ignoring it completely as he approached the bed. Meredith rolled to the other side, not able to face him._

 _She heard the scrape of wood chair legs on lineoleum and Richard's despairing sigh as he sat down._

" _I can have the nurses bring you some Tylenol, for the pain," he said._

 _Meredith plucked at a loose thread on her pillow and ignored Richard._ _Her pelvis was aching, still healing from being screwed together. Her insides, mostly healed, still throbbed from the needle and thread work that held the soft tissues of her lung and her uterus together, among other things. Her chest burned from the pressure of the tension pneumothorax her broken ribs had caused, epecially now that she'd vomited._

 _She didn't want **tylenol.** She wanted something that would relieve the constant aching pain in her broken heart._

" _Meredith, look at me, please."_

 _She wouldn't._

" _Dammit! I am not watching you die again!" He grabbed her, physically turning her in the bed to face him. She squirmed and cried, pushing at his strong arms, bucking in the bed. But he was too strong._

 _She closed her eyes, refusing to look at him even as he held her._

" _Meredith, three weeks ago I convinced Cristina to sign papers for removal of life support. I convinced her to let you go. Essentially, I convinced your best friend to kill you."_

 _Her eyes opened and she shook her head slowly in denial._

 _"You'd been non-responsive for twenty-one days, all your levels were deteriorating._ _You were dying, slowly by degrees, and I couldn't stand to see you suffer. We started to disconnect all the leads, all your IV's. You were intubated. I removed your intubation tube... and we waited. We all watched and waited." Richard swallowed and shook his head slowly. Despite how much we loved you, this was much worse. So we were willing to let you go, where obviously you seemed to want to go."_

 _Meredith lay there, completely disbelieving what Richard said. She hadn't been that far gone had she?_

" _You started to breathe on your own. I tried to convince myself it was a fluke. A reflex. But as you kept gasping, it was clear you decided to fight."_

 _She sighed. She didn't remember that part. She remembered a strange dream with her mom and George, and Derek... and something he said that at the time made so much sense. She wasn't finished. She had to come back for the baby._

 _Now there was no baby._

" _You fought." Richard continued, and she saw fear in his eyes as he relieved the memory. "Just like you did when you fell in the water. You fought."_

 _So now what? In her distorted mind, there was nothing for her to fight for so..._

" _You just gonna lay here and fade away? Is that it?"_

 _No... maybe... Meredith pounded angrily on the mattress. Everything was just so hard. And everything hurt. So much._

" _Your mother would call you a quitter." Richard said, the corners of his mouth twitching, like he didn't want to release those words. "She'd call you a damn fool. A waste of money and time and resources. A waste of talent," he bit at her._

 _Meredith frowned. How dare he play the Ellis card! Ellis quit. She was the fool! She quit on Richard! "Shut up about my mother," she growled._

" _At least **she** lived." Richard snapped. "At least Ellis understood the value of **life.** Of living. A least she lived long enough to change the world. What about you? What've you done? Spent all that time, learning from the best, learning from me, from Bailey, from Derek Shepherd. Now you're just gonna give up on all of that. On all of us?"_

" _It hurts!" She cried. Just let me die... she pleaded with her eyes. She had nothing. There was nothing._

" _I know!" Richard bellowed. "And it's **my** fault!"_

" _Wh-what?"_

" _It should've been me on that table in the OR! It should've been me!" Richard bolted out of the chair, knocking it over in the process._

 _His thunderous roar stopped her hopeless thoughts. She blinked, stared at him with upset. How was this his fault?_

" _Derek gave me chance after chance to fix it... he offered to help, and I was too self absorbed and prideful to let him. So I got his weight on my shoulders, and I got you now too. And you know what? If you give up now... It would be a slap in Derek's face. Everything he did for you... All the love he gave you, all he taught you. A waste!... You don't get to waste the rest of your husband's life being a quitter! You don't!"_

 _He paused huffing, obviously pained that he had shouted at such a vulnerable woman. He met her stricken gaze for a second before he left her sobbing on the bed as he slammed the door behind him._

"Meredith?" Owen's voice interrupted her memory.

She looked throught the window at the man whose life was balanced precariously on a metaphorical cliff, her hand absently fell on her stomach. She remembered the feeling of Anna's hands on her stomach, on her face. Hope wasn't lost... it was just- misplaced. She wasn't finished.

"I'll try," she said to Owen. "I don't know if it'll work, but... I'll try."

Owen sighed with relief and stepped aside to let her in the room.

xxx

"Arizona?" Callie asked as she was pulled to the couch of the tiny office they occupied. There was something troubling Arizona. "What's going on... what's wrong?"

Arizona looked away for a moment, and flicked her blonde hair out of her eyes. She pursed her lips, thinking, "Hmm," she hummed.

Callie had the distinct feeling that she wasn't going to like this conversation. "Arizona?" she asked again, not able to keep the tiny edge of panic out of her voice.

"I'm sorry Callie, Dr. Herman just dumped a huge pile of work on me and I _can't_ disappoint her. I have to study." She nodded to the pile on the desk.

"Oh," Callie said, following Arizona's gaze to the pile. "Oh that?" she scoffed. "That's nothing-"

"Nothing?" Arizona interrupted, her eyebrows shot up to the sky. "Callie, Herman is expecting me to know everything in those dammed books. She's going to be quizzing me. She is only the second female fetal surgeon in North America and-" she sighed, exasperated. "It's not nothing, Callie, it's everything!"

Callie stood up and flipped through some of the magazines, noting the highlighting and all the notes in the margins. She looked at Arizona, who seemed truly upset and agitated. "Arizona, you're right, it's not nothing. But it's not everything either. You can do this. _We_ can do this."

"We?" her wife asked. "But you don't know anything about fetal surgery."

Callie shrugged. "Nope, I don't. But I don't have to. I practically taught myself ortho. _I_ am the master at studying. Herman's done half the work already, she's highlighted the most important parts. _We_ can do this."

"Really?" Arizona asked, standing up from the couch.

"Really." Callie said.

Arizona leaned in to her until she could smell the faint whiff of her conditioner. She kissed Callie softly and sighed. "Okay. You. Are right." She picked up the pile of papers and books. "C'mon, we better get started. Maybe we should order in then?" she asked as she pulled ahead, her stride still perfect and sexy as it had been before the prosthetic.

But as Callie watched her wife a few feet ahead of her, she couldn't help but wonder if maybe there was something she was holding back.

xxx

"I'm a butterfly Papi!" Sofia said as she stood on the couch, a blanket outstretched behind her. She jumped down and ran around the house making flapping noises as she went.

"You're a butterfly?" Mark asked incredulously. Just a few minutes ago she'd been a bunny. "I thought you were a bunny."

"I didn't wanna be a bunny no more," Sofia replied.

Of course, why didn't he know that before? "Why not?" he asked as he reached into the fridge for wieners to make hot dogs. Water was already boiling for the macaroni, dinner would be ready soon.

"Cause bunnies can't fly!" Sofia said from his bedroom. He imagined she was jumping on his bed.

Mark smirked. "Sure bunnies can fly." He called back.

Sofia's boisterous laughter filled his heart. "Bunnies can't fly Papi!"

Just then, the door opened and Lexie walked in.

"Lex." he greeted, trying not to sound too excited. He did smile though, he couldn't not smile.

"Mark," Lexie said, and she smiled a little. "Um, I came to pack..."

"Oh," he said. Of course, she still was going to D.C. "You wanna have dinner too?" he asked as he ripped the bag of weiners open and dumped them into another pot of boiling water.

"Oh, sure!" Lexie said, a little too quickly.

"Wexie! Wexie!" Sofia called, now realizing her favorite aunt was home. There was the thunder-patter of little feet as she ran down the hall back into the living room.

"Hello Sof! Oh, I love your hair! What's the blanket for?"

"I a butterfly!"

Mark smiled and turned his attention back to the stove, stirring the macaroni. He hadn't told Lexie yet. He actually didn't plan on it. He was going to surprise her in D.C. That's why Sofia was with him tonight. He was going to miss her over the next month or so. But he fully intended on wooing Lexie back. He sighed. He missed his best friend, this was Derek's thing, the wooing.

 **A/N:** Thanks! Please review! Also, if you want a little pick me up and miss some Derek wooing, I strongly recommend my Fic **Ferryboats and Scrubcaps –** how Derek became McDreamy. I'm a little disappointed it hasn't gotten much of a reception it's really quite cute and funny, so...

 **Also if anyone can help me with pictures to upload for my fics that would be cool too!**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N:** Thanks again, my wonderful fans! Enjoy!

The faucet in the Scrub room dripped down the seconds as Maggie contemplated if she should hug Richard Webber or... what? So she just stood there, gaping at him, _her father_ and the moment surreally spun around her.

She had come to find a sister. Now she had a father. "I just- wow... you? How?" What was the story there?

Richard rubbed his goatee, his gaze deepening as he reflected. Finally he sighed and turned to look through the window at the OR in front of them. "Ellis was married," he said. "To Thatcher. Meredith's father. I was _married."_ He shook his head and smiled a little... "But Ellis? She was...my soulmate. I knew it when I met her. She was fiery and passionate and fearless. There weren't many female surgeons. There weren't many black surgeons... so we just _fit._ One thing led to another... and we ended up together. Except we were still married.

"She left Thatcher, and I was going to leave Adele, but..." He sighed. "I chickened out. She was gone a few days later. I didn't even get to talk to her. I didn't know, Maggie. If I'd known... I would've liked to have been a father, I would've liked to have been _your_ father. But I broke her heart, and she ended up raising Meredith alone in Boston."

Maggie sighed, nodding. But she still didn't quite understand something. "Why do you think she gave me up? I mean..." But the answer was obvious wasn't it? She'd been the product of an affair. She'd be a constant reminder of Ellis Grey's own heartbreak.

Richard tilted his head in a fatherly gesture. "Maggie," he said, his brown eyed gaze was warm and soft. "Giving you up would've been the hardest decision she ever made, but it _was_ the right one. Your parents love you. They raised you and cared for you and loved you better than Ellis could ever offer. So don't question that for a moment. Ellis didn't _abandon_ you. She _gave_ the most precious part of herself away so you wouldn't suffer."

How did he do that? Just say the most perfect thing to make her feel... so welcome. "Can I? I just want to-" She stepped forward and Richard embraced her. Encased in his strong arms, Maggie felt... wonderful.

xxx

Thomas Sanderson. That was the name of the man from the woods. Meredith watched him for a moment as he lay in a half conscious stupor. Out of habit, she checked his chart again. No change, but... his condition was precarious. It could go either way, any time. But she'd be dammed if all the work she'd done on Thomas' innards was all for naught.

"Mr. Sanderson?" she called softly.

He murmured something, but kept his eyes closed.

"Mr. Sanderson..." she called again and shook his shoulder, "Thomas..."

"No... I want to sleep. Please, I just want to sleep," He said, shifting slightly in the bed as he tried to force his eyes closed.

"I know..." Meredith said.

"They come when I sleep." Thomas said, nearly crying. "Lily, and Emma. When I sleep, I can see them... they come when I'm asleep."

Meredith knew what he was talking about. She'd dreamed of Derek often after he died. Not always nightmares, sometimes they were good dreams... loving and happy dreams- but... "Thomas?"

"Can you give me something?"

 _It hurts!_

He shifted his legs restlessly under the covers, "I want to..." _Go to sleep._

Meredith sat on the far corner of the bed and stilled his right leg. He looked up at her and she saw her own tortured reflection in that gaze.. So much pain. So much blame. So much loss. Meredith schooled her features as her brain cycled through the possible responses she might have.

But ultimately it was her heart that spoke. "No." Meredith said. "I'm not giving you anything." She swallowed. By his expression, she may as well have slapped him.

"Please..." he begged.

"It's not over. You don't know what happened yet."

"They're dead... they're gone... I left them and... oh God, Lily... She's only six!"

Meredith was forced to glance up at the rapidly beeping heart monitor. It was fine, stressed, but fine. She moved closer to him and cupped his face. "Thomas, Thomas... look at me. Look. _" See my scar? See the emptiness in my eyes? Do you see it?_

Thomas sighed loudly, losing strength as she continued to cup his face, "You don't know," Meredith began... "There is a very real chance, that they might still be alive! _"_

"But I left them... I never should've left them!"

"Stop it! Stop living in the woods!" She snapped, causing the man to quiver in the thrall of another sob. Softer, she said, "You're not in the woods right now. You're in the hospital, and I just spent hours bent over your body stitching it back together. You are alive. And we don't know about your family... Thomas, maybe they're alive! And if you let yourself fall asleep, if you give up..." She looked away, sniffed and wiped a stray tear, "You won't be dreaming of them anymore. You'll be... gone." She released his head as he stared at her with such fear and grief and... "It's just... You have to hang on... because at least you have a maybe. Maybe they're alive Thomas...

"Maybe you were the one that was lost. I don't think you lost them... I think they lost you. And I think, maybe, you need to give them a chance to find you." She reached and motherly stroked the side of his face. "It's not over yet. You're not finished."

Thomas swallowed, "So... maybe?" he asked.

"Maybe," Meredith replied. Thomas had a maybe. And maybe that would be enough. She stood up and reached for the medicine cabinet. Pulling a syringe from the drawer, she filled it with a very light dose of diazepam. "This is to help you relax. It won't put you asleep, because I think you should be awake and aware... in case maybe happens." She injected the dose into his IV.

He stared at her softly, and his eyelids seemed to get heavier, but he forced them open, "Thank you." He said.

She nodded, and began to back out of the room.

"Doctor," he called after her.

Meredith hovered in the doorway between nowhere and nowhere. She was trying really hard not to collapse into a pile of scrubs and tears.

"I hope you find your Maybe," he said.

 _I don't think you lost them... I think you were the one who was lost. And maybe..._

Meredith couldn't reply. She pushed herself away from the door frame, past Owen's concerned gaze, and started down the hall at a run.

xxx

Maggie accepted the cup of tea from Richard as they sat on the same bench that they sat down at when Maggie first revealed her secret. The evening was so still, the air so warm. And wow! She was sitting with her biological father.

"What about Meredith?" Richard asked.

Oh... that.

"She doesn't know yet, does she?" Richard said.

Maggie shook her head, "I wanted to tell her but..." _I'm having a really bad day. I'm sore and tired. I really can't talk nice right now, so..._

"She didn't want to talk." Richard said.

"Yeah..." Maggie sighed. "I was so excited to meet her- because..." she stuttered, thinking. "My parents are goofy and funny and good people, but they don't get me. They've never understood why I wanted to crack open chests and shock hearts back to life. They don't understand why I want to pour over medical mysteries and run labs and tests. Why I want to cut into people. They just..." she shook her head. "When I found out that Ellis Grey was a surgeon... My entire life just _clicked_ and then you- I feel like I'm coming home. And I want Meredith to be a part of that, but she won't let me."

"I can't speak for Meredith... things haven't been easy for her. But if you try... I think it'll be worth it. She's worth it Maggie."

"You think so?"

Richard nodded. "Absolutely."

"I just don't know how to bring it up..."

Richard's pager beeped and he glanced at it. "You wanna scrub in on a lacroscopic gall bladder removal with your old man?"

"Would I ever!"

xxx

Amelia finished re-packing her suitcase, pressing her knee over the top before zipping it up. She paged Meredith again, but no response. Dammit where was she? She was hoping to catch a ride home with her. She huffed as she exited the on-call room, her home for the last week. She just wanted to go home to _a_ home. She clumsily threw her jacket on as she trundled down the hallway, scanning for Meredith.

"Hey," a familiar voice called.

She turned around, "Dr. Hunt..."

"I'm off shift, you can call me Owen." He laughed.

"Owen..." Amelia smiled. Why did she feel like a giddy teenager? "How's your patient, the lost guy?"

"He's uh... hanging in there." He said.

"That's good. The best you can hope for right?"

Owen nodded optimistically.

"Have you seen Meredith? I'm hoping she could give me a ride home."

"Oh... got back into her good graces did you?"

Amelia chuckled, "I suppose, I don't think I was ever in her bad graces... maybe Lexie's. You know how sisters can be..."

"Umm, yes."

"You have sisters?" Amelia asked as she stepped in sync with him.

"What? Hey, why don't I give you a ride home? I think Meredith might've left already." Owen suddenly appeared distracted.

But Amelia pretended not to notice his misdirection. She was tired , and eager to go home. "A ride? That would be great."

"Cool," Owen nodded, "I'm just gonna change, meet you downstairs?"

"Sure, yeah, great..." Amelia watched him march away. _Nice ass,_ she thought. _Hold your horses Amelia... Jeez you've only been here less than a week. You only just broke up with your fiancé. Get a hold of yourself._ But as she paced in the waiting room, she couldn't get him out of her head. Owen was ruggedly handsome, and kind, and _honest._ When she'd worked with him the other day he didn't care about her... mishap with Mark. He complimented her surgical skills. He respected her.

Now he was driving her home. She bit her lip. He could drive her _anywhere._ Oh stop it Amelia! Now he was driving her crazy! She glanced around the room, half of her hoping Meredith would come around the corner for her and the other half- well more than half hoped for that chiselled jaw, reddish blonde hair and broad shoulders would sweep- uh step around the corner.

Oh this was excruciating. Amelia paced, watching. "What am I doing..." she muttered.

Just then, Owen glided around the the corner, dressed in dark jeans, a simple white t-shirt and a light green Jacket.

"Ready to go?" he asked.

"Y-Yes, ready.

"Great, are you hungry?"

Say no... say no... But then her stomach growled. Crap.

"I'll take that as a yes?" Owen said, smiling.

xxx

Meredith closed the door as she exited the supply closet. This was beginning to become a familiar place for her. She was exhausted. It was time to go home. As she made her way down the hall to the elevator, Edwards ran up to her. "Dr. Grey!" She called.

Oh no...

"Edwards..." Meredith half warned half cried as she followed after the excited resident.

Please don't let it be Thomas... _Please!_

Adrenaline pumped through her as she dashed down the hall. "No, no, no..." she turned the corner into ICU. She gave him a Goddamn speech. He's not supposed to do this. Not today, please not today...

But there by the door was a police officer, and inside Thomas Sanderson's room, a small girl cried in her father's shoulder, while his wife clutched Thomas' hand, speaking loving words to her husband as he shook with sobs.

Meredith stopped and stared through the window.

"God, I love happy endings... don't you Dr. Grey?" Edwards said cheerfully beside her.

But Meredith was gone again.

xxx

She was dizzy, flushed and woozy when she arrived. Her heart was a tangled jumbled mess from the delirious journey she'd been on in the last twenty-four hours. She clutched the unopened bottle of tequila as she stared down at the familiar site below her.

In white marble, Derek Shepherd's name stood out against the darker grey of his gravestone. Derek Shepherd. Her husband. The first man she ever trusted. The first man she let love her. Now she was standing over his final resting place, looking for what exactly? Wanting what? She wanted... she wanted _him._ She wanted to hear him say all those things, she wanted him to be everywhere, all the time.

But she didn't have that.

What she had instead... was- a-a _maybe._

 _Maybe?_

She twisted off the cap. Took a huge gulp, almost choking on the vile liquid. With the back of her hand, Meredith wiped her lips. "You know... this is all your fault!"


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N:** Big thanks to roganjalex, Patsy, and mandyg67 who reviewed last chap. Also thanks to everyone who faved and followed, you guys are awesome!

Big chapter here! Enjoy!

Lexie slipped her empty dish in the sink. Dinner with Mark had been _awkward._ They talked a little about their day and about Sofia, and about her trip... but, hello, Big Elephant was in the room, ie, _their_ relationship.

Mark kept sneaking glances at her when he thought she wasn't looking. But she noticed, because, it was Mark and her attraction to him must be something beyond normal. She was a proton, and he was an electron and... well, you know...

Soon there'd be almost three-thousand miles between them, and no matter how much she tried to hate him for being an immature- sex-crazed teenager, she would _miss_ him. And it wasn't about the sex, okay well it was... but it was also... she pursed her lips, thinking. It was the sparkle in his eyes over his surgical mask when they worked together. It was his interest in her... how much he knew about her. He knew the little things, like her favorite snacks, and her little OCD moments before a surgery. He knew her photographic memory, while a gift was also a curse, and he never _abused_ that, asking for random facts like Cristina and Alex used to do.

He read all the Harry Potter books just so they could talk about it. They had surprisingly deep philosophical conversations over the series, he even went so far as to purchase _Harry Potter for Muggles._ Although he nicknamed her 'little Grey', he never considered her 'little.' He respected and encouraged her talent, more than anyone at SGH. He was the one who pressed her for neuro, even though Derek wasn't there to teach her. He actually got Owen to bring in Weller from Cleveland Clinic to foster her talent.

Now she was leaving him... sorta kinda. She wanted to grow out of pleasing people. She didn't have to 'try' with Mark, like she did with George. Mark noticed her. He wanted her.

Just...

Was this 'space' thing the right idea? Or was she just punishing him? Because she would also be sex-deprived.

She walked down the hall, Mark was reading "Green eggs and Ham" to Sofia for probably the fifteenth time.

She smiled as she listened to his bass timbre...

"And I would eat them in a boat, and I would eat them with a goat..."

Mark looked up when her shadow crossed the door. "And I will eat them in the rain and in the dark, and on a train..." he smiled. Sofia was nodding off in his arms. He put the book down and scooped her up, placing her on her new big bed. After he tucked her in, he kissed his daughter on her forehead and tucked the blankets in and around his beautiful daughter.

"Hey," Lexie said.

"Hey..."

She chewed her lip. "Space is good right? I mean... we need to mature right?"

Mark patted the floor next to him. She stepped into the room and sat beside him indian style.

"Lexie, I hurt you, remember?"

Yes, she did remember... but-

"If you let me in now," Mark continued, "How am I supposed to learn anything? How am I supposed to treat you better? Respect you? Love you?"

"Oh..." she said.

"It's you I want, Lexie. It always was. But if you make this easy... We won't grow. Let me win you over again, okay? Give me that chance. It'll be worth it." He pulled her close to him and kissed her temple.

"Okay," Lexie relented. So space was good. For now.

"I was gonna take off, Cheryl next door is coming over to watch Sofia. I, uh wasn't sure if you were going to stay tonight."

"I'm staying... but I need to go to Meredith's and pick up some things."

"I'll drive you."

"Okay." She let him, because he was Mark and she wanted him to win her over. Although she suspected he really didn't have to do much to do that... still she was eager to find out how.

xxx

Owen handed Amelia the bowl of ramen. She stared at it quizically. "Ramen?" she asked.

"Yuzo Shio Ramen." He said, nodding.

"Yu-huh-what?"

She was cute that way, he had to admit. "Just try it..." he said. It had a rich citrusy broth that he loved, and the kelp was perfectly cooked and tender.

"I don't know if I'm a big fan of food that requires _slurping._ " Amelia made a face as she picked at the ramen with her chopsticks, swirling the noodles around in the broth. "Maybe we should've gotten sushi."

"Sushi always made me a little queasy," Owen admitted. "Just the thought of sushi..." He shook his head. "Ramen, on the other hand..." he remembered a place he used to go during med school. It was open until two or three in the morning. Perfect for a brain-dead med student to stumble into and pick up an inexpensive hearty meal that could soothe his stomach and provide nourishment.

"Well, Derek always did like green stuff." Amelia said.

Owen chuckled. "Yeah, he was a bit of a health nut."

Something changed in Amelia's deep blue eyes. Regret- or... what?

"Sorry," he said, clearing his throat. He sipped his water and looked back down at his soup. He didn't mean to-

"No, it's okay." Amelia said, swallowing.

Awkward silence followed. He chewed thoughtfully, just wondering what exactly he was doing here, with Amelia. Obviously he liked her and wanted to be her friend. He didn't really know her that well... but she was a good surgeon, and a good person. Someone who had already battled her own demons. Someone who had to walk in the tremendous shoes of her God-like brother.

That couldn't be easy.

"Are..." He stammered, "uh, Amelia... How are you?"

"Oh, I'm managing... I _manage_."

He didn't want to press... but he did anyway. "You manage?"

Amelia put her chopsticks down and gave him a look like, _'We're really gonna talk about this here? Now?'_

Oops. He shifted in his chair and sighed, but the more he looked into her eyes the more he could see that maybe... she needed something. Or someone. He let his arm fall across the table, his fingertips touching her own. "Sometimes..." he tilted his head, thinking of the words to say... "It's hard to manage on your own." He thought of Cristina... how much she needed him after the shooting. Long hours in the bathtub, or on the couch, moments in on- call rooms, just talking... or hugging, wrapping her up.

It was hard to be alone and deal with loss.

"Yeah..." Amelia whispered, her eyes shiny. "Can we take this to go? It's late and-"

His lips twitched into a smile. "Of course," he said.

They climbed into the truck and headed for Meredith's.

As he drove over the bridge to Meredith's house, he felt her gaze on him. He slid his eyes to the right, watching her in the play of shadow and light through the window as streetlights passed.

She was... there was... he couldn't describe how he felt under that gaze, but it was _good._ It was a good thing, and he needed a good thing. Cristina was gone, and he'd only now accepted the fact that she wasn't his anymore, that she was out there, doing her thing... happy. And he was... well, he was managing.

He pulled up across the street from Meredith's. It didn't appear that anyone was home yet. "Here we are," he said, turning to Amelia. He turned the ignition, shutting the truck off. "Do you-" his words were caught, however, as Amelia lunged at him, pressing her lips onto his, her arms around his neck, pulling him close to her.

xxx

Meredith took another swig. Another. Derek's Gravestone stared back at her with a blank face. "You and your stupid boy penis!" She yelled.

No response. Of course, what did she expect? Her exasperated sigh turned into a sob and she bent down to grab the stone for support as she slid down, leaning against it. She could almost feel him now beside her. The grass was cool and wet from a recent rainfall that she never noticed, but she didn't care. She pulled at the grass absently, throwing the blades into the air. "I miss you."

 _Hmm, I miss you too._

"I'm sorry I yelled. It's not really your fault," she sipped the tequila, the liquid burning and comforting at the same time. "It's fucking Gary Clark and his fucking gun. It's the fucking idiot teenager and his fucking Camaro. It's the universe fucking with me all over again."

 _That's a lot of fucking._

"Shut up!" She sobbed, but half laughed at the same time. _Horndog. My husband is a horndog._ "It's not a joke! It's- I hurt all the time... and I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of the dark and twisty... I'm tired of being freaking Medusa." Another swig, another burn down her throat.

"There was like, two hours where I was the happiest I'd ever been in my entire life. I had you, and I was pregnant, and I had Cristina... and you were Chief," she swallowed and allowed herself to remember that feeling of pure joy. Pregnant and glowing and happy. Having a baby, being a family. Extraordinary.

 _You promised dirty sex._

"Yeah..." she grinned. "A vibrator in the tub just isn't the same."

The alcohol started to take affect now, Meredith's limbs relaxed and she felt the familiar buzz in her brain. She still felt pathetically mixed up... but she didn't feel anxious or upset about her mixed-upedness. After a few more swallows of tequila she lay down on her back, parallel to the gravestone. She absently rested a hand on her flat stomach. A flashback of Anna's hand on her C-section scar caused her to wince. "I wish I told you..."

 _Mer..._

"You didn't want me to be alone... and I thought If I told you... you might think I'd be okay, because I wouldn't be alone," she blinked hard, not wanting to cry. "I was selfish. I should've told you. You would've been so happy."

 _..._

 _As long as I had you, I was happy. You were enough._

Meredith stared at the stars that were now pricking through the dark sky. Crickets made their cricket noises, the wind shuffled the leaves in the trees, birds hooted or chirped or whatever. "I can't have kids, Derek... my uterus is closed for business." _Empty, she felt empty._

 _Oh, Meredith..._

"It's just... I wanted it. I didn't know how much I wanted it again," _Until I was told I couldn't have it,_ she thought. "Derek... I want-" she started, but she couldn't finish her thought in words. "It's Alex's fault," she muttered instead.

 _What's Karev got to do with this?_

"He's my Person now. Cristina's off in Switzerland making hearts and she left me Alex."

 _Okay, but what does_ _ **he**_ _have to do with my wife's uterus?_

"Don' be jealous..." she slurred.

 _Jealous? Of Karev? Over my dead body!_

"Hey! I'm the one who's 'posedta be makin' the dead Derek jokes not you." She sniggered.

 _Oh... Sorry._

She lifted the tequila bottle up. How much had she consumed? A third? She blinked and sighed, turning on her side to face the stone. She rubbed the stenciled letters of his name, wishing it was his stubbled jaw instead.

"He made me babysit..." she whispered. "This little girl, Anna..." _She's just like me,_ she thought. She thought about the sad shrug Anna gave when she said, 'my mommy died in a ax-uh-dent'. It broke her heart to hear that.

Those beautiful eyes and those little hands... that feeling of waking up next to someone who needed her. Meredith wondered how it was that she felt so peaceful for that five seconds she'd stared into Anna's eyes. _You so sweepy Merediff._ "Now I feel stuff-"

It was like she was on the high dive, staring down into a pool of love and hope and bright and shiny... But it was a loooong way down, the wind was blowing hard, and though the pool was deep, it was very small.

She knew she could handle the dive... She could leap. She was a leaper.

But the landing?

What if she missed?

"Der- I wanna live... I want bright'n shiny, but-" she couldn't hold it in anymore, and succumbed to soft sobs. "'I'm so scared! What if I miss? What if I lose agin?"

She sat up, fighting the ongoing ache of grief in her chest. Her fingers brushed hot salty tears off her cheeks. She took three big sips of tequila, and grimaced at the fire in her throat. Could she stand? She should probably try, she didn't want to pass out here and hoped she could make it to the entrance so a cab could pick her up.

It took her a few tries, but finally she was standing, shaky and wobbly and swaying. She looked back down at the grave. "Every night I dream of losing you...or th'baby and..." she blinked away the hot tears, "Der, I can't lose again. I won't make it."

A warm wind blew around her...

He was here.

A gentle caress pushed messy bangs out of her eyes and tickled the skin on her cheeks. Meredith felt his presence behind her, his hands sliding down her arms and entwining her fingers with his own. His chin rested against her ear, and she could feel his warm breath and stubble-y cheek against her.

She shivered.

 _You survived a bombing, a drowning, a shooting, and an accident. You survived loving me and losing me... Meredith... you're the strongest person I know._

"But I-" She didn't feel strong... she felt... tired.

 _If you could go back in time and spare yourself the pain of losing me and the baby, would you?_

"What kinda quesshun izzat?" she blurted. ""Course I'd do." Clearly grammer was failing her now.

 _What if it meant never meeting me?_

"Huh?" Meredith asked, blinking.

 _No pain, but no Derek. No baby._

The thought was unthinkable. No pain... but no Derek? No knight in shiny whatever? No post-it wedding? No happy fluttery moments with pumpkin in her belly?

"No." She swallowed. "Thaas not how this works..." She couldn't see it. It wasn't in the realm of her imagining... never meeting Derek meant... what? A big blank white space encased her vision.

 _Well?_

"Thinking here!" she stomped her foot petulently, "Derek... if-if I din't have you... I'd be Ellis two-point-oh."

 _Miserable._

"Yeah."

 _Like you are right now._

She felt a squeeze on her hand. Or she imagined it... or something.

 _Dark and twisty?_

"Maybe," she mumbled. If she hadn't met Derek, she might've never _known_ love in the first place. And that thought was a lot worse. Having and knowing love... made her a _person._ Made her... made everything in the world mean more. Colors were brighter. Feelings were more feelinger...(again with the grammer.) Having love in her life meant she wasn't some ordinary girl. It meant she wouldn't turn out like her mother, emotionally stunted and alone.

On the high dive again, she looked down, the wind blew in her face. The pool below looked so inviting. "Wasser point?" she asked her shining knight.

 _Jump._

Terror rumbled in her heart, "What if I miss?"

 _Jump again._

"Why? It'll hurt!" She did that before, look where it got her.

 _Maybe it won't. Maybe you won't miss. A perfect ten._

She couldn't. She couldn't move... she was stuck. "Derek- I"

 _You did it before... with me remember? Trust me Meredith. You're not finished._

"Every where, allatime... sayin' things," she sighed.

Her gaze wandered past Derek's gravestone, to the nearby tree he was buried beside. There was another grave there. A tiny grave. Baby Grey-Shepherd's grave.

She stumbled toward it. She hated this grave because she had to battle so much guilt everytime she came... hence the tequila. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I'm so sorry." She sat down on her knees in front of the white stone and wrapped her arms around herself. Even four years later, this still haunted her, although rationally, she knew she shouldn't blame herself... she couldn't help it. She felt she failed her in some way. She failed to protect her daughter. "I hope you're okay... wherever you are," she said.

 _Don't worry. She is..._

She closed her eyes.

"Grey?" A deep voice called, startling her awake.

Mark? What was he doing here now? Did someone send him here? Probably Lexie. God what time was it? "Whattya doin here?"

"I was gonna talk to Derek..."

"Oh." she said, pulling herself up to a standing position. The ground tilted for a minute while she scrabbled for balance. "Well I warmed him up for ya," she drawled, jerking a thumb at her husband's grave.

"You're drunk." Mark said, with an amused smile.

"I yam," she said, smiling. Mark's presence was comforting, she didn't feel so alone.

"You're a sweet potato?"

"Sh'up" She swayed and landed on his chest. It felt good. Strong and warm, but it wasn't Derek's chest.

"You're damp."

"I yam?" she asked, looking down at herself. Oh... laying down on wet grass would do that, she supposed... she hadn't even noticed or cared before.

"Are you going to be quoting popeye now?"

"Pop who?"

"Nevermind, you're very drunk, I should take you home." Mark rumbled, giving her a good once-over.

"But you hafta talk to Derek!" Meredith insisted, she didn't want to keep Mark from his brother, his friend. "He's verry wisdom-y tonight. He keeps sayin' things." She blinked thoughtfully, tapping Marks chest with a finger. "Imma perfect ten you know..."

Mark smirked, turning his attention to the grave for a moment. "I'll talk to him in the morning, Derek needs his beauty rest."

Meredith chortled. "Thas verry true."

Mark wrapped an arm around her waist to stablise her, and turned around to walk her out.

"Wait!" she called. "I din't say goodbye..." She escaped Mark's grasp and staggered back to Derek's grave. She picked up the half empty tequila bottle, not a good idea to leave it here. Where was the lid? Crap. Oh well.

Standing in front of his grave she felt a weight lift off her shoulders. She felt him in her, pushing her, like he always did, but supporting her too. She felt... like she was on the _cusp_ of something, she just had to believe it right? "Thanks, Derek," Meredith said, "I- think...I want this... I want to try, and- I trust you," she rambled. "I'm not finished. I can't be, I don't wanna be a tired old spinster. So... thanks, and goodnight. " Her soap scrubbed fingertips touched her lips as she transferred a kiss to the gravestone. "I love you. I miss you."

 _I **love** you Meredith Grey._

xxx

Maggie patted her hands dry in the scrub room. The surgery had of course been successful. "That was incredible," she said. "It only took how long to remove the gall bladder?"

"Uh... twenty seconds?" Richard asked.

"You're rounding up." Maggie replied.

"Eh," Richard hummed, shrugging.

"Not like it matters to you... you've probably done thousands of these in your life," Maggie continued. She didn't believe that half of her was surgical royalty, and the other half of her was kickass.

"I lost count somewhere after five-hundred I believe."

"Richard..." Maggie regarded the man she was getting to know as her father, "How do I tell her? What if-"

"Maggie, if you feel you should tell her, than you should."

"But what if she- I don't know how she'll react. What if she doesn't want to know me?"

"Look, Meredith will probably react badly at first. That's a given. But you can't be here and not be yourself. You have to tell her for your own sake. Let the truth come out, rip off the band-aid."

She considered his words, imagined Meredith's reaction to her revelation. It could be bad. She could yell, laugh, call her a liar, storm away, refuse to have anything to do with her. It was a leap. But Richard was right. It had to come out sometime, she couldn't walk around the hospital with this secret.

She would tell her. And whatever happened... happened. Maggie didn't want to wait another minute. The tension was killing her. Knowing her, she'd probably blurt it out during surgery while Meredith held a ten-blade in her thin, nimble fingers. "Richard... I don't want to wait. I need to do this now. But... maybe you could come with me? I don't even know where she lives."

"Sure." Richard said with a reassuring gaze, "I'll drive you."

xxx

Meredith reached for Mark's arms so he could pull her out of his Corvette. It took her more strength than she thought. Of course, it didn't help that it was so low to the ground. She chuckled as she gripped his forearms and he pulled her up. "Whoa," she mumbled. Everything was spin-y

Mark waited with her until there was only one of him and the world slowed down. She swallowed. Damn high dives. Damn Tequila.

"You okay Grey?" he asked.

"It's too early to be this drunk," she whined.

"C'mon, almost home, then hangover heaven right?"

"Yay me."

He helped her up the steps, as her house was on a bit of a hill, and walked her to the door. She fumbled in her pockets for her keys... crap. She left her purse at work. "Crap," she muttered. There was a spare set though... under the swing. She took a few steps toward the swing, but there were people in the swing.

"Mark, there's people in my swing," she said.

"Um, yeah..." He said from behind her.

"Why are there people in my swing?" she asked him, and then she turned to the two people in her swing, "Why are you in my swing?" Especially her. Why was _she_ in her swing?

Richard stood up slowly. "Hello Meredith," he said.

"Richard, why is Maggie in my swing?" she slurred.

Richard scratched his head nervously, "Um, it's nothing... I was just- you look tired-"

"Dr. Pierce, what the hell are you doing in my swing?" Meredith asked, bypassing Richard's obvious attempts to abort whatever scheme he was planning.

Maggie stood up and cleared her throat. "Meredith, there's no easy way to say this... so I'm just going to say it..." She paused and looked down at her feet as if to gather some sort of inner courage.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Out with it Pierce, or I'll barf all over you!" she said, swaying slightly.

"You know... Maybe this is a bad time..." Richard said.

"No! You're the one who encouraged me to do this... rip off the band-aid right?" Maggie replied.

"Uh..." Richard stammered.

They were interrupted by the door opening, Lexie came out of the house, awkwardly hefting a couple boxes. She stopped on the porch when she saw Meredith, Maggie, and Richard... "Oh... Mer, you're here... I didn't know you were having company over." She shifted, catching Mark's attention, who immediately took the boxes from her arms. "Thanks," she breathed.

"I'm not having company over," Meredith said. She swallowed heavily. Her body was starting to reject the earlier tequila. Not good.

"I'm just gonna say it..." Maggie looked Meredith right in the eye. "I was adopted. In Boston... and I found out last year... that Ellis Grey is my biological mother, and I just found out today that Richard Webber is my biological father."

Meredith's brain spun. Say that again? You did what with who for how many quarters? _Ellis Grey, biological mother... Richard... father._ She tried the calculation in her head, but nothing was computing. Two plus two is five? "Huh?"

Maggie stepped closer, took Meredith's hand and pulled her to sit down next to her on the swing. "My mother... my biological mother... is Ellis Grey," she said, enunciating each syllable.

Whatever she said still didn't register. "What?"

It was Lexie who clarified it for her, "Oh my freaking God... Meredith, she's your sister!"

Meredith looked at Maggie blankly. "You're my sister?" she asked, her voice a hoarse whisper. She blinked, the contents of her stomach rolled around. Another noise got her attention, someone coming up the stairs.

Amelia appeared on the steps, dragging a suitcase behind her. She stopped, eyeing Mark and Lexie, her mouth set in an apologetic frown at first, but then her jaw dropped when she saw Maggie and Meredith on the swing and a very worried Richard. "Oh... this is awkward," she said.

Meredith's gaze slid to Lexie, then to Amelia, then landed on Maggie. "I have too many sisters," she croaked weakly before upchucking all over Maggie's lap.

 **A/N:** Okay, that was so much fun to write! Please review! Also check out my newest fic, **Off the Carousel** if you're A Good Witch fan... or even if you're not. Meredith Grey meets Cassie Nightingale in Middleton USA...

Anyway thanks so much!


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N:** So I had to take a bit of a brain break... for awhile, but now I'm back! Don't worry, no intention of abandoning this story...

Thanks to iceiceiceiceice, mandyg67, roganjalex, Patsy, MusicWithinMe, greysfannn and gale123 for your reviews! Last chapter was great to write! Glad I made you laugh!

 **This takes place a couple days later...**

Enjoy!

"Well? What do you think?" Alex gestured to the forth story loft as he held Jo's hand, pulling her in further. He watched her carefully for any reaction, she seemed hesitant at first, but the light reflecting in her hazel eyes was hopeful. The last three places they'd checked out, she'd seemed unexcited about, and this one was the last on the list. He honestly didn't really care too much about where they lived, as long as it was with her. He'd told her as much, but still Jo was... undecided.

He watched as she let go of his hand and stepped inside the large space. Light streamed in through a skylight and a large window that led to a balcony. Nothing was defined here, there was a small raised area with a counter and cabinetry against the wall for a kitchen area but other than that... they could make it into anything they wanted.

He thought about the lego model he'd presented her. This wasn't house with a yard and a garage... but it was a start, and it meant something, it was a step forward with their relationship. Alex couldn't help but feel anxious as he watched her. "It's uh, open concept. We could make it into anything..." he started.

"Anything..." Jo repeated.

"Yeah, you know... maybe we could put the bedroom here," he pointed, "Or..." he looked around and moved closer to the large window, but Jo grabbed his hand and spun him toward her.

On her tip toes, Jo kissed him before he could get another word out- "Mm," was all he could say.

"I think... this one." Jo said.

"I think so too." He leaned his forehead on hers.

xxx

"...and 'en she barfed on me." Maggie slurred to the bartender. "M'new sissster is a-a acka ack-o-lic." She pushed her shot glass for him to refill.

He eyed it warily... "And you're not?" he asked.

"Me? Nooooo. Imma cylon!" Maggie banged her fist on the table, knocking her empty glass over. "Imma alien, and this-" she pointed down with her index finger and made a circling gesture, "Is Galactica!" Even sitting down, she swayed. God, she was drunk... she hadn't been this drunk since... ever.

Meredith had called her a liar. After she barfed on her. She said she didn't remember her mother being pregnant. She demanded to know what she wanted from her.

"Okay," He picked up her glass and dropped it in the bin for dirty dishes while wiping the table in front of her. "I think I'm gonna have to cut you off..."

"No... I need tequila! D'ya know, Imma chief of cardio-thor-ass-sick surgergery. I ssave lives! I fix hearts, solve puzzuzles!" Dammit, she just wanted to know about her mother. She just wanted to feel a connection.

"You probably need to be sober to do that."

"Yer prably verry right sirrr" she pointed at him. "But why'd I c'mere? From Boston ofall places... coulda jusst stayed home. Pepple love me there... everabody loves me there... Not here... now they just av- avoid me." Since the secret came out, Meredith avoided her like the plague and while Webber was nice, he didn't quite know what to do with the sudden appearance of a daughter, so there was always a constant awkwardness.

"Well maybe your new sister just doesn't know what to do with you... or embarrased for puking on you."

"You are absoblutely right! no'ne knows what t'do with me..."

"You should eat something, have you eaten something?" He pushed a dish of peanuts toward her.

"Mebbe I'll have some wings..." The wings were good here, she remembered.

"Okay, when you sober up a little I'll call you a cab."

"Notta cab... Imma cylon." Maggie fumbled with a peanut, trying to crack it open. Dammit! She almost cursed out loud when she dropped it on the floor instead.

xxx

April clutched her husband's hand as she knocked on the door. She was nervous of course, but Meredith had called out of the blue and asked them to come over, and she couldn't exactly refuse the offer to make amends.

Jackson rubbed her shoulders and kissed her forehead.

"This is good right? It's good?" April asked.

"Yeah... it'll be fine." He smiled.

The door opened, and Meredith appeared, "Hey," she said, giving a small smile. "Um, come in..."

"Thanks." April said. They stepped in and stood awkwardly at the threshold.

Meredith closed the door behind them and leaned against it. She sighed heavily and pushed her bangs out of her eyes. "I was going through some things after Lexie left and... well, I still have a crib and onsies and infant stuff..." Meredith swallowed. "I don't think I'll be having babies anytime soon, so... do you guys wanna take a look and see if there's anything you need?"

The request shocked April. She gaped. Jackson squeezed her hand. "What? Meredith?" she asked. But when she saw the pleading look in Meredith's eyes, she nodded. They followed her up the stairs to the room that would've been the baby's nursery. She remembered, she'd helped decorate it.

A pang of sadness hit her when Meredith opened the door, revealing the lavender painted room. An unfinished crib rested against one wall, and a few boxes of items were placed along another wall and on a change table. Unopened baby shower gifts also lined the room. It was exactly as she'd left it four years ago. "Mer..." April sighed softly, rubbing her small bump.

"You know, maybe you could take it all? Even if you have a boy... could you just take it? Donate it to Pead's or whatever?"

April bit her lip. It sounded like she was giving up hope. But it was Jackson who nodded and sighed, "Of course," he said softly, his eyes intent and reasuring.

"I'm... just- I'll be downstairs. If you need anything." Meredith pointed down the hall.

April stared at the room, a tumble of thoughts and feelings roaring in her mind.

xxx

"What is CDH and how is it treated?" Callie asked, sipping her wine.

"Oh, that is so easy..." Arizona stated. "Congenital diaphragmatic hernia. The diaphragm doesn't develop properly and the abdominal organs may enter the chest cavity through a hole, causing pulmonary hyperplasia-"

"This occurs in..."

Arizona's mind rolled through the facts... "Um... one in every two-thousand births."

"And treated by..."

"Fetoscopic temporary tracheal occlusion." Arizona recalled. "The trachea is temporarily blocked by a small balloon to trap fluid in the lungs. Buildup of the fluid enlarges the lungs and stimulates their growth, pushing any abdominal organs that have moved into the chest cavity back into the abdomen," she stated, gesturing with her hands. "The occlusion is removed immediately after birth of the baby. The procedure is performed endoscopically."

"Wow, thats the tenth one in a row..." Callie beamed at her wife.

"Yeah, well now my head hurts."

"Well, I guess you deserve a break..."

"Oh, I _deserve_ a break, do I?" she flirted.

"Hmm, maybe a small one..." Callie smiled back. She put down her flash cards and settled on the loveseat beside her wife. Seeing the look in Callie's eyes, Arizona leaned in to kiss her passionately. She smiled, Callie's lips tasted like cherry.

"Mama!" Sofia called, running into the room.

"Oh sweetie, come here," Arizona stretched her arms to her daughter. Sofia settled quickly into her lap and Arizona pulled her close, smelling the sweet smell of her coconut shampoo.

The three of them settled close together, Callie stroking Sofia's fine black hair. "So... you still want to do this? Adopt Zola?"

"Why not?" Arizona asked. But her voice lacked the usual enthusiasm. "She'd be almost the same age as Sofia, maybe she would like having a sister."

"It's just..." Callie trailed off.

"What?" She regretted the wariness in her voice.

"She'll be four years old, and she has spina bifida. That's a lot of responsiblity don't you think? And with your fellowship with Herman? I mean, she expects a lot out of you."

Arizona sighed, "Callie... I-" She wanted to give Callie what she wanted. Callie wanted a baby, and she wanted to believe that she did too... but-

Her pager beeped. She picked it up. 9-1-1 Zola. "It's Zola, I gotta go." She said, handing Sofia off to Callie.

"Arizona!"

"We'll talk about this, I promise." She grabbed her jacket and was out the door.

xxx

Amelia stared at the mess of the brain in front of her. "Dammit," she muttered as another vessel started to bleed. "How's it going down there?" she asked Owen, who was working to salvage the man's spleen.

"Not good." He replied seriously.

"I know what you mean."

"Motorcycle, meet telephone pole." Brooks added.

"More like, head meet telephone pole at sixty miles an hour..." Amelia said as she worked.

"So how are you?" asked Owen.

"Huh?"

"I mean we..." He cleared his throat. "The other night, you and I..."

"Oh _that..."_ and she couldn't help but feel the flush of her cheeks. She was thankful she had a mask on. She cleared her throat, she hadn't spoken to Owen since then, except for work stuff. "I... um uh..."

"Oh, you guys totally made out didn't you?" Brooks exclaimed, looking between them.

Amelia glanced up at Owen and knew he was blushing under his mask too.

"Brooks," he warned.

"What? Everybody's been either grumpy or avoidy, and you two-"

"Brooks, shut up." Amelia snapped.

"I just think at least somebody should be happy, jeez." She muttered as she returned to suctioning.

Happy, right. Amelia thought. When was the last time she'd been happy? Really happy? And not a mess that she was trying to cover up with a smile and sarcastic joke. The last time? When she forgot everything around her... and everything felt... good and safe and just... nice.

She managed a quick look at Owen, who was swearing at the spleen. When she kissed him. That's when.

But she was a mess. Barely holding herself together after her failed engagement and death of her baby. Still struggling with the unresolved relationship with dead Derek, and trying not to step on Meredith's toes at her house.

She was a mess. She didn't want to be with someone while she was a mess, did she?

"Pupil's blown," Brooks called suddenly.

Dammit.

xxx

Meredith waited anxiously on the couch. Waited for them to leave. She rubbed her thighs and let out a breath. Jackson had come down the stairs with the crib a few minutes ago, and since returned back up. She heard them talking softly upstairs, and tried to ignore it. On the coffee table, Alex had left her a brochure for Seattle family services. There was something else there too, the picture Anna had colored for her.

She'd barely looked at it before, but this morning she found it in her labcoat pocket. And while she was on the elevator, she'd pulled it out just to see...

It was a picture of a girl on a swing being pushed by her mother. It was as she'd dreamed twice now.

She couldn't get Anna out of her head. Could she do it? Be a mother? She'd been ready to try four years ago. She'd been ready... she wanted to. But now April and Jackson were taking the last of the baby stuff, making room for...

For maybe.

She picked up the brochure, reading the phone number again. In her other hand she clenched the phone.

But maybe she was too dark and twisty. She barfed on her supposed sister and called her a liar. She worked eighty hour weeks. She couldn't do this could she? Be a mom? Be all tender and loving? Be anti Ellis?

"Meredith?" April's face came into her vision.

"Huh?"

"We're all done," she said.

"Oh." Meredith said.

"We took all of it, except... well I couldn't take this." April handed her a worn brown teddy bear. It was Derek's bear. Carolyn had left it here after her accident. 'Perhaps one day...' she'd said.

"Okay." She rasped as she stared at the bear, glad April left it. It was really something of Derek's.

April sat beside her. "Are you okay?" she asked.

She couldn't move or think as she stared at the bear. She still had the blanket too. She slept with it last night. Maybe that was why she had the dream...

"Meredith?"

"Do you think... I mean... would I have been a good mom?" Meredith asked. "If-"

"Of course," April said automatically. Which wasn't exactly what she wanted.

"Don't placate me Kepner..." she said.

"No, I mean it. I really do." April patted her knee.

"How do you know?"

"Hey. You convinced me that I could do it. I was considering adoption because Jackson was afraid what his mom would think, but then you told me how badly you wanted to love your child when it was born. You wanted to take her to the zoo, and read her bedtime stories and play dolls and everything. You said she was a piece of you and Derek and you wanted to love her so badly..."

"But if I adopt... I mean, she won't be related to me..."

"Meredith, you should know better than anyone that a family is often made, not born. I mean, half the hospital is sorta your family. You just take in strays and you always look out for them, this isn't any different."

"It's not?"

"Meredith, you can do this, okay? If you really want to be a mom... you have my support, I think you'd be a great mom."

Meredith sized up Kepner and then looked at the brochure a new confidence filled her, stoking her desire to finally be bright and shiny. "Okay. Thank you."

"Okay." April said. She stood up to leave when Meredith suddenly felt the need to do something.

"April... Can I-" she glanced at her small baby bump.

"Yes," April smiled, turning to face her.

Meredith stood and carefully felt April's bump, remembering her own pregnancy. At the time, her baby had been practically her best friend.

"Thanks April," she said. "I think... maybe you might be right. Maybe I'll try."

"It's a start right?" April said as she picked her jacket off the couch and set off for the foyer.

"Yeah." Meredith said, watching her go.

She sat down on the couch, picked up the phone, and dialed. After being transferred around, she finally got to Anna's social worker.

"Hi," she rasped, thrumming with nervous energy. "Um... This is Meredith Grey... I was wondering about a little girl you have under your care? Anna Forester?"

xxx

"Where's Alex?" Arizona demanded as she waited for the chopper.

"He was called into another trauma." Edwards shouted over the roar of the blades.

"Okay, well page Amelia, we're going to need to do a shunt repair."

"She's busy too, Motorcycle accident."

"Dammit!" Her mind raced. She needed someone who could cut into a brain and Lexie was gone... Wait- "Page Grey 9-1-1, I need someone with neuro experience, NOW!"

"You got it," Edwards said, reaching for her phone.

 **A/N:** Thanks for your patience everyone! Please review!


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N:** Thanks Everybody! Special thanks to Patsy, roganjalex, and mandyg67 for your reviews!

Thanks to Everyone for following and faving this fic!

Jo sighed as she sipped her beer. The house was empty for once. Grey had been paged to the hospital, and Amelia was still there... Alex too had been paged, and that left her and the big house. She idly flipped through the channels on the television but found nothing that caught her interest. She smiled anyway... it'd been a good day, and they made an offer on the loft that she hoped would go through.

She was thankful, so thankful that Alex was in her life and that there was a possiblility of something more. Maybe a dog... she wasn't ready for kids yet. A future though... she was starting to see a future with this man that she never thought possible. God, who woulda thought the underdog from the streets could have this life now?

Humming, she walked into the kitchen and noticed that a message was left on the phone. She pressed the play button.

" _Hello, this is Fred Martin calling for Alex Karev... uh you need to call me right away, it's about Amber..."_

 _Okay._.. Jo thought, as she jotted down Fred's number, _that was weird_. What was up with Amber? Wasn't that Alex's little sister? She hoped everything was okay. With that thought, she sent off a quick text to Alex, knowing he probably was too busy to answer.

She was staring at the small tubs of ice cream in the freezer when the doorbell rang.

Who could that be? Nobody rang the doorbell anymore. Jo huffed and walked slowly to the door. "God, I'm coming..." she muttered when it rang again and again and again...

But she was shocked when she saw who was at the door. "What are _you_ doing here?"

xxx

Maggie swallowed as she stood in front of the door to Meredith's house. Why was she here again? It didn't help that she was a _little_ drunk...

She pushed the doorbell again and again. Meredith. She was gonna confront her. Maggie Pierce was not a liar... Ellis Grey was her mother and that was final. She was gonna figure this puzzle out even if it meant she had to Bring the Thunder.

The door opened and she blinked when a resident answered, what was her name again? Wilma? Watson? Whatever.

"What are _you_ doing here?" she asked.

"Is Meredith here?" Maggie asked.

"She got paged." Watson said, not budging at the door.

Maggie swayed slightly. She was sober dammit! "Okay..." she said, feeling the Thunder die away. Crap. How embarassing. She squirmed. "Do you mind if I use the bathroom?"

Wilbur rolled her eyes, "Whatever," she said like an apathetic teenager as she stepped back to let her in.

"Thanks... oh God, I didn't know how long I'd been holding it in."

Wilma made a face. "Under the stairs," she gestured.

Maggie wasted no time as she bolted to the bathroom and closed the door. When she was finished, she quietly exited and reached for her phone to call a cab. Then she stopped. Wait a second... this wasn't just Meredith's house, it was _Ellis'_ house. Her mother's house. She leaned over and poked her head down the hall. Winnie was watching TV... maybe she could just... have a little look around. There was a room right beside the stairs, the light was still on. She stepped in... it appeared to be a den. There was a bunch of boxes here and there, and one wall had a large bookshelf full of medical books. But it was one small dusty photo album that got her attention.

She picked it up and flipped through it. An old picture of a baby in a dress in a crib, another one of a toddler looking up at her father in front of a frosted cupcake with a single candle in it. More baby pictures... Then she saw a picture of who must have been Ellis nearly thirty years ago, wearing a white coat and stethoscope. Maggie traced the picture with her fingertips. Ellis looked so focused and determined. On the other side, a picture of that same Ellis with little Meredith and her father in front of a tree. Meredith in a wagon.

She sighed as she slammed the album shut. This was stupid... she shouldn't be snooping. She was not a snooper... As Maggie picked up the Album to put it back, a picture slipped out. She bent to pick it up, and gasped. An obviously pregnant Meredith smiled back at her from the picture.

But Meredith didn't have any kids, did she?

Feeling like she'd invaded on something deeply private, she tucked the picture back in and went to leave the room.

Except Wilson was there in front of her... Crap.

"Uh..." Maggie started.

"You know, I was kinda on your side after Grey barfed on you, but now I'm not so sure..."

"Listen, Watson..."

" _Wilson._ "

"Wilson. It was stupid, I know... it's just... I don't feel like I belong... and- I" she shook her head. "I'll just- I should- I think I'll just go." She pushed past the young resident and reached for the doorknob.

"Wait." Wilson said, and Maggie stopped. "I know you're not a liar..."

"Oh."

"It's just... maybe you need to show her some proof."

 _Proof?_ like her birth certificate maybe? "She said she didn't remember her mother being pregnant..." Maggie said, turning around.

Williams played with her fingers, "Yeah, but... people block stuff out. _Kids_ block stuff out..."

Maggie considered it. It was possible maybe, but...

"Look, from what I hear, Ellis left Seattle pretty suddenly. Even after she got nominated, she was gone like a shot. Doesn't that sound weird to you?"

Like maybe she found out she was pregnant?

"Do you have a computer around here? I have an idea." Maggie asked.

xxx

 _Four years ago:_

 _Meredith lay uncomfortably in her bed. It'd only been a week since she'd woken up from her 'coma.' She was slowly getting better, even though she didn't really feel like it. She'd actually eaten something today which was good... even better then puking it up. She just couldn't get rid of the emptiness. Now alone, truly alone, she missed Derek more than ever. And pumpkin._

 _A noise got her attention and she turned her head to the door. Cristina walked in. Meredith didn't bother greeting her. She just sighed._

" _Get up," Cristina said._

" _No." She didn't want to move. Or think. Or breathe._

" _C'mon. Callie said you need to walk more if you want to get discharged. So get up."_

" _No." She just wanted to lay here._

" _C'mon, three is doing a shunt surgery... you should come and watch."_

" _No." She just wanted to forget the world._

 _Cristina sighed and sat down at the foot of the bed. "I get it. You've lost more... than anyone ever should. I know. But I'm not letting you lose yourself. I'm not. I can't lose you okay? I just can't. And you still have Lexie, but she's been mopey because of what happened to you and she could really use a big sister right about now... so you are going to get up, and we are going to hobble over to OR one and eat popcorn and watch a shunt surgery on a little girl that Karev brought in from freaking Africa because he's trying to win Chief Resident... so get up Mer!"_

 _Meredith sighed. She knew Cristina wouldn't leave her alone unless she gave her a little something. "Okay..." she muttered._

 _Cristina's expression brightened immediately. "Great!" She moved off the bed and brought the walker over. Meredith carefully edged off the bed and pointed for her slippers. Cristina slid them over and she slipped her feet in before grabbing the foam handles of the walker. She hated the stupid thing._

 _Slowly and painfully they made their way to the the OR Gallery. When they got there, the surgery was already underway. She watched as Weller, Lexie, Robbins and Karev operated on a little tiny brown body. For a little while she forgot about her circumstances and just allowed herself to be absorbed in what was happening._

 _The surgery was nearly perfect. For a moment the baby's heart rate spiked into SVT, but before they needed to administer any drugs, the heart rate stabilised back into sinus. Meredith felt a small smile creep on her lips. This one was a fighter._

 _Lexie's eyes crinkled over her mask as she waved at Meredith from below. She waved back tiredly before exiting the gallery._

 _But late at night, with nothing but beeping machines keeping her company, Meredith forced herself out of bed. Foregoing the walker in place of her elbow crutches, she shuffled along quiet empty hallways to the peadiatric ward. She didn't know why. Maybe she was just bored..._

 _In sweatpants and Derek's Bowdoin sweater, she made her way to where all the babies lay... she stopped to look at them, and then shook her head, this was a stupid idea, she thought as her uterus ached._

 _And then she heard crying._

 _She waited for someone to come running, but there was no one around. Automatically she looked for the source of the noise and paused outside of the room. The baby Lexie operated on..._

 _A quick glance at the chart on her bed confirmed that her name was Zola, and she was post-op from shunt surgery due to spina bifida._

 _Derek had said something about changing the position of the head to relieve the pressure. Meredith looked around again, no one was coming._

" _Shh..." she said to the baby, as she reached down to stroke her wet cheeks. "Someone will be here soon, okay?"_

 _A few tense moments followed, but no one arrived. Meredith fidgited. If she could pace, she would've. But now the baby was making her cry, and so despite doctor's orders, and despite the potential possibility of tearing her stitches, she reached down and picked her up. Just like that, Zola stopped crying._

 _Meredith winced in pain, but bore it anyway as she held her. She couldn't sit down, so she just stood there for as long as she could, holding Zola and humming to her. When it was unbearable, she laid Zola back down in her crib and propped her up a little with a folded up blanket. Zola was fast asleep, rythmically sucking her thumb, and Meredith watched her for a few more minutes befoe she forced herself to leave._

 _She visited Zola the next day. And the day after that, feeling a certain kinship with the child. On the day she was discharged, she went to see her... only to find Zola was gone._

" _Oh, she went back to Africa," the nurse said._

 _It took everything in Meredith to stay standing. She was done. Emotionally spent. Bankrupt and void. The wall came up, hard and solid, heavy and unbreakable. She would never do that again. Get attached. It hurt too much._

"Robbins?" Meredith called as she entered the OR, a mask over her face. "What's happening?"

"I need you to scrub in, her shunt is failing, we have to replace it."

"Okay." Meredith said, recognizing Arizona's urgency. And then she looked down at the patient's intubated face and gasped. "Zola?" she croaked.

xxx

Amelia pulled her tools from the skull in front of her. It was over. The flatline echoed in the large operating. "Time of death, eight-thirty pm." She breathed into her mask, causing it to expand away from her face. Her shoulders slumped in defeat, she pulled the mask off and turned away to walk into the scrubroom.

He had a chance. A slim one, but it was a chance. If she was Derek she probably could've saved him, but... she wasn't Derek, and Derek wasn't here.

"Amelia..." Owen said softly. _There was nothing more you could've done._

"I know..." she whispered. "I have to tell the family. He's a dad. His kid is like... eight or something?" Warm water trickled down her arms as she reached for the soap.

"I'll come with you..."

Amelia looked up at him. No she didn't need him to do that. Protect her. She shook her head. "No. I can do it. I'll do it."

"Amelia..."

"You hired me to be the Chief of Neuro right? This is my job." The fabric of the towel was soft and smooth against her skin as she dried her hands.

"That's not- He was my patient too okay?" Owen said sternly.

She huffed. "Fine," she said as she bustled out. She walked quickly, angrily. Stupid telephone poles. He had a chance. The patient had a chance.

 _Amelia, you need to get your act together. Derek was in a motorcycle accident. I don't need anymore drama from you too._ She heard her mother's voice.

 _Amelia, Amy... he was shot... your father... he was shot... Derek... he didn't make it. Your father is dead._

And then Derek's voice rang over and over in her head... _Amy! You stole my prescription pads! And then you overdosed! You fucking overdosed, using my name! You weren't breathing, for three minutes I had to pump your chest! Why? Why did you do this?_

Before she reached the doors to the waiting room she stared out the rectangular window at the patient's family. A mother and son. The boy swung his legs as he played with the spaceship in his lap. The father was on his way to see his son before he crashed. The boy asked him to come. And then... head meet telephone pole.

As she watched the boy with the spaceship a wave hit her. A big roaring wave of pain rolled in and she struggled to stand in the aftermath. But Owen's steps behind her pushed her on. Amelia sucked in a breath. "Mrs. Sanchez?" She called as she walked into the waiting room. Her heart broke at her hopeful expression. She glanced at the son, and pulled Mrs. Sanchez aside.

"Oh no," she said, shaking her head. "Please no..."

In Amelia's peripheral vision, she saw Owen take the son aside and sit with him.

"I'm sorry," Amelia croaked out. "There was too much bleeding. Dr. Hunt and I... we did everything we could, but... he's... he died."

Everything that happened after was a haze as she comforted the wife. A moment later, the son came running to his mother and clutched her.

Turning away, Amelia wrapped her arms around herself and took off.

"Amelia?" Owen called after her.

 **A/N:** Thanks for reading! Please review!


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N:** Wow! Thanks everybody for your response to last chapter! Thanks for reading! Thanks also to mandyg67, Butterflysparkle97, Patsy, greysfannn, and Kaykay12345nine for your comments!

Please enjoy this next chapter!

Mark shifted from one foot to the other outside of the townhouse, his hands shoved in his pockets as he waited. The night air was cool against his skin. He was about to turn around when he saw a light turn on in the front window. Footsteps could be heard behind the door.

He swallowed nervously.

The door swung open, and he was face to face with Carolyn.

"Mark Sloan!" She gasped.

"Carolyn." He nodded.

"Gracious me, what are you doing here?"

"You said I could drop by anytime..." he said, quirking his lips in a slight smile.

"Well come in then, I'll put on a pot of tea."

He stepped into the house, shaking his head at the memories that assaulted him. He'd come here often as a teenager. After school, he'd hang out with Derek, read his comics, play his games and be invited to stay for supper. A break from the lonliness that haunted him at his own empty home.

Carolyn ushered him in, and he followed her to the kitchen. She'd hardly changed, except for a few more lines, and... maybe a little more emptiness in her eyes than before her son died. She filled the pot with water and set it on the stove before producing two black mugs and a couple tea bags. "Earl Grey?" she asked.

"Sure," he said.

They waited in companionable silence until the kettle whistled and she poured him a cup."Well?" she asked, raising her eyebrow.

Mark doused his tea with cream and took a sip. "I screwed up... I cheated on Lexie." He didn't tell her it was with Amelia... that wasn't the point.

"Oh Mark." Carolyn sighed.

"But I'm going to fix it."

"You are? And you came all the way to New York to tell _me_ this?"

"Lexie got a fellowship in D.C. I have a flight in a few hours."

Carolyn's gaze softened. "So you do love her," she said.

"I do."

"What are you going to do? Propose?"

"And scare the crap out of her?" He grinned, "No... but I made a list... I talked to Derek the other day and... I think he'd be impressed." On the flight over, on a bar napkin, he'd scribbled down his ideas to woo Little Grey back to him.

At the mention of Derek's name, Carolyn looked down at her tea. "I imagine he had a lot to say."

"Hm." Mark said, remembering Meredith's Drunken night at the cementary.

"How is she?" Carolyn asked, "Meredith."

He knew Carolyn worried about her. He knew she blamed herself... there was a lot of that going around. After the accident, Carolyn had arranged the funeral for the baby, she took care of all the expenses, she'd stayed with him until Meredith woke up. But Meredith had refused to see her. So wracked with guilt, she remained silent when Carolyn tried to talk to her. "It still haunts her... everyday. But she's trying to move forward I think..."

"She won't talk to me." Carolyn said.

"She doesn't know what to say... she blames herself."

"Don't we all?" and there was a trace of bitterness in her voice. "I'd love her like my own daughter, Mark, if she'd let me..."

"I know..." he replied.

They sipped their tea. From the living room, the old grandfather clock chimed. The furnace kicked in, warm air blowing over his socked feet. "Wanna see some pictures of Sofia?" he offered, brightening at the thought of his rambunctious child.

Carolyn's expression lit up. "Would I?"

xxx

"What the hell?" Alex said as he stared at the patient in front of him. A girl. A little girl, but she looked... she couldn't be... was she pregnant? She couldn't be more than ten or eleven years old.

"Oh... it hurts." she said, curling up on the bed, wrapping her arms around herself.

"Get me the ultrasound..." he snapped to Warren. As he tended to the girl, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, but he ignored it. "Where's her parents?" he snapped.

"I don't know..." Warren said, "She was found outside the hospital."

"What? Somebody just left her there?"

Warren shrugged. "I don't know."

Alex shook his head. "Look at her hair, she's got a dutch braid... somebody cared about her. Takes a long time to do a dutch braid and not have it fall apart. I know... I used to try it on my sister..." He picked up the ultrasound wand and the jelly, smearing it on the girl's stomach.

She moaned and squirmed again on the bed.

"Shh, it's okay, just stay still," Warren said, his hand gently caressing her forehead.

Alex watched the ultrasound monitor anxiously. Sudden relief hit him when what he saw on the screen negated his earlier suspicions. "Oh thank God," he said.

"She's not pregnant." Warren confirmed.

"No, but that's a massive tumor... How the hell did they let it get this big?" Alex looked down at the girl with compassion. This was crazy. Crazy and stupid. How did everything go so wrong for her?

"We're gonna need another surgeon," Warren said.

"Page Mer," Alex said.

"She's in surgery with Zola," Warren replied.

"Damn... Bailey? Webber?"

"They just started a liver transplant in OR three."

"Crap." Alex sighed. "A shunt surgery shouldn't take long right? The tumor can wait a few hours... let's put her on morphine and call CPS in the meantime." He made his way out of the room, reaching in his pocket for his phone, he should probably text Jo, this might be an all-nighter.

But he stared at the message he'd just sent him. Who the hell was Fred Martin and what the hell was happening with Amber?

xxx

For the first time in a long time, Meredith was nervous as she stood over the skull of the small child. She hadn't done anything remotely Neuro in a long time... but a shunt repair surgery was fairly simple in the grand scheme of things. It wasn't like she was resecting a difficult tumour.

"Grey?" Arizona asked.

"Just give me a minute!" she snapped.

"Ookay..." The pediactric surgeon scowled.

Suddenly feeling bad, Meredith apologized, "Sorry... I just-" She shifted on her feet a little, cracked her neck, and started the incision. "I never thought I'd see her again..."

"Again?" Arizona asked.

Meredith carefully drilled a small hole where she'd be placing the new shunt. "After my accident... I watched Zola get her first surgery..." she didn't know why the heck she was telling Arizona this. They weren't exactly friends, but for some reason, she felt like sharing this little tidbit. "I visited her a couple times." She shrugged. "I guess... I dunno, she was alone, I was alone, and after I lost my baby, being around her... kinda made me feel better."

"Wait- you visited Zola back then?" Arizona asked.

Meredith looked up from Zola's skull. "Yeah..."

"That was you?"

"Umm..."

"No... it's just, I remembered the nurses talking about how at night Zola would cry and cry, but we were so short staffed because of the shooting, they couldn't always get to her right away, and when they finally checked on her, she was already asleep."

"Catheter," Meredith called, holding her hand out. She didn't really know how to respond to Arizona... they weren't exactly close.

xxx

Arizona regarded Meredith as she worked on Zola. This revelation from her was surprising. What she knew about Meredith was that she was hardcore. Since her return to surgery after her accident, Meredith seemed to focus on being the best. She was still good with patients, as she'd always been... but just- detached?

She made a small incision in the opening where the shunt would drain. The two of them began to thread it through. As Arizona worked, she glanced up at her colleague. Meredith was focused, but there was something different in her eyes, something she couldn't place.

"So..." Meredith asked, "What's going to happen to her? I mean after?" And Arizona couldn't help but hear the brokeness in her voice.

"Well-I," Arizona started, about to inform her of her decision to adopt Zola.

"I mean, she can't go back to Africa... that's just cruel." Meredith interrupted. "Nobody deserves to be alone."

Arizona sighed. "Callie and I-" she started again.

"I called CFS you know... I thought maybe I might I could- I thought- well there was this girl, Anna... she's really adorable. So I-I called about her..." Meredith sighed. "Forceps," she said. "I guess I'm a little too late, there's a family already interested. I'm on a list... but I'll probably never get a shot- I work too much, I don't have any experience with kids... and I mean it's not like I had a good example growing up, my mother had all the nurturing of a steak knife."

"You want to be a mother?" Arizona asked. She never realized.

"I don't want to die alone, Robbins. But I don't know how much I have left in me..." She met Arizona's gaze before quickly looked back at Zola's skull, "At least you have Sofia," she murmured.

At least she had Sofia... Arizona swallowed nervously. "Um, well Callie and I, well, we're looking into adopting Zola actually."

Meredith stopped her stiches. "Oh!" she said. "That's... that's good." Meredith whispered. "Four-oh silk please, Bohkee..."

Why did Arizona feel like she was taking something that didn't belong to her?

xxx

Maggie squinted at the computer screen. She couldn't believe she was doing this. "I'm a criminal. This is... this is illegal."

"What? No it's not!" Wilson said. "It's _your_ password..."

"I just feel like I'm invading someone's privacy."

"She's your mother. Okay... when were you born?"

"November of 1983..."

"So you would've been concieved in what? Spring of eighty-three?"

Maggie nodded, but she pushed the computer away. "I can't do this... I'm... I'm going home... This was a bad idea, this whole thing. I don't need to know anything more... I have a family. A funny goofy, lovely family who loves me. In Boston." She started to stand, but Wilson put a hand on her knee, stopping her.

"No!"

"What?"

"Well... you're just so close. I was abandoned, okay? And unlike you, I didn't didn't a nice happy family that adopted me. I got to surf around. Lotta fun that was. And I know Grey hasn't exactly been accepting of the situation yet... but- I mean, if I could have a chance to find out why... if I had a chance to talk to my mother or some brother or sister and I don't know... understand them? I would give anything for that. And you're here now, the answer's right in front of you. Tell me that in another five or ten years, you won't regret it."

Maggie regarded her colleague. Her resident. How did this pretty young thing get so smart? She made sense. Of course she did. And if she didn't figure this puzzle out now, it would bug her the rest of her life. She just couldn't put it down.

She shifted in her seat, pulling the laptop closer. She stared at the screen, steepled her fingers and sighed. "Alright Wendy, Let's do this..."

"It's Wilson!" she snarked.

"I know... I'm just teasing you." Maggie replied.

Wilson shook her head, "Whatever, let's do this..."

xxx

Owen ran after Amelia, but lost her down the hall. Where did she go? He fumbled with his pager for a moment before he gave up. She should be here somewhere right?

Unfortunately, after twenty minutes of frantic searching, he couldn't find her. Where could she have possibly run to? What was wrong with her? Did this have something to do with her brother's death? He sighed and sent her a text. _You Ok? Txt me._

Why was he so attached? He shouldn't be... it was still so soon. He still missed Cristina. But somehow... Well, Amelia kissed him. They made out... bigtime. It had caught him off guard. But that kiss... he couldn't get her out of his mind. She put everything into that one kiss. And now...

He just couldn't let go.

Owen made his way to the attending lounge to change, he was off shift now. As he pulled on his jacket, his phone beeped.

 _Across the street, at the bar._ Amelia had sent back.

 **A/N:** And there you go! Another update! Just couldn't get it out of my head! Please review! And happy Greys Day! Don't worry about Zola and Anna, they will get where they belong :) Oh, and if you haven't checked out my story **Ferryboats and Scrubcaps** , you should! You're missing out if you're a Derek fan!


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N:** Thanks everyone for reading! Special thanks to Patsy, mandyg67, Greysfannn and the-cari-moose for your comments! Hopefully I can break 100 reviews with this next update!

Here we go!

Owen pushed through the crowd in the bar, looking for a familiar head of chestnut hair. "Excuse me," he said as he slid past a couple more people. When he arrived at the bar he saw Amelia at the far end, nursing a drink.

Concerned, he made his way to her stool and sat beside her. "Hey," he said.

"Hi," she said, sliding her fingers up and down the glass of her drink. He knew she was in recovery and in AA and that just by being there she was putting herself at risk... even though it looked like she hadn't even take a sip.

"What... what happened? Are you okay?" he asked.

"I can't believe it's been five years and I'm still a mess," Amelia said.

Owen nodded slowly. What could he say?

"Derek was in a motorcycle accident... he was fine, he walked away from it, but- he was in the accident because he was coming to see me. To find me, because I was partying with my friends... and then, later I stole his prescription pads and crashed his mustang... and I overdosed. I stopped breathing for three damn minutes. And everytime I try and put the pieces of myself together- somebody gets hurt or dies-" She stopped and stared at the glass. "What's the point? Why do I do this to myself? I could've been happy Owen, I was _engaged._ But I broke it off to come here... why? I didn't set out to become department head- I have no ties to Seattle, I was doing great in LA- but Meredith Grey calls and says hey, come up here in case Lexie decides to run off to Washington and I do it... like some blind puppy... And now I'm here, and I have to tell a mother of a little kid that his dad died, that her husband died... It's like hearing it for myself all over again. Why am I here? I'm a mess!"

When he was sure she was finished venting, Owen put his hand over hers. "You're not a mess. In the OR, talking with that patient..." he shook his head, "You weren't a mess, you were a top of the line professional. And... I don't know why you're here, but I have a little sister, she followed me like a little puppy dog too, and I think... if something happened to me, she'd want to know everything about me. She'd want to know my friends, my work... maybe this is what you're doing here, I don't know. But, I am glad that you are here. It's good, that you're here."

Amelia sniffed. She pushed the drink further away from her. "I don't need this."

Owen smiled. "You know, it's not raining... we could go for a walk."

"Yeah, I think I'd like that."

xxx

"Oh my God..." Maggie said as she stared at the scanned file on the computer. _Patient admitted with wrist lacerations,_ it said, _patient unaware of pregnancy._

"What?" Wilson asked peering over her shoulder.

"No!" she snapped the laptop shut. "This is private!"

"Okaay..."

"Sorry, I just... I saw something that I don't think I should've... Needless to say, I think I understand why Meredith can be a bitch."

"Hey! you're supposed to be on my side here!"

"I'm not on anyone's side, I just... I have so many questions, and I don't think Meredith is going to answer them." She ran a hand through her hair and sighed. "Wilkins, get me Richard!"

"Wilkins? It's _Wilson!_ and I'm not some dammned secretary, call your own sperm donor father!"

Maggie smiled and shook her head. "Wow, that was- wow. You really brought the thunder there."

Wilson brightened at the compliment, "Thanks."

With that, Maggie stood up, "I'm gonna call a cab, Richard's probably in surgery."

"You're gonna talk to him right now?"

"Yeah... I have to figure this out. When I start a puzzle, I don't stop until I finish it."

"Whatever," Wilson said as she stood up to walk her out.

xxx

Meredith finished wrapping the bandage around Zola's head. She fought the urge to pick her up and hold her. God, she'd grown so fast, her little chubby cheeks were nearly gone, but her beautiful brows and tiny nose still remained.

Normally a resident would be involved in the post-op care, but she took charge this time for just a few quiet moments with the girl. She checked all her tubes and wires, and made sure that the inscision sites were clear before covering her with a blanket. "All set," she whispered. Gazing at the four-year old, she couldn't help but wish for her innocence. "You're so lucky..." she murmured. "You don't know about the world yet..."

Her pager beeped, and she sighed. 9-1-1 from Alex. It was going to be a long day.

xxx

Callie walked down the halls to post op recovery, where she was supposed to meet Arizona. She had some good news and she wanted to share it. Since Arizona had been working with Dr. Herman, they'd barely had time to just sit and be themselves. She was hoping, after Arizona's surgery and their appointment with the social worker, that they would have some time together.

She found her looking through the glass of the recovery ward, still wearing her pink scrubcap, her arms folded over her chest thoughtfully.

"Hey, what's up?" she asked Arizona.

"Oh. Hey," she smiled back, but there seemed to be no joy behind the smile. She turned to look back through the window. Callie followed her gaze. Inside the small room Meredith Grey was carefully bandaging Zola's head.

"Shouldn't a resident be doing that?"

"She insisted." Arizona said.

"Grey?" Callie asked, raising an eyebrow. Who would've thought Medusa had a soft spot for African kids? Or any kids? She'd just seemed so detached before.

"Callie... I think we should talk." Arizona started.

"Yeah, look Arizona, I have some great news, Hunt and I are going to be working on a project for war amputees! I just got the funding today!"

"Wow! Really? That's...great."

Callie pursed her lips together, "You don't sound happy."

"Well, we're adopting a kid, and I'm doing this fellowship with Herman, and Mark's gone for who knows how long... can we actually do this?"

"What? Of course we can, Arizona..."

"I mean, Zola has special needs, she's going to need specialized care... physio, braces. And we'll have to make sure she gets along with Sofia, and they're going to be doing home checks and background checks... and-" she turned back to the window, "I think I made a mistake."

Her words sliced through Callie's heart. "You think adopting a kid is a mistake?"

Arizona sighed. "I don't know... I- I was trying to make you happy. I was trying to fix us."

Callie wrapped her arms around herself. "So this adoption idea was just a band-aid for our relationship?"

"No! Well- I uh" Arizona stammered.

Callie shook her head, "I knew it, I knew you weren't one hundred percent sure of this. So now you want to back out?"

"I just think-"

"So you're not going to adopt her?" Meredith asked as she exited the room.

She was met by gaping stares from the couple.

"You know, you don't have to have everything to be happy," Meredith continued. "You don't have to be everything. You have Sofia. And Mark. You have great promising careers and decent sleep at night. Isn't that enough? Isn't it enough to wake up next to the person you love?"

"Meredith-" Callie started, this wasn't any of her business.

"Don't Meredith me!" she snapped. "I know you're good people, loving people, but Zola is not a band-aid. She's not something that you _add_ to your life just so _you_ can be happier, like some new toy or piece of furniture." Her gaze turned to the sleeping girl. "She _is_ your life. She should be everything... and if she's not..." she shook her head. "I have to go," she muttered as she stormed away.

"Meredith,"Callie called. _Damn girl,_ she thought, before she turned to Arizona. "What are we going to do?"

xxx

"Okay..." Richard said as he finished the final cut on the liver lobe he was resecting. "Everything looks good, let's put this on ice and get it to Bailey," he said to the nurse, who nodded and followed his instructions.

"Dr. Webber..." someone said, causing him to look up from his patient.

"Mag-uh Dr. Pierce," He said awkwardly as he regarded his daughter. She stood in the OR covering her face with a mask. "I didn't expect you to be here..."

"I just- I really need to talk to you."

"Okay," He wondered what this was about. "Can you close?" he asked the resident across from him. "Finish his post-op care and report back to me."

"Yes sir," he said.

Maggie met him in the scrub room. "Is everything okay?" he asked as he ran water over his hands.

"Please tell me that Ellis Grey didn't try to kill herself."

How did she know about that? Richard flashed back to several years ago when Meredith told him. The hurt and blame in her eyes clearly put him at fault, and it was a wound he long thought healed until Maggie brought it up. "Uh... how do you know about that?" he asked, trying to give himself a few moments to think of what to say. What do you say?

"It doesn't matter... it's just- it's-"

"Unbelievable?" He suggested.

"She was a gifted surgeon, she had a veritable pick of spots all over the country, but she was willing to throw it all away?"

Richard sighed. "Ellis and I were in love. Very much in love. That day, the day she attempted to take her life, we made a pact. I would leave my wife, and she would leave her husband. She left Thatcher, but... I stayed. I chose to stay with my wife... because I was sure that I would be jealous of everything she ever accomplished. So, I ruined it."

"And she slit her wrists." Maggie said.

He nodded, "Meredith called 9-1-1. She was just a kid, Maggie, five years old..." As he wiped his hands with the towel, he said, "I don't think she wanted to die, I think... it was a cry for help. But I didn't know a thing about it. Meredith told me a few years ago. After her attempt, Ellis went to Boston... and that was it."

"Richard..." Maggie said slowly, "We could've had a whole different life..."

Her words hit him harder than he ever thought possible. A whole different life. He would've raised Meredith and Maggie, Ellis in his bed every night. A big house, the world at their fingertips. "It was my fault. All of it." He sighed. "I'm sorry."

Maggie nodded. "I think I should go now. I'm... tired."

He wanted to call her to him, try and fix it, but he knew this was the kind of thing that needed time to fix. He only hoped Maggie would stay around so he could.

xxx

Meredith finished her exam on the girl, Nadia. "There's free fluid build up, we don't have time for a CT, we have to go in now!" As Alex and Warren prepared her for transport, she noticed the dark haired woman hovering outside the room. "Excuse me," she said, "I'll meet you up there."

She walked toward the woman wondering... was this the mother? How could anyone let this happen? "Are you Nadia's mother?"

"No... I just, I just want to know if she's okay..."

"No, she's not okay! She's got a ten pound tumor inpinging on her internal organs! She could die! How could you not notice..."

"I'm sorry," the woman sobbed. "I was afraid they'd send us back-"

"That's called medical repatriation, and we don't do that here," Meredith responded.

"I was terrified that they'd send us back, and I'd become a prostitute, or even worse, they'd make her... I swear I never meant for this to happen. These thoughts, they make you crazy. I was so scared, and after awhile, I convinced myself, that... it wasn't real. After a while, I didn't see the tumor... I just saw what I wanted to see-"

 _You're five years younger than me, I would've known if my mother was pregnant!_

 _Meredith, please... don't- don't call them... don't._

 _Are you the brave girl who called 911?_

She shook those thoughts away. "I have to go, this isn't over."

xxx

"Argh!" Jo growled when the doorbell rang again. "Go away!" she said, but still she marched down to the door and opened it a crack. She peered out and saw a young woman with light brown hair and very familiar eyes standing on the porch, with a suitcase and a big bag. "Yeah?" she asked.

"Um... does Alex still live here?"

"Who the hell are you?" Jo asked, although she had a nagging suspicion.

"I'm his sister, Amber... I was wondering if maybe I could crash here for awhile?"

Damn. What was up with everybody and their sister?

 **A/N:** Dun Dun Dunnnn! Please review! Ideas welcome! Also just updated **Off the Carousel,** if anyone is interested!


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N:** Thanks so much for your patience readers! I had to get some things out of my head regarding **A Fight to Remember,** as that story is just starting to get reaally amazing! But, I haven't forgotten you all over here either! I broke 50k word count and 100 reviews last update, thank you all so much for your support!

I know you are all wondering about Anna, and I haven't forgotten about her! We will see her soon! But for now, Zola is here!

Thanks to: Patsy, Mandyg67, and Camilla Grey for your comments!

Onward!

Washington D.C. was _so_ not Seattle, Lexie surmised gripping the handrail of the train as it shuttled her through a tunnel on the way to NIH headquarters where she'd be starting her fellowship.

For one, everyone wore suits. And was preppy. There was the faint scent of men's cologne all around her. She sighed. The train rattled along, and she swayed as it curved slightly. She'd barely been gone a couple days and already she was missing _him._

 _Okay Lexie, seriously, get a grip,_ she thought. _This is about your career now... This is about you. You have to stop thinking about Mark. Stop thinking about his gorgeous eyes, that delicous mouth- the way his kisses just-_

 _Argh! Stop it! Stop it!_ Lexie chomped on her lip. She swayed with the train and stared blankly at the dark window. _Think about brains. Yes brains. Brains and their neurons and synapses... Yes, I am gonna be mapping the brain. That's right, me. As in moi... Dr. Lexie Grey, will be solving all kinds of neuro-related disorders with this new technology. Imagine... A cure for Parkinson's or Autism, or being able to hook the brain up to a computer chip if someone is paralysed or deaf or blind to help resolve their deficits. Yes. Yes... you Lexie Grey, are on the forefront of breakthrough medical technology. They chose you. They picked you. Why? Because you are freaking brilliant!_ Lexie nodded resolutely as she stepped off at her stop. She pushed her chest out, thrust her chin up, and vowed to walk with confidence into NIH.

Except her stomach rumbled. Oh... she was so hungry. Like an Oasis in the dessert, a bagel cart beckoned. Perfect! And only a couple people in line. She didn't want to be late. Lexie shuffled over there and dug in her pocket for change. She stared at the menu... so many choices. Pumpernickel? Really? That was a bagel? Huh.

"Um..." she said as she approached the stand, counting her change. "I'll have an everything bagel with garlic cream cheese? And a coffee, please..."

"Absolutely!"

That voice. What? Lexie looked up, those broad shoulders, that beautiful back. It couldn't be... it wasn't... she bit the inside of her cheek as the man turned around.

She blinked in shock as Mark handed her the warm toasted bagel. "A good day starts with a good breakfast!" he said with a grin. "That'll be five dollars please..."

Oh God...

xxx

April rolled over in bed and sighed. She looked at the clock... it was early yet, but she felt... she had a feeling... She rubbed her eyes and sat up, causing the mattress to shift. Jackson shifted beside her. She hoped she didn't wake him. He looked so cute when he was sleeping. His whole face relaxed, and there was no tension in the light creases on his forehead. Finally she got up and went to the bathroom, her urge to pee greater then her desire to stay in the warm covers.

After she finished, she padded over to Noah's room to check on him too. They always kept the door open a crack and the hallway light on for a little reassurance for Noah. But he was fine. Sprawled in his big boy bed, shirtless of course, he resembled his father with that same peaceful face. She tiptoed in and sat on the corner of the bed and stroked his soft curls. She didn't know why she felt so... weird, but the feeling seemed to be going away. Maybe it was just hormones.

Noah shifted and blinked. "Momma?" he asked.

"Hey sweetie," April whispered. "Go back to sleep."

He closed his eyes for a minute, but then opened them again. "Momma..."

"Yes?" she asked.

Noah sat up and turned around so he could lean against her. He pressed his ear against the tiny bump that was forming with the soon to be newest addition to the family. "Is the baby sleeping?" he asked.

April rubbed the small bump. "Yeah, probably..." she said. She was sure it would be very soon that she would start to feel the baby move inside her, supposedly, on your second pregnancy you could feel movement sooner, and so she was excited for that. Anytime now.

Noah put his hand on her belly too and rubbed it. He scrunched up his face, his forehead and nose wrinkling.

"What are you doing?" April asked.

"Makin wishes," her son said.

"Making wishes..." April trailed off.

"I learneded it in payschool," Noah said, "You rub..." he rubbed her abdomen "And then the genuis comes out and gives you a wish!"

"Okaay..." She would have to make a mental note to talk to the playschool teachers. What exactly were they teaching her son? Although she was pretty sure it was just harmless fluff. Maybe they were reading Aladdin or something. She hugged Noah, and kissed the top of his head. "What are you wishing for?"

"Issa secret," he said, putting a finger to his lips.

"Okay." She said. Whatever did he wish? She rubbed his back and they sat there together for awhile, until she felt him relax and his breaths go deeper. Gently, she tucked him back into bed and kissed his cheek. "Goodnight," she whispered.

She rubbed her eyes and scuffled off back to bed. When she settled in beside Jackson, he turned and wrapped his arms around her.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

April smiled, bringing his hand around her stomach and putting her own over his. "Mmm hmm, I am now."

"Okay," he said, before falling back asleep.

A few moments later, all worries banished from her mind, April drifted into peaceful slumber too.

xxx

"You paged me?" Richard asked as he entered the scrubroom.

"Yeah..." Meredith said, rapidly running a nailbrush over her fingernails. "Do you have my mother's journals? From the spring of '83'?"

"Yes..." he said slowly.

Meredith regarded Richard carefully. He'd been there that night, when Maggie had told her that she was Ellis Grey's daughter. She'd denied it, refused it... because she would have known right? She would've known if her mother was fat and then not fat? And what did Maggie Pierce want from her? It seemed everyone wanted something from her. Lexie did, at first... when she first met her. Earlier this week with Owen, when he wanted her to talk to this patient... and now Pierce. "Can you get them for me? I just want to see... I dunno, maybe she wrote something in there that you missed."

"All right," Richard nodded. "Is that it?

Meredith looked out at the girl in the OR. "I remember this day... We were at the park, at the carousel, and you were there, and I think you were arguing... do you remember what she said? What you said?"

Richard sighed... "That... was the day I left your mother. That was the day I chose Adele. Ellis... I was jealous, of all she accomplished. All she could accomplish. And I thought... I thought I would always feel this way, so-"

"You ended it."

He nodded. "Yes."

Meredith swallowed thickly as _pick me, choose me, love me..._ ran through her head. She was more like her mother than she ever thought. "And then, we went home... and she attempted suicide..." _Blood on the kitchen floor. Her mother lying unconsious. The white corded telephone. "My tried to kill herself."_

"Yes. I'm sorry Meredith, truly, I am."

"I know..." she whispered before walking through the OR doors. "Just bring me that journal."

xxx

 _Four Years Ago:_

 _She was still in the pysch ward. It'd been more than the required 72 hour hold. They'd come in, asked her all these questions, checked off all these boxes, and left. And she was still here._

 _Richard's bellow still haunted her. "You don't get to spend the rest of your husband's life being a quitter! You don't!"_

 _She was restless, but the weight of her pain prevented her from wanting to expend any energy. She just drifted there... not wanting to die, but not really wanting to live either. Maybe she could just stay like this... maybe they would give her some more drugs and she could disappear. Just float, drift._

 _Richard came back after he yelled at her. He didn't say anything. He just dropped off a couple of black books. Her mother's journals._

 _Like she wanted to think about her mother now. If her mother was here..._

 _But she wasn't. And George was dead. And Izzie left. And Derek was shot to death. And her baby... she killed her baby. And Zola was in Africa._

 _She was a virus. An infection. A disease. People died when she got too close. Or they left. What was the point anymore?_

 _She heard the door open but she didn't care. It was probably the Psych doctor, what's his name? She didn't remember because she didn't care. They were probably going to keep her for another two weeks, or maybe a month... she just lay there, staring out the rain-streaked window._

 _She heard the door click closed, but didn't respond. It was only when she heard that voice that she cringed. It was absolutely the last person she wanted to see._

" _Meredith." Carolyn said, "Meredith, dear."_

 _She resolutely remained fixated on the window. She heard a shuffle and a sigh of Carolyn's breathing as she sat down._

" _Mark called... he was worried about you, and I happened to be in LA visiting Amelia, so I thought I would drop by."_

 _That's nice. Come and visit your broken post-it widowed daughter-in-law who killed your grandchild. Yeah, good idea. Just come here and remind her of what she took from you because she was stupid. And now she can't even hold herself together. Meredith swallowed thickly and tried not to cry._

" _It's not your fault, what happened to you wasn't your fault."_

 _But it was._

" _I don't blame you at all..."_

 _But I do, everyday. Everytime I close my eyes... Meredith thought._

" _I know what it's like..." Carolyn continued. "To lose someone that you love so deeply. To lose them so traumatically."_

 _Meredith felt a hand on her shoulder and pulled away. She didn't deserve any human touch. She was a killer, she killed things... Derek said so once. Maybe he was right. She couldn't let Carolyn in. She just couldn't. It would just bring more pain._

" _Meredith..." Carolyn called. "You can't go on like this. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that even though there is suffering in this world, there is also joy. Fourteen grandchildren will attest to that. Even when there is death, there's life too, and you have to embrace that. You must."_

 _No, it's not true. Meredith Grey? Harbringer of death and loss. "Please... please just go," she finally whispered. She could hardly bear it anymore._

 _She heard a sigh. But Carolyn didn't move. "What's this?" She asked. Meredith had to turn her head to see what she was doing. Carolyn was looking at one of her mother's journals. "A surgery can fail for any number of reasons, whether from the patient's morbidity, to the surgeon's ineptitude..." she read aloud. When she looked at Meredith over her reading glasses, Meredith looked away. "That's rather morbid," she said. "But true. From what I hear, this hospital is full of excellent surgeons. Excellent doctors. Who fought tooth and nail to keep you alive... more than once." The chair scraped against the floor as Carolyn stood up. Meredith heard a soft 'thud' as she put the book down. "Do you know why?" she asked._

 _Just go... please just- she couldn't-_

" _They believe in you. They believe you have something to offer the world. I didn't believe that, not at first. Of course, you were only a rumour then, vague gossip on the tips of my daughter's tongues. But Derek was so passionate about you, so protective. He said you saved him. He was drowning... he was drowning in his own self centered world, but you opened him up, and he learned to live again."_

 _And then he got shot._

" _I can only say...that whatever he saw in you must still be there. Otherwise, you wouldn't have made it this far. So stop doing this to yourself. Stop hating yourself. Blaming yourself. You have the ability to save lives. Someone should benefit from it, don't you think?_

 _I raised you to be extraordinary! Not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life!_

" _Please..." Meredith whimpered. "Please, go."_

" _You told me once that being with Derek made you extraordinary. You still can be.. you always were, you must have been, to have caught Derek's eye to begin with. Ellis was an extraordinary surgeon I hear, and these journals... must be glimpses into that incredible mind."_

" _Carolyn-" Meredith warbled. Why? Why did she have to say all these things... she didn't want it. Hope. She didn't want any hope._

" _I know you don't want to live. But I also know you don't want to die. So... you're just going to lay there? Be a bump on log? Collect dust? I don't accept that. Derek wouldn't accept that. Your friends at the hospital won't accept that. They'll nag you worse than me. They'll push you until you break. And then what? I find your miserable existance at some diner serving coffee, a bitter woman. I much prefer you a little less bitter, holding a scalpel, doing what you were trained to do... save a life."_

 _She heard the flipping of pages... "What's this about islet cells? Sounds interesting. Could make for a good read."_

 _Meredith bit her lip and clutched her bedsheets, she was about to call for a nurse when she felt a thump on the bed. Her mother's journal slid over her knees. "Well, goodbye Meredith," Carolyn said. And that was it, she was gone._

 _Meredith swallowed and wiped her eyes. For a long time, she just lay there, afraid that she'd come back. But Carolyn had really left. Her fingers found the worn moleskin journal and she picked it up, slowly she turned to the first page and started to read. Islet cells? What the hell was so special about freaking islet cells?_

xxx

"This tumor is invading everything. I'm literally peeling it off the spleen." Meredith remarked as she cut through another layer of the tumor. Carefully she lifted it out and handed it to Warren who slipped it onto the scale.

"And it's seven-point-eight pounds."

"Seven-point-eight-pounds of lousy parenting," Alex said. "But she's got a dutch braid, it's like a french one, but harder to do. Only a saint, or her mother would take the time to do something like this."

"Metz," Meredith called.

"She takes the time to do her daughter's, hair, how the hell does she let her develop an eight pound tumor?" Alex asked.

 _These thoughts... they make you crazy. I was so scared, and after awhile, I convinced myself that it wasn't real, I didn't see the tumor, after awhile, I just saw what I wanted to see..._

Meredith blinked. _Do you want to hold her?_

 _No, absolutely not. No._

In her minds eye, she saw blood on the kitchen floor. And then she saw her mother, clutching her pregnant belly, amniotic fluid spilling on the floor.

She gasped and shook the memory away.

"Mer?" Alex's voice pulled her from her thoughts.

"Well, you and I know a thing or two about crazy mothers..."

"Yeah..." Alex muttered.

Just then, a loud rapid beeping caught her attention.

"Dammit, it's impinging on the left hepatic vein!" Meredith worked quickly on the girl's insides.

"Laps!" Alex called as the girl's belly began to fill with blood. "More!"

"She's bleeding from her liver. Warren, Suction!" She dug in, feeling... searching with her fingers, her eyes, "Clamp!" But it wouldn't do... it wasn't working.

"Dammit, hang another unit of blood," Alex shouted.

The beeping continued. Meredith focused. There had to be another way... another method. "Balloon tamponade!" she shouted.

"What?"

"Get me a Foley Catheter." There wasn't time to discuss it. A balloon tamponade should work to control the bleed.

"Inflating the balloon," Alex pumped the balloon before handing the catheter to her.

With a quickness that she never realized she possesed, she threaded it through the bleed, another pump, and...

The rapid beeping stopped... sinus rythm. Meredith panted.

"Mer, that was... How'd you do that?"

She stared at the girls insides. Warren looked amazed as he continued to finish suctioning. The whole thing had happened in less then a minute. "I don't know..." she said. But she did know. Because she'd read it, studied it. Forced herself to live and breathe surgery for the last four years. What else did she have?

An hour later, finished her surgery, she made made her way to an on call room. This whole day had been a mess. It was dark when she arrived, and she thought she was alone. She sighed and sat down on the bed, fingering Derek's ferryboat scrubcap. Slowly she released a long exhausted sigh.

"Hello?" someone called from the bunk above her.

"What?" she snarled. Darn. She wanted to be alone.

"Meredith?"

Oh. She knew that voice. "Pierce," she said. Oh... could this day get any harder?

"Oh..." Maggie said. There was rustling, and she climbed down from the top bunk. "I'll just go... I'm sure you want to be left alone."

Well that was nice of her. Meredith rested her palms on her knees, watching Pierce from the corner of her eye. But as she reached for the doorknob, Meredith couldn't stop herself. "Pierce, wait."

Maggie stopped at the door and turned around slowly.

Meredith couldn't look up at her just yet. "I... I remember now, I remember my mother being pregnant."

xxx

 **A/N:** Thanks Everyone! Love you all! Please Review!


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N:** Thanks again everyone! Love you all!

Enjoy!

"I...I remember my mother being pregnant," Meredith said, and Maggie swore her heart stopped. She didn't know what to say, so she waited.

"I remember moving to Boston," Meredith continued, avoiding eye contact. She scrunched the scrubcap in her hands. "I remember the two of us basically hiding out in an apartment. And I remember she cried a lot, and her belly got big... and I wasn't supposed to make any noise... and then her water broke on the kitchen floor and that scared me because-" she stopped and looked up, eyes watery. "It scared me. And we went to the hospital, I was there, and I heard a baby cry, and I heard my mother cry," Meredith's voice broke slightly, and she put a hand to her abdomen, causing Maggie to flinch as she remembered the photo she'd found earlier.

"Meredith..." she said softly.

"And then we went home, and her belly wasn't big anymore, and I just started first grade. She was Dr. Ellis Grey and I was just a kid in school." Meredith finished. "So..." she sniffed,"You're my sister."

 _You're my sister._

Maggie released the breath she'd been holding. "Why... why didn't you tell me earlier?" she asked.

Meredith's eyes narrowed, "I honestly didn't remember, Pierce. Not until today... Something happened before you were born... and I blocked it out."

Something happened. _Patient admitted with wrist lacerations..._ Maggie recalled. She blinked, cleared her throat and stepped closer to Meredith. "Listen..." she started, but Meredith kept talking.

"I'm sorry I acted so harsh with you, and... I'm sorry I barfed on you. I just- It's a lot to process... and sisters? I'm historically bad with sisters, just ask Lexie. But you came here to find out about your mother, and you should... so please don't let me scare you away." She moved over and patted beside her, inviting Maggie to sit down on the bed. From her labcoat pocket, she pulled out a thin black book. "She wrote in these journals, obsessively," she said, flipping through the pages. "Usually at night, with a glass of wine. But here-" she pointed to a page, "I think this was after she found out she was pregnant, because the wine stains stop- and she wrote down what she ate. She wanted you be okay, she wanted to be healthy." Maggie felt the worn leather under her fingertips as she flipped through a few of the pages. "It's surgical notes, ideas mostly. She... wasn't so warm. But even after she died, reading these made me focus... made me become a better surgeon... I'm still finding things out about her."

"So... I can keep this?" Maggie asked. She read a line, _Our lives are built on our mistakes, as much as our successes,_ and could only imagine what more could possibly be revealed in those pages.

"As long as you like." Meredith said, she smiled a little. "I have more too."

Maggie looked into Meredith's eyes, and saw... something in there, a spark... a glow. Something was different about her. "Thank you," she said sincerely. She flipped through the journal again. It was nice... to finally know where she came from.

xxx

Jo sat on the couch, idly twisting a strand of hair as she stared down Amber, trying to figure her out. Since she'd arrived here a few hours ago, she hadn't said anything much. Just that she was in a 'little' trouble and needed help. For her part, Amber had ignored her, flipping between reality shows on the television. "So," Jo said, "Who's Fred Martin?"

"None of your business," Amber replied in a way that sounded too much like Alex already.

"But it is my business. He's my boyfriend, my friend, and we've been through a lot together, and I know you're going to hurt him-"

"It's not _your_ business, he's _my_ brother, and I'm sure he can decide for himself what he can handle."

"Just tell me- what are you running from?"

"I'm not telling you anything- you don't know me."

"I know what it's like to jump from home to home... to never feel like you belong- to make stupid mistakes that follow you around-"

"Listen, unless you're a Karev," Amber shook her head, "You don't know anything."

God, she was a vault. "Whatever," Jo said, but she continued to give Amber the evil eye.

xxx

Alex ran home as soon as possible. Jo had texted him that Amber was there. His heart was racing, what could possibly happen in Iowa that made her come all the way here? He pulled up in the driveway, gratefull it seemed that no one else was home. But now his anxiety was sky high. He was sure this wasn't a social call. This had to do with that Fred Martin dude...

He gripped the knob, taking a moment to prepare himself before opening the door. And then he entered.

Jo was on the couch, she nodded toward the kitchen, "She's in there," she said. He nodded, took two steps toward the kitchen, and then he stopped and turned back to Jo. He bent and kissed her, drawing whatever strength he could from her.

She rubbed his chest, "I love you," she said, and he felt it all the way through his bones.

He kissed her again, breathing in her sweet floral scent, "I love you too." He took off his jacket and entered the kitchen, ready as ever for whatever bomb Amber was going to drop on him.

Amber was sitting at the kitchen table, gripping a coffee mug while resting her chin in her palm. She'd grown up so much, she didn't look like a teenager anymore. Even though it'd been a long time since she'd been a teenager. It'd been a long time since he'd seen her... and she was beautiful. "Amber..." he said, causing her to look up.

"Alex," she said, trying to smile but failing.

Something was wrong, definitely wrong. "Are you okay? What's wrong? Amber?" He walked up to her and pulled her into his arms.

"Please don't hate me..." she said.

Alex shook his head. "You're my sister, I can't hate you." He said. "I might not always _like_ you... but- just tell me what's wrong. You're a Karev. We don't do secrets."

Amber sniffed and nodded, "Right," she said. She fiddled with the mug in her hands. "Your girlfriend said she texted you about Fred..."

Alex nodded, "Yeah, who's Fred?"

Amber sighed and held her head in her hands... "Oh God," she said.

"It's okay, just tell me."

"He's a private investigator. He's looking for me... because I saw something... when I was in foster care, one of the- anyway, they want me to testify in court, and... I'm scared."

Sudden concern and anger coursed through him. What the hell happened to her? How come he didn't know... "Did somebody hurt you?" he growled.

Amber shook her head and leaned into him. "It's really complicated, and- I just don't know what to do..."

xxx

"So... you said you have a sister," Amelia said to Owen as they sat in the truck outside of Meredith's house. It was something that nagged at her the more she thought about it. Did Cristina, his ex wife know he had a sister? Did Meredith know? It only bothered her because, well, Derek always made a point to mention his annoying sisters, so why didn't Owen? Although it wasn't like he was hiding it from her, more like... Don't ask don't tell, right? Or something like that...

Owen sighed... "Yeah, I don't talk about her much," he said.

"Why not?" Amelia asked. "I mean, if Derek had the chance to mention his bothersome sisters, he usually brought it up, with his usual scathing sarcasm, of course." She smiled to try and lighten the mood.

"Well, I'm not Derek," Owen said, a little harshly.

Amelia stopped the sarcastic 'ookay...' that was about to erupt from her lips. She nodded instead.

"Sorry, that- I didn't mean to say it like that." Owen quickly apologized. He shifted in the truck so he could face her. He gave her a slow careful look, like he was evaluating her. _Can I trust you?_ he seemed to be asking without words. Amelia offered her best sympathetic trusting look in return, dipping her head slightly, but meeting his gaze. She took his hand in hers and rubbed his knuckles. "Megan's in the middle east," Owen said, "she's a trauma surgeon, like me... she followed in my footsteps. Every one of them." He smiled. "I just... I don't talk about her because then I have to talk about the middle east, and the nineteen people that died when I was over there last and, well that's over There. And I'm not over There anymore, I'm Here. So I don't talk about it. Or her." He sighed and looked down at his hand.

Amelia kept rubbing his hand. The familiar calloused fingers of a surgeon, the careful hand of a doctor, a healer. She felt the need to say something, reveal a bit of herself, even the score so-to-speak, "I don't like to talk about... Derek, sometimes, because... he was shot... and... my dad was-" she tried to hold back the frown that was forcing itself on her lips, the well of grief at the back of her throat. "Shot too... for a _watch._ Derek was there... I didn't see what happened, but- I couldn't move... I think, I think Derek was protecting me..." she sniffed. "So... yeah... it's okay, you know, to not talk about talking about things."

When she looked up, Owen was so close to her, his eyes full of... trust, and feeling... and- The kiss was sudden and explosive as Owen's lips tugged and teased, invading and probing, And Amelia, lost in it all, returned the feeling. It felt so right.

xxx

"Is Meredith right?" Arizona asked Callie as they sat in the cafeteria.

"Look, Zola is not going to be a new piece of furniture in our house okay? Of course we can love her, and take care of her just like we do with Sofia. I mean... if you still want to adopt her..."

"If _I_ still want to adopt her?" Arizona said, immediately regretting her tone. She was picking a fight now... great, just what she needed. "What about you? You're the one who wanted another baby..."

"And you said that you wanted a dozen kids with me, after the shooting, remember?"

"That was..." That was impulsive and not really thought out and she said that because she was never more grateful to be alive with the person that she loved the most in the world and she never wanted to lose Callie over an argument over a kid. "Spur of the moment," she said. "When people get shot and die and you see your own mortality in front of you, you say things... and I didn't want to lose you, so of course I said that stuff."

Callie frowned and stabbed her salad. "So you didn't mean it," she said. "You know, I should just face the fact that you never wanted kids. Face it, Arizona, you don't want kids."

"I... want you. And I will always love Sofia... and I want _us_ to be happy." Arizona said, "I thought that... I could be happy if I made you happy, but apparently that's not working..." she muttered before taking a sip of her coffee. "What's wrong with us? It's like... I- I'm obsessed, Callie, with trying to make up for my mistake... and you... I-"

"What? You still mad at me for cutting off your leg?" Callie said, raising an eyebrow, "Breaking a promise? Mad at me for trying to fix you?"

Why did Callie have to push her buttons? she wanted to move past that. She thought they could... but then moments like this happened... and it all went to crap. Her pager beeped. "Zola's awake, I have to go." She stood up and picked up her tray.

"Arizona-" Callie called, and she stopped and turned. "I'm obsessed too..." Callie said with a faltering smile. "With trying to make you happy." She stood up and took a few steps closer, "Let's stop jumping into things... Grey was right about one thing, it should be enough to wake up in bed next to you. Because I love you... and it should be enough. I want that again, Arizona..."

She nodded, and parted her lips a little, "So do I," she said softly before she headed to the door.

xxx

Maggie didn't know how she ended up in paeds, she must've gotten turned around somewhere, but she didn't mind because she wasn't on duty and she liked being in paeds, it was a cheerful place. She stopped and looked at the babies... so cute. Then she noticed a familiar figure staring through the window of a private room.

Considering all the progress they'd made that day, she hesitantly wandered over. "Hey," she said to her newly found sister.

"Hey," Meredith said, still staring at the little girl in the big hospital bed that Arizona was checking over.

"Patient of yours?" she asked.

"I... umm yeah... I put a shunt in her this morning."

"Oh, I didn't know you did neuro too..." she said.

"I know some, and I was the only one available at the time."

"That's good." Maggie said. But she wondered why Meredith standing outside the room and not inside.

"She's from Africa..." Meredith blurted, "An orphan from Africa, and it sounds like they're going to send her back there again, to the orphanage, because certain people can't get their act together-" she stopped suddenly. "Sorry, I'm rambling."

"It's okay." Maggie said, looking at the little girl, who was staring at Meredith curiously. "Wait, you said again? She was here before?"

Meredith's grey eyes met hers, and they looked sad. "Yeah, once. But... I don't know if anyone wants her now so..."

Maggie was very confused. This was not the Meredith she knew. The Meredith she knew was a rock. Hard and cold and standoffish and... not like this. Not on the verge of tears. Again, the picture of a happy smiling _pregnant_ Meredith flashed through her mind... There was more to Meredith than what was on the surface, Maggie realized. "Did... you ever want kids?" She asked tactfully.

"I..."

Maggie could see the flight response initiating so she just continued talking... "I mean... Ellis loved me enough to give me to a loving family. My silly goofy parents who hardly understand me at all sometimes... but they love me... so much. And I don't begrudge her for a minute that she gave me up because I have that love and I was _wanted._ "

Meredith put her hand on the glass and rested her forehead against it too. "I... want to... I want- to love someone," She said, her breath fogging up the glass. "I'm not Medusa, Maggie, I know you think I'm like, some kind of bitch or something, but... I'm not."

"You've just been hurt." Maggie said with understanding. There was a reason Meredith didn't have a child with her now.

"Yeah..." came the whispered reply.

Slowly, Maggie reached out and put her hand on Meredith's shoulder. She flinched.

"Do you love her?" Maggie asked, nodding toward the child in the bed. From inside the room, Arizona regarded Meredith carefully.

"Her?" She asked, surprised. "I..."

"Wanna know a secret?" Maggie said, gazing into the African child's eyes. Meredith and this girl, they were kindred spirits, she could tell. "Love hurts, but it also heals." Underneath her hand Meredith trembled. Maggie took the chance, "Why don't you go inside and say hi..." she said.

xxx

 **A/N:** Thanks! Please Review! Oh, and Please note, I'm not entirely sure when Megan was 'lost...' in the current greys timeline. So here, she's not lost... but who knows what will happen?


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N:** Thanks all! Special thanks to mandyg67, whomaslany, Patsy, and Cristina. Things are heating up in this chapter...

Enjoy!

Arizona adjusted the blanket over Zola. The girl's vitals were normal, everything was fine. Zola was going to be fine. But, was _she_ fine? Arizona sighed. She thought she had the answer to her and Callie, but now... not so sure. She thought expanding their family was the answer, but the truth was, she was losing what she already had, and it would be unfair to put Zola in the middle of that. Right?

She was double checking her IV when the door opened and Grey walked in. "Hey," she said. "How is she?"

"She's doing great. No sign of any complications." Arizona smiled, patting the blankets.

"That's good," Meredith stepped closer to the bed and sighed as she gazed at the little girl. Zola had drifted off to sleep again.

"You, um..." Arizona cleared her throat. "I think you were right... what you said," or rather, growled at her earlier. It had been bugging her all day, "about- a child being everything."

"Oh." Meredith said softly.

"Callie and I- we just want each other to be happy, and I guess we're just trying to figure that out."

"Yeah," Meredith mumbled, but her gaze was on Zola. "Do you think... Do babies remember?-Ugh. Nevermind." Meredith shook her head.

Where was Medusa Grey? Snappy, impatient, focused, surgeon Grey? Who was this person in front of her? Meredith seemed spaced out- lost in herself. Arizona decided to be blunt. "Are you okay?" Arizona asked. "Grey? What's going on with you?"

"I'm... I'm leaping."

"Leaping?"

"Look, I don't know, Robbins! All I know is... I've lost everybody I've ever deeply loved. And the last time I was in this room four years ago, they told me Zola was gone for good, and I- I don't know... I'm just- It hurts, but I can't stay away! Maybe I like pain, I don't freaking know! In a couple days she'll be gone to where? Malawi or something? And I'll probably be emptying another bottle of tequila and barfing on my sister again- and-" she panted and stifiled a sob. "But I-" Meredith shook her head and drew her arms protectively around herself.

Even though Meredith tried to hide it, Arizona saw... Brokeness. "You love her." Arizona realized.

"Why does everyone keep saying that?"

"Because you're here. You're accepting the pain of loss just to be here. For _her._ " Arizona stated, suddenly realizing something about her own situation. "That means you love her." She swallowed. She'd seen that look of brokeness before... on someone else.

"I do?" Meredith squeaked.

Arizona considered her colleague. Meredith been through a lot, built a lot of walls, big Medusa sized walls... but leave it to a tiny human to break through them. She didn't know Pre- shooting Meredith very well, but she remembered that she was a lot more hopeful, and she smiled a lot more and... she believed in love. "It's okay to leap," she said.

"Landing is really gonna hurt." Meredith said, sitting beside Zola.

"Maybe... it doesn't have to." Arizona murmured to herself.

"Huh?"

But Arizona had to go, something compelled her. She walked to the door, "Uh... nothing. I have to- I'll check on you guys later," she said as she headed down the hall.

xxx

"Are you ready Noah?" Jackson asked his son as he reached for his hand. "Big day today." He was taking him to daycare, and they had a special trip planned.

"Yeah, we goin to the park, have pic-a-nic, go look at aminals..." Noah trailed off excitedly as Jackson helped him up the steps and through the door. "Can't you come?" His son pleaded.

He wanted to, he'd tried, but even as they spoke, there was a patient that needed him in the ER, April had just paged him a few minutes ago. "Well, I have to help somebody," he kneeled down to look Noah in the eyes.

"You gonna fix a face?"

"Yeah bud," he said. "Something like that."

Noah sighed.

This was the hard part, not being able to be there. "Hey, hey..." He pulled Noah close and hugged him. "You're going to have a lot of fun at daycare, okay? And... when you get back, we'll build a fort in the living room, and you can pile all your toys in there. Mom can make us some sandwiches..."

"Yeah!"

"Okay." He pulled away and stood up, tousling Noah's curly hair. Another parent passed him, a little girl in tow. Jackson blinked, was that- was that Anna?

"Anna!" Noah called, running after her. "You're back!"

Huh. What a small world.

xxx

Alex leaned against the counter in the kitchen. "Amber, just tell me."

"Okay... But if you yell or judge or punch something, I swear I'll leave, and you won't see me for a long, long time."

Alex sighed and stroked his chin. "Alright, fine."

"I was sixteen when I met this guy, Brent..."

His heart skipped a beat. He swallowed, pressing down his anger. What the hell happened?

"He was the son of the Anderson's, the foster home I stayed at."

The Anderson's... he didn't remember them. He hadn't stayed there. Amber never mentioned them before, maybe because at that time he was in his last year at college before med school. He was really busy. He shrugged. Amber sat down at the kitchen table and put her head in her hands.

"Did he-?" he gritted out.

"No..." Amber shook her head, "He didn't hurt me..." But tears were starting to form.

He gripped the edge of the countertops causing his fingers to hurt. The bastard must've done _something_

"We... were seeing each other, and then one day, I cut class and came home early... "Amber continued. "He was there with this other foster girl, Tara. She just got there like a week ago. I heard noises from his room, it sounded... it sounded like he was hurting her."

"Fuck," Alex gritted his teeth.

"I saw him... he- he-" she swallowed and couldn't finish her sentence.

"He raped her?"

His sister nodded, a soft shuddering sigh escaping her lips. "Tara saw me, but I don't think he did. I didn't do anything... I didn't try and stop it... I just.. left. Grabbed my stuff and ran away. And then..." Amber wrapped her arms around herself.

"What?" he stepped closer and pulled a chair out to sit across from Amber.

"I found out I was pregnant with his child."

The sky opened and a huge solid weight like an anvil hit him. "What?" he gasped.

xxx

Lexie stared at the screen. With her mouse, she manipulated the image of the brain to different angles as she 'painted' certain areas. She was marking areas where certain genes were expressed. With this knowledge, if someone had a genetic disposition for a certain disease, they could determine where in the brain it would most likely effect. She sighed, and clicked, and clicked, and clicked. This was a lot different than she expected, but it was only her first day, so...

Click.

Click.

"Lexie Grey..." someone said.

"Huh?" she looked up. Standing beside her was a man just a couple years older than her. Dark hair and eyes, slightly pale face.

"What? Photographic memory not working?"

"Chad?" Chad... from Harvard. They'd been in the same classes together. Study buddies, or more likely study enemies, they'd competed against each other, fought for extra credit, glared at each other before exams. He'd come in second to her though.

"Thought you were gonna be a surgeon."

"I am." She stuttered. "A surgeon, I mean. A neurosurgeon." A freaking board certified kick ass surgeon.

"And you gave that up for brain mapping... interesting." He said, stroking his chin.

"I didn't give it up. I still am a surgeon, but this... this research-" She gestured to the screen.

"I know, pretty amazing isn't it?" Chad said quietly, with a touch of admiration in his voice.

"Yeah." Lexie said with a smile. "So... you chose neuroscience huh?"

"My dad has Parkinson's..."

"Oh."

"Yeah... It just takes one, right? What about you?"

"I-" Lexie started, but all she could think seemed lame in comparison. _I like the challenge... I have photographic memory and it would be useful for this kind of research. Change of scenery. I need space from my boyfriend- etc._ "A lot of reasons..." she said, smiling.

"Well, maybe we could go for coffee sometime. Catch up."

"Coffee? I mean uh, coffee... yeah. Coffee. Coffee is good." She nodded several times. _As long as McStalker doesn't pop out of nowhere._

xxx

Callie carefully set the artificial leg down and typed some information into the computer. Hunt was making her do this presentation tomorrow, and she wanted to be ready. She pressed a button on the leg, and the motor hummed as it flexed slightly. Excellent.

"Calliope," Arizona said from behind her.

Calliope. It had been a long time since Arizona had called her that. She turned to see her wife in the doorway.

"Hey." She greeted. She swallowed nervously. Things had been tense between them and she _hated_ fights. She hoped she could restrain herself from saying or doing something hurtful.

"Can we talk?" Arizona asked, taking a few steps into the lab.

"Yeah, sure." Callie said, although she focused on the circutry in front of her. She stopped when Arizona put a hand over hers. She looked up slowly into Arizona's brilliant blues.

"I'm sorry." Arizona said.

"For what?" Callie asked.

"You... cut off my leg-"

Callie dropped her screwdriver and blinked. Huh? Arizona was apologizing for her leg being cut off? What?

But Arizona squeezed her hand and continued. "You cut off my leg... and all I thought about was how it hurt _me_. But- it hurt you too, didn't it? You- had to make this _choice._ This _terrible_ choice, between saving my life... and-"

"Breaking a promise." Callie said, her voice cracking.

"A stupid promise."

Callie swallowed. She didn't really know what to say or think. What was Arizona saying?

"I was... really selfish," Arizona continued. "I took it out on you. I didn't see-" She squeezed Callie's hand. "I didn't see... That you did it because you love me."

"Yeah... well, love hurts." Callie stated bitterly.

Arizona sighed, a sob in disguise. "I-I know. So... I'm sorry. For hurting you. I was scared," Arizona continued, "When I lost my leg, my whole world shifted on it's axis, and all I saw was... how you looked at me. I thought you were looking at me like I was broken, but... you were the one breaking. I was breaking you. Callie... I didn't get it. I'm sorry I didn't get it until now."

Callied looked up at Arizona in disbelief, she raised an eyebrow. She was confused, she was angry, she was relieved... Arizona was saying things she'd never thought she would hear. She was admittng her part in this... _whatever_ it was. For the first time in a very very long time, Callie didn't know what to think or say or do. She was in shock. "I... don't know what to-" she sighed as she turned in her stool. "What does this mean?"

"I don't know."

"Arizona, do you... do you really want to adopt Zola?" she asked her wife. Arizona visibly deflated, her plush lips parted slightly and her shoulders drooped. Callie knew her answer then. "I can be... I was pushy about kids. And you never really got a say with Sofia. Adopting Zola right now isn't the answer," Callie said, finally stating her doubts out loud.. "We need to be a team, and... right now, we're not."

"Oh." her wife replied. "I... was thinking of, well... I was thinking of giving up my fellowship. Spend more time together..."

Callie thought about it for a moment. Arizona was a kick ass surgeon, she'd worked hard to get Herman's attention, Arizona couldn't give this up. She shook her head, "No."

"No?" Arizona's voice hung with a pang of disappointment and confusion.

"Arizona, I'm not going to be responsible for you losing something else. Your leg, the miscarriage, Zola, No. Not this time. You worked too freaking hard to get that fellowship and I'll be damned if you give it up for me. I don't want you to give that up."

"But-"

Frustration boiled in her. They wanted so much. They wanted... everything. But what was everything anymore? Meredith's words echoed in her mind... _You have Sofia. And Mark. You have great promising careers and decent sleep at night. Isn't that enough? Isn't it enough to wake up next to the person you love?_ "I don't know!" Callie exclaimed. Because the wounds were deeper than a band-aid could fix. "I don't know how we fix this okay? I am thankful for your... apology, but I just don't... know what to do."

Arizona tucked her hands into her pockets. "Okay," she said nodding.

"Okay." Her voice sounded hoarse and wounded.

"Um, Janet the social worker is here. I guess we're canceling our appointment?"

"I guess so." Callie said quietly while she gazed at Arizona, mystified at the feelings churning within.

xxx

Meredith leaned forward when Zola shifted in her bed. The girl snuffled and wiped her eyelids before looking up at her.

"Hi," Meredith smiled, nervous.

"Hiii" Zola said, eyeing her curiously. Arizona had said that she didn't know much english but it didn't really matter.

Meredith bit her lip and slowly reached over to cup the girl's cheek. Her hand hovered for a split second before dropping down to caress her. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

The girl just shrugged and sighed.

"I know... brain surgery sucks," she said. "But...you- you're strong. I knew it when I met you. You're strong... and, I'm here, and... we'll get through this. We're a team, you and me." She swallowed and pushed away the thought that soon Zola would be gone and her heart would break again.

Zola just watched her. Meredith imagined it must be weird having this babbling doctor at her bedside. She reached up and pulled a glove out of the sterile box over her head. "Wanna see something cool?" she asked. She pinched the opening of the glove into a small hole and blew into it like a balloon. It stretched, the air filling up all the fingers and bloating the palm. She tied the bottom into a knot and grabbed a marker from her labcoat pocket. On the smooth surface, she drew a smiley face in the middle. "Look, it's a guy with spikey hair!"

Zola grinned and reached for it. Meredith happily handed it to her. "I practically lived in the hospital when I was little. I learned few things," she said, shrugging. Her gaze wandered around the room, looking for something else entertaining. She just wanted to see that brilliant smile again. "Hey, wanna take my blood pressure?" she asked, reaching for the blood pressure cuff.

Zola half smiled at the new 'toy' as Meredith wrapped the cuff around her upper arm and gave Zola the pump, gesturing for her to squeeze it with her hand. Zola squeezed, watching curiously as the cuff inflated around her bicep. "Oh, look at you, I told you you were strong."

Meredith heard a knock and turned in her seat. Arizona entered, another lady with a file folder following behind her. "Oh-"

"Meredith, this is Janet," Arizona interrupted.

Janet. The social worker? Her heart plummeted. Were they already needing to send Zola away? "She just got out of surgery. It's too soon-"

"Oh... Zola's not going back to Africa." Arizona said quickly. "At least... not yet. Janet is here... because, well _somebody_ expressed an interest in adopting her."

A strange jealous relief filled her. "Oh... so you and Callie are-"

"Actually... um, Janet is here to talk to you about Zola."

"Me?" Meredith asked, pointing to herself.

"Yeah... that whole leaping thing. I think now is a good time."

 **A/N:** Thanks for reading! Please Review!


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N:** I'm baaack! Don't worry, I'm still interested in seeing this through to the end... Just got a lot on my plate now, and **AFTR** was all I could focus on for awhile.

Just a few plot notes... I just realized that in S7 Alex's sister was sixteen then, but I'm overlooking that for this story, creative licence and all...

Also, I'm introducing Penny Blake in this chap. Here, she is a fourth year resident... because she plays an important role later. And be nice people! She's not the same Penny Blake that was involved in Derek's accident... so... no flames about that...

Anyway, onward!

 **SIX WEEKS LATER:**

Amelia covered her sleeping boyfriend with a blanket. Boyfriend. She had a freaking boyfriend. Owen had come over late last night, exhausted from surgery. They'd cuddled on the couch and watched late night TV over popcorn. They'd done something normal. Relationship-y. She didn't even know when the kissing had turned into something more, and the rides he gave her were more frequent, and there'd even been morning coffee... and morning-

"Ahem," A familiar voice interupted her rambling thoughts. Meredith.

"Oh," Amelia said, padding into the kitchen. "Hey," she said. It had been an interesting few weeks living with her sort of sister in law. Meredith had been... well she'd been under a lot of stress over the pending adoption of Zola. Amelia never knew Meredith had so many insecurities about... well, about being a mother. There'd been background checks, and home checks, and work checks... and _parenting classes._ But Meredith had plugged through all of them, and Amelia was happy for her. She hoped that she could be a sort-of- Auntie, Zola was adorable.

But Amelia kinda hadn't mentioned much about her and Owen. And this was his first time... staying over.

"So..." Meredith sighed, gesturing to the snoring doctor on her couch. "You and Owen?"

Amelia picked up a coffee mug and dumped a couple teaspoons of sugar into her cup while she waited for the coffee to percolate. "Yeah, me and Owen," she said.

"Okay," Meredith said slowly.

The way she said 'okay' bothered Amelia. Why couldn't she just be happy for her? Owen was a good guy. "I know he's your best friend's ex. I know you're looking out for him..." Amelia said, "it's just-" she swallowed hard, "I moved here to build a new life. You know me... you know what I lost. You lost the love of your life, you've cried over Derek. You know how much that messes people up. We both had to claw our way back from it. I'm not like you... I'm not all put together yet, and Owen knows that, and he's okay with that, so you should cut me some slack."

Meredith's cup banged sharply on the table, "You think I'm 'put together?'"

"Mer, you're adopting a freaking kid!"

"I don't know that... I don't know if I'll get her. " She shook her head, "I'm not judging. You don't think I haven't thought about what it would be like... to love... a man again? To be loved? To share my life with someone?" she laughed bitterly. "'Put together?'" she shook her head. "I'm trying so hard... to put one foot in front of the other. Just so I can pass one more stupid background check, one more evaluation, one more home check. I'm not 'put together,' Amelia. I see you... and Owen together and-" her voice broke. "You got a second chance," she breathed. "Don't ruin it. Especially with him." And with that, she picked up her coat and travel mug and stormed out.

xxx

"Well," Jo dusted off her hands, "That's it. That's the last of it." She looked around at the now fully furnished loft. Her heart pounded with excitement. "I can't believe it! We're moved in!" She clapped her hands. "Alex?" she asked, looking behind her.

Alex sat on the couch, a bottle of water in hand, staring blankly out at nothing.

"Alex?" Jo asked again, waving her hand in front of him.

"Huh?" he blinked.

"Are you okay?" she asked. "Is this about Amber?"

"She stayed two days and then she freaking ran away! Nobody knows where the hell she is!"

"Alex..." Jo plopped beside him and rubbed his thigh, "It's not your fault."

"Of course it's my fault. I left her. When Aaron went all psycho and my mom..." he shuddered. "I left them..."

"She's just scared."

"I'm her big brother, I'm supposed to protect her, and I screwed it up Jo! She doesn't trust me to protect her. How can she... Why? It isn't supposed to be like this! This isn't how it's supposed to happen!"

Jo bit her lip. She wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him what Amber told her before she left. But she couldn't. She promised. And... she had secrets of her own that she couldn't bear to reveal right now. She hated this. She understood Alex, but... she also understood Amber. She took his hand in hers, her fingers tracing the strong bones and muscles of a fighter. "You just have to trust her. Trust that you've taught her enough to protect herself... maybe, there was something she needed to protect too."

"Like her daughter?" Alex asked quietly. "Is that what this is about?" He sat up, leaned forward, and rested his forearms on his thighs. "Does she think her kid's in trouble?"

Jo shrugged. She couldn't reveal anything more. She just wanted Alex to be okay. And then she giggled as Alex kissed her neck, trailing down her shoulder. "Alex!" she swatted at him.

"Mm," he murmured, his breath tickling her skin. "I love you Jo. And I'm glad you don't have crappy family drama..."

"Yeah," she said as she kissed him back. _I want to tell you..._ she thought. _I want to tell you so bad... but will you still love me then?_

xxx

Lexie sat outside, scribbling in her notebook. "Urgh!" she grumbled loudly. Her hypothesis was completely wrong... now she'd have to start directly from the begining. She scratched in a big 'X' on the page and turned it over facing a new blank page. "Okay... I'll just... start again, right?"

"Hey. Need a pick me-up?"

Lexie jerked her head up, but floundered in disappointment when she saw who it was. Not freaking Chad. He smiled and offered her a coffee. "Chad... hey..." she trailed off, _please go away, please go away,_ she thought. What she thought would be a pleasant working relationship had been turning into a weird thing where Chad kept trying to ask her on a date without really asking her on a date. She'd told him she had a boyfriend. A hot hunk of a boyfriend, who kept sending her little miss you notes and cards etc. But Chad seemed to sort of live in denial. Thus the coffee.

"No thanks, I'm good," she said.

"Are you sure?" He asked, adjusting his glasses.

"Yeah... you know... too much caffine, bad for blood pressure... and hello, stress! Right?" She nodded nervously.

"Okay... Well can I sit here?" he didn't wait for her to answer, just stiffly sat on the bench beside her. "What are you doing? Are you working on that nerve bundle thing? I've got this theory-"

Okay. That was it. She was done with this. With him. He was just one of those guys who didn't get it. Oblivious much? That was Chad's name, Oblivious. McOblivious. No wait... he didn't even deserve a McNickname. She rubbed the bridge of her nose, a bad habit she got from Meredith. She sighed, her leg muscles tensed, preparing for movement. She was going to stand up... and just freak out on him... just friggin' freak out and scare him away. With a decisive nod, she stared at Chad, about to explode on him.

"I think that if the cells degenerate at a certain rate over time-" he was saying

"Chad-" Lexie started, pushing herself up to a standing position. Only... something bumped her in the leg. She looked down and frowned.

 _WHIRR- RR- RRRUMMM!_

A remote controlled car bumped into her. "What the hell?" Lexie demanded, looking down at the car as it reversed and pushed forward, bumping into her again. Taped on the top of the car was a red piece of paper, and in familiar sharpie scrawl, the words _... Follow Me._

The car reversed and turned away from her, quickly speeding away, down the sidewalk and around the fountain. Then it stopped, as if waiting for her. _Well?_

"Mark..." Lexie muttered under her breath, but secretly she was thrilled, and then she took off, following.

Chad also followed, curious.

The RC Sped it's way through the park, weaving between surprised pedestrians, before it went off road, rolling on freshly mowed grass up a slight hill. Lexie huffed and puffed behind it and came to the top of the hill.

On a red and white checked blanket was a large woven picnic basket. Mark reclined on his elbows with a remote control in his hand and a tablet propped up beside him. A half smile graced his features as he looked up at her with his sky-blue eyes. "Hey," he said warmly. "Need to take a break?"

"Do I?" Lexie grinned.

Just then Chad ran up to her. "Lexie... what was- oh-" he said.

Lexie swallowed and turned to him. "Chad... meet boyfriend," she gestured to Mark. "Boyfriend, meet Chad."

Mark nodded, smiled. "Hey," he said and waved.

"Um.. hey?" Chad said weakly. "I thought-"

"What? That I was single? That I made up my own crappy hand-written love notes? What?"

"Oh..." he said, nodding slowly.

"So... you can go now... Go on, shoo." She waved dismissively as she sat down on the blanket.

Chad still stood there. She ignored him and gazed at Mark.

"I brought your favorite. Dill pickle." he said.

"Yeah?" Lexie asked, but for once she wasn't interested in stress eating. God, she missed him. She missed him sooo much. She thought she could get away from him. She thought that was the right thing. Space. Research. Labs. But Mark had shown her that he cared. He'd given up so much for her. He was here on the other side of the country, for her, and only for her.

What had she given him?

She'd been an immature fool. Her gaze sank down, from his eyes, to his cheekbones, to his rugged jawline, to his lips.

His breath smelled like dill pickle. She almost laughed, imagining him eating her chips. Mark didn't eat chips. "You ate my chips?" she asked.

Mark's eyes glittered. "Yeah, a couple."

Lexie leaned in. "I love dill pickle," she said before her lips touched his and she tasted him.

xxx

Miranda Bailey bustled across the catwalk at a fast clip. She had a bone to pick with that man. That man being the Chief of Surgery. How could he do this? How could anyone in their right mind... She shook her head. That Man was not in his Right Mind. She would deal with this... she would.

She rapped loudly at the door, but there was no answer. Bailey tapped her foot, counted to three, and knocked again. She knew he was here. Was he just ignoring her? Damn that man! But this was urgent, something had to be done before Grey got here. Miranda clucked loudly, reached for the doorknob and let herself in. "Chief, I-" But she stopped as Hunt held a finger out while he talked on the phone. He turned around in his chair as if to give him more privacy.

"I understand..." he was saying. Nodding, he stood up and paced. "No, I understand sir... but if you could just-" He stopped, sighed, rubbed his eyes. "Of course. Nothing we can do. Yes. Right. Orders... I-I understand..." and then his usual straight posture slumped, and he sighed. "You'll... let me know? If you hear anything?"

Miranda shifted on her feet. Her earlier anger melted away, as she felt she was invading on some deep personal _thing._

"Okay... thank you sir. I'll be... I'll be in touch."

Hunt's shoulder's slumped with defeat as he dropped the phone onto the cradle. He uncharacteristically slouched in his chair and rubbed his nose. "What is it Bailey?" He asked, staring at the wall.

She stepped forward, thrown off her previous strategy of bellering at him untill he succumbed to her will. "Um... sir... I'm here about the new resident."

"Penelope Blake?" he asked, "What about her?"

"You checked her case files? You know... the hospital she worked at... before... here?"

"You mean, do I know that she was the intern on call at Dilliard when Meredith was brought in?" he turned to her, looking slightly pained that someone was questioning his authority.

"Yes, sir." Bailey said.

"Of course I know. And that is one of the reasons why I hired her."

"Excuse-"

"This is a _teaching_ hospital," Owen thundered. "Dillard is an understaffed, underfunded hole in the wall podunk hospital currently facing bankrupty. Blake rematched. She's the top of her class, she's an excellent resident and she deserves to be in a hospital that can actually nurture that talent."

"Does Grey know?"

Owen scoffed. "What? No. She was in a coma the entire time she was at Dillard, she's not gonna remember Blake."

Miranda raised her chin a little. "Yeah? What about Blake? What's she gonna do when she sees her former patient huh? What then?"

Owen rubbed his forehead and swallowed. "I guess we'll find out. She's on Grey's service."

"Mmm hmm..." Bailey nodded.

"Look. I'm not changing my mind. I'm not putting on kid gloves for her or for Meredith. Blake wants to work here... she'll have to face her past. Like we all do. We all have to face our past... our mistakes, and live with the consequences. That's it. Now, if you'll excuse me... I have work to do."

xxx

Penny hefted her bag a little as she strode quickly to the resident's lounge, she didn't want to be late on her first day.

"Um, hi." She said to the group gathered there. "Umm, so does anyone know where I can find Dr. Grey?" she asked. "I guess I'm on her service..."

No one really seemed to listen to her. One of them was throwing on her labcoat, and Penny caught the name 'Edwards' inscribed on it as she pushed past her. "She's in surgery. Check the OR board." she said as she marched off.

Another resident scoffed. "You're with Medusa?" she said, " _good_ luck with that."

"Better hurry," Another resident said, his nametag said Warren. "She hates it when you're late."

Penny nodded. Crap. She hustled over and shoved her things into a cubby before changing into the light blue scrubs. For a second, a brief half second, she stared at her own name embroidered on the white lab coat. This was her shot. Her best shot. She'd fought so hard to get out from Dillard and its politics. It was time for a fresh start. Shepherd Grace Memorial was where it was at.

She dashed out, throwing her labcoat on as she headed down the hall. Damn, she should've come earlier to get aquainted with the layout.

It was a good ten minutes before she finally found O.R one, where Dr. Grey, her attending, was wrist deep in a patient's abdomen. She watched from the gallery as the doctor worked quickly and efficiently.

"Dr. Blake?" The intercom blared. Penny jumped. Dr. Grey looked up at her from her position in the OR. "Scrub in," she growled. "I could use another set of hands here."

Penny nodded and scrambled to the scrub room as fast as she could. She scrubbed and stepped into the OR, holding her hands up to be towled dry and gloved by the scrub nurses. "What do we have?" she asked, eager to prove herself.

"Car accident," Grey said, holding her hand up for an instrument. "The spleen's bleeding out, we may have to do a partial splenectomy. Clamp, Bohkee," she called out.

Penny nodded. She'd done this a couple times. "Okay... so you want me to-"

"Clamp the splenic hilum Dr. Blake."

A clamp was passed to her. She couldn't quite see so she called for more retraction before placing the clamp directly on the hilum. And then she watched as the good doctor, 'Medusa' as the residents called her, carefully incsised the damaged portion of the spleen and stiched the tear back together.

She was in awe. Grey's fingers danced throughout the procedure as she cut, stitched and sewed. Finally, they were done. Grey sighed. "Okay... I think this one's gonna make it."

Medusa looked at her, and Penny wondered why they called her that. Dr. Grey did not seem stony to her at all. She seemed happy. Her eyes crinkled as she smiled under her mask. Penny followed her attending to the scrub room, pulling off her mask and reaching for the soap. "I'm sorry I was late," she said. "It won't happen again."

"It's alright. It's a big hospital, and I wasn't even expecting to see you until rounds anyway. You did a good job in there, Blake."

"Oh," a relieved smile burst through her nervous disposition, "Thanks." But why did Dr. Grey look so familiar? Maybe it was just one of those faces... But she didn't have time to dwell on it as Dr. Grey was already on the way out, giving her post-op orders and grabbing her labcoat on the way out of the dressing room.

Penny did the same, trying to keep up, trying to focus, make a good impression. She sighed with relief when they reached the elevators. Now she could catch her breath. Dr. Grey stepped inside first and turned around, pulling her hair into a pony tail.

Penny gasped.

Right along the top of Dr. Grey's hairline was a jagged scar. A scar she was all too familiar with. A scar that haunted her.

Grey, Meredith. Her patient from four years ago.

"What?" Dr. Grey growled, her earlier charm gone. "What are you staring at?"

 **A/N:** Thanks Everyone! I hope you all had a great Holiday Season. **Japril** Fans, if you missed it, check out my Christmas fic, **Twas the Night Before...**

Please review!


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N:** Well here we are! Life has been crazy, so updates will be a little farther between, thanks so much for your patience, my dear fans! Honestly, I'm just amazed at you all for sticking with me here! Thanks to Patsy, mandyg67, DarkAndTwistyGrey and gale123, for your comments, and everyone else for reading and fav-following.

This chap is Mer Centric, but the next chapter will have most of the other couples. I intended to combine them, but it was just... a lot and stuff came out when I was writing that I was like WTF? You'll see.

 **Enjoy!**

 _Six weeks ago:_

 _Meredith gaped at the woman in the doorway of Zola's room._

" _That whole leaping thing. I think now is a good time." Arizona said softly._

" _But-" Meredith pointed at Arizona, and then at Zola, who was busy squeezing the glove balloon she'd made for her. "You and Callie-"_

 _Arizona sighed. "Are working on our marriage... adding another kid? I don't think it'll help right now... but you... Meredith, I've seen the way you look at her. And I think it's time... there's something about you and her together that..." she shook her head. "Give it a chance, won't you?"_

 _Meredith looked back at Zola, who was curiously regarding the three people in the was happening here? Arizona wanted her to adopt Zola? But-_

 _Her previous call to family services about Anna had been a little impulsive. On the curtails of grief and loss of Derek and her own child. And now suddenly there was a social worker right in front of her, and there wasn't a list of people wanting to adopt Zola._

 _But she was dark and twisty. Scary and damaged. She'd already started to resign herself to the fact that she wasn't mother material. She couldn't be a mother. Could she? Her heart burned... her uterus ached._

 _Goddamn biological clock._

" _Meredith," Janet said, stepping forward. "So nice to meet you in person this time. We talked on the phone when you expressed interest in adopting Anna." She held out her hand._

 _Meredith shook it, nervous butterflies fluttering in her stomach. "Oh... uh, hi. Hi Janet."_

" _Why don't we step outside to talk for a minute?" She asked._

 _They found a quiet room, and Meredith's legs felt weak as she plopped down on the chair across from Janet. She wasn't ready. She didn't know what to say. The last four years... she was a wreck. And Janet would find out... about the depression and her love of tequila and her eighty hour weeks, and the frat house she called home, and the fact that there was no father figure in the picture and... her mother had all the nurturing of a steak knife and-_

" _So Meredith, tell me about how you met Zola the first time. I hear that's a special story."_

 _Her breath caught and she looked down at her fingers. "I um... I watched her being operated on... and there was a minute where her sats dropped, and she went into SVT. But before the doctors administered any drugs, she went back into sinus rythmn all on her own. I knew then that she was a fighter. Her and I, we were fighters."_

" _Arizona said you were in an accident." Janet commented._

 _Horrible memories slid to the surface. That scary screech of brakes and the devastating 'crunch' that followed. Waking up broken and empty. Struggling just to make it through one more day... just one more day._

" _Meredith?" Janet asked._

 _She looked up at the older woman and tried to bury those thoughts and memories away. "I was... it took me a long time to recover. But... Zola helped. Seeing Zola." She shrugged and let out a long breath. "I was eight months pregnant when I was in the accident and...she didn't make it, my daughter died."_

" _I'm sorry." Janet said quietly._

 _Meredith felt like bolting. She wanted to run. This was a mistake, a terrible mistake. She couldn't do this. It was stupid. Leaping? Yeah right. She was bellyflopping and she was going to miss. But her legs felt so weak right now she couldn't move off the chair. "Janet, I-"_

" _Tell me more about Zola," she pressed. "You visited her in the hospital?"_

 _Janet's redirection forced her to think about those few days she'd comforted the child. "She cried at night. I think it was because they laid her flat on the bed, and that led to a fluid build up in her brain, even with the shunt... so I just kinda, I would pick her up, you know? To decrease the pressure, and she would stop crying, just like that."_

" _You picked her up? Even while you were still recovering yourself?"_

 _Meredith shrugged. "I don't know... I didn't really think about it. I just wanted to help. And holding Zola... I guess, I felt a little less empty you know?"_

 _The social worker regarded her carefully, and Meredith felt a little like a bug under a microscope. She wiped the corner of her eye and stared at the picture of bright sunflowers behind Janet. Her palms felt sweaty, and she swore her heart was pounding seventeen hundred times a minute. What was she doing? What the hell was she doing?_

" _Do you want to be a mother Meredith?" Janet asked._

 _She met Janet's dark eyes once again, as she carefully considered what to say. If she was going to do this, really do this, she had to follow her own advice that she'd given to Arizona and Callie. Zola would have to be everything, and not just something to make her happy. Because there'd be busy days, and bad days, and her patience would be tested. And Zola had her own problems with her medical condition. She'd have to clean up parts of her life. No more late night tequila binges, no more frat house and strays. No more long hours at work. There'd be school, and she'd probably turn into a dreaded soccer mom with a minivan and some crappy soy half-sweet no-foam beverage. And she'd probably end up gossiping about the non-drama of all the other mom's at soccer practice and-_

 _But that was the point wasn't it? Because she wasn't truly happy right now anyway. She felt it. She was just drifting, an empty shell of herself floating along, and she wanted to be full. The only way she knew to do that, was to give something. Like that brief moment when she picked Zola up for the first time, she gave her relief from the pain. Or when, even after Derek died and she was pregnant, she still felt... full because she would be giving birth. Giving life. Giving love._

" _I won't lie... I'm a surgeon. A good surgeon. But I'm ready now... to give something. I want to be a mother. Honestly, I don't know much about it. But I can learn. And I'm a fast learner."_

 _Janet nodded. "You know what I saw today? I saw you trying to make a little girl smile. And from what you've told me... I think you do have the capacity to take on this new challenge. Now, there are things we have to do, paperwork, home checks, classes..."_

 _Meredith tuned it all out as Janet's words echoed in her mind._

 _'I think you do have the capacity to take on this new challenge.'_

xxx

"What?" Meredith growled at her new resident, "What are you staring at?"

Blake averted her eyes, and turned around to face the door of the elevator. "Nothing, sorry Dr. Grey," she said nervously.

Crap. "No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. I've got a lot going on." Like finding out if she'd be granted custody in a couple days. It was driving her crazy.

In front of her, Blake nodded.

"You saw the scar." Meredith said. "That's what you get when your head smashes into a window at eighty miles an hour." She'd hit the drivers side window. Just _Bam!_

"I know."

"You should, you're a fourth year resident."

"Yeah..." Blake said, but she wrapped her arms tightly around herself. Nothing Meredith had said seemed to put her at ease.

"I was in an accident four years ago." May as well mention it, just to clear the air. She'd be working closely with Blake and she didn't need any freak-outs. "Okay, what is it? You seem freaked out. We're going to the pit and I can't handle any freakouts today."

"It's nothing, I'll be fine." Penny looked at her and nodded. But she was so pale and shocked still, and that didn't help.

Against her better judgement, Meredith pushed the emergency stop button on the elevator. "How come I don't believe you?" What was she hiding?

"Dr. Grey, I-"

"Out with it, Blake."

"You're my _one._ "

"What?"

"The patient that you never forget. The one that you vow- if you could've done something different- you would. That was you. At Dillard. I was the intern on call. We weren't a trauma center, we couldn't-" She spun around to face the doors.

"You were at Dillard? Meredith asked, her voice a hoarse whisper. She hated that place. She cursed its name frequently. She heard it was going bankrupt. No wonder. But then she was the one who couldn't face her resident.

"Dr. Grey?" Penny asked.

"You were there? I was your patient?"

"My first major trauma. We weren't ready. There'd already been three other victims. I-"

Meredith considered it a miracle she was still standing. Her legs felt like jello. It was a miracle she hadn't throttled Penny Blake. _She was just an intern. Just an intern..._ she kept telling herself as Penny nervously rambled. The world spun around her as she tuned out the red-haired doctor's words.

She honestly didn't remember Dillard. The whole time she'd been there, she'd been under, in a medically induced coma. But, from what she heard... her baby died at Dillard.

"I'm so sorry, Dr. Grey," Penny was saying... "I'm sorry about your daughter. I wish I-"

The walls around the elevator closed in, squeezed, pressed. Meredith pushed the button to start it again as she tried to suck in oxygen. Penny seemed to shrivel under her death glare. When the elevator door opened, she wanted to run out, but she couldn't. Penny stood there, vacillating between the door and the hall. "Get out." Meredith muttered.

"Dr. Grey I-"

"Get out." She said louder,"Get out. Get out, get out!"

The poor woman stood there, trembling in fear. Meredith barely noticed Amelia approaching.

"LEAVE!" she forced out with all her remaining strength. "You're off my service. I don't want to see your face! Just leave!"

As Penny retreated into the long hallway, Amelia took her place, looking very confused and concerned. But all Meredith could see in Amelia was Derek. The way he looked at her when she'd done something wrong. When she'd failed him.

Everything just churned up all over again in her heart. All the pain. The whole mess was bad timing for Amelia.

"Meredith?" she asked softly, approaching her as if to comfort her.

Meredith knew she was jealous. It'd been creeping up on her bit by bit, but she'd started to let it go when she realized she could be Zola's mother. But dammit, Amelia had Derek's _job_ and was dating _Owen,_ and was living in _her_ house, preparing to help take care of _her_ maybe adopted kid. Being more of a _sister_ to Maggie than she was.

Doing all the things Derek was supposed to do.

Stab. Stab, stab, stab.

"Don't-" Meredith stepped back into the corner of the elevator.

"What was that about? She kill somebody?" Amelia asked in her usual sarcastic tone. She was trying to be on her side, but she just said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Amelia stepped onto the elevator.

What was that about cornered rats?

"Don't talk to me." Meredith folded her arms around herself and tried to gather enough strength to exit at the next floor.

"Seriously, Mer, you look like you've seen a ghost."

Yeah about that...

"Are you having a Derek day? I have those too. I get it. I miss him too."

Meredith stared at the wall.

"Oh, so you're ignoring me." She shook her head, and in a perfect Shepherd smile, she said, "You can't ignore me, I'm your sister."

Amelia may as well have carried a spear and stabbed Meredith herself.

"You're not my sister." Meredith muttered.

"What?" Amelia turned around sharply. "Mer, I'm right here. I've been here, all this time, right in front of you... _helping_ you. Supporting you. I've been there. I know what it's like to lose the love of your life _and_ a child. _You_ wanted me here." She paused, her eyes cold and accusing. "I know," she said, pointing to her face, "Is it this? I remind you of him? I have his face, his job... Your best friend's lover?"

Everything she said just seemed to push the spear in deeper. And Meredith knew she should be grateful, that she shouldn't compare but it just... she couldn't stop the deluge inside her. Especially the Penny thing. The Dillard thing. The baby thing.

Amelia wanted to say that they'd been through the same stuff, faced the same pain, that they were together in this...

But it wasn't exactly the same. "You got to see him. You got to see your baby. Got to say goodbye." The words tumbled out with a cracking breaking voice. " _It's not the same._ You think we're the same but we're not. Stop trying... to be like me. Stop trying to help me or share your pain or whatever... You are not my sister. You are Derek's sister, and Derek is Dead." Her words were cold and callous and hurtful, she knew it but she couldn't stop it. "Get your own life."

Magically, the elevator door opened, and Meredith pushed past Amelia, leaving her shocked and alone in the elevator.

 **A/N:** I know... I know... Please trust that I'll get you there. I do write happy stuff. It's just not this chapter.


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N:** Whew! What crazy busy week its been! I work in the service industry, and it was a long weekend up here in Alberta, and just... wow! Crazyness!

So here I am, in a donut shop, trying to ignore the crying babies and long busy line-ups with loud busy customers, to write this, because I'm so tired that if I try to write at home, I'll probably fall asleep and drool all over my computer.

But anywho...

Thanks so much mandyg67, Patsy, Melanie, gale123 and Ellen for your encouragement! Never hurts to leave a review, as it pushes me to try my best for my fans. And Patsy, thanks for your review of **Growing Pains!** Truly a pleasure hearing from you!

 **Enjoy!**

"Twenty something female carjacking victim... multiple lacs and contusions, open tibia fracture, hypotensive and tachycardic..." A paramedic wheeled the young woman in to a trauma room.

Jo looked up automatically when she heard the words 'carjacking.' Her heart thump-thumped in her chest.

"Wilson, you're with me..." Hunt called, slipping on a trauma gown.

She nodded, and followed the Chief over to begin examining the patient.

"My car... they took my car..." The young woman whimpered. There, in that moment, Jo was transported to her past...

 _Flashback:_

" _Hey you! Rugrat! Get outta the car! Get outta the car or I'll beat you."_

 _Jo snapped awake and stared at the angry face of a drunk. She clutched the steering wheel and shook her head. She had all her stuff in here. Her whole life. A laundry basket of clean clothes that she'd washed in the school laundry room, a couple hundred bucks she'd scrounged up from odd jobs, her school text books. School was the only thing she had going for her. No way was she going to give that up._

" _You gonna be like that huh?" the man sneered, and then tapped the window with a metal baseball bat._

 _Fearful panic set in, but she set her jaw and stuck her hand in her pocket and pulled out the tiny .22 caliber revolver, pointing the barrel upwards at the man. "Get the fuck away from my car, asshole!"_

 _The man immediately backed off, raising his arms in surrender. "Alright, Alright..."_

Jo shook her head. This was no time to relive her past. She had to help her patient.

"It's all right," Owen said, "It's going to be alright." He nodded as he palpated her abdomen. "Page Ortho. Wilson, let's immobilize that fracture." Owen ordered, and she barely nodded in acknowledgement.

"They took my car..." she said again.

"It's all right, it's replacable, everything is replaceable. You're alive right now, and that's what matters. What's your name?"

"Melissa," she said. "I work at office depo... I- ohhh- I just got the job there. I was asleep, I was asleep, and then they smashed the window... and then-" Melissa's eyes got glassy. "Everything was in that car..."

Suddenly the monitors beeped erratically and she fell unconscious.

"Dammit!" Owen shouted. "There's free fluid in her abdomen, there's no time for a CT. We'll have to open her up right now."

"Right now?" Jo asked, staring at the body before her.

"Unless you want her to bleed out?"

"No sir."

"Get me a laparotomy tray... let's go people!"

But even as she worked, Jo couldn't keep her heart from churning, she'd been so close, so close to losing everything. Now... she had her own place, her own bed... but still... did she still have Alex? What if the truth came out? Or what if he proposed?

"Wilson!" Owen barked, "Focus!"

xxx

April rubbed her belly tiredly as she rounded the corner to the attending's lounge. Trauma was crazy this morning, and this was the third time she had to pee, and she just needed a minute to herself, just to settle... relax. Jackson paged her here, and she wondered if maybe he could rub her feet or something.

"Dr Kepner!" Maggie called, "April!"

"Uh... Pierce?" April replied, turning to see the cardiothoracic surgeon jogging toward her.

"I've been trying to find you..."

"Oh, you need me for a consult?"

She shook her head. "No, I know this sounds weird because we're not exactly friends or anything, but I was thinking about Meredith and Zola, and I thought that if... well if she gets custody maybe we could have like a little party, and you could bring Noah..."

Suddenly the attending's lounge door swung open, "Oh! Why that sounds wonderful!" A pert and perky voice pitched. "Jackson told me Meredith was adopting, Oh... that girl has been through so much, what with the accident and all..."

April froze. "Mom?"

"April, I was going to call honey but Jackson told me you were busy with all that trauma ER doctor stuff. I didn't want to bother, but then I was thinking I missed my grandson, and I wanted to help set up the nursery, and Jackson... oh sweet Jackson has so many questions... He's just not like us Kepner stock is he? So I thought maybe we could have dinner... Oh my goodness, you've popped April. How is everything? How are your feet? You know Frieda from church says you shouldn't be up on your feet for so long.. Oh! And look what I found at the airport gift shop! Zoo animal decals! I thought they would be perfect for your baby's new room! Which I hope you plan on painting in gender neutral colors..."

April blinked. Ah yes... hurricane Karen Kepner had arrived. "Hiii mom," she said, forcing a smile. She didn't quite know what to feel at the moment. She was tired, a little cranky and hormonal, her feet ached and she _had_ to pee.

Her mother had ambushed her.

And again, before she knew it, she was being pulled into a tight hug from her mother. "Oh... um... good to see you?"

"Well, we'll talk later?" Maggie said, inching away.

April was about to pull a switcheroo and fiest her mother on Maggie, but Jackson popped up behind Karen, "There you are! Hey, Connie in OB says she'll be free for us to get an ultrasound if we want to go up there now..."

Darn. Party for Zola? Her mother? Dinner? Zoo animal decals? Gender neutral colors? Ultrasound?

April turned to Maggie when she was released from her mother's grip. "Yeah.. later." And then she turned back to her mother and Jackson. "Can I just..." she pushed through the two people who loved her most in the world, wanting just to plop on the couch and put her feet up and scowl and demand ice cream.

Except the couch was covered in toys, and baby stuff, and boxes...

"Oh, I got a little carried away..." Karen clasped her hands together, "Jackson was going to put this in his car, weren't you honey?"

Jackson beamed. "Yes, yes I was." He bent to kiss her on the cheek but she grabbed his arm. "Whoa," he said.

"No. No Jackson. You are not going anywhere. I know you love my mother, but YOU are going to clear off that couch right now, and I am going to the bathroom, and when I'm done, YOU oh husband, are going rub my stinky swelling feet while I sit here and demand my mother-" she glared at her mother, "goes to the cafeteria and brings me some ICE CREAM. And then... maybe, maybe... We'll talk about the nursery and 'zoo decals and party's and ultrasounds. Because if this doesn't happen in the next twenty seconds, I swear I'm gonna explode..."

Jackson and Karen shot each other a knowing look.

"Right then," Jackson said, walking toward the couch and scooping up a bunch of boxes.

"Which way is the cafeteria?" asked Karen as she shuffled to the door.

"Take the elevator to the first floor and make a left when you get off..." April replied, scooting to the bathroom and slamming the door.

After she finished, she sighed and stood in front of the mirror. She rubbed her swollen belly, smiling when the baby moved inside her, a little roll. "Oh, I know, we're a crazy bunch. But we love you so..." she said, smiling.

xxx

"Hope to hell you studied Robbins," Dr. Herman said as she stepped into the OR. "Glove me," she said to the nurses. "I will warn you, I did not sleep well last night, so my patience will be _thin._ "

Arizona swallowed nervously. Studied? Of course she studied. Her and Callie stayed up all night, going over every note, every detail, because... well, as she had discovered, Dr. Herman was a grade A bitch.

Alex thought she was being set up for failure with all that was going on. Just yesterday, Herman had dumped her entire service on her, while still expecting her to study everything for this C-Cam procedure on little Waldo Pfieffer. Still she wasn't about to give up. Callie wanted her to do this. She wanted to do this. In her mind, it was one of the steps for to get on their way to being happy. Besides, she had back up.

"Karev, how nice of you to join us," Herman said.

"Yeah, well, I heard this was an interesting procedure, didn't want to pass up a chance to see it myself." Alex said smoothly. Really he was there for Arizona, but she didn't say anything.

"Good," Herman said, "Let's begin. Scalpel."

Arizona paid careful attention, answering all of Herman's questions and following her intructions to the letter.

"Now, why do we prepare for bradycardia?" Herman asked.

"Because, as you wrote in your notes, this procedure results in fetal cardiac arrest fifty percent of the time," Arizona said, glancing at her mentor over her mask.

Herman regarded her carefully. "Feels strange doesn't it? To touch a baby before it's even born?"

Arizona nodded.

"You know what it feels like?" Herman asked as she carefully removed the tumor. "Privilege. Great- ah!" Suddenly she clutched her head and bent slightly at the waist.

"Dr Herman!" Arizona called, eyeing the nurse to catch her scalpel before it fell.

Herman swayed, blinked. "I apologize. Migraines. It won't happen-" But she was interrupted by loud rapid beeping of the heart monitors as the baby went into fetal cardiac arrest.

"Dammit!" Arizona swore. She looked up for guidance, but her mentor seemed flustered. "Get me one of Atropine and Epi IM, now!" A needle was slapped into her palm and she inserted it into the fetus' deltoid.

A second later, the monitors showed a stable rythmn, and she breathed as sigh of relief.

"Excellent work, Robbins," Herman said, without skipping a beat. "Let's continue to close."

Afterwords, she met Alex alone in the scrub room. "What was that?" she asked him. "What was she doing in there? Migraines? What kind of surgeon with a history of migraines operates on a fetus?"

Alex rubbed his chin. "I don't know, I'd almost think she's hazing you, but something is definitely up with her."

"What am I gonna do?" Arizona asked, "This fellowship is all I have. Callie and I have been using it to get closer together... "

"I don't know..." Alex replied. "You gotta talk to her."

"Yeah," Arizona said, staring down the hall after her mentor. "I guess so."

xxx

Amelia walked through the hallway, not really caring where she went. Not even walked, more like drifted. _You are not my sister. You are Derek's sister. And Derek is gone._ Meredith's words echoed in her psyche. What was she doing here? She was pathetic. This was pathetic.

 _Get your own life!_

Was she really just taking over Derek's role here? Was she just the _wrong_ Shepherd? How could Meredith say that? How could she-

Suddenly a red hot fire burned in her. Who did she think she was? The great and mighty Meredith Grey- ruler of all that is Dark and Twisty. She Who Buries Things. Meredith didn't _feel._ She buried. Amelia had witnessed it time and time again. That look in her eye, that 'fuck you' look. Meredith was Medusa. She was hollow. Empty. If Derek saw her now? Amelia scoffed. He'd be disgusted.

Right?

She stopped in the middle of the hall when she realized where she was. Hovering just outside Owen's door. She didn't bother knocking, she just opened the door, walked right in. She needed to feel. She needed to feel something. She needed to feel Owen.

He was on the phone, his back to her.

"When is the next flight out?" he was asking. "I need to get on the first one out of here," he was saying.

The voice on the other end sounded distressed.

"Well I don't give a damn! This is my sister we are talking about here!"

More panicked chatter from the other end.

"Tomorrow?" Owen said, "What time?" he scribbled something on a post it. "Uh huh. Okay. Well I have to make arrangements, but I'll be there. I will be there." And at that precise moment, he turned around to hang up the phone. "Amelia..."

"Owen... planning a trip?" she croaked. Of course. She should've known. Every man in her life leaves somehow...

xxx

It was the nurses who told Maggie where to find Meredith. And when she found her standing outside the daycare watching the kids play through the glass window, Maggie was confused. Shouldn't Meredith be in there with Zola now? This past week, Janet had allowed for visitation, and Zola had been spending time here. Just yesterday, Meredith had bolted here after surgery so excited to sit with the little girl for even a few minutes.

Why was she standing on the outside, looking in?

"Hey Meredith..." Maggie said, coming up beside her. "I was looking for you. I uh... finished your mom's journals," she said, trying to think of something to say to break the ice.

"Oh, yeah." Meredith nodded, but Maggie may as well have said gibberish, for Meredith continued to stare at nothing through the window.

Maggie saw Zola happily sitting on the floor, attempting to build some sort of structure with jumbo lego blocks. "Aren't you going to go in there? Say hi?"

Meredith said nothing.

"Meredith?"

"You should go back to Boston."

"What?"

"I'm poison. I'm giving you fair warning Pierce, because one of these days I'll hurt you. I won't mean to- but I'll say something or do something and I'll screw you over."

Maggie didn't understand. What was she ranting about?

"I mean... that's what happens. It happened to Izzie, and George, and Derek." She shook her head. "I'm a black hole sucking away your bright and shiny..."

She decided to ignore The Rant, "Meredith, go inside, say hi to Zola. I'm sure she wants to see you."

"I can't... not anymore. I thought I could. I thought, you know... that I could make jam-" She swallowed thickly but shook her head.

Maggie narrowed her eyes at her sister. "What are you saying? I don't understand."

"What kind of person sticks her hand on a bomb? Or decides not to swim? Or asks a gunman to shoot her, even if she is pregnant? Or dr-drives a jeep down a busy highway when they're eight months along? Me. I do. I kill things. People, babies. Four-year old african orphans. It's my M.O. I should call Janet, just call the whole thing off-"

"No." Maggie said sharply.

"What?"

"Meredith, you are literally just days away from making Zola's dreams come true. You're really gonna ruin that?"

"It's just- Everything is so screwed up. I'm gonna screw it all up."

Maggie wasn't really a touchy feely person. She was analytical She liked facts and statistics, and when it came to family and relationships, she could sometimes be a rambling nerd. But she knew one thing. She knew what it was like to feel wanted and loved. She didn't have a tragic life. Not so much as a cat died in her family yet. Her friends and life in boston had been loving and drama free. She knew the warmth of a mother's embrace, the encouragement of a father's pat on the back.

And she knew what Meredith needed right now. "For heaven's sake," she muttered opening the door to the nursery and walking directly to her objective. Four year old Zola. She crouched down and smiled brightly, and Zola responded with a flash of her own white teeth. She scooped her up- Zola was tiny for her age- waved and gestured to the daycare worker and brought her to Meredith. "Here, take her."

She didn't even give her a chance to think about it. Zola was there, suddenly in 'Medusa's' arms.

"Uh Maggie- I"

"Just tell me now... that you can't do this. That you don't want her."

"That's not-"

"Just... sit there, and look at her, and think about all the good things you'll give her because she'll become your daughter. And she'll have a special advantage, a mother that knows pain and suffering, that knows exactly how to comfort her when she's in pain, or in trouble. Because you've been there, you've seen worse, and you will survive."

Meredith shifted Zola awkardly in her arms. "I-"

Maggie smiled. "Now go on, be her mother." she said, before walking back down the hall. Now, to find April and Karen, they simply must plan this party.

Like now.

 **A/N:** How's that? Okay, now go click on my profile and go read my new story **Gone Baby Gone...** for a taste of suspense. (Warning, M rating) Hee hee.


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N:** Wow! Thanks everyone for your wonderful reviews, fav's and follows. Thanks Gale123, Hey There Now, Patsy! Thanks mandyg67 for listening to my rants... I know you like this story especially, so... here ya go!

Really hoping season 13 picks up a little momentum, although I loved 13x18! Ellen directed a fabulous episode, and I am really liking Maggie's character evolution now... excited to see what comes next!

Anyway,

 **Enjoy!**

" _Leave! Get out! Get out! I don't want to see your face! You're off my service!"_ Dr. Grey's voice thundered through Penny Blake's mind as she wandered through the hallway.

That scar...

Her hands shook, just like they did when she'd stitched up that wound.

 _That's what happens when your head hits a window at eighty miles an hour._ Dr. Grey had said. Or maybe when a fresh-faced intern sutured a woman who just lost her baby.

Penny stiffled a sob and pushed herself into an on-call room. So much had happened that day. She could never forget it.

 _Four years ago:_

 _Penny navigated the freeway expertly through the construction traffic. She was used to it. She took this road nearly every day for work. She scowled when the radio buzzed with a song she'd heard a million times. Maybe she should check in with the news._

" _-Are trying to get some answers, but what we know so far is that a gun man has opened fire at Pacific college, and there could possibly be a dozen- Okay, I'm hearing twenty... twenty victims..."_

" _Oh my God-" Penny exclaimed._

" _A total of fifteen ambulances are on their way, and I'm being told that Shepherd Grace hospital has accepted the call to action and all patients will be sent there, to their newly upgraded level one trauma center."_

 _Penny gasped "Holy-" Twenty possible GSW's? Incredible. She wished she could be there in the action. She glanced down to turn the volume up, unable to tear herself away from this tragedy. But when her attention shifted back to the road, she had to suddenly swerve and brake to avoid the Jeep that was spinning toward her._

 _Somehow she managed to avoid getting hit, and her little Taurus screeched to a stop on the side of the road._

 _When she finally came out of her initial shock, she bolted out of the car to see if she could help. She fumbled for her phone as she surveyed the scene. Three cars spread out over the freeway, a Black Camaro was the farthest away, its front end completely crushed and smoking. In the middle, laying on it's side, a white SUV resembled a crumpled styrofoam coffee cup, and right in front of her an old light blue Jeep, the driver's side beaten in._

 _Resisting the urge to vomit, Penny jogged to the Jeep first. The driver's door was completely smashed in so she had to approach from the passenger side. Thankfully it was unlocked. Penny inhaled, steadying herself for a moment before yanking on the door to see what the damage was to the person inside. She gasped. Resting atop of the deflated airbag was what appeared to be a young woman, not much older than her. Blood covered the left side of her face from a large laceration at the top of her head. But what was more shocking for the young intern was her obvious pregnant belly, and the darkening pool of blood between her thighs._

" _Oh god..."_

"Oh god, oh god, oh god..." Penny panted, wiping her eyes. How was it possible? How did it seem that the very patient who changed her life was now her boss? Her attending? She couldn't do this... she shook her head... no, she couldn't work here.

Suddenly the door opened, and Penny shifted on her bunk, turning away from the door.

"I'm just saying Herman has a stick up her ass," a man said. "You should call her on it. This is a teaching hospital, you're one of the best surgeon's here, she had no right to treat you like crap."

"- And I'm saying that it's nothing I can't handle, Karev. Yeah, Herman's tough, but Callie and I can handle her."

"Whatever, but she shouldn't be operating if she's been having migraines. You need to talk to her."

There was a sigh, a shuffle of feet, "Yeah... I guess you're right about that."

"You know I am." There was sound of a pager beeping. "Crap. I gotta go, Robbins."

The door clicked closed and there was a sigh.

Penny couldn't contain her tears anymore and sniffed loudly.

"Oh, are you okay?" A soft voice asked.

"Oh..." Penny swallowed thickly and turned over in the bunk to see who was talking to her. Another attending judging by the navy scrubs. Robbins... wasn't she in Ped's? "It's fine. I'm fine."

Robbins frowned. "You don't look fine."

Penny just shook her head, silently wishing the blonde would just leave her be, although she appreciated her concern.

"Wait... you're the new resident aren't you?"

"How did you-"

"It's a big hospital. but not that big. Aren't you on Grey's service? You should be on rounds by now."

"Yeah... well" Penny shrugged half heartedly. "Not anymore."

"She kicked you off your service?"

Penny sniffed again and shifted to sit up on the bed. She ran her hands over her thighs trying to get rid of the sweat that collected on her palms.

The other doctor stepped closer to her. Her blue eyes shone with intensity. "What did she say to you? Did she-"

"You know it's fine..." Penny interrupted. "This... was a mistake, coming here. I think- I think I'll talk to the chief, and have him release me from my contract, and I can... I can rematch somewhere else."

"You shouldn't have to do that. We're one of the best teaching hospital's in the country. If she- said something- If Grey offended or hurt you-"

"No," Penny shook her head, "No, it wasn't like that. It's me. I..."

"What?"

"Why am I even talking to you about this? I don't even know you... It's none of your business..."

"What's not my business? That a resident can't learn because her attending is being a bitch? Of course that's my business. That's everyone's business. This is a freaking teaching hospital after all."

"It's not that."

"Then what?"

Penny bit the corner of her lip before she blurted, "Dr. Grey was in an accident four years ago. I know this because she was my _patient._ "

xxx

"Planning a trip?" Amelia croaked.

Owen didn't know what to say. "Amelia..." he said softly. What was wrong? What was going on with her? She looked... like she'd been punched in the gut. He walked toward her and stopped a few feet in front of her, trying to read her, find out what happened.

"Your sister? The one you don't talk about? She... in trouble?" Amelia asked, tucking her hands into her labcoat, she stared down at her shoes, as if unable to bring herself to look up at him.

"Um..." Owen started, what could he say? How could he explain? They hadn't really talked about family. He didn't think... she wanted to hear about Megan. Amelia seemed to have enough drama going on all around her by herself. Their not talking talking thing had led to a lot more other... passionate ways to communicate. So he settled for a quiet, "yeah."

"Oh." Amelia nodded, but she still didn't meet his gaze. Her torso pivoted toward the wall as she seemed to try to avoid him but still be in his space.

"Are you okay?" He stepped a little closer, reaching out to touch her but still too far away to do so.

"Oh, _peachy."_ She smirked and stepped around him, her gaze locked on some of the random pictures he'd put up in the office.

"Amelia..." Owen sighed. Of course he had to get involved with someone so emotional.

"So, where are you going?"

"Amelia..." If she would just tell him what happened, why she looked so... dejected.

"Just answer the question Owen!" She snapped, turning to face him. "When are you leaving? Where are you going? How long will you be gone?"

"Tomorrow. Somewhere in Jordan probably, and... I don't know." Then he swallowed thickly. "My sister..." he sighed, "She got on a chopper to help a patient, and now she's gone."

"Gone?" Amelia asked, concern lacing her voice. She stepped a little closer to him this time, her eyes watery.

"The chopper never arrived. There was a sandstorm and- I have to go look, I have to find her. I'm leaving tomorrow."

"Oh." she said, like the wind was knocked out of her. Her gaze slid downward, and she twitched back toward the door.

"Amelia," He pleaded. Just because he was leaving for his sister, didn't mean he was leaving _her._

"No, it's okay. I get it. She's your sister. You want to protect her. That's what brothers do right?" Amelia nodded. "So you're leaving, just like every man in my life. I um-" she wiped under her eye. "I hope you find her." And without a further word, she whirled around and left.

Owen felt his gut coil and tighten with frustration and heartbreak. Did Amelia actually believe he intended on dumping her? How could she think so little of him? "Amelia-" he started after her, but as he left the office, Arizona practically bowled him over.

"Chief! You knew, didn't you?" She exclaimed, standing right in front of him, blocking him from Amelia's quick exit.

"What?" he said, looking over Arizona's shoulder.

"We need to talk about Penelope Blake-"

"We can talk about her later, I already told Bailey-" He shifted on his feet, trying to move, get around her so he could go after his girlfriend.

But Arizona remained in his face, "How could you not tell her? Prepare her? What the hell is she doing on Grey's service on her first day? Are you trying to kill our residents? Death by Medusa?"

Owen sighed. Amelia was gone, far out of sight. He wouldn't be able to get out of this right now. "Arizona-" he pleaded, rubbing his forehead. It was going to be a long night.

xxx

Alex sighed as he finished marking in his chart. It had been a close call. A teenager had been brought in with what looked like a serious wound, but it had been superficial, just a lot of blood. People really shouldn't play with guns, even if it is a BB gun.

The back of his neck prickled and he saw Jo approach him. He smiled when he saw her. She looked, tired and... pensive though.

"Hey," he said casually.

"Hey," she leaned over on the counter, her hand brushing his.

He went back to his work, filling in the last of his notes.

"A BB gun? Seriously?"

"Seriously," he replied, putting the tablet down. "Hey, you wanna go somewhere? Grab a bite or something?" He knew he's been pushing her away. Ever since Amber left. He didn't know exactly why... he just felt like Jo knew something. That Amber had told her something. Honestly, it didn't bother him that Jo knew something that he didn't. What bothered him was that Amber was obviously in trouble and hadn't stuck around long enough to let him help her. She didn't trust him. She didn't want him. But somehow she'd confided to his girlfriend? That was a low blow.

Jo drummed her fingers on the counter.

"What?" he asked.

"I love you, you know that right?"

Okay, that wasn't a good sign. He looked up from the tablet, reached over and tilted her chin up so she'd look him in the eye. "And I love you, you know that right?"

Jo nodded.

"You can tell me anything," he said and he meant it.

"I know..." She wrapped her arms around herself, her expression sad.

Alex looked around and nodded to an empty patient room. Jo followed behind him and closed the door.

He sat down on the stool and waited. It didn't matter, he told himself, no matter what she told him, he still loved her. He would still love her.

Jo paced, her hands dug deep into her labcoat pocket.

"Jo?"

"I know. I know..." she inhaled deeply. "I used to live in my car when I was sixteen, I ran away from my foster home and stole a car. A couple cars actually, and... Yeah... I was homeless for most of my Junior year."

Alex nodded. He was well aware Jo had a rough life. He didn't care about her past. He cared about who she was right now. "Okay," he said.

"Yeah... so I was homeless for awhile, and I had to protect myself... so I bought a gun."

Alex blinked, a little surprised, but, it made sense he supposed. "Okay," he said. "You were scared."

"Yeah, I was scared." Jo echoed, but she still paced around the room, nervously wringing her hands.

"What is it?"

"I kept the gun. Under the bed, in a box."

'Wait, you still have the gun?" Alex asked.

"Not anymore..." she sighed.

"What are you talking about?" Suddenly something seemed really really wrong. He didn't like where this converation was going now. "Jo?"

"Alex, Fred Martin isn't a PI. Amber lied to you. Fred Martin is Brent's dad, and he's been looking for Amber's kid. I don't know why... but Amber told me after you'd been paged to the hospital. She must've snooped around, because I was rearranging stuff at our new place and I couldn't find the gun. I couldn't find it. I looked everywhere."

"Fuck." Alex cursed as his stomach turned at the thought of his sister running around with a gun. He stood up suddenly, tipping the stool over as he did so. "I... I have to go." he said. He knew that he told her that she could tell him anything but this? Fuck!

"Alex!" Jo called.

"Leave me alone!" he bellowed as marched out of the room.

xxx

Mark collapsed back on the bed. "Wow... Lex, that was..." He panted.

"Hot."

"Hot," he repeated with a grin.

"Steamy," Lexie added.

"Steamy?"

"McSteamy."

He chuckled, a low bass rumble in his throat. It had been a long time since he'd heard that. A twinge of insecurity hit him. "I'm not being an immature, sex crazed teenager am I?" He knew that this was a big deal, getting back together with Lexie this way. This meant something for both of them. What... he didn't know.

"If anything, _I'm_ the immature sex crazed teenager." Lexie said.

"Did I-" he hoped he hadn't manipulated her, or used her... "I mean uh-"

"Mark... it's okay. I wanted this. I wanted you."

"So..." But what did it mean?

Lexie shifted closer to him and traced lazy circles on his chest. He sighed happily and wrapped his arm around her.

"I realized something," Lexie rested her head on his shoulder. "I was selfish."

"Lex-"

"No- just listen okay?" she splayed her hand across his chest, and his heart thump-thumped a little faster.

"Kay," he said.

"I was a little selfish. Since the whole Sloane debacle."

"Really?" He raised his brows at her, not sure what to think. He had to admit, he'd given her an awful choice back then. If roles had been reversed? If he was the pretty young intern dating the hot successful attending whose kid showed up and needed support? He probably would've run too.

"Yeah," Lexie said, "I didn't realize till now, how much you love me, and... Mark, I took that for granted."

"Lexie-"

She pressed a finger to his lips, "shh, not done here."

"Mmm." Mark gazed at her expectantly.

"Anyway, what I was saying was... I want- I think... you know, if you promise to run only to me for grief sex, and not some Shepherd sister or nurse or... anyone... except me, you know... um," she swallowed, "I think I can get over the selfish thing. I want to give... you gave me so much, you've helped me so much, and I know... you're getting older, and doing that contemplating life and mortality thing so..."

"So..?" He was trying to catch her drift, her ramble, her whatever... trying to find out among all those words what she was actually saying, but was confused, what could she possibly give him that he didn't already have?

"Ithinkwecouldbeafamily," Lexie said, biting her lip.

"What?"

"We could be a family." She said slowly, and she traced his ear with her fingertip. "You, and me... and... you know... a k-kid maybe someday..." she smiled quickly, "You know," she gestured, waggling her finger between them. "If you want t-to."

It took a moment for his brain to process what his ears had heard. Somewhere in the Grey ramble, he heard the words, _want, family, kid._ Was that-? Did that mean-? "You wanna..."

"I want you. And me. Together for the rest of our lives. And maybe a mini Grey-Sloan. Maybe meaning probably... but not right away because-"

He stopped Lexie with a kiss so deep that he nearly sucked the air out of her. Her. And Him. And a maybe probably mini Grey-Sloan to run around the house filling it with laughter and joy. His heart thumped a little faster now as life seemed so much fuller now that Lexie decided that she truly wanted to share it with him.

xxx

Amelia sat on the wooden swing outside Meredith's house. She really should go to a meeting. She really should. Or call Webber. She could call him. But- Who cared anymore? Who really cared about her?

Her mother? Amelia scoffed. Of course she cared, but she also judged... Mark? Freaking Mark? Who had chased after Lexie like a love sick puppy? Yeah... not gonna happen. The paper bag crinkled as she pulled it down, revealing the slim glass bottle of Vodka.

Meredith? Did she care? Hah. That was a joke. Meredith was a joke. Meredith should just go to hell. She had no idea... no idea what it was like to be her. Amelia snorted as she stared at the bottle, her mouth watering in anticipation of the vile liquid.

And Hunt?

She could only blame herself for letting him in. And now it didn't matter if he cared or not. He didn't care enough. Not that he should... it had only been six weeks since she'd met him. Two, maybe three weeks of being maybe serious. She had no right thinking that she should come before his adoring sister.

She twisted the cap off the bottle.

She should really go to a meeting.

But-

 _Get your own life!_ Meredith's voice echoed in her head.

Who the hell cared? She didn't want to feel anymore. She didn't want to feel the helplessness and confusion from when her father was shot. She didn't want to feel Derek's hands on her chest as he performed CPR on her after she overdosed. She didn't want to feel the still, dead, weight of her own child in her arms as she held him for the last time. She didn't want to feel the press of Owen's hot lips on hers.

Not now, not anymore.

She wanted to be numb. She had to be numb.

Raising the bottle to her lips, Amelia took a sip.

Another. And then another.

 **A/N:** Intense huh? We are ramping things up...

Please review! Oh, and if any of you are fans of Awesome Allison, you may want to check out her fanpage on instagram. You can search for it under merderdotferryboats. Or pm her for more info, this site doesn't let you post links.


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N:** Thanks Greystwilight fan, Patsy and Mandyg67... Where is everybody? Would love to hear from some of you, esp if you haven't commented before, or if you are a fan of a pairing besides Meredith!

Anyway...

 **Enjoy!**

"I have to pee," April squirmed on the exam table as the nurse spread ultrasound jelly smoothly on her small rounded bump. They were into the second trimester now, and Jackson marveled every day at how a simple act together could create a human being.

"Just a few more minutes," He squeezed his wife's hand and kept his eye on the monitor, knowing she was pouting. Carefully suppressing a mile-wide grin, he focused on the image in front of him. April was so cute when she pouted, and she hated when he pointed it out, which made him love her even more.

"Just a little..." Connie murmured as she moved the wand in a circular motion. Jackson noticed the way April bit her lip with nervousness as her deep green eyes studied the screen.

"It's gonna be fine, April," he soothed.

"I know," she smiled. "Noah keeps rubbing my belly like I'm some kind of genie or something."

Jackson raised an eyebrow, "He still does that?" He'd caught them a few times. Noah, sensitive as he was, liked to cuddle with mommy and the baby bump, often whispering to it, like he was sharing a secret.

"Yup," April replied softly, finally relaxed as she lifted her arm over her head. "It's fine, I think it's adorable."

"Hmm," Jackson once again looked at the monitor.

They waited while Connie worked. Jackson shifted, shouldn't she know by now? "Everything okay?" he asked.

"Um," Connie said, "Just..." She manuevered the wand, and under the gentle woosh-woosh, of the ultrasound, they saw their baby.

Jackson stared, there was the head... the shoulders... He blinked, and his heart skipped a few beats "It's... it's a girl."

"A girl?" April gasped.

"Yes," Connie confirmed, "it is a girl..." But her mouth curved into a slight frown and her brows furrowed as she studied the screen...

"What?" Jackson asked, his chest feeling tight. Gone was the hopeful relief, the happy thoughts of pink, pink, pink... Now anxiety clenched and uneasiness caused him to lean forward, "What is it?" He asked, outwardly calm and detached, for his wife.

Connie regarded the two, a solemn expression on her face. No, he thought. No, no, no...

"Jackson?" April squeezed his hand and he felt her thoughts. "Connie? What is it? What's wrong with my baby?"

"It's hard to tell," Connie said. "But it appears that there's some sort of mass near her heart... I'm going to have to call for a consult..."

xxx

"Did you bring it?" Meredith asked as she kneeled on the floor beside Zola, who was sitting at a child's size table and chair in the daycare, coloring with a purple crayon.

"Yeah, I got it," Alex grumbled. He shoved the bundle practically in her face before crouching down to sit next to her.

"Hey, careful! That doll is old!" she picked up the cloth covered item and unwrapped it. What was up with Alex? She wondered. She'd noticed some tension between him and Jo, but today, Alex was a tight ball of... anger.

"Anatomy Jane? Seriously?" he remarked, and she was sure he meant it to be playful, but it sounded bitter and harsh.

"So?"

"With optional pregnancy parts?" His eyebrow raised as she fiddled with the doll, smoothing out her hair and fixing the gown that covered her.

"So?" Meredith shook her head. He didn't get it. Not that she expected him to. He was a guy. He never had children of his own. And Alex... just wasn't the sentimental type. Not like this anyway.

"How old is that thing anyway?" He asked, proving her point. "She looks like a ghoul."

Meredith bristled at his comment. "Shut up. She's not that old, _I'm_ not that old." Her mother had given her this doll. She remembered sitting on the kitchen table with Ellis as she removed each part and named it, instructing her to repeat it back to her and put the piece back in where it belonged.

She remembered her mother using it to describe where babies come from.

She remembered... Days after Derek died, in a moment of clumsiness, she'd knocked some stuff off the dresser and there was the doll, pregnant and staring blankly at her. In a daze, she picked it up, collapsed on the bed and stared back at it as she rubbed her flat stomach.

Derek was gone, but she wasn't alone.

Alex's muttering caused her to look up, squinting at him. She was so sick of his stupid behavior. "You're grouchier than usual," she observed. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," said Alex. He avoided her glare and busied himself with a box full of toys, picking out some pieces for a race track.

Whatever was bothering him, he could tell her. She wasn't whole and healed yet, but she was getting there, she could feel it. He was her best friend right now, and she wanted to help him. Meredith shook her head, "It's not nothing. We don't do this. You don't cover things up, that's not the Alex I know."

Her 'Person' scowled again and ignored her as he dug out more pieces for the race track. She let him stew and turned to Zola. "Hey Zola... see what I have here? This is Anatomy Jane. She's a special doll..."

Zola looked up from her drawing and pressed a finger to her lips as she regarded the doll. Meredith pulled up the gown to reveal a pregnant stomach on the doll.

"Baby in tummy?" Zola asked. Her english wasn't that good, but it didn't matter, the parenting classes told her to just talk and behave normally, making sure that Zola understood her, and she would pick it up pretty quickly.

Meredith swallowed, unexpectedly reminded of her own child. "Yeah... yes," she said quickly. Carefully, she removed the parts, "Look, this is the chubble, and this part is the slivvy..." she pointed at the various pieces as she pulled them out and laid them on the table. Zola put her crayon down and reached for the doll. "You wanna play with her?" Meredith encouraged. "It's okay, here..." she handled the doll over to Zola who regarded Jane curiously.

Zola took the doll and ran her little brown fingers over it. She turned Jane over and moved her arms and legs. Meredith kept talking, "When I was a little girl, my mommy gave this doll to me," she said. "You know what a mommy is?" she asked. Zola shrugged and walked Jane around on the table.

"A mommy..." she bit her lip, "A mommy is someone who loves you very much, a mommy is someone who wants to take care of you with all her heart." She wanted to say so much more, but there weren't words to describe the powerful urge in her being.

"No mommy..." Zola said as she removed Jane's chubble.

"I know... you don't have a mommy right now, but...I could, I could be your mommy." Her lower lip twitched as she waited for a response from Zola, but the girl was oblivious and focused on Anatomy Jane. Meredith chose to rub Zola's back instead of pushing the subject. _I could,_ she thought. _I want to be your Mama._

Time for a subject change before her hormones got the best of her. "Alex..." Meredith prompted.

"You tell me something, I tell you something." He replied as he built his race track. Another boy toddled over and sat near Alex to watch.

It was an old game they played:

" _Lexie left me for Sloan". He told her once with a shrug after the shooting._

" _I told April she could be a mom, and I don't think I can... I'm terrified," she replied, her hand resting on her tiny bump._

 _He sipped his beer, "You'll be a great Mom, Mer," he said without hesitation._

" _You'll find someone that really loves you, Alex." She said as they swung on the swing._

There was something healing about their mutual confessions.

Her mind flashed back to the earlier scene in the elevator. Penny's pale shocked face as she screamed at her. "I... um... I met the new resident today," she said

"Oh yeah, I read the email." he murmured. "Isn't she on your service?"

"She's from Dillard." Meredith said.

Alex blinked. "Oh," he said and shrugged.

"No, she's _from_ Dillard. She was there... when I... was her patient."

"What?" Alex's brown eyes flashed at her, confused, shocked.

"She was an intern, Alex... she told me... and I..." Meredith shook her head, willing the anger that curled in her to go away. "You tell me yours," she rasped.

The little boy near him handed him a piece of race track and Alex took it, clicking it in place. "Amber lied." he said. "And Jo knew she lied. That Frank Martin dude? He's not who he says he is... he's trouble... he's after Amber..." He fit another piece in, the track starting to resemble a figure eight. "He's after Amber's kid, and she... she didn't trust me. She didn't trust me to protect her. She ran off... She's got a freaking gun, Mer." He rubbed the back of his neck, making his frustration clear.

"Alex..." Meredith breathed, reaching to rub his shoulder.

"How does this happen? How does everyone I care about get screwed? Amber... I was never there for her Mer, I never... I had to choose, them or this, and I chose this but-" He struggled, realizing that he was in a daycare with little kids running amok. "I don't... I don't know what to do."

Meredith helped Zola put the 'Jelly Pouch' into Anatomy Jane, her mind whirring as she tried to think of what to say. "I'm not gonna tell you what to do," she said. "Amber's made her choice. She has a gun, she already figured you out of the equation. I don't know why Jo didn't tell you then, but she told you now, so that has to count for something, right?"

Alex sighed loudly and Meredtih raised an eyebrow at him. "We're not residents anymore," she continued. "We made it. We grew up. You have a house. And a girlfriend who loves you, post-it-on-the-wall loves you. Who's not crazy or sick or pining after someone else. You have plenty of friends and allies here if you need them." She put her fingers over Zola's tiny ones, helping her snap Jane's Abdomen in place. Now all put together, Zola held the doll up for everyone to see and made little mommy noises as she cradled it. "I'm not gonna tell you what to do, because you already know, Alex." Meredith said.

"Shi-" Alex took note of the little boy racing two cars in the track he completed, "Crap." he said.. He picked up a red car and spun the wheels with his finger. Then he sighed, "That new resident? She was just an intern Mer. We all screwed up our first year. Cut her some slack." He laid a car down on the track and pushed it. "Hell, maybe she knows something."

"Yeah," Meredith said as she looked out the window of the Daycare to see a smiling Janet here to pick up Zola and take her home. "Crap."

xxx

Penny stared at her pager. _That's it,_ she thought. _They're going to cancel my contract._ It beeped again. The Chief was paging her. Finally she stood up and swallowed. Whatever it was, she'd face it. It couldn't be half as bad as facing Grey.

She knocked on the Chief's door. "You wanted to see me sir?" she asked.

"Dr. Blake," Hunt said, "Have a seat." She noticed another man there, an older man, wait... was that Dr. Webber? She'd heard of him. A near legend in his own right.

Answering her question, Chief Hunt nodded to him, "Dr. Blake, this is Dr. Webber." He stated.

"Hello, pleased to meet you, it's an honour sir,"

Webber was kind and gracious. "A pleasure, Dr. Blake."

"Anyway," Hunt said, "I paged you here to... apologize."

"Sir?"

"I've been caught up in some personal matters, and I didn't consider your experience with Dr. Grey. I knew you were involved with her trauma, but I guess I thought..." He drifted off. "I wasn't thinking. As Chief, it is my responsibilty to know my staff, be aware of any problems that arise, and work with and advise accordingly." He sighed, "Anyway, I apologize. I should have, at the very least, informed you that Dr. Grey was your patient, and given you the option to choose which service you wanted to work under."

Penny took a moment to consider his words. She was thankful for the apology, it had placated her feelings a little. But she wasn't sure that she should work here. She didn't know... Seeing Grey had brought up a lot of memories for her...

 _Meredith. She'd learned that name while leaning over her in the jeep, reaching into the woman's purse while fumbling for a pulse. Meredith Grey, her drivers license said. "Meredith..." She called, rubbing her sternum._

" _Ohhh..." Meredith responded, stirring slightly, but her eyes remained closed._

" _Meredith, stay with me," Penny called loudly. There was so much blood. How could there be so much blood?_

" _Buh..." Meredith started to say, her hand twitched to her abdomen while tears of pain mingled with blood._

" _I know... your baby..." Penny said. "You're going to be fine, we'll get you to the hospital, and you'll be just fine."_

" _Der..." Meredith slurred, before passing out again._

 _It was taking too long for the ambulance. Far too long. She called 911 again. "Where's the Goddamn ambulance?" she screamed. Penny had never felt so helpless before in her life. The little roll of gauze she'd pulled from her own first aid kit was already soaked._

 _The poor 911 operator stuttered out an apology before explaining that due to the shooting, resources had been diverted. An Ambulance and fire truck were coming... but... it could take time._

" _Dammit!" she threw her phone down. All she could do was wait. "It's okay, I'm here... hang in there... Just hang in there..."_

 _Moments later, two ambulances and a fire truck had arrived, and the paramedics swooped in._

 _But still, luck was not on Meredith's side. Freed of the vehicle that was her prison, her condition deteriorated rapidly en route to Seattle Pres. They were still ten minutes out, she wouldnt make it._

 _Inside the ambulance, the paramedics were arguing. "Dillard!" Penny shouted over them. "Take her to Dillard!"_

" _But... they're not a trauma centre..." One of them objected._

" _They have blood, and an OR, that's all she needs... please... you have to- you can't..." She trailed off, shaking her head. "You have to get her to Dillard... Now."_

 _The medics glanced at each other, and if they needed further convincing, the beeping of the pulse-ox machine did it._

" _Her left lung is collapsing!"_

" _Dammit! Turn this thing around! Now!"_

 _Relief filled Penny as they approached her workplace. It wasn't a trauma center, but it was familiar, and the staff were good people. They would do their very best. But just as they arrived, another ambulance pulled up in front of them._

 _The paramedics wheeled another pregnant woman out, "My baby... my baby..." she called out weakly._

 _Penny squeezed Meredith's hand. "It's going to be alright."_

Penny cleared her throat and blinked, the memories chased away by her need to be in the present moment. "I think maybe I should be rematched..."

"Dr. Blake," Webber said. "You were top in your class at Dillard, one of the most skilled residents, it's the reason I reccomended you to be hired."

"You... reccomended me, sir?" She asked in awe.

"Yes." he replied resolutely. "Your history with Grey was the only reason not to hire you. He swallowed. "Grey will warm up to you, once she's seen your work ethic. We have an opening for a resident on peads if you like."

"I..."

"Blake," Chief Hunt said, "Dillard was a second rate hospital. You want to learn? You want to achieve? Then Shepherd Grace is the hospital for you. Webber will talk to Dr. Grey, but we can make this work for you if you want it to."

Penny considered it. Webber had reccomended her. He had noticed her. Of all the other residents in Seattle... What Hunt said was true too. Dillard had been going downhill for a long time now, second rate? More like third rate. Ever since her mentor, Dr. Wallace left, everything had gotten much much worse. She nodded, "Yes, I want to stay. I would like to stay."

"Great," Chief Hunt said, "Just so you know, I'm taking leave, so Dr. Webber will be interim Chief while I am away. If you have any concerns, please feel free to talk to him."

"Thanks."

xxx

Maggie had a pretty light workload today, so she was using the spare time to come up with ideas for Zola's welcoming party. She'd been typing in a list on her phone. She should talk to Callie and Arizona to invite Sofia, and Kepner about Noah... and wait... didn't Noah go to a play school? Maybe he could invite some of his friends...

On her way to a consult in OB, she waited for the elevator. When it dinged, she stepped in, her attention still on the list on her phone... Decorations... they needed decorations. What was Zola's favorite color? Purple wasn't it? And she liked those _My Little Pony_ toys... so maybe a pony theme? Okay, balloons, streamers, glitter... oh, crafts! Definitely some crafts... Her thoughts drifted...

"Um excuse me? You're one of April's friends aren't you?"

Maggie turned to see an older woman with long red hair neatly pulled behind her in a half ponytail, her dark green eyes peering out from under long bangs. April's mother, right.

"Well, I haven't known her very long, but yes, I'm Dr. Pierce- uh Maggie, you can call me Maggie." She stuck her hand out.

"Karen Kepner, April's mom, It's a pleasure... A real pleasure. Did I hear right that you're planning a party for Meredith and her youngin?"

"Yes." Maggie smiled at the thought of it. " Just one more home check, and final approval from CPS." Maggie shook her head and added, "Zola's so adorable, and it's nice to see Meredith smiling for once."

"Oh, the poor thing," Karen waved a hand, "After that accident took her child, she was never the same. She had such a rough go of it. Can you imagine? Losing your child at eight months? It had to be horrible... She was laid up for months with recovery and depression. I was overjoyed to hear that she wanted to adopt. I hope I get to meet that child."

"Oh..." Maggie said awkardly as she took in this new information. She'd heard rumors, nurses tales, intern's hushed whispers. But she never took it to heart, and it was never very specific. Just that bad things seemed to happen to Grey. "Well," she mustered as the elevator doors opened at OB. "Maybe you could help? I'd like to invite Noah to the party." She stepped off the elevator and Karen followed, walking with her.

"Oh, that sounds like so much fun!" she exclaimed, clasping her hands together. "I'm sure April will be fine with it. I'm up here to see her now actually, she's getting her ultrasound."

"I'm on my way to a consult," Maggie replied, double checking her pager for the room number: 404. "Maybe I'll check in with you both after?"

"That works out perfectly then!" Karen supplied, as she matched Maggie's stride. Maggie stopped outside the room just as Karen did.

"Okay," Maggie chirped.

"Okay." Karen replied, still standing there.

"Well this is where I'm doing my consult so..."

"Oh," Karen said, her eyes wide. "Your consult is here?" she pointed at the door.

"Yes," Maggie nodded, reaching for the door knob.

"But that's April's room." Karen said.

Maggie's heart hammered in her chest as she realized what or who- rather, she was consulting on. "Oh..."

xxx

Owen handed the last of his files over to Webber. "Well, that should do it. Thank you, for doing this on such short notice. I... my sister," he ran a hand through his short reddish blonde hair, his thoughts flashing to an arid dessert, wind and sand and all the cruelties associated with it. "I have to try and find her."

"I understand." Webber said, leaning against the desk. "Have you talked to Amelia?"

"Uh..."

Richard didn't wait for him to finish. "You need to go to her. You need to let her know how much she means to you alright?" he said, his tone deep and fatherly. "She lost her father, her brother... she left people who cared about her to come here because I asked Meredith to ask her to come here. And now... the two of you..." Richard sighed and looked away. "You just need to go find her. Now."

He didn't say anything else, but Owen knew what he meant. Amelia was an addict, prone to using drugs and alcohol to numb her pain. And now he was causing her pain.

Owen said nothing more as he exited the office and headed for the stairs.

xxx

Penny stared absentmindedly at her tablet while she waited for the elevator. She had to catch up on her pediatric assignments before her next rotation. Webber told her to take the rest of the day off, but she thought she would use this time to familiarise herself now that she had access.

The doors opened, and she stepped in, engrossed in a patient's chart. She pressed the close button and noticed that the main floor button was pushed.

"Oh," she heard a gasp behind her.

Blake turned and saw Dr. Grey's startled expression, her palm against her chest as if to protect herself.

"Oh... I-" she didn't know what to say. Dr. Grey had made it very clear last time how she felt about penny's presence, and now here they were, in an elevator together. She spun back to face the door and hastily pressed the button for the floor below. "I'll get off at the next level." She said. it was the least she good do.

A long sigh behind her indicated Grey's acceptance of this compromise, and Penny hugged her tablet closer. Innwardly she warred with herself. Was her earlier confession to Meredith too hasty? She regretted saying anything, she should have kept her mouth shut, bowed to the altar of General Surgery. That's what she should have done.

But she had been pushed, she admitted. Meredith wasn't going to let her go without saying something, and so she told the truth. Part of her was glad it was out, the other part very much torn that Meredith now had a living reminder of the most tragic and devasting event of her life. wandering the hospital

She swallowed, stared at the door until the elevator dinged, and as soon as there was enough space for her to slip through, she did. She hustled quickly down the hall, trying to dampen her own emotional turmoil. She would not cry anymore today.

Was someone calling her name?

She dreaded looking back. She just walked faster, the stairwell doors only feet away. Someone was behind her, following...

She pushed the door open and hopped down the steps with ease.

"Wait!" Someone called as she hit the landing, arm reaching for the bannister to help propel herself down the next flight. Penny glanced up and stopped.

Meredith stood halfway down the stairs, one hand gripping the railing and the other clutching her bag. Out of scrubs, her hair loose around her face, she looked so different. Warmer.

Meredith looked down at her with a watery gaze as she tried to speak.

Penny was frozen to the spot, waiting, wondering what she was going to say...

"Did you see her?" she asked finally, her voice hoarse and cracking, "Did you see my baby?"

xxx

 **A/N:** Whoooie! Alright guys, Seriously! This was so hard to get through! Please Review and let me know what you thought! More to come!

And... on another note, check out young writer **Jenabean2002's** story **Plane Crash**. She recently updated with three new chapters, so if you want to, please read and review her story, I'm sure she'd be thrilled to hear from you awesome fans!


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N:** I'm here! Don't worry! I hate moving! Takes away from my creative writing time ;)

Anyway, thanks all who checked in, followed, and faved this fic and any others.

Ready for some more drama?

 **Enjoy!**

" _Did you see her? Did you see my baby?"_ Meredith panted, out of breath from her mad dash after Penny. She didn't know what happened, but something compelled her to chase after the resident after avoiding her in the elevator.

"Dr. Grey-" Penny looked up nervously.

"I was in a coma for a long time, I just-" She'd missed the burial... she never got to hold her child, she'd never even been able to bring herself to see the chart. Waking up empty and broken, her own guilt and pain kept her from wanting to know any more about her baby. Until now. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes. "Did you see her?"

Penny looked down and seemed to gather herself, her knuckles white from clutching the tablet tight across her chest. "Y-yes... I... um, I saw her."

Meredith's heart pounded and her body flushed. Woozy, she leaned against the rail and slowly let herself sit on the stairs. "You did?" her voice was soft, brittle, broken. Quite different from the harsh _Get out! Get out! Get out!_ she'd screamed at Penny earlier.

"Yes," Penny confirmed, meeting Meredith's watery gaze. She stepped closer, seeing the questions in her attending's eyes. The young woman knelt down on the stairs, looking up at her. She swallowed. "I handed her off to pediatrics after she was delivered..."

Meredith nodded, encouraging her to continue.

"She was... she was beautiful, Dr. Grey." Penny fidgeted with the tablet.

"Meredith," Dr. Grey was too impersonal for this conversation.

"Meredith." Penny nodded. "Your daughter... she was five pounds, three ounces, a little small, but not unusual," she sniffed. "Um... fifteen inches long."

Again, Meredith tearfully nodded, imagining her baby in her arms. Lifting her gaze upward and away from Penny, she could almost see her daughter, feel her tiny weight in her arms, smell her sweet baby smell.

"When she cried-"

"She cried?" Meredith sat up. Nobody had told her that. It made sense now, the cry in her nightmares that always woke her up. Had she heard it while she lay unconscious? Fighting for her life in an outdated hospital? Had she heard it and her subconsious kept it alive for her in her dreams?

"Yeah..." Penny's hand reached up and rested on the same step Meredith was sitting on. "Her cry... I'll never forget it. It was... fierce. Like she wanted to fight."

"Fierce," Meredith whispered, the cry once again echoing in her thoughts. Derek's voice, clear as yesterday, " _You're not finished,_ " he told her in her dreams. She swallowed thickly, vaugely aware of the red-hot tears that were streaming down her face _._

She stifled a sob. That cry haunted her. Only reminding her of her detrimental loss. But now hearing from Penny that her daughter did indeed cry... it meant something different. For a little while, her daughter had breathed. She had exited her womb alive and kicking.

Which broke her heart even more.

"She had dark curly hair..." Penny continued, forcing Meredith out of her heartbreak. "I didn't get her APGAR. You were..." The red haired surgeon shook her head, "I handed her off to peds and then I was pulled back to your case to get you stabilised for surgery."

Surgery. Right. Her injuries had been severe. She was lucky to even survive the ambulance ride. Owen told her as much. And if anyone knew her chances, it would be Owen.

"When you got out of surgery... I was finishing... I was stitching up your head lac when Dr. Ramsay informed... your mother-in-law about your baby... and-" Penny choked up then, her lips turning downward in a tight frown, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... I- It's just so... wrong and unfair. She was breathing. She was pink and healthy... I-" Penny wiped her cheeks. "She _should_ have _lived_... your baby... She _should_ have lived."

Meredith ran her palms along her thighs, trying to compose herself. The onslaught of emotions and memories and thoughts was almost too much. But she couldn't move from her spot on the stairs. Closing her eyes she breathed deeply in and out, in and out, carefully tucking each thought and emotion away to deal with later, in the privacy of her own home, buried under the covers in her bed.

"Dr- I mean, Meredith?" she felt Penny's hand lightly touch her knee.

She exhaled loudly and opened her eyes. Penny's pained and guilty expression looked back at her as she slipped her hand away, but Meredith caught it, "Thank you," she said. She couldn't blame the young doctor. And frankly... while it was still painful... it felt... good to know what happened, and that someone she knew was there with her baby, if only for a moment.

For her part, Penny squeezed her hand but said nothing.

"I was going to name her Grace," Meredith said. "I hadn't told anyone yet, I was still debating in my head... Her grave, it just says Baby Grey-Shepherd, because no one could come up with a name in time for..." She sighed. Her body ached. She wanted to go home. Crap. She had to get home... Janet was doing a home check.

Meredith shot up, catching the handrail for support, and nearly knocking Penny over. "I have to go," she said.

But Penny grabbed her forearm. "Grace. It's a beautiful name, and no matter what her gravestone says, she is still your Grace."

"Yeah." Meredith had to go. There was another little being that needed her, and she needed to pass this home check. She pushed past Penny and scampered down the stairs, feeling lighter than she ever felt in a very long time.

xxx

Lexie scrabbled for balance on the crowded subway while checking her emails on her phone. Mark wanted to drive her to work today, but the subway was actually faster, and honestly, she felt that if he drove her to work, he'd probably want to do more than just drive her to work and she'd probably let him.

She snorted to herself and shook her head. Ever since her confession that night, Mark seemed to be walking on cloud nine. This morning, she found him googling baby names. "Not yet!" she had laughed, smacking him on the arm.

Speaking of baby names... She smiled when she saw pictures of Meredith and Zola. They'd been texting back and forth randomly, and Meredith sent her a selfie with a curious Zola and the Anatomy Jane doll. Lexie was happy for Meredith. The smile on her sister's face in the picture was one she hadn't seen in years.

Even on the crowded subway, covered in commuters, Life was looking up.

The train took a sharp turn, and she swayed again, gripping the bar tighter, still engrossed in her old work emails. Wait, what was this? A fellow Neuro Attending had emailed her scans... of a tumor... A massive tumor. "Holy crap," she muttered, shifting position so she could free her hand to zoom in. "Holy..."

It was inoperable. She was sure... but... she looked at it again... zoomed in, zoomed out, rotated it. Maybe...

But what did it matter? She was in DC. The tumor was in... Lexie glanced at the email.,the patient was a fellow doctor, from Seattle. And this was sent to her weeks ago. She sighed. She would love to attack this tumor... but she had brain mapping to do. Reluctantly she forwarded the email to Dr. Shepherd, the new Chief of Neuro, with a subject heading, 'Inoperable? Only if you're unimaginative..'

The screech of the brakes got her attention, and Lexie looked up, realizing she was at her stop. Sighing, she hefted her bag on her shoulder and pushed through the white and black suited people on the train.

She should have let Mark drive her. Washington was so dull.

xxx

Arizona picked up the chart and entered the patient's room confidently. "Hello, I'm Dr. Robbins, I'm here to do an ultrasound to see how everything's going along with the baby, okay?" she smiled and picked up the wand and jelly.

"Where's Dr. Herman?" The husband asked. Corey, his name was.

"Um, well," Arizona hadn't heard from Herman except a text message saying surgeries were cancelled and she was supposed to round on her service. She cleared her throat. "She had an appointment..." she lied, "With a patient..."

"But that's the whole point," Corey said. "She's supposed to be here, do the surgery to make sure we can carry the baby to term." He looked at his wife worriedly.

"Well, that's the plan, that's still the plan." Arizona tried to reasure her patient. Herman was the big gun. Right now, she was the little gun. But as she stared at the ultrasound, her stomach dropped.

"What? What is it?" Emily, the patient asked. "Why isn't she moving?"

Arizona glanced at Graham and swallowed. "From what I can see, the baby is bleeding into the tumor itself, which is causing her to become anemic."

"Oh God," Emily cried. "I want to call my mom."

"Emily," Corey squeezed his wife's hand. "Dr. Herman's going to do something about this right?"

Arizona nodded, "Yes, of course," she said. "Most likely, we'll perform an interuterine transfusion, I will apprise Doctor Herman, and we will be back to tell you how we'll be moving forward. Sit tight." With efficient movement, she wiped the jelly off Emily's abdomen and the wand, placing it back with the machine and gently covering her up before patting her hand and leaving her bedside.

"What are we gonna do?" Graham whispered as they left the room.

"The only thing we can, keep calling Herman and pray she picks up, or this baby's going to die." She said as she pulled her phone from her pocket.

As she checked it, she noticed several texts from Callie... Crap. She forgot, they'd made plans to get together last night... but she'd been so consumed by Herman and this fellowship that she'd forgotten.

She shook her head. She'd catch up with her later. Callie would understand. She wanted this for her right? This was just a bump in the road?

Right now she had to call Herman.

xxx

Amelia giggled, the world was a wonderful spinning blur. The house was empty for once. Then she saw the empty vodka bottle on the kitchen table and sudden anger struck her. She picked up the bottle and threw it against the wall in the living room, smashing it and a picture in the process. "I should just... knock that wall down," she slurred, staring at it. "More space, y'know. More space for me'n Merrri-deth." Swaying slightly, she picked up the picture. Of course it had to be a picture of HIM. Derek. "Hey you," she said, touching his happy smiling face. His teeth were too white. His hair too perfect. "You... Why'd you go? Why'd you leave me? You're my brother... 'sposed to protect me, instead... you..." she shook her head. She shouldn't be angry at him. It wasn't his fault he got shot.

But she was. Because there was so much unfinished with them. They'd never talked or reconciled. He saved her life, but he still hated her, resented her and her choices. And now she couldn't get him back.

Instead, she came here and took his place.

Why? Why did she do that?

Amelia laughed bitterly. She did indeed have his face, his job... Her anger swung from Derek to Meredith. "Who d'you think you are, bitch?" She threw the picture against the opposite wall. It smashed into pieces before sliding down behind the couch. "You're dead inside. You're nothing but an empty hollow shell!" Amelia bent over and flipped the coffee table over, the contents that rested on top falling on the floor. "Derek would be disgusted..." she sneered.

Under her foot was a coloring. She picked it up. One of Zola's she presumed. A girl on a swing. "Think a kid will fix you? Think you can be a mother? You can't even get over Derek... how do you expect..." she drifted off, suddenly overcome with emotion. Her son... her baby.

Angrily she ripped the picture into tiny little fluttering pieces. Meredith didn't feel anything. She just buried it. Like she buried Derek. Like she buried her baby.

She didn't understand how she did it. And she hated her for it. Because Amelia wasn't like Meredith. She felt things... deeply. And right now... she wanted it to stop. It just had to stop. The feelings... of anger and bitterness and loss and self hatred...

Amelia swayed again. She had to sit down. Plopping on the couch, her hand slipped into her jacket pocket to the baggie of crushed oxy. She pulled it out and stared at it longingly.

The pain. She just wanted it to stop.

"Amelia."

Owen's voice crushed her.

She discreetly tucked the baggie under her thigh. "Wh-what're you doing here?"

"I came to see if you're okay." He said, but she avoided his gaze. He wasn't supposed to be here. He wasn't supposed to care about her.

No one was supposed to care for her.

Why did he care about her?

"Why?" she asked.

"Because... I-um, I care. About you."

When she looked up at him, she saw he meant it and it scared her. "But..." she shook her head, "Why?"

"Because..." Owen stepped closer. He slipped beside her on the couch and wrapped an arm around her. And when he looked at her this time, his blue eyes were intense and full of meaning. "I... I think I'm falling in love with you."

"No," Amelia shook her head in denial and inched away from him. Nobody could love her. "I'm drunk. I'm a drunk. You can't love a drunk," she snorted.

"I..." He chuckled, and then turned serious. "Amelia, you're drunk because you feel things... You feel, so deeply and... it hurts, so you run. And hide... behind a desk, behind a job, surgery... behind a bottle." His thumb caressed her cheek, and he shook his head before looking out the window behind her. "I know... because I do that too. I _feel_ so deeply- that I- I don't talk about it... I don't want to remember..." he trailed off, but Amelia was entranced by him already. His scent, his warmth. "But we're supposed to feel." Owen looked back at her. "We're supposed to... love and hate and grieve- and break," he sounded so sure... His hand rested on her knee. "It's normal. It's human," he continued.

"Owen..." Amelia shook her head, pushing back thoughts of Derek, thoughts of her baby, thoughts of her father. "I can't- It hurts too much. I'll break."

"It's okay. We're supposed to. It's human. We break... we get destroyed, and then we build ourselves again. That means we're alive."

"Derek is Dead." Amelia croaked. "My baby is Dead, and I-" Her heart wrenched, twisted, contracted with pain and then the grief poured out. "Oh God!" she exclaimed as the feelings overtook her.

"Come here," Owen pulled her up and she felt his stubble on her forehead.

"Where are we going?" she sniffed as she leaned against him, trying to put one foot in front of the other.

"Home." He said.

"I thought you were leaving..." she mumbled.

"Not yet." He kissed her temple.

Amelia sighed, happy he was here. At least for now. "I made a mess," she giggled.

"It's alright. I'll text Meredith."

"Kay." she slipped her hand in her pocket. Wasn't she forgetting something? But the door was opening and Owen was leading her to his truck and everything just felt so... right. So she followed him into the night.

xxx

"- If you don't call me back in thirty minutes, I'm taking the baby out!" Arizona screamed into her phone. Herman had been AWOL, and now she had this huge decision to make. It wasn't fair. She never should have been put in this position.

On top of that, Callie wasn't returning her texts. "Argh!" she paced the on-call room. Suddenly the door opened. Penny. She looked flushed and upset. "Are you okay? Did you talk to the Chief?" Arizona asked.

"Oh..." Penny looked startled. "I'm... I'm okay. It's okay." She nodded and leaned against the door for a moment.

"Good, that's good." Arizona didn't have the energy right now to comfort the resident. She huffed. God she was a mess. Her hair all over the place, her scrubs wrinkled... she had to go to the attending's lounge and freshen up, and then find Alex and make sure he was ready for this surgery. Without really thinking, she rushed to the door, reaching past the resident. when it opened from the other side, bumping Penny into her arms.

"Oh," she said, catching her. And then she looked up and saw Callie's pained expression.

"Really?" Callie said, "I've been trying to reach you all day... and-" She gestured to the resident. "Seriously? Again?"

"No!" Arizona screamed out. "Callie!" But it was too late. Callie stormed off just as her pager beeped. Crap. This was turning out to be a fine mess.

xxx

Meredith wasn't one for make-up, but her crying fest earlier made her look awful, so she dabbed a little concealer under her eyes and a little on her cheeks, just so she wouldn't look like a mess when she met Janet.

Janet was already there, waiting for her on the porch.

Meredith forced a couple of breaths out before she exited. She could do this. The house was clean and appropriately child-proofed. All her paperwork was in order... there was nothing to worry about. In a couple of days, she could possibly have Zola living with her, and she'd be damned if she screwed this up.

"Hi Janet," she beamed, striding with as much confidence as she could muster to greet the socialworker.

"Meredith," Janet smiled at her warmly. "Are you ready?"

She nodded, "As ready as I'll ever be."

"Zola loves the doll you brought her by the way..."

"Really?" Meredith's heart swelled. Maybe... Maybe Zola would let her be her mom.

"Yes, I can't get her to put it down."

Meredith jabbed her key in the door and twisted. Oh. The door was already unlocked. Was Amelia here? She hoped not. She hoped she was at a meeting, or with Owen or something, because she definitely couldn't handle her being here right now.

Ignoring her anxiety, she led Janet in. "I uh, bought a bed for her last week... and put a few things-" she stopped as she stared at the living room. The coffee table was tipped over. Papers and glass littered the floor. There was a dent in the wall.

"Meredith, what happened?" Janet asked, concerned as she stepped in.

"I... I don't know," Meredith stuttered, her heart falling. "Amelia!" She called out, wondering if something happened to her... if she was okay. Crap. She shouldn't have said that stuff- she shouldn't have. "Excuse me.." she said to Janet as she pointed to the stairs. "My... Amelia and I had a fight earlier... and-" she couldn't finish the sentence, dashing up the the stairs. If she was here, she could explain... "Amelia?" but her room was empty. So was the bathroom. The house was empty. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, intending to call her, relieved when she saw three text messages from Owen.

But that relief was short lived as she read them.

 _Amelia was at your house drunk._

 _She was angry and sad... Made a mess._

 _She's okay for now. I'm with her. We'll talk later._

Crap. She knew it. It was too good to be true. She swallowed. Maybe she could still salvage this. She had a perfect record. She deserved a second chance. If she was just honest with Janet...

"Meredith?" Janet called. "Could you come down here please?" Meredith swallowed. That didn't sound good. Janet met her at the bottom of the stairs. "Come with me," she said, leading her back to the living room. Meredith stepped in cautiously, avoiding the glass. It smelled faintly of alcohol.

"Janet, I- um just got a message, and I can explain everything-" she started to say when Janet turned around and pointed to the couch. Meredith's gaze followed her finger to the clear plastic bag full of powder that just sat there.

"Can you explain this?" Janet asked seriously.

"I-" Meredith stared at the bag, and back at Janet. What happened? What was _that_ doing on her couch? "I-" Although she managed to stay standing- a big hole was opening up under her, threatening to swallow her whole. And she wasn't sure she would survive this time.

"Meredith?"

 **A/N:** I'm going to go hide now... Just remember I do happy endings okay? I really really do!


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N:** Hello, I'm back… I hope you are all having a great summer! I just bought a new laptop tablet thingamaroo and I am trying it out with this chap! I miss my macbook, but it was quite old and the battery wouldn't charge, so it was hard to write anywhere I wanted. Now I can! Whoo hoo!

 **Enjoy!**

In the exam room, Maggie watched the pulsating black and white image from the echocardiogram. The image gave her a good idea of what was growing on April's unborn child. "Well," she said, "It is a cardiac mass. Fortunately, these things have a history of being benign, most often, and it does look like something we could operate on if we had to." She turned to the OB. "Connie, if you could get a needle biopsy of that mass and put a rush on it, I need to know exactly what type of tumor this is."

"Tumor?" April whimpered, her voice shaky. Beside her, Jackson swallowed and squeezed his wife's hand.

Maggie noticed her anxiety. It must be terrifying to find out that there is something wrong with your child who is growing and being nurtured in your body. She wanted to support her new friend and colleague. She mustered a little confidence in her voice, bringing the thunder in a calm assertive manner. "To you, it looks scary, but to me, it's a challenge, and I never give up on a challenge, okay? Just hang in there. Once I know exactly what I'm dealing with, I will make a plan, and we'll go from there." She glanced from April to Jackson and back. "The good news is that so far, the tumor hasn't invaded the heart itself, so your child's heartrate hasn't been affected. These types of tumors are usually slow to grow, if at all and are usually benign."

"Benign?" April said.

Maggie nodded. "Benign. I'll know at the end of the day."

"See?" Jackson's voice was hopeful. "It'll be okay. Maggie's got this."

April just nodded numbly as she stared at the screen. "Can you get my mom?" she asked.

"Of course," Maggie replied, removing the wand and wiping off the gel. Then she remembered the thing about Zola, "April?" she asked.

"Hm?" April answered distractedly, her eyes fixed on the ceiling.

"Never mind, it's not important" Maggie decided that now wouldn't be a good time. "I'll go get Karen."

She walked out of the room and sighed heavily. Outside, in the hallway, April's sweet mother Karen looked up from her seated position. "Mag- uh, Dr. Pierce?"

"We still have to run some tests, but you can go and see her," she said.

"Oh, bless your soul," Karen said. "I'm praying for a miracle…"

Maggie smiled stiffly. Benign or not, cardiac tumors weren't something to mess with. "Of course," she said.

"Do you believe in Miracles?" Karen asked.

Maggie blinked, considering this… She wasn't naïve enough to believe that there wasn't a spiritual side to medicine, although she had yet to see her own 'miracle'. Definitively, she was a doctor, a scientist…

But things sometimes happened that were unexplainable.

"I believe…" she paused, "I believe that faith is a part of medicine," she said finally.

Karen stood up and reached for the door, "I Believe in Miracles. The good Lord brought Meredith back to us… he can heal a baby in utero."

Maggie nodded. "I hope so."

xxx

Jo sat with Stephanie at the Joe's. Since her talk with Alex earlier, she'd done some digging, and now she might have an answer for him. Hoped anyway. At least she could say she tried. Impatient, she ran her fingers along the neck of her bottle of beer.

The bell jingled, and a man walked in. "Is that the guy?" Stephanie nodded her head at the man who just entered the bar.

Jo looked over to see if she recognized him, "um, no."

"Okay, enlighten me. What are we doing here again?" Stephanie had been sort of dragged along in this, her partner in crime.

"Looking for Alex's sister?" Jo said, but that was only half the answer. She was also looking for a gun.

"Why does that sentence have a question mark at the end of it?" Stephanie asked,

"Because, I'm not exactly sure?" She sipped her beer and stared into space. Yes, she was a little street smart, and she was now almost into her third year of residency, and she'd beaten all the odds against her, but she felt she'd spent her life just floating, not having anything to ground her, until she found Alex. And she didn't want to lose her footing now. She couldn't lose him.

"Okay, seriously, what is going on with you and Karev?" Stephanie asked. "It isn't your fault his sister ran off, and knowing him… I'm not really surprised."

"It's…" Jo sighed, "I know what it's like okay? I know how Amber feels and how Alex feels, and I just want to fix it. I should've told him… about Amber. I should've gotten rid of the gun, it was stupid to keep it in the first place. I need to find her and get the gun back. Amber's… she's scared, and desperate. And desperate people do desperate things." She would figure everything else out later, right now, they had to secure the gun.

Her friend sighed reluctantly, "Whatever, I feel like I'm on some kind of cop show or something. How did you find this guy anyway? Who is he?"

"Oh, well his name is Dan Pruitt. He's a cop, I asked some of the nurses if they knew anybody who could help, and they recommended him. You know the shooting that killed Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yeah…"

"Dan was one of the cops involved. Anyway, I told him that Alex got shot that day and he said he'd help. He could do a welfare check on Amber's kid. And if we know where Amber's kid is, we'll find Amber."

"They can do that?" Stephanie asked.

"I guess so."

"Did you tell the cop about the gun?"

"Um, not exactly…"

"Jo," Stephanie chastised.

"Just- wait… that's him." Jo could recognize a cop anywhere. Dan stuck out in the crowd, a bit too clean-cut and confident in the crowd of tired hospital staff. She waved him over, and he nodded as he approached

"Hey," Dan called out.

"Hi," said Jo, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Jo?" Another voice said, causing her to cringe. "Who the hell is this guy?"

"Alex?"

xxx

Callie walked in a daze down the hallway. She didn't know what to think or feel anymore. Should she feel angry and betrayed? Or sad? Or embarrassed? How could Arizona do this to her, again? After everything she had done for her? It was unreal. She felt like she'd been hit by a hurricane. Everything was up in the air.

Her phone buzzed, shaking her out of her thoughts. If it was Arizona, she couldn't guarantee what would come out of her mouth. But it was Mark. "Hello?" she answered with a hoarse rasp.

"I'm gonna be a dad!" He exclaimed happily over the speaker.

"What?!" Callie came to a complete stop in the hallway, causing an orderly to collide into her. She barely noticed. What was Mark talking about?

But he was still talking "Well not… now exactly, but… Lexie and I… we're on the mend," His voice sounded distant over the phone.

"Well uh, that's great, that's- I'm happy- uh," Callie stammered.

"Hang on, I'm driving, I'm putting you on speaker." There was a shuffling noise as he fumbled with the phone. Finally, she heard him sigh on the other end. "You don't sound happy, Callie. What's wrong?"

For a split second, she wanted to hide the truth from him, but her mouth opened, and stuff came out. "Why does everyone I marry cheat on me? What's wrong with me, Mark? I just- what did I do wrong? What did I do? Am I… Am I a bitch or something?"

"Cal-,"

"Just tell me, Mark tell me what to do!"

"So, you have proof that she cheated on you?"

"Yes!" she exclaimed without thinking, and then she thought about it… It wasn't like she caught them kissing or something. She sighed, "No, not exactly."

"You need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Arizona loves you. You need to talk to her Callie."

"And say what, exactly?"

There was a long pause on the other end.

"Mark?"

"Stop trying so hard. If you both love each other the same way, it shouldn't be this hard. And if it is… Maybe you need to let her go."

"Mark…" Callie said, but there was no response. "Mark? Hello?" she pulled her phone from her ear and looked at it. _Signal Lost,_ "Okay…." Shrugging she continued on her way.

xxx

"Meredith?" Janet asked, leaning on the arm of the couch, her arms still wrapped around the clipboard.

"I can't," Meredith said. She steadied herself on the bookcase.

"Can't what?"

"Explain."

"So, you have no idea where that might have come from?" Janet nodded to the baggie of white powder that lay there.

In her mind, she saw herself back on that diving board. The water below looked so inviting. She leaped, graceful and smooth, like an Olympic athlete, seeing Zola's face in the reflection.

Meredith shook her head, "I-," She was trying really hard not to believe it was Amelia. Trying to give Derek's sister the benefit of the doubt.

"On your last home check, you had some medication?" Janet asked.

"Painkillers, for my pelvis…" Which she kept in her master bathroom, on the top shelf of her medicine cabinet. But she'd already checked that. No one had touched it.

"Your sister-in-law, Amelia, admitted that she was in Recovery." The social worker stated.

Sister Outlaw was more like it, Meredith mused. "She gave you a letter from her sponsor," Meredith replied. "She's been clean." She _was_ clean.

"I realize that," Janet remarked. "But relapses happen."

Meredith was back at the diving board, in freefall, but… was someone moving the tank?

She swallowed. _Just be honest,_ she thought. "I just got a text from her boyfriend. Amelia was here. He said she was drunk. She- she made this mess."

"And the drugs?"

"I don't know, Janet. It wasn't here when I left." That was the truth. She'd cleaned the whole place. She'd even baked cookies, which she was going to offer… but…

Meredith played nervously with her fingers. She could feel her heartbeat rising and she tried to control her breathing. _Please,_ she pleaded with her eyes. "Janet, this was just a little-," She tried, _a little what?_ "I'll kick her out." Meredith said, nodding with finality. "Amelia won't be living here anymore."

But Janet hugged her clipboard. "I'm sorry, Meredith, but this is serious. If a child was here when this happened…"

"It won't happen again. I swear. I would never- I couldn't- Zola-," Meredith stammered, feeling a lump rise in her throat. This wasn't happening. Not to her. Not again.

Janet picked up the baggie, examining it with a shrewd eye. "Fortunately this doesn't seem to be enough to warrant charges, but I will still have to alert CFS, and your case will be reviewed. The rules are very strict about this."

Halfway through her dive, Meredith flinched and flailed. "What about Zola?" She croaked. Would they really send her back to Africa?

"Zola will remain in foster care until her case is reviewed and a judge has made his decision."

"A judge? I have to go to court?" Once again, she had to prove herself. Lately, she'd been feeling like she always had to prove herself. A gust of wind blew her off course in her freefall.

"It appears so."

She was falling too fast and out of control, didn't someone get it? Couldn't someone do something? She stared at the only person who had power in this case. "Janet-Please… can you just…" she trailed off, because as a doctor, as a professional, she couldn't say the words that a mother would say. _Just pretend you didn't see that?_

"Meredith, you can't ask me to…" Janet responded quickly as she headed for the door, shutting down any wayward notion.

"I know, I know," she whispered as her heart contracted. Meredith was falling too fast, too fast, and no one was there to catch her. Except…

"Meredith?" Janet asked.

She threw out a flimsy net. _Pick me. Choose me. Love me._ "I would never intentionally hurt Zola," Meredith said, catching up with her at the door. "I couldn't- I- I'm sorry and I'll do better. I can. I- I've never wanted anything so badly in my life and- "Meredith's heart pounded, she gasped. "Please…" she begged. "I can't lose her. I've lost everything else. I can't lose-,"

Janet's usual implacable countenance faltered for a moment as she studied Meredith.

"I can't lose her." Meredith breathed.

"I'll do what I can." She said. And then she was gone.

Meredith took one final look around the living room, "Zola…" she whimpered. This was it. She leaped. She fell in love again, but she fell too fast and the water was as hard as cement. It broke her, gutted her. Flayed her from the inside out. What was left for her?

Nothing. She was empty and void of anything that seemed to matter anymore. Her hand shook as she stared at the picture of Zola on her phone, and then she was reminded of the text Owen sent, and Amelia and- "Dammit!" she cursed, flinging her phone hard against the wall where it cracked and shattered, the battery cover falling off.

The water was hard, and she couldn't breathe… she couldn't… why did everything have to be so damn hard? She stumbled back, her emotions overtaking her. She couldn't bury it anymore. Her back found a wall and her legs gave out from under her. Her hand flew to her chest, her heartbeat racing, _thudda-thudda-thudda-thudda-thudda,_ she gasped… she couldn't breathe...

"Hello?"

There was a creak from the front door. Who was here? Not like she cared, she was still trying to breathe.

"Hello?" _That voice._ "Meredith- Dear Lord, what happened in here?"

Crap. Meredith thought, _Carolyn._ "Meredith," Carolyn crouched down, and her silver hair and lightly tanned face appeared like a messy oil painting in front of her. "It's all right just breathe sweetheart, breathe…"

But she couldn't. Maybe she didn't want to. She was drowning again, and the blackness was so inviting. And then she passed out.

 **A/N:** One down, many more to go!

 **FYI, from now on, when I am working on a story, I'm going to update my profile at the top so everyone knows which story I'm currently on. So if you're wondering, you can check!**


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N** : Wow! Thanks everyone! Thanks to Patsy, Luciebean, Mandyg67, Melanie and two guests, and of course everyone else reading this and fav and following it! You guys amaze me!

 **Here we go!**

"I thought you were taking me home," Amelia asked before she realized she didn't even really know where home would be, now.

"We're just taking… a little detour," Owen said as they drove down a quiet dark road.

"Where?" she peered into the darkness.

Owen remained silent as the truck climbed a hill.

"Oh," Amelia sighed as she saw the sign for the cemetery

Gravel crunched under the tires as they slowed down, and finally stopped.

"Umm, you don't have to… I mean-," Owen gripped the steering wheel and stared ahead. "I-," he gestured futilely, before letting out a breath. "We can go if you want."

She stared out at the stone-marked field, considering it. "What should I do? Just…"

"You can talk, yell, kick scream… cry… any of it. All of it. Just… let it out, Amelia."

Slowly… achingly slow, she slid out of the truck. For a minute or two, she just stood there, staring. "Owen?" she called. "I don't even… I don't remember where-," She hadn't been here since the funeral, and she'd never even considered coming again.

He appeared right beside her with a flashlight. "I can take you." He slid his arm into the crook of her elbow, and she found herself being pulled gently along the grassy path until they came to her brother's gravestone.

She swallowed. "I-," she started.

A warmth came over her back, Owen, rubbing her in small circles between her shoulder blades.

"Oh," Amelia gasped, "Oh… Derek!" It hit her all at once. The pain. Everything. Her last memories of him before he died, her last thoughts…

" _He's getting married, you know…" Nancy droned over the phone._

" _What?" Amelia almost choked._

" _Mom gave him the Ring. The Ring, Amelia"_

" _Oh," she whispered._

" _Ugh, I can't believe it either, but well… he's Derek. And you know how lovesick he gets…"_

" _Yeah," Amelia supplied._

" _Well, I've got to go pick up the kids… Ciao little sis. Take care in LA."_

 _She sat there for a long time, staring at her phone. She could call him… just say 'congratulations.'_

 _Would he even answer?_

 _And then she imagined his voice, full of snark. "What do you want now Amy?" Because she'd used him before. Taken advantage of him, pulled him into the deep end with her. She'd hurt him, damaged his psyche on more than one occasion. He didn't want to talk to her._

 _Still… she picked up the phone and dialed, pressed talk, and… before it could ring she hung up._

 _She couldn't do it. She wasn't strong enough._

 _She would end up regretting it, because the last time she heard about him was from her mom, informing her that he'd been shot to death in a freaking OR._

She tried to bury it, but it was too much. Her baby too. Her unicorn baby…Her hands wrapped around her stomach in a protective gesture, and she sank to her knees, a blithering mess.

But through it all, Owen was there. His strong arms wrapped around her, his hand on the top of her head, pulling her to him, and they rested against the gravestone.

xxx

Lexie hung up her phone. She'd been trying to call Mark for the last hour, but he still wouldn't pick up. Sighing, she curled up on the couch in his tiny apartment and leaned back. She would try not to worry. He did say he'd be late because of the traffic.

She wanted to eat something, but strangely nothing in the house appealed to her. Even the oreo cookies she'd stashed in the top cupboard.

She swallowed back her nausea. Maybe she could ping his phone and find out where he was…

Or was that stalking? Was she really that immature? She sighed. "I'm an adult," she said out loud. "Mark's an adult. And he loves me. And… I can be mature… I can wait for him to come home, like every other sane person. Right?"

A thought occurred to her. She could cook dinner. Mark loved home-cooked meals. Picking up her phone again, she looked up some dinner ideas.

 _An hour ago:_

" _Just tell me, Mark…" Callie begged over the phone. "Tell me what to do!"_

 _Mark hesitated for a second. Was he the mature one in this situation? Holy crap, as Lexie would say. He sighed as he navigated his corvette down the freeway, thinking. Arizona hadn't seemed like the cheating type… until, well, until she cheated. But still, she seemed to really want to try and make this work, and if there is one thing that Mark knew about Arizona, it was that she loved Callie. Very much._

" _So you have proof she cheated on you?" he asked._

" _Yes!" Callie blurted. He waited…_

" _No, not exactly…" Callie sighed despondently._

 _He smiled a little to himself. Callie was so passionate. In matters of Love, she often acted with her heart, rather than her head. He checked his mirrors, he had to make a turn off in a couple exits. "You need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Arizona loves you. Talk to her Callie," He said as he shoulder checked and changed lanes._

" _And say what exactly?" She asked._

 _He couldn't answer right away… his attention pulled to the commotion behind him, some idiot swerved in the wrong lane and back again. What the hell?_

" _Mark?"_

" _Stop trying so hard," he said finally, thinking of him and Lexie. Yeah, he'd done a little grunt work, paid his dues, tried to prove that he was serious about her and wanted to respect her wishes at the same time. Callie, on the other hand, seemed to be looking for a reason not to be with Arizona._

 _Loving Lexie was easy. It was just there. He just did. So- "If you both love each other the same way, it shouldn't be this hard. And if it is," the loud roar of some kind of diesel pick-up blared at him as he checked his mirrors again. "Maybe you should let her go." He offered, hating himself for saying it… but-_

 _What the-!_

 _The truck careened in front of him, swerved, hit a cement barrier and then swung toward him._

" _Mark?" Callie's voice was the last thing he heard._

xxx

Arizona pulled of her bloody surgical gown and mask, and stormed into the scrub room, eyes leaking with tears. This shouldn't have happened… it shouldn't have. Placenta Percreta? How? How did this have to happen to her? To that beautiful mother and baby…

At least the baby was alive, and the tumor resected. She stared out the window at Graham, who was still in shock, crouched against the OR wall. Gritting her teeth in anger, Arizona toweled off her hands and banged the door open. Now she would have to tell the family that Emily was dead. That there was nothing she could do.

When she arrived at the waiting area, however, Dr. Herman was already there with Corey, who just stood there in shock as she appeared to be delivering the news to him.

For a second, their eyes met, and Dr. Herman nodded to her. After a moment, she left Corey silently.

"Dr. Robbins," Herman stated, closing the door behind her.

"What the hell was that? Where were you? You just… you left me- I-,"

"Dr. Robbins," Herman snapped. "Pull yourself together."

Arizona sucked in a breath, her gaze growing cold. How dare she-

"Come with me," Herman said, tucking her labcoat against her.

Arizona followed, stunned. This was it. She wasn't going to put up with this crap anymore. She was through. Herman could screw herself. They entered the attendings lounge, and Arizona opened her mouth, ready to blast her teacher…

Herman strode to the bathroom and the door slammed in her face. Behind the door, Arizona could hear the sound of her retching.

Crap.

"Umm, Dr. Herman?" Arizona asked.

More retching. A little cough. Water ran and the toilet flushed.

The door opened, and Herman pushed past her. "Everything you did today… Everything, was right." She said as she wiped her eyes and nose. "I was watching you through the hospital interface. You made the right call. Every decision you made was the right one." She swallowed, and sat down on the chaise, crossing her legs. Like nothing happened, like she hadn't just blown chunks

"What the hell?" Arizona jerked back, amazed, shocked. "What was this? Some kind of test? What? Just throw me off the deep end to see if I'd swim?"

"The Percreta was unlikely to have been discovered," Herman continued. "The least I could've done was perform an interuterine transfusion, given the baby more time…" She shook her head. "But… without further tests…" she sighed.

"You're not answering my questions." Arizona stated, "Where the hell were you? I needed you. The patient needed you. What is wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry, I needed the day off. My doctor wanted me to take another round of chemo… and… it hit me harder than I thought it would."

"Wait… what?" Chemo? She had cancer?

As if reading her mind, Herman gazed sternly at her. "I have a brain tumor. I've been told it's inoperable," she shrugged. "I have about six months, if my oncologist is right. Which is why I'm glad I chose you for this fellowship."

Arizona sucked in a breath. She felt dizzy, so she slowly sank down onto the couch beside Herman.

"So," Dr. Herman leaned forward, "Are you still in?"

Xxx

"Dr. Pierce?"

Maggie looked up at the lab tech. God, her thoughts were miles away. "I have your lab results…" he handed her a brown envelope.

"Of course," she smiled slightly, "Thank you," tucking them in her arm, she frowned. She still hadn't heard from Meredith about the home check. She shrugged, maybe no news is good news?

Speaking of news… the results of the biopsy of the tumor on April's unborn baby. She pulled it out and her heart sank.

The cells were malignant. It was likely the tumor would grow and block the blood flow to the heart. Maggie sighed, her heart heavy.

She strode down the hall, took the elevator to the third floor and continued walking until she got to the place April said she'd be.

The chapel.

There she was, slouched slightly on the pew, hand resting on her bump as Karen prayed over her.

Maggie glanced at the results, and then back at the mother-daughter pair. Jackson was nowhere to be found. Probably with Noah or something. She wanted to go ahead and tell them… but looking at them, fervently in prayer… she just couldn't. Tomorrow. She'd tell them tomorrow.

She knew what would cheer her up though. A trip to the dollar store to buy supplies for Zola's party.

xxx

An hour and a half later, Maggie knocked on the door of Meredith's house, plastic bags full of glitter and purple and shiny stuff. "Hello?" she called out as she entered. "Mere?"

Nothing.

Strange, Maggie thought. Her car was in the driveway… but something felt… off.

"Hello," a voice said, "You must be a friend of Meredith's." An older woman stepped into the living room from the kitchen.

"I… Who are you?" Maggie asked.

"Carolyn," she said, stepping forward and holding out her hand.

Maggie shook it the grip was warm and firm. "Maggie," she introduced herself. "But… how do you know Meredith?"

"I consider her my daughter in law," Carolyn said simply. Maggie did the math in her head. Was this… Derek's mother? "I was worried… I hadn't heard from her in a long time, so I used my air miles to…" Carolyn trailed off, shaking her head. "I'm glad you're here, something happened." Her tone turned business-like, and she gestured to the house. "I arrived to find her in a state of immense panic. The living room… a disaster, and Meredith," she tilted her head to the kitchen, "She hasn't said a word."

Sudden heartbreaking concern struck her. Did something happen with the homestudy? Maggie dropped her bags immediately and strode to the kitchen, Carolyn at her heels. "Mere?" she called, "Meredith?"

Empty grey-green eyes looked up at her, correction, devastated. Meredith swallowed thickly, her fingers sliding over the glass of water in front of her.

"Did Janet- the home check, did-," Maggie stuttered.

But Meredith shook her head once, shutting down any further question.

"Zola?" Maggie couldn't help but ask.

"It's not happening," Meredith whispered. "I'm not- she's not- They don't think I can be her mother."

It didn't make sense. Everything had checked out before. Everthing had been perfect this morning. There was even cookies. Her mother's delicious chocolate chip recipe they'd baked early this morning. Everyone had been so excited. "What? Meredith, what happened?"

"It doesn't matter," Meredith said, her eyes drifting to Carolyn for a second. "It was a stupid idea. I never should've-," her eyes glazed over with a sheen of wetness. Then she stood up suddenly, knocking her chair over.

"Meredith-," Maggie reached for her, but her sister twisted away.

"Don't-," she rasped.

"Dear," Carolyn blocked the door. "What's wrong?"

"Get out of my way," she snarled.

"No," Carolyn crossed her arms. "I'm worried about you. You can talk to me, I care about you."

"Well, you shouldn't." Meredith said coldly. "I'm a Shepherd killer. Derek's dead. Your grandchild is-," she choked. "And Amelia…" she shook her head and narrowed her eyebrows. "Get out of my way."

Carolyn reached for her instead, but Meredith snatched her arm away. "Don't touch me!" she whirled around and stormed out the back door.

A hand to her chest, Carolyn huffed in shock. But Maggie chased after her sister. She wouldn't give up so easily. Except Meredith was already in her car, in the driveway, backing up. Maggie continued to pursue, hoping she would stop, but she didn't.

"Mere!" She called out, but only the screeching of tires answered her.

 **A/N:** Hmm… I wonder where she is going? Guesses? Reviews most welcome! Thanks everyone for your support! You are awesome!


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N:** Thanks to all the cool people who reviewed last chap! That was a significant chapter for all the characters involved. I know a lot of you hate Amy for what she did, but don't forget that she also lost a baby and a lover, and her brother. On top of it all, Meredith said some very hurtful things… really the straw that broke the camel's back. Amy doesn't have a support system like Meredith does, so she is a lot more prone to impulsive lapses in judgement.

I haven't forgotten Anna either, with the Zola storyline, she kind of took a back seat, but you'll see her soon, and Zola too!

As for Mark… I think Shonda doled out enough death… not planning on continuing that tradition anytime soon… How will our Grey's characters deal with Mark's accident? We'll see soon enough!

 **Enjoy!**

 _Mark drifted, he felt like he was floating, he looked down and winced. "Ooh." It was an awful sight before him. "That's just nasty…" He saw paramedics and firemen rushing around the scene. They shredded his corvette like it was paper. "Damn. I loved that car."_

" _Mm," a familiar voice said. Mark spun around to see Derek beside him, watching the scene._

" _Hey man!" Mark grinned, happy to see his friend. "Long time, no see!" He slapped him on the back._

 _Derek coughed, "Oh, yeah! You too!"_

 _Then something occurred to Mark. "Shit. Wait, hold on… Derek, am I… am I dead?"_

 _Suddenly they were in the ambulance, beside the frantic paramedics, as they worked on him._

" _I don't know," Derek smirked, "Are you?"_

 _Marked checked his vitals, a little tachy. His blood pressure was low. He probably had internal bleeding, but his body was breathing. "Hey, I haven't kicked the bucket yet. Cool! I'm still alive man!"_

" _Yeah," said Derek. "It'll hurt like a bitch, but you'll be fine."_

 _They rode in silence for a moment, just enjoying the reunion. "So ah… what is this? An out of body thing?"_

" _Sort of," Derek said. "It's Limbo."_

" _Neither here nor there." Mark said, nodding, quoting Seuss._

" _What?"_

" _Green eggs and Ham," he said._

" _I prefer bran myself." His best friend quipped._

" _Ha ha…" Mark replied snidely. Below him, the monitors connected to his body beeped, indicating a drop in blood pressure. "You're sure, right?" He asked Derek. "I'm not gonna die?"_

" _Not if you don't want to."_

" _Good, cause I don't wanna die. I've got too much too live for now. Sofia… Lexie… Derek, Lexie said she… she said she wants a family. With me. I can't give that up. I worked too hard to have that with her._

" _I know." Derek said._

 _Mark looked down. Whoa, time passed strangely here in Limbo. He was already in surgery._

" _You'll be fine," Derek said. "And Lexie… she really does love you a lot."_

" _I know…" he said softly._

" _Mark, I need you to do something for me."_

" _What is it?"_

" _I need you to tell Meredith something…."_

xxx

Mark blinked and choked. Everything was so damn bright. He couldn't breathe. There was a tube… why – what? He tried to reach for it, but someone grabbed his hand. "Mark, it's me… it's Lexie,"

He blinked again, his blurry vision coming into focus until he saw brown hair and familiar dark green eyes. He wanted to talk but he couldn't breathe why couldn't- what…

Lexie's words were soft and calming, though he was too out of it to understand. "Accident….surgery…intubated…fine… call seattle…"

But he felt her hand around his, and he knew he could do this one little thing…

He squeezed it, before the sedatives took him away again.

xxx

"Who the hell is this guy?"

"Alex?" Jo looked up from her drink.

Alex regarded his girlfriend, someone he was pretty sure he wanted to spend he rest of his life with, and wondered what she was doing at the bar with some clean-cut dude he'd never seen before.

But the man beat Jo to the punch. "Dan Pruitt," He said, offering his hand which Alex shook slowly as he sized him up. "You must be Karev."

"Yeah…" Alex replied, shooting a questioning gaze at Jo. She mouthed, 'sorry,' and shrugged. "What's this about?"

"Well, uh," Pruitt rubbed the back of his neck. "You're Amber's brother right?"

Alex nodded.

"I'm with Seattle PD. Your girlfriend asked me to do some digging around, she thought Amber might be in trouble with this… Brent guy and his dad."

Alex nodded again, wishing he had a beer. It would give him something to do.

"Well, I did some checking, the daughter Amber gave up for adoption is in Seattle. And… it looks like Brent, the supposed 'sperm donor,' lives in the same neighborhood."

Now Alex knew… without a shadow of a doubt, why his sister was here in Seattle. And he knew that she hadn't left. When he glanced at Jo again, she guiltily shook her head. Pruitt didn't know about the gun. "I need a beer," he muttered. "And then you're gonna tell me where this Brent fucker is."

xxx

Owen held Amelia as she stared at Derek's tombstone. He'd known, once he got her in the truck, that he needed to take her here. That she needed to process things. She hadn't dealt properly with all the losses in her life. That was evidenced by her inebriated state.

"Why'd you bring me here?" she asked.

Owen squeezed her hand and cocked his head to the side. "Maybe you need closure."

"Closure." Amelia nodded slightly, her voice breaking.

He didn't know how else to tell her. As much as he wanted to protect her from the pain of loss, he couldn't enable denial when it led to so much self-destruction.

"Huh," Amelia mumbled. Owen waited patiently. For what exactly, he didn't know. "The funeral…" Amelia said, "It was terrible. I mean… the service was an excellent service. Everyone was kind, and said nice things… There were so many people, but- we were all just in shock, I think."

"Mm," Owen held her closer and rubbed her back. "I remember."

"I just remember thinking… Is this it? Is this how my life is going to play out? First my dad gets shot, and now Derek too? How does this happen?"

Owen could only shrug, his heart aching for her.

"Everyone was a mess. We were all just… Mom, she was stricken. But she was so strong… Nancy and Liz were nitpicking and Kathleen was playing peacemaker. Addison and Mark kept reminiscing about 'the good old days,' whatever that meant… and I didn't know anybody else there, so… I just left during the wake. Mom was so upset, but…" she shook her head, "I couldn't be there. Another funeral?"

"Amelia…" Owen consoled.

"He hated me," Amelia blurted.

"I'm sure he-,"

"I stole his prescription pads. I crashed his mustang and overdosed. If he hadn't found me…," She shook her head. "He saved my life. And I… I…" she tucked her hand into her pocket, as if looking for something, then shrugged. "So, what? I just live his? Come to Seattle and be the 'other Dr. Shepherd? Live in his house? Do his job? God… I feel… I feel so… _fake-,"_

"You're not-,"

"I totally-,"

"Amelia…" Owen turned to face her completely. His hands slid down her forearms.

"What?" she rasped. Her fingers toyed with the zipper on the bottom of her jacket until he gripped them with his own. He gazed at her softly, though she refused to look at him.

Tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear and sighed, "You feel… incomplete. Like something is missing. Like you need something, but that something, whatever it is…" Owen cupped her chin, "is gone." Unfortunately, he knew the feeling. But unlike Derek, there was no gravestone for Megan.

Amelia looked up at him, and Owen forced thoughts of his sister out of his mind. He couldn't afford to be triggered right now. "He's gone." Owen said, knowing that the word 'he' was a conscious decision that could possibly encompass all the men in Amelia's life.

"He's gone." Amelia gasped as the reality struck her. She shivered in his arms, "I hate this."

"Mm." Owen replied.

"I never got to say sorry."

Owen looked at the tombstone, "You can say it now."

xxx

Carolyn sat at the kitchen table in a daze. Meredith's abrupt reaction to her appearance shook her. But in her mind, she was carefully adding two and two together.

 _Just a few minutes ago._

" _Hello?" Carolyn tried the door and to her relief, it was open. She stepped in, all too aware that this was definitely a surprise for Meredith. She knew that if she called ahead, Meredith would likely try to avoid her, and thought it best that she didn't know._

 _Ever since her conversation with Mark, Meredith had been in the forefront of her thoughts, and Carolyn thought she should check up on her daughter in law, if only to ease her mind._

 _Except the sight before her did nothing of the sort._

 _Right there in the foyer, against the stairs, Meredith was gasping for air._

" _Meredith- Dear Lord, what happened in here?" Carolyn exclaimed as a quick survey revealed an upturned table and broken glass in the living room. Had there been a break in? Should she call the police?_

 _But her attention was drawn back to Meredith, whose breaths seemed to be coming shorter and shorter. "Meredith," Carolyn crouched down as Meredith struggled for air. It was clear she was having a panic attack. "It's all right, just breathe, sweetheart, breathe…"_

 _Meredith swallowed and gasped, and Carolyn felt a spear in her heart when she saw the look in her eyes. Absolute devastation. Loss, even more extreme then when Derek died, because, in the depths of those irises was profound hopelessness._

 _Before Carolyn could do anything more, Meredith closed her eyes and passed out._

" _Meredith?" She called, shaking her, but she didn't move. Thankfully she was still breathing. It seemed her autonomic nervous system had taken over. "Oh…" Carolyn sighed wearily. She paused to figure out what to do. Should she call the police? An ambulance?_

 _Glancing at Meredith, she decided it would be best to wait. Meredith appeared to be unharmed right now, and she didn't want to create unnecessary tension and anxiety for the poor woman._

 _She grabbed a pillow and blanket from the couch and brought it over, propping her daughter-in-law into a more comfortable position, and draped the blanket over her small form._

 _Then she turned her attention to the living room and began to tidy up._

 _About five minutes later, a noise got her attention._

 _Sniffling._

 _Carolyn put her rag down and drifted to the foyer. At the base of the stairs, Meredith had pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her head between. Her body shook with stifled sobs._

" _Meredith, are you all right?" Carolyn approached her slowly, "Are you hurt? What happened?"_

 _Meredith only shook her head and wiped her eyes before standing._

" _Meredith?" Carolyn asked as the younger woman shuffled past her into the kitchen. It seemed like a lost cause. She watched uncertainly as Meredith stared at the large square oak table in the kitchen._

 _Worried, Carolyn searched the cupboards for a glass and filled it with water. "You're probably dehydrated dear," she said, cupping it into Meredith's hands._

 _Without a word, Meredith sat down at the table. To Carolyn's relief, she took a small sip._

 _And for the next fifteen minutes, she remained there._

 _Xxx_

Carolyn gripped Meredith's phone, put the battery back in, and turned it on.

"Um, would you like something to drink?" Maggie asked. "Tea?"

"Who's Zola?" Carolyn asked, getting right to the point. _"They don't think I can be her mother,"_ Meredith had said, moments ago. "Who doesn't think she can be a mother, Maggie? Was Meredith…? Was she-,"

"She wanted to adopt a little girl." Maggie said, frustrated, "Zola." She filled a teapot with water.

"Lord," Carolyn gasped. "So she had been trying-,"

"To be happy? Yeah." Maggie walked over to the table and sat down. "I don't get it. Today was the final home check. We were pretty sure that family services would grant custody. She tried so hard, Carolyn. She followed everything to the letter. She even baked cookies…" Maggie nodded to the tupperware container in the middle of the table, "By herself."

Carolyn raised an eyebrow. She recalled a few conversations with Derek over the phone where he mentioned Meredith's cooking… it was always with a little laughter, and usually with her yelling in the background-'It's edible, isn't it?'

Cautiously she reached for the container and peered into it. "These cookies," she said. "They have smiley faces on them."

Maggie smiled. "Yes, it's my mother's recipe. Meredith followed the directions, and voila! My sister _can_ bake!"

"Sister?" Carolyn asked as she picked up a soft, golden brown cookie with blue dots for eyes and a pink frosting smile. Wasn't Lexie Meredith's sister? Maggie sure didn't look like Meredith's sister.

"Oh, um… half sister. Her mother…" Maggie sighed. "Her mother gave me up for adoption, Meredith was too little to really remember."

"I see." Carolyn said.

"She had a baby?" Maggie asked softly.

Carolyn regarded the woman, sizing her up. There was so much history with Meredith, and she knew how private she was. How carefully she tucked everything in because letting it out was too painful. She realized that Maggie had probably pieced a few things together and was looking for confirmation. "Yes," she said softly, as her mind raced back to that awful horrific day. "She found out she was pregnant the day Derek died… she _lived_ for that baby. But, there was an accident. Meredith's injuries were too severe, and the baby died before she was born."

Bereft of an appetite, Carolyn put the cookie down.

"How does this happen?" Maggie exclaimed. "How does the universe just take and take and take? You know, when I first met Meredith, I thought she was a bitch. She called me a liar, she avoided me… she even… barfed on me. I almost gave up on her, Carolyn. I came all this way to find her, and for a little while, I was like, screw this… I don't want anything more to do with her. But-,"

"She grew on you." Carolyn input. She had to admit, although she'd never doubted Meredith and Derek's love for each other, she was at times, a little uncertain they could pull together. But… there was something endearing about Meredith, about her survivorship, her capacity to face hardship, that just drew Carolyn in.

"I realized… she was just… really hurting." Maggie swallowed, "Everyday she tries to put one foot in front of the other… That's why this is so important. She needs Zola to heal. She needs love."

Carolyn glanced down at Meredith's phone. There, on the slim screen was a wallpaper of Meredith, and a dark little girl with frizzy hair tied up in two puffs. The child's white smile gleamed alongside an equally bright and joyous smile from Meredith, who looked like an entirely different person from the hopeless mess she saw earlier. "We have to fight this, Maggie," she said, looking into Maggie's fierce dark eyes. "We can't give up. We can't let _her_ give up."

Xxx

The wind was cold, and she'd forgotten her jacket, but she didn't care. Why should she? It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Her broken heart, held together with nothing but tape had once again been violently ripped out of her chest, stomped on, and thrown into the gutter.

Meredith unconsciously tugged at her shirtsleeves and hunched her shoulders as she stared down at the moving water.

It wasn't too far down.

Her thin fingers clutched the cold railing of the ferryboat. She'd cried already. The steering wheel of her Lexus was soaked with her tears.

Now there was none left.

Was this it? Was this how the story ended? She didn't know she could love again until she met Zola. She didn't know that she loved Zola until today. Anatomy Jane had proved it.

Some thirty odd years ago, Anatomy Jane had been the tenuous line between Meredith and her mother, the one thing that told her five-year-old self that her mother cared in some way about her.

Giving it to Zola was an extension of that line. Except it wasn't tenuous. Meredith had been prepared, been preparing herself to offer so much more. She'd been ready. Except she didn't realise how ready she was until that line was cut. Snapped, ripped, shredded.

And now Zola was gone.

Yeah… she knew she could fight it, she knew she would get another shot, have her day in court or whatever...

But all the what-ifs were too much. The finality of a judge's gavel levied against her and the possibility of never, _ever_ seeing that little girl again was too much to fathom.

Meredith was _furious_ with Amelia. Imagining what that woman did, or wanted to do in her living room made her eyes burn and her throat constrict with rage.

But the worst part was her own anger at herself. She'd gone soft. She listened to everyone around her and leaped, head first, heart as wide as she would allow, and smashed into a block of cement.

It fucking killed her.

No wonder Ellis ran. No wonder she became hard-core surgery Goddess. Loving people hurt too much.

She was done.

Meredith squeezed the railing until her fingers hurt. Until her wrists ached. Until the heat from her hands transferred to the dull metal.

She wondered how cold the water was.

Shivering, she turned away from the churning water and faced the deck. It was fairly late, and only a few people milled about the concourse. She didn't know what to do. She thought about going to the cemetery… but to do that she needed tequila, and she just didn't have it in her to do that again.

She couldn't protect Derek from Gary Clark. She was right there, in front of the gun, telling him to shoot her instead…

But Clark ignored her and shot her husband in the head before he shot himself.

She couldn't protect Grace… Carolyn had offered to take a taxi, but _she,_ stupidly independent and enormously pregnantinsisted on picking her up, because cab fare was insane.

And Zola?

She started _that_ fire. She knew Amelia was fragile, but she just let loose with the dark and twisty, on the same day of her home check. Good Job Meredith, way to sabotage yourself.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. To Derek. To Grace. To Zola.

It should have been her.

It _should_ have been her.

It should have been _her._

Meredith stared blankly into space, stuck again between life and death. Not knowing how to move on.

Movement caught her eye. A familiar light brown jacket and orange hair. And a familiar mane of perfect long dark locks

Amelia.

Meredith blinked and did a double-take. And suddenly she had no control over herself. Everything she packed and bottled away inside started to spill out. The survivor in her latched on to this opportunity as it made Amelia her new target and she launched herself at her. "Hey!"

xxx

"Are we going where I think we're going?" Amelia asked.

"Derek's land? Yes."

"Oh."

"It's technically your mother's property now, but…" Owen shrugged. "She hasn't done anything with it, so I don't think she'll mind. His trailer is still there. Meredith goes there sometimes, I think."

"Oh." Amelia said.

"I just thought-,"

Suddenly, there was a blur in her peripheral vision. "Hey!" An angry voice called.

Amelia and Owen stopped and glanced in the direction of the voice. Where had she heard that-?

But there was no time to think as she was suddenly being pushed backwards. Meredith appeared in a thin purple sweater, flushed and angry as she clutched the lapels of Amelia's jacket, pushing her away from the safety of Owen's arms. "Meredith-," Amelia gasped. "Mere-what-,"

"You!" Meredith screamed. "How could you? How could you do that to me?"

What? Do what? Amelia thought frantically, confused as she struggled to stay upright. Oh… the drunk thing. Dammit. "Mere- I-," she tried to apologize. But there was something about the viciousness of Meredith's tone, the haunted look in her eye, and the pure… desperation that made Amelia this was about something else entirely.

She wrestled with Meredith's hands as her back hit the railing of the ferryboat. Damn that woman had a strong grip. "Let go of me! Meredith! Ow!"

"Meredith!" Owen boomed as he grabbed his friend from behind, locking her arms behind her. Meredith tried to kick out of it, but it was futile..

"I'm sorry," Amelia said. "I'm sorry I was drunk in your house," she offered genuinely. That had been a mistake, a very costly one, she was now realizing.

"You're sorry? You're sorry now?" Meredith shouted, struggling against Owen. Not finding an avenue of attack, Meredith spat at Amelia, but she dodged it.

"Grey!" Owen yelled, pulling her back.

What the hell was going on? Amelia thought, "God, Meredith! I was just trying to help, but you decided to practically disown me! I thought we could support each other, but it turns out you're just jealous! So, you should be happy to know that I, Amelia Shepherd, fell off the wagon. Again. For the umpteenth time. So sorry I did it in your house, which happens to be where live I too. Oops," she held up her hands in mockery. "At least I didn't barf all over your sister."

"Amelia!" Owen warned as Meredith seethed in his grip.

"Sorry," she said quickly, realizing her slip. She was still pretty drunk, despite her sobering trip to the cemetery. "Meredith… I had a terrible lapse in judgement today, I handled some things very badly. And, I am very, truly, deeply sorry."

"You're sorry," Meredith repeated tonelessly.

"I'm sorry." Amelia said. It bared repeating.

Meredith shook her head, "Yeah? Because of what you did, Zola's gone!"

Her words struck Amelia like a physical blow. "What?" she rasped, dazed with confusion. What did… what did Zola have to do with this equation?

"You're mad at me. You got drunk. Fine. I get it. I've been there. But you forgot something."

Amelia's thoughts drifted back… what had she forgotten? And then she remembered this morning Meredith baked cookies. "The home study…" she whispered.

"Yeah," Meredith nodded angrily.

"That was today…" Amelia's vision blurred as she recalled tipping over the coffee table, tearing up some kind of drawing, throwing a bottle…

"Yeah."

She screwed up. Royally."I-," Her hand immediately went to her pocket. Her Oxy. She tucked it under her thigh to hide it from Owen. "Oh… Oh God, Meredith I-," her heart wrenched as the implications of her actions struck her.

"I know I said some really mean things…but-," Meredith gasped and choked. "What you did… How? how could…?" she shook her head, unable to finish the sentence. It was as if every bit of strength she had left her body. If Owen wasn't behind her, Meredith probably would have fallen. "I don't know how to do this, how to _keep_ doing this…. She swallowed. "Zola came back. I was terrified. I didn't _want_ to love her. I didn't." she shook her head. "But I couldn't help it. It happened so fast. And she… she… I…" her gaze drifted up to the left, to the sky. "I'm just done. I'm done trying. I'm done loving. I'm done hoping. I'm done hating. I don't even hate you for what you did, Amelia… because it's just not worth it."

"Mere-? What are you saying?" These were not good things to hear. These were things people said when they were done with life.

"Grey?" Owen said.

"I don't know…" Meredith said, turning her attention to the water.

"Maybe we should get you home," he replied. "I can take you in my truck." He offered.

"It's okay," Meredith replied. "I think I'll go to Derek's for awhile."

"A while?" Owen asked. "Grey, I don't think you should be alone."

"I won't be," she said.

Xxx

Meredith pulled up to the trailer. She hadn't been here in months. Stepping out of the car, she stared up at the many stars that lit up the sky like glitter, and wished a tiny wish.

She lied.

She wasn't done hoping.

But at this very moment, she was done trying.

It hurt too much to see her efforts trampled on. There was no more energy left for it. Rummaging in an old flowerpot, she found a key and opened the door to the musty trailer.

Thankfully the water and heat still worked, and after using the bathroom to pee and scrub the last remnants of tears from her cheeks, she dug up Derek's favorite worn blanket and collapsed on the bed.

Cocooning herself in it, in Derek, she fell asleep.

Xxx

 **A/N:** Whew! Please review! Also, if you want to cheer up a little, I updated my story **Out of Body Experience** , so please go read that one next! Stay tuned in couple days for **Gone Baby Gone**


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N:** Well, it's been awhile, but I'm here… I haven't forgotten. Thanks so much you guys, I know you're hooked. So am I!

 **Enjoy!**

 _Two weeks later:_

Carolyn made it her mission to get up early every day since Meredith had returned home from the trailer. She got up, made coffee, toast, and sliced fruit. A good day always started with a good breakfast. And since Meredith returned from the trailer, she'd rarely spoken to anyone. She got up earlier than Maggie even, for pre-rounds, and came home late, never hanging around, just straight to shower and sleep.

Carolyn knew she was overstaying her welcome, but she needed to talk to Meredith, convince her, that she could continue… that she should keep trying. The busy surgeon had gotten wise to this, and was now staying overnight at the hospital. But Maggie had texted Carolyn last night, saying that Meredith had been complaining about the lumpy beds and would be home.

Carolyn decided to give it one last shot before things between them were erroneously ruined. She found Meredith's car keys in the dish by the door and took them with her into the kitchen. She waited, sipping a mug of black coffee while she perused the newspaper.

Right on time, she heard the familiar noises from upstairs, signaling Meredith was up. She breathed a calming breath. This would not be easy. Meredith's footfalls on the stairs caused her to put her mug down and look up expectantly. Was it her imagination or were they slower than the usual light jog Meredith took?

She heard Meredith open the door before cursing about her missing keys. Sounds of movement came from the living room as she searched, suddenly the kitchen door opened and Meredith appeared. Her hair was tied back, bangs framing her face, deep wells under her eyes. "Where's my keys?" she asked abruptly, a tinge of accusation in her voice.

Carolyn looked up over her mug, "Good morning, dear," she greeted neutrally. A mother of four daughters, she knew how to do this. "We need to talk."

"You have my keys, give them to me." Meredith demanded, holding a hand out while crossing the other over her stomach.

Carolyn set her mug down, "not until we talk."

"There's nothing to say," the younger woman stated. "Give me my keys, and start packing your bags, you've well overstayed your welcome and you know it."

"Dear-,"

"Forget it, I'll just call a cab." Meredith pulled her phone out of her purse and tapped on the screen.

Carolyn knew deep inside her that Meredith was just covering up intense hurt, and her window for affecting change was closing quickly. She snatched at Meredith's phone.

"Don't-," Meredith exclaimed as she spun away, but she bumped the table, and the phone clattered on the floor. "Dammit!" Meredith slowly bent to pick it up, but Carolyn managed to get to it first. As she straightened, Meredith hissed softly in pain and rubbed her hip.

"Dear…" Carolyn trailed off.

"It's nothing!" Meredith managed, looking away from her as she leaned against the table.

Carolyn eyed her with disbelief and waited, clutching the phone and keys, hoping Meredith would give her a clue, open up… do something.

Meredith didn't. But she didn't move away either.

"I'm worried about you," Carolyn said finally.

"You shouldn't. I'm fine."

"You're barely sleeping. I haven't seen you eat in three days. You don't hang out with your sisters or your friends. You haven't even visited Mark. I don't think you've had a single day off since… I'm worried. And for very good reason. You won't even look at me."

Meredith's fingers tapped the back of the chair. She bit her lip. Her gaze shifted to the keys and phone in Carolyn's hands. She released a short breath, "because I can't," she whispered.

"Meredith…" Carolyn chastised softly.

"No," Meredith shook her head. "I-I can't look at you, okay? Because he was perfect. He was perfect for me, and he loved me and- I couldn't… I couldn't stop Clark. And… the airport, I should've… driven better. Slower… or-," she sniffed, and wiped the corner of her eye. "I feel like it's my fault."

Carolyn reached for the woman, "It's not-," she started to say, but Meredith backed away from her touch.

"I _know_ -," she spat, stepping away from the chair. "In my head, I _know_ it's not my fault, but… and I see you and… I just can't stop thinking… I…" Her pained grey gaze met Carolyn's, Meredith's brokenness shone through the clear glaze of her unshed tears. "So, I can't. Look at you." She swiped clumsily at the tears on her face. "Can I have my keys?" she asked.

Carolyn nodded with understanding. They were getting somewhere, but they weren't quite there yet. She fiddled with the keys in her hand, debating… "I know," she said. "Derek was the same way… when his father died." She looked up at Meredith. "He saw it happen… at the store with Amelia."

Meredith's gaze flicked to Carolyn, her expression stricken.

"He blamed himself too," Carolyn continued, unable to stop the quick, uncertain grimace that flashed briefly over her features. "He was just a boy…" she trailed off, jingling the keys. "Violence. It doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense when you lose…" she choked, thinking of her late husband, her dead son, her lost grandchild. "It wasn't his fault. It's not yours, either."

"But-,"

"Eventually," Carolyn continued, looking down at her fingers, "Eventually, it went away… the guilt, and he became Derek again… a different Derek, I suppose… but… he could smile, be happy. Be himself." She thumbed the screensaver on Meredith's phone, the black screen fading away to the wallpaper. Meredith and Zola. She'd never seen her look so happy. "I just…" the sigh that escaped her was worn and heavy. "I wish that for you, Meredith. I don't blame you. I never have… I never could. I'm amazed you're still here, frankly."

Meredith scoffed bitterly and shook her head, causing Carolyn to raise a brow in askance.

"I talked to Derek, you know, at the trailer." Meredith whispered.

Carolyn waited with bated breath.

"He said I should just have a little faith… and I tried, you know, for a few days, I did. I held my head up, I pasted a smile on my face. I called and emailed the social worker. I tried to pretend that this was _nothing_. Just a little bump. A complication. But… When I didn't get any response… I just… I couldn't do it anymore. Derek, he'd want me to be strong, to push through this. He'd be all optimistic about it, but I-,"

"Meredith-,"

"What was I thinking? I thought I could, everybody thought I should do it, and I… It-," her lips twitched into a frown, and she swallowed. "Losing Derek was hard, but I got through it. My baby got me through. Losing Grace? I thought I would die. Medicine, surgery… my dead mother's legacy… that got me through. Losing Zola…" Her voice cracked, "I was so stupid. It was stupid, to let myself… to think that I could open up again to… _that_." She whispered. "So," she wiped her face again, "This is it. If I don't get Zola, then… I don't want another baby. She was it for me."

"Dear," Carolyn reached for her daughter-in-law, but Meredith pulled away, wrapping her arms around herself.

"I'm a doctor. I know how to take care of myself," Meredith said. "I eat, okay? Usually a bagel from the coffee cart, and I have lunch with Maggie and Alex," she rolled her eyes, "God, they won't leave me alone. And I sleep. Not much, but enough that I don't feel tired before surgery. And I saw Mark… well I went over there to see him yesterday, but he was asleep and Lexie had some kind of flu or something and spent half the time in the bathroom. I tried to have a day off… I went to the trailer, but Amelia was there and I decided to go back to work before I punched her in the face," she huffed. "The only thing I'm good at is saving lives. So that's what I'm doing. Can I have my keys now?" she asked, wiping an eye.

xxx

"Ouch. Ow, ow…"

Mark's exclamations woke her, and Lexie leapt up from the couch. The world spun around for a second, and she stilled and swallowed thickly holding her stomach. Lately she'd been feeling off. Yesterday she must have had some bad pizza or something. Despite that she felt much better once the puking was out of the way. "Mark," she called… "What are you doing? You're supposed to be on bed rest!"

"I'm getting the door…" He said, passing the couch, shirtless, as usual.

Lexie swore some days he preferred it. Even with the bandage on his chest, his arm in a sling, and his leg in a cast… his body was still toned, and he was smoking hot. How was he still with her? She didn't know. But she felt so lucky, no… blessed.

Wait. Someone was at the door? How come she hadn't heard it? "You're not supposed to be up!" Lexie scrambled to stop him.

Mark huffed and rubbed his bearded chin, "I've been lying around all week, Lexie. I feel like a gerbil stuck in the body of a sloth. Let me open the dammed door."

Lexie sighed, it had been a crazy couple of weeks. After Mark's accident, she'd been forced to quit the NIH, as her contract didn't allow for personal time off. As soon as he was stable, she'd had him flown back to Seattle, where their family was. She didn't miss the NIH at all, by the way. But here, outside of their little romantic bubble they'd created in Washington, was a little harder to get Mark to herself.

Hence the door.

"Amelia," Mark growled.

"Mark… hi…" Amelia's nervous voice cut through the doorway.

Lexie's brows narrowed with hate. The bitch… how dare she? Her sister was finally starting to heal… finally dropping her walls, and Amelia… oooh, she just wanted to-

"You got a lotta nerve," Mark said, saying her feelings exactly.

"I… um… is Lexie here? It's about work."

"No, she's not." Mark said, leaning against the door to shield her from view. Lexie hung back, not wanting to be seen.

"Okay… can you tell her-,"

"No."

"Okay. It's fine… I'll just… go…"

Lexie released a breath she didn't know she was holding. Thank God. Mark shuffled back to close the door, but then was pushed back. "Ow!"

"Mark. Mark, please can you tell Meredith-,"

"-I'm not telling her-,"

"-It's-,"

Amelia's attempt to barge in the door stirred Lexie to action and she pushed Mark aside.

"Ow!" he exclaimed again, his shoulder banging against the door.

Oops. But she turned her attention to the startled brunette. "Listen!" she snapped. "You really screwed up. You hurt her. After everything she's been through, after all the work she's put in to finally heal and be happy… you ruined it! You may as well have stabbed Mere in the heart for all the pain you caused. She was nice to you, she let you stay at her house… and you just… you- I- Urgh!" Lexie practically screamed as she lunged forward.

Amelia quickly dodged her attack. Stepping back, she waved her hands in surrender. "Whoa, okay… okay. I get it." Hurt flashed across her features. "I know… I know I screwed up. I'm messed up. But I…"

"What?" Lexie growled.

Amelia shook her head. "You know… I… I'm gonna go. Mark, I'm glad you're okay."

"Amy…" His tone softened, his blue eyes crinkled in concern.

"It's fine. I just… you're okay. You're good. Good…" she backed away and turned down the hall.

Lexie resisted the urge to get the last word in at her, but she did glare at her retreating backside before Mark pulled her inside. "Lex," he said. "C'mon."

xxx

Amelia swiped the hated tears from her face as she stalked down the hallway. As always, following her feelings led to being misunderstood. First of all, she wanted to check on Mark. It'd been traumatising enough, hearing that he'd been in an accident. Especially after Owen left. Mark was… the closest thing she had left to a friend right now. But he was close to Meredith and Lexie… and of course, after what she'd done…

Dammit.

 _Dammit!_ Amelia's fist hit the wall hard enough to vibrate her bones. She huffed and sniffed, pushing the door to the stairway. Soon she'd be gone. She'd already packed her stuff, it was just a matter of booking the ticket. She didn't even know where she'd go…

Just away.

Lost in thought, she galloped down the stairs, not paying attention. When she hit the landing, a shadow crossed over her and she looked up. "Mom!" she gasped. Triple dammit.

"Amelia," Her mother said, surprised.

"I um- was just checking on Mark."

"How is he?"

"Good, he's… great."

"Good." Carolyn nodded.

Amelia tried to sidestep past her, but was blocked.

"And, how are you?" her mother asked.

She didn't know what to say. If she said she was okay, her mother would probably heap more guilt on her about Meredith. If she said she felt awful and horrible and sick about the whole thing, her mother would probably tell her to get over it. It was a no win situation. She ran her teeth nervously over her bottom lip. "I'm… I'm leaving." She brought her shoulders up in a pathetic shrug and tried to move around her.

"Where will you go?" Her mother blocked her again.

"Doesn't matter," she brushed past her, stepping down the stairs, but Carolyn grabbed Amelia's arm.

"Stop this!"

"Stop what?"

"You know exactly what! Running! It seems to be a Shepherd trait."

"And do what then?" Amelia growled. "Nobody wants me here."

"That's not true."

"You don't know that," Amelia pulled her arm out of her mother's grip. " _No one_ wants me here, except maybe Owen… and he left me for his sister. No one wants me, not even you."

" _I_ never said-,"

"You didn't come halfway across the country to see _me!"_ she accused. You came to see Meredith! What does that say about us huh?"

"Amelia, I didn't even know-,"

"-You didn't even try to find me, or talk to me. Everything is about Meredith, and what _I_ did to her. I know I screwed up… I know I did. But I- God…," she shook her head. "How am I? I've been sober for two weeks. And… I'm trying. I'm following the program. Nobody talks to me. Nobody looks at me, or gives me the time of day. I want to say I'm sorry, but I can't even do that, they just slam the door in my face. So yeah, running seems like a real good option," she started again down the stairs.

"Amelia!" Her mother called, "Amelia, I'm sorry."

Stopping at the bottom of the stairs, she shot a dark look up her mother. "For what?"

"I've neglected you. I guess I convinced myself that no news was good news, and yet I came running to Meredith when I was worried about her."

Double standard much? Amelia thought, "Yeah," she agreed.

Her mother stepped down the stairs to meet her. "Derek was always so protective of you. I never worried about you, until he went to med school."

"Until I stole his car and smashed it to pieces. Until I overdosed," Amelia added.

"But you got through it. You went to med school, you followed in Derek's footsteps… and I… just…" she swallowed. "When I thought about you, I thought about your father. And after Derek died, after he was shot… I felt your pain so intensely, Amelia… I couldn't bear it. I closed myself off. I see that now."

"I needed you." She shook her head, feeling the ache in her heart that never really went away. "I had a baby… and he died, and I couldn't tell you." Her lips twitched in a frown that she fought off. Few people knew about that. No one in her immediate family.

"What? You… what? When was this?" Carolyn's face paled.

"After… After Meredith… her accident."

Her mother's expression broke, she covered her mouth with one hand, and reached for Amelia's. "Amy…" she choked.

Her mother's hand squeezed hers so hard, she thought it would break. Carolyn pulled Amelia in close, and she couldn't help but bury her head into her shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me? You should have told me, dear. I would've helped."

"I…I…" she sniveled.

"Shhh."

"I'm so messed up, mom. I feel like… a fake. A fraud. Like I'm taking Derek's place. I'm not supposed to be here. This isn't for me."

"Shh-,"

"Mom-,"

"Shh-, listen, listen," Carolyn pulled her down to sit on the steps. "You were so little and innocent. Your brother… he held you so tight. When I arrived at the store, when your father… was taken from us, Derek wouldn't let you go."

"I remember… dad, I tried to get to him, but I couldn't move."

"He was holding you back. Protecting you. I heard him tell the police."

"He was…"

"He protected you. He always did. Even against your sisters."

"Until I messed up."

"Derek's moral compass was always quite sensitive. I think he felt betrayed. That he did so much for you and…"

"Yeah," Amelia swallowed. "Okay, I get it."

But her mother grabbed her shoulder. "You're not little and innocent anymore. You're loud and fearless. You've been through more pain and loss than most on this earth, and you're still here. You work in a hospital full of drugs, yet you are learning to overcome. You are stronger than you know. And you're not a fraud."

Amelia wiped her eyes, shaking her head in disbelief.

"There is one person who _does_ want you here."

"Who?" Maggie? Webber? Those were the only people she could think of.

"Derek."

"What?" No, Derek hated her. He…

"If he had the chance, he would've forgiven you. Eventually. You've always followed him around, this isn't new. You're not a fraud. You're continuing his legacy. You are both gifted, in different ways, but…" Her mother looked down at her nails. "It's not fake. Saving lives. Clipping aneurysms, removing tumors… that's your gift. That's what you worked your entire life for. Don't run from that. They need you here."

Amelia shrugged. She didn't feel it. "I don't know."

Her mother's smile was small and heartbroken. "You're angry," she said. "At the men who shot your father. At Gary Clark. At Derek. At me. Because you were left alone. All the people who were supposed to be there for you, weren't. It's okay to feel that. You must. But don't run. Rise above. Make it work."

"Meredith hates me. She cared about me, and I-,"

"-She's hurt. Deeply. It will take a lot to mend this. But, you must try."

"I don't know how. She won't even let me apologise."

"I think…" Carolyn sighed. "I think… in this case, actions speak louder than words."

"What do I do then?"

Her mother looked at her tearfully. "I don't really know. But please… don't leave."

Amelia wiped her eyes. Her mother said she was strong. But she didn't believe it.

 _A week ago:_

 _She had the radio on, and was humming along to a familiar song as she cleaned the trailer. It was the only way she could keep her mind off of scoring some drugs, or buying a bottle of vodka. Owen had offered her his place while he was gone, but it was too close to downtown. Too close to temptation. She'd managed two nights before she booked it out of there, once she heard that Meredith had gone home._

 _But she felt good now, really good… still a little messed up and sorry about the whole thing, but…_

 _A noise startled her, and she looked up from the sink to see Meredith in the doorway. Crap._

" _Meredith!" She exclaimed, pulling off her rubber gloves._

" _How'd you-," Meredith started. Then she shook her head and turned around, marching back to her Lexus. "Nevermind."_

" _Meredith! Wait!" Amelia dashed after her._

 _As she opened the car door, Meredith turned to face her, revealing red rimmed eyes and tear streaked cheeks._

" _I'm sorry!" blurted Amelia._

 _But icy grey eyes pierced her heart. "It's not enough," she said coldly as she got in and slammed the door._

Amelia returned to her office with a file box. She'd typed up her letter of resignation last night. Despite her mother's pep talk, she couldn't stay. Lexie was more than capable of taking over as Chief of Neuro. Amelia just had to pack up a few personal items, clear out her email, and forward her patients to her attendings.

Then she'd be gone.

She sat down at her computer and opened her email. Starting at the bottom of her inbox, she worked her way up. Click, click, click… Wait…

What was this? _Inoperable?_ the subject heading read, _only if you lack imagination._

Curious, she clicked on the attachments. _Dr. Nicole Herman,_ it said. "Holy… mother of…" Amelia exclaimed as she examined the MRI scans. Wow. That was some tumor. But it was inoperable. She could tell- by the… wait… wait… Amelia's mind revved up with possibilities. She shook her head. No, she couldn't do this. She was leaving. She was so out of here.

"Hey," A cheerful voice called from the doorway. Amelia looked up.

"Dr. Robbins," she rasped.

Her co-worker rolled her eyes, "Oh, please, it's Arizona." She said, stepping in, her arms wrapped around a folder.

"Oh." Amelia said, looking back at the computer. "Can… I help you with something?"

"Oh, um… I was just… I have some questions about a patient who… has a brain tumor."

"Oh, which patient? I'll pull up her chart." Amelia clicked on the patient directory.

"Well actually, she's not really one of _our_ patients…"

Amelia leaned back in her seat, "Okay…" she crossed her arms, curious. "What do want to know?"

"Well, what are the symptoms, if it gets really bad?" Arizona stepped up to the desk, her expression serious, "she's refusing surgery. She says it's inoperable."

"Symptoms could be anything, what type of tumor is it?"

"Well, um, I don't know." Arizona fidgeted.

"You don't know?" Amelia asked. Now she was beyond curious. Now she was suspicious. What kind of game was she playing?

"Well… she hasn't told me." Arizona continued.

"Dr. Robbins, I can't tell you anything unless I have more information. Who is this patient?"

"She's not a patient," Arizona blurted, slamming the file down on the desk. "She's a doctor!"

"What?"

"She's a doctor and she's my mentor and I'm scared to work with her. I'm terrified. What if she strokes out in surgery, or slurs her words, or develops a tremor? She's one of the top neonatal surgeons in the country!"

"Wait, she's a doctor?" Amelia said, reaching for the manila folder on her desk.

"That's not her file," Arizona snatched the file away, but not before Amelia caught the name on the folder.

"Zola…" she breathed, her breath hitching, heart pounding as she relived her horrible mistake.

"Yeah, CFS requested it. It's procedure." Arizona clutched the file closer to her chest.

"Can I…look at it?" She couldn't help but ask. Somehow… she had to fix this.

"You should not be anywhere near this." Arizona stepped back suddenly.

"I know, Arizona, I messed up." Amelia admitted. A crazy thought hit her. "Give me this chance." She looked back down at her computer and pulled up the MRI scan. "Dr. Herman right?"

"How'd you know?"

Amelia shook her head, she didn't. It was a wild guess. She leaned closer to her computer monitor, a hand under her chin as she scrolled through her emails again. "I don't know where this came from… but this tumor, it is operable. I can do it."

"What?" Arizona asked, shocked.

"Look, those doctors that previously consulted were probably the best in the field… but they lack imagination. I can beat this." She turned the screen to face Arizona.

"Seriously?" the blonde doctor asked, staring at the giant blob.

"Well, I'll need updated scans… but… Arizona, I need to do this. I need to fix something. Please." It wasn't even entirely about Zola. It was about… a chance. A chance for someone to believe in her, and about being physically able to fix something.

The blonde crossed her arms, reluctant. "Okay… but what do you want with Zola's file?"

Amelia regarded her colleague. Of everyone in the hospital, Arizona seemed the most neutral about her past mistake. "She has Spina Bifida." Amelia stated. "She can't be in just any foster home. She needs to be with Mere. I… let me fix this." She stared at the file. She could try. She had to do something. Sorry wasn't enough.

"You'll talk to Herman?"

"I'll talk to her." Amelia nodded.

"Okay." Arizona sighed, slowly releasing Zola's file. "I um… guess I misplaced this in your office."

"Right." Amelia nodded. "Okay." She swallowed. The tumor was operable. It was. She could do it. For Arizona. For Herman. She needed to do it. For Derek. For herself.

"Okay." Arizona repeated softly, her blue-eyed gaze intense. "This better work."

"It'll work." Amelia forced all her confidence into her voice. It would work.

Arizona left, backing slowly out of the office. Amelia picked up Zola's file and flipped through it before slipping her letter of resignation through the paper shredder.

 **A/N:** Thanks Everyone! More on Owen, Jolex, Japril and Calzona next chap!


	35. Chapter 35

Lost and found

 **A/N:** Thank you to my last reviewers, luciebean, mandyg67, and Patsy. And thank you, everyone who still follows this story… Let me know you're still out there kay? Cuz I miss you!

 **For mandyg67:)**

 ****NOTE:** For the purposes of this story… Owen's sister only **Just** went missing. ******

 **Enjoy!**

 **Jordan Airbase.**

Amid howling choppers, blowing sand, and the scorching dessert heat, Owen exited the C-160. Squinting, he turned into the wind, not caring a bit about the sand that prickled every crevice of his face. He pulled out a worn yellow post-it. Major Michaels, it said, with a building number. Quickly, he hefted his heavy army rucksack and made his way to the command center.

Barging through the wooden double doors of HQ, Owen caught the attention of the young dark-skinned clerk at the desk. "Major Owen hunt," he introduced without preamble, "I need to speak to Major Michaels." It had taken him several phone calls, every favour and phone call, every trick he had in the book to get here. But he had to be. His kid sister had been a cowboy and jumped on a chopper that went down somewhere in the desert. He was going to find her.

Already preoccupied on the phone, the clerk held up one finger and nodded, signaling that he should wait. He dropped his bag, placed hands on his hips and paced in the surprisingly empty waiting room. Overwhelming anxiousness roiled in his gut. He hadn't heard anything of his sister since he left Seattle, spending a hellish week in multiple countries and airports, just getting permission to even be here.

Now that he was here he still couldn't do anything.

Owen could do anything as a surgeon. Hand him a scalpel and some duct tape, and he'd patch you up good as new. But here, in the command center, only a couple hundred miles from where his sister was lost, he couldn't do anything.

He just wanted to do _something._

"Major Hunt?" the clerk called.

He spun around and strode to the desk, clenching and unclenching his fists, "Yeah."

"Major Michaels is deployed in the field sir," she said. "But he should be back by 0900 tomorrow with more information for you."

"Tomorrow," Owen repeated with a slow nod. Tomorrow meant more time, more distance…

More of that helpless feeling.

"Yes sir," the clerk nodded.

He let out a loud long sigh, looked at his watch. It was 1800 hours now. "I need to see him as soon as he gets here," Owen ordered.

"Of course, sir. The morning schedule is clear."

"Thank you," He picked up his bag, now… where was he cleared to stay? "Can you-," he started-

"Guest quarters are on the left, three buildings down." The clerk replied, reading his mind. "You're in…" she glanced at her sheet by the phone, tracing her finger down a list of names. "3C."

"Thank you," Owen said, once again hefting his bag over his shoulder and stepping out into the elemental blast.

For a moment, he was transported in time…

A decade ago, Megan followed him here like a little puppy. An annoying puppy. But a brave one too. He closed his eyes… was that her? A flash of her long reddish hair tinged the corner of his vision. Owen, stood, triggered, transfixed, hearing Megan's taunting laughter echoing around him. She was lost. How did he lose her?

Shook back to reality by the ferocious sound of a jet engine, Owen blinked. He swallowed air, plodding to his quarters. Now within spitting distance of 3C, he stopped. The man approaching him was familiar somehow… The slope of the shoulders, the jut of the chin, the spark of blue reflecting in his eyes from the setting sun.

Owen stopped, stared, "Riggs?"

The man stopped too, shocked. "Hunt?"

Owen couldn't help it, couldn't stop the rage. He took three steps forward and swung, decking his sister's fiancé, the man who used to be his best friend. The man that lost her, "You son of a bitch!"

xxx

Dashing down the stairs, Jackson paused when he saw the familiar shock of blonde hair just below him. "Arizona? hey," he called.

Arizona stopped at the second last step, looking up at him "Jackson, what's up?" she asked, smiling slightly.

"Have you seen April?" He'd been looking for her all morning. She stayed overnight on a difficult trauma case, and while Noah fell asleep beside him in their king size bed, it pained him to wake up without his wife with them.

"Umm, no I haven't," Arizona answered. "She's not in admitting?"

He shook his head. "No. She doesn't want the surgery," he hung his head. They'd argued about it on and off all week. But April was adamant for a miracle. 'We prayed Jackson, God is going to give us a miracle, we just have to have faith.' Is what she said two days ago.

"She… what?" Arizona turned around, concern etched on her smooth features as she took a few steps up to meet him.

"We had a fight." He sighed, not wanting to admit his marital problems, but desperate all the same, just for a listening ear, at least. "She said she prayed about it, and she's fine," he growled, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"But… Jackson, that tumor-,"

"I know! We confirmed on the ultrasound yesterday, it's still there." Their baby had a tumor growing in one of the ventricles of its heart. And his wife… his awesome, amazing, passionate wife thought a prayer could take it away? He sighed and rubbed his face.

Noticing his pain, Arizona came up to meet him on the steps. "Hey," she said softly, rubbing his back.

"I just- She- April-" he shook his head, helpless.

"I know," Arizona patted his hand. "Did you try the chapel?"

"The chap-," he stuttered, "the chapel. Yeah, good idea." Why hadn't he thought of that? He'd been searching OR's… but if there was anywhere April would try to get away from him, it would be where God was. If there was a God.

"Okay," Arizona smiled tightly. "Oh, and did everything go okay with Sofia last night?"

Ah yes, the sleep over. Arizona had an intense schedule, and Callie was helping with Mark, and with everything going on, they'd offered to have her over to spend time with Noah. "Sofia?" Jackson smiled. "Oh yeah…" he nodded, "they had a blast. They're going to have a lot of fun with the daycare group at the zoo today too."

"Great." Arizona sighed. "Well, I have to find Callie, but thanks so much for taking her last night." She started back down the stairs at a half jog.

"No problem." It really wasn't. It had been a real stress reliever, for the moment, anyway.

"Jackson?"

"Yeah?" He turned back down toward her.

"Miracles come in different ways. It's not like magic. If April believes that God created the world, that he created us… then isn't it fair to say he created our talent, our drive? Isn't it fair to say that he created the circumstances for one of the best cardiothoracic surgeons and the best neo-natal surgeons to be at this hospital?"

Jackson sighed thinking he knew where this was going.

"Look," Arizona continued, "This isn't about what you believe or don't believe. Or what April believes. It's about making sure that the baby is safe. As her father, that's your job. You don't need to believe in God to hope in a miracle," she said.

"Thanks, I think," said Jackson, mulling over her words.

Tilting her head in a nod of support, Arizona trotted down the stairs and out the doors for the third floor.

xxx

Jackson made his way to the chapel… Sure enough, there was April.

"April… he said slowly.

"Jackson, I already told you," she huffed, defences up.

"I know, I know… but can you listen? Just listen, kay?" Because he had to give his two cents too. April squeezed the back of the bench in front of her and stared at the rectangle of candles that lined the front.

"Look, I know you're scared-,"

"I'm not scared Jackson, I have faith," she nearly snapped.

"Whoa, okay, okay…" He backed off. "Well, April, I'm scared. I am scared, because… I'm not strong like you. Whenever I believed in something bigger than myself…" he shrugged, "It fell apart. People left me, people hurt me. Like my father."

"Jackson…" April started,

"Just listen." He swallowed. "Maybe I don't believe. Maybe I will someday. But right now, what I believe in is science and medicine. It's part of why I became a surgeon. Because you can heal things. You can fix things. Look… if God created the world, and if he created us, me, you, our baby… he also created Maggie right? And Dr. Herman… He created them… and brought them here. Two of the most brilliant doctors in America. Here. In this hospital. When we just so happen to have this problem. So if you believe that God made them, don't you think it's possible that He created the circumstances for them to be there to help?"

April sighed… "I just…I don't…"

"I know, but I mean… look, I've read the Bible, parts of it anyway. If there's anything I took away from it, it was that God still needed people to do his work. Maybe he could just wave a hand and smite a city… but he preferred to use people. Like Joseph, or David, or Moses. He picked these people to live in the world and do his work, carry out his plans. And he gave them friends and allies, he didn't leave them alone," Jackson shrugged. "Isn't that what we have here?

"I know you're a believer, April. I know you believe in Miracles. That's part of why I love you. Can you at least believe that an all-powerful God would surround us with people he's going to use, rather than wave his hand and fix it?... Please?"

"I… oh Jackson, I…"

"April…"

She swallowed and nodded, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… I'm just… I'm scared too Jackson."

He took her hand in his, grateful that she let him. "I know… but we'll get through this… together okay?"

Xxx

"Ugh, I need some wine!" Callie whined to Mark. She needed wine. She needed to forget… about Arizona, and that Resident… Henny Penny? And Dr. Un-Human Herman. She just needed to relax, free herself and let them go.

Which is how she ended up here. After dropping Sofia and Noah off at the Daycare for their little trip to the zoo, she realized she was only a few blocks from Mark's place. She'd had a sleepless night without Arizona and Sofia and so… here she was. Quality time right?

"Wine?" Mark rolled his eyes. "It's nine in the morning…" He rumbled as he shifted uncomfortably on the sectional, "I'm trying to watch Iron Chef."

"Iron Chef?" asked Carolyn, sipping her coffee, "Oh I love Iron Chef. Especially that man… What's his name… Fay? Fry?"

"Flay," said Mark, pointing to the screen, "Bobby Flay."

"Yes him… and that Japanese man…"

Callie grinned. This is just what she needed. A little competitive show to take her mind off things, "I love it when those two battle… You know, being a chef isn't much different than being a surgeon, I think." And wine. Wine would be nice.

"What are we watching?" Lexie entered the room fresh from a shower, her hair was covered in a light blue towel turban on her head.

"Iron Chef." Callie, Mark and Carolyn said all at once.

"Oh God, I hate that show!" She exclaimed.

"What?" Mark asked, dropping his jaw in shock. "We were just watching it a few weeks ago in D.C."

"I know," she said making a face, "It's the secret ingredient. Sometimes it's gross."

"What's gross about about canned tuna?"

"Or Caviar?" asked Carolyn, watching curiously as Lexie turned a shade paler and clamped a hand over her mouth.

Callie was tired of this conversation. "Wine!" she demanded, "I need wine! My wife is cheating on me!" she blurted, thought she wasn't entirely sure.

"Shut up! She's not cheating! She's on a surgery kick! Saving the world! Saving babies!" Mark exclaimed, leaning forward in his seat, though it seemed a little uncomfortable.

Why was he defending her? Mark was supposed to be her friend first! "Arizona secured an on-call room for her and Dr. Herman. They stay overnight! Where's the wine?" She couldn't help raising her voice.

"No one is having wine," Carolyn remarked. "You need to stop whining!"

Callie scoffed. She shifted her attention to the screen, she didn't want to talk about this. "Oh, the secret ingredient is Monkfish? Amazing! What are they going to do with that?"

"Fish...?" Lexie murmured weakly. Callie had forgotten she was there."I don't think I can watch this…" Lexie murmured, rubbing her stomach, but no one seemed to be paying attention, Callie certainly wasn't.

"Callie." Mark touched her arm, trying to get her attention.

"No, it's fine. I'm fine. Arizona is an adult. She can do what she wants…" She can cheat if she wants… it's just… it-

"Callie…"

"What, Mark?" She snapped "You know, I haven't seen Arizona in three days. All we do is fight," she sighed. "I just… I thought we wanted the same things… I thought she wanted to have another baby… but then… she doesn't. Not really. I mean, she loves Sofia but…" she shook her head, "I don't know!"

"Okay, you know what? Let's think about this for a minute… let's go back…"

Go back? Go back to what? Hell, no. She didn't come here for therapy. She came here for wine, because Mark has the best wine collection, "Mark, are you shrinking me? I did not come here to be shrinked."

"Top left of the cupboard next to the fridge." He sighed.

"What?" He was gonna give her wine? Really?

"Pinot Noir, help yourself. But then you gotta listen."

"Oooh is it the good stuff?" Callie clambered off the couch and helped herself to a glass. "It is the good stuff!" she said after she filled her glass, and took a sip, "Alright. Fine. I will listen. Until this glass is finished… Go!"

Mark shook his head. "It's really not that hard, Callie. Arizona loved you enough to stick around in _spite_ of Sofia. In _spite_ of the part of her that didn't want children. She loved you enough to love our daughter _and_ accept me as part of the package. That's…" he glanced down the hall to their bedroom where Lexie was likely resting. "That takes a lot of maturity. I mean, Lexie and I… we really… she really loves me… but for a long time, she couldn't share me. She couldn't handle being in my life in that way. But Arizona took that on, you know. With us. With Sofia. Hell, she gave up an amazing opportunity in Africa… A pediatric dream. She did that for you, Callie."

Callie nodded and sipped her wine, "Go on," she said, thinking… but also really, really enjoying the wine.

"You know, right now if Lex didn't want babies, if she didn't want kids, or if she couldn't have them, I would still love her." Mark rambled. "I would still want to be a part of her life. We'd figure something out, something for us to share our passions together on. Because we still love each other. When that plane crashed, all I could think of was, she's _gone_ … she's _gone_ … and I don't wanna live without her. No matter what, I couldn't live without her. That's how much I love her. And… you remember how I was about my hand. I was an ass. I was. But I was scared too. What if I lost all function? If I couldn't be a surgeon… I didn't have a plan B. But Lexie fought with me to the end. She made me try. Because she didn't want me to lose myself.

Crap, thought Callie, he was really starting to get to her now.

"You loved Arizona enough to stick through her bitchiness," Mark was saying, "when she lost her leg. Hell, you loved her enough to cut it off, even when you knew you could possibly be cutting her out of your life forever. So, I guess you have to ask yourself… if that feeling's still there. Can you find it? Or did you lose it forever?"

"Mark…" Callie sniffed as she sipped the wine. Dammit! Stupid wine! What was the proof of this stuff?

"Just think about it," he said, getting up slowly from the couch. "I'm gonna check on Lexie, she's got some sort of flu bug I think."

xxx

Sitting on the toilet, Lexie stared at the lines forming on the pregnancy test. Two lines. Two lines meant… but they couldn't. She couldn't… she wasn't… it…

Two lines.

A few moments ago, she'd been oblivious. But Carolyn had pulled her aside, mentioned something about being a mother of five. Four daughters. One OB-GYN. She asked a few questions… Dizzy? Check. Nauseous? Check. Food aversion? Breast tenderness? Yup.

Lexie new enough to do the math herself, but it was Carolyn who discreetly provided the test, purchasing it a few days ago when she suspected as much.

Now there were two lines.

Two small pink vertical lines that, according to the directions on the box she'd photographically imprinted in her mind, meant, 'Pregnant.'

"Lex?" Mark knocked on the bathroom door.

She pulled up her yoga pants and pulled the towel off her head, tucking the test underneath. "I'm fine," she called back. Washing her hands, she looked at herself in the mirror. Was her face puffier? Was she bustier? She swiveled, looking at herself. Automatically, her hands went to her breasts. Funny, they didn't feel any bigger… but they were a little sore now that-

"Lex?" the door opened and Marked popped his head in. "Oh," he said grinning impishly at the sight of Lexie holding her breasts (though covered) as she looked in the mirror. "Hello-"

"Mark!" she shrieked.

"What? I can look! Maybe I can… do more than look?"

Lexie smacked him hard. "Shut up!"

"Ow!" he rubbed his chest. "Ribs!"

"Oh my God! Sorry!"

"Kidding…" he smirked. "Those were just my pecs. They're just fine, he said, flexing them.

"Oh you!" Lexie pushed past him. "I'm fine Mark, really…" she said. No she wasn't, really wasn't. Pregnant? Now? It was good, but- "But I need to call Mere. Have you seen my phone?"

xxx

Amelia paced in front of the office door, clutching Zola's file. Thanks to a few well-placed phone calls and some quick thinking, she'd managed to get this chance. She just hoped she wouldn't screw it up, like everything else.

"Dr. Shepherd?" the receptionist called out. "The judge will see you now."

"Thank you," she said roughly as she entered. When the door slammed, Amelia

"Come in," the judge, an older man who appeared to be in his fifties, greeted her. "You're inquiring about Zola Limbani?"

"Yes, I um, I brought her medical file. I understand it may be needed in the future, for her care." She stepped up and placed the folder on the desk. Two more important papers rested in her hands.

"Thank you," said Judge Irving, folding his hands on the desk. "But that's not why you're here, is it?"

"Judge Irving…" Amelia started. "It's my fault. An innocent child shouldn't be punished for my mistakes," she swallowed, gathering her courage.

"Fault? Punishment?" Iriving leaned forward in his chair.

"The drugs were mine. I… I struggle with addiction. I'm-I'm an addict your honour, and my behaviour a week ago…" she struggled for breath, for words. Her heart pounded, her throat clogged. "It was irresponsible, it was reckless. And it caused…" she shook her head, just thinking about it. "Zola deserves to be in the care of someone who will give her everything. She has spina bifida, and there are things only a well trained doctor would notice and be proactive about to prevent complications. Meredith… If anyone should be Zola's mother, it's her. She's… extraordinary."

"I see, but as a judge, I have to be objective. And even if Dr. Grey is the best candidate to adopt Zola, I have to consider everyone in Zola's life, and that includes you."

"I realize that. So I prepared this." She handed him the letter she'd typed up only a few hours ago.

"What is this?"

"It's my punishment. A letter, to the medical board. My resignation. And… a letter from Hopkins, there's an open teaching position there that they've been holding for me. If you send this letter, I will have no choice but to move across the country, three thousand miles from Zola, so Meredith can raise her without… any further trouble."

Judge Irving looked over the letters. "I see."

"Meredith lost everything. Her mother, her husband, her own child. She almost lost herself. But she found Zola. And… they need each other. So, please… if we can just fix this…" she stood, feeling alone in the spacious office, but also feeling right. For once in her life she felt unabashedly right.

Judge Irving reviewed the letter again, leaning back in his chair. He pulled his reading glasses off, clomping on one of the arms. "Thank you Dr. Shepherd, that will be all," he said, dismissing her.

xxx

"Okay, this is weird…" Jo said from the passenger seat of Alex's Camaro. "We're stalking your sister's ex?"

Alex grunted. "We're not doing anything wrong okay? We're just gonna follow him. Eventually, Amber will show up. Either she'll find him or-," he stopped, staring. "Shit." He reached for his seat belt. "That's him." Pruitt had given them a description of Brent, after he'd tracked his DMV records. Average build, Brent was best identified by his crew cut sandy red hair and freckled complexion. Jo watched as he exited the house he was staying at and hop into a small black Ford Ranger. Her heart pumped with adrenaline, and if it wasn't for the strong presence of her boyfriend beside her, she might have flashed back to the good-old days of living in her car. But she did have her wits about her, tempered a little by common sense now that she wasn't a street rat. "Alex," she squeezed his forearm. "Let's just call Pruitt okay? I can-," her hand slipped around the device in her jean pocket.

"There's no point right now," Alex argued. "We don't even know where he's going."

"But this is..." Crazy. Yeah. She'll admit that. When had she ever stalked anybody? "Are you sure?"

"Jo, it's my sister, and my niece." Alex said, a little catch in his voice, "I have to do _something_ …"

"Okay, fine…" Jo sighed, turning face to the window. She had doubts, she had fears. She was worried about him, Alex. Not only about his safety, but that of his sister. It had been her gun. She felt somewhat responsible for the fact that Amber had gotten a hold of it. And now she felt like they were getting sucked into a hole that would could bury them.

But then his burly hand took hers, he rubbed her thumb. "Look, sister or no sister, you're the one I'm gonna spend my life with, kay?"

She risked a glance into her boyfriend's eyes and saw… that fierceness, that protectiveness. His love. "Yeah, okay."

The car sped up. Alex kissed her hand briefly, his eyes still on the road as he followed the truck up a hill, around a corner, through an intersection, and past a small retail mall. Turned out they weren't going far, only a few blocks. They pulled up to an apartment building that had seen better days. Alex parked across the street, his gaze never leaving Brent's truck "Okay," he said, watching as Brent exited Ranger and headed for the front doors of the apartment. "Call him. Call Pruitt."

She already had the number typed into her dialer. Jo pressed the green phone button as they followed Brent, but it was too late, the door closed in front of them. Alex stopped and stared at the call box on the front door. "Crap," he muttered. "How'd he get in?"

On the other end of the line, Pruitt hadn't picked up yet. "Hang on," Jo muttered, pushing in front of Alex. Running her thumb against the call panel, she buzzed every apartment all at once. The lock clicked and the door buzzer sounded.

"Oh," said Alex.

Jo Shrugged, "I know a few tricks," she said.

He pushed the door open and she followed him. Pruitt still hadn't answered the phone, which didn't help the tension in her gut. _"Hey, you've reached Dan, I can't answer the phone right now, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you."_

"Hey it's Jo, we're at Clearview place on 21st street. I think… Brent found Amber or something. You need to get here," she pleaded. "She's got… Dan, Amber has a gun." Jo stated definitively.

She followed Alex down the hall, still feeling trepiditous. This was dangerous. And bad… and… "Alex, what are we doing?" Jo whispered.

"I don't know," he said, glancing around the hallway. He ran a hand through his short hair and rubbed his stubbled chin, obviously at a loss.

"Well, let's just wait for Dan," Jo suggested. Backup. They really should have backup. Right now, in this town, in this moment… she felt like her security was slipping away.

But Alex looked around, the laundry room was just ahead, and an elderly woman was pulling clothes from the dryer. Alex approached her slowly, "Hi," he said, with a smile, pulling out his phone. "I'm looking for my sister…" Alex tapped the screen, pulling up his photo album. "Have you seen her?" he tapped the picture of Amber bringing it to full view.

"No," the woman said, but then she pointed to the screen, "But… wait…"

"What?" Alex followed her finger, and Jo saw his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed.

"I've seen that little girl… she's adorable."

"Which girl?" Alex asked. With a finger he showed her the thumbnails.  
"Oh, that one, the African girl. The poor thing's in foster care with Elizabeth. Upstairs."

"Foster?" Alex croaked. "Which Apartment?"

"2D," said the laundry lady.

"Jo," he took her hand. "Let's go." And they were off, up the stairs… But Jo couldn't get rid of that darned feeling that something was gonna go down.

 **A/N:** And that's all the time we have for now folks! **Please Review!**

Special thanks to Patsy, for checking up on me just recently… It really means a lot to hear from you, thanks for your comments about my profile! Cool! (You really should get an account so we can PM you, you know…)

Anyway, it may be awhile before I can post again, I just need some time to re-charge, and take care of stuff personally… but I'm never far from this, not ever. Cheers!


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N:** Thanks everyone for your patience!

Some of you read my note on my profile about posting on FictionPress. I just want to clarify… FictionPress is Ffnet's sister site for _original_ fiction and poetry. Fanfiction is not posted there. People write their own stories with their own _original_ characters and plots. Original poetry and essays are also posted there.

When I have a story idea **not** based on characters from a show or book or movie… it will be posted on FictionPress. As of yet, I've published two poems there. Of course, all my Fanfiction will remain on this site. I have posted a link to my FictionPress profile page on my fanfiction profile for you to check out my original work.

Does that mean I've abandoned FanFiction? Of course not! You should know me by now!

Anyway… Ready for a ride?

 **Enjoy!**

Now settled in a pre-op bed, April rubbed her pregnant stomach. She smiled when her baby kicked in response. _Dear God, protect this baby…_ she prayed. She was going under the knife; her baby was going under the knife. She'd talked to the pastor and her mother the night before and felt sure that God would work his own work on this, and that surgery may be an unnecessary risk. But Jackson's confession this morning was unexpected. She didn't know he'd been that scared.

The latest scans, taken an hour ago, revealed that the tumor was still there. Maggie had said that it was possible for the tumor to remain the same size, and in the same location for the duration of the pregnancy. She also said it was just as possible for the tumor to grow and obstruct blood flow to the heart.

Dr. Herman and Arizona had let her know of the risks as well. The placenta could detach early, the baby could have complications. April could be at risk for eclampsia and pre-eclampsia, etc. etc.

Jackson wasn't a man of faith, however. He was a man who believed in science. In action. April knew… deep down, that if she did nothing, (although, prayer to her wasn't _nothing,_ ) And something bad happened, Jackson would be forever damaged.

So April decided on the surgery, trusting in Jackson's logic and praying God would do his work. April shifted in the uncomfortable gown and sticky sheets and leaned back to try not to think about this anymore.

"Hey," Jackson's soft voice caused her to turn away from her anxious thoughts.

"Hi," She reached and took his hand. "It's gonna be okay," she said.

"Yeah?" he asked, allowing a small smile to spread on her face.

"Yeah," she quirked a smile back at him. "I talked to Jesus. It's all good."

"Oh yeah?" He sat down on the side of her bed, his light eyes teasing as he took her hand.

She squeezed it. "Yeah," she said seriously this time. Jackson sighed, pulled her hand to his cheek and kissed it, and then kissed her belly as he caressed it. Somehow, she felt it. A miracle was going to happen today.

xxx

Arizona secured her scrub cap tighter over her head. "Dr. Herman," Arizona leaned over the scrub sink and ran her hands under the warm water. Through the window, she saw April being wheeled in, the orderlies and the nurses setting everything up. "If it's all right with you, I'd like to take the lead on the surgery."

"Robbins," Herman tilted her head as she tied her mask on. "You're a real go-getter," Dr. Herman replied. "Or is it because of my tumor?"

Inwardly, Arizona rolled her eyes. "It's a simple C-section, with a small incision over the heart of the fetus," Arizona said, choosing not to take the bait.

"Mm," Herman replied. "Very well. But she's your friend."

"I'm prepared for the risks." Arizona responded. Much rather that baby be in her hands than Herman's at this moment, though she didn't doubt her knowledge. Just the steadiness with the scalpel.

xxx

Jo followed Alex up the stairs when they heard shouting. "Sounds like Amber!" Alex thundered up the remainder of the steps. "Come on!" he growled.

"Alex!" Jo called from behind, "Wait!" Her gut rumbled with a bad feeling. "Let's wait for the cops, okay?" She strongly believed they shouldn't get too close right now.

But Alex didn't respond, so focused on the door ahead of them.

"You stole her! I'm just taking back what's mine!" Brent shouted as he leaned into the doorway.

"Stole her?" Amber yelled from inside the apartment, "I'm protecting her!"

"You're both not allowed to be here!" The foster mother screeched. "There are other children here!"

"Shut up," said Amber.

"Hey!" Alex said, making his presence known.

That's when Jo saw the gun at Amber's side. It seemed like no one else saw it. Everyone else was focused on Brent. Jo rushed ahead, "Gun!" she yelled.

In the doorway of the apartment, Amber held the gun low as Brent backed away, "Whoa," he said, holding his hands up.

"Oh my God!" The foster mother gasped and stepped back inside.

Jo thought she saw children's feet on the floor behind Amber, but it was a fleeting thought. She twisted and pushed Alex out of the way, intending to snatch the gun out of Amber's hand before she could pull the safety.

But the floor _moved._

In motion, Jo stumbled and twisted, tripping. A loud _pop!_ reverberated in her eardrums as she crashed into Brent. What? She thought before the walls cracked and the ground roared.

xxx

Meredith sighed as she scrubbed out. Her early morning surgery had been a success, and that felt good, but it didn't quell the emptiness she felt inside. She missed Zola. She'd barely had her, and she missed her already.

"Wow," Brooks rambled beside her. "That was amazing. I thought the guy was gonna be a goner, but you managed to salvage that liver… using a trauma move! I don't think I've even read-,

"Shut up Brooks," Meredith snapped.

"Shutting up Ma'am," the resident said and nodded. Meredith sighed and pushed back the door. Her stomach growling, she supposed she could force herself to have a bagel and coffee before rounds. "I need the labs ready for Mrs. Reed, before she's prepped for her gastric bypass," she informed her resident. "Page me when you're done. I'm going for breakfast. And don't call me ma'am.

"Yes ma'am- Sir- Dr. Grey, ma- Yes doctor."

She rolled her eyes at Brook's fumbling before exiting the OR floor.

In the attending's lounge, Meredith smoothed out Derek's scrub cap, fixed her hair and put on her lab coat. Her phone buzzed. She'd forgotten it here, earlier. There was probably a million messages on it from Maggie. Meredith flicked the screen, checking it. Yup. Wait, Lexie called?

She pressed the call button for her sister's number.

Half a ring went by before Lexie picked it up. "Meredith!" she answered breathless.

"Lexie, what's going on? You called me three times."

"Mere! I need to talk to you! Can you come over?"

"What?"

"Please… I don't want to talk at the hospital or Joes, too much gossip. I'm freaking out and I need you!"

"You're freaking out? About what?"

"Just get here! Please?"l

"Okay, okay," Meredith consoled. "I'm on a break anyway, I'll be there in a few minutes, okay?"

"Okay, thanks."

"Ugh, sisters," Meredith muttered. At least they didn't live too far away, she could have Brooks text her the lab results.

She quickly sent her resident a text before hanging up her lab coat and changing quickly into something presentable. Mark and Lexie didn't live very far. If she took the tunnel, she'd get there in good time.

.

Meredith sighed. She forgot about the morning rush hour. The short school bus in front of her skirted through the intersection and she was forced to stop at the light. It didn't matter however, because she pulled up behind it again, only minutes later.

Traffic clogged up again, full of working commuters and parents who were dropping their children off for school

Ahead of her, the bus lurched into the tunnel.

Meredith's phone buzzed again, and she picked it up from her purse in the passenger seat. Amelia. "Not now," she said, throwing it back on the seat. She slowly followed the small busload of some very rowdy kids. Her stomach complained. Oh well, she could grab a bagel at Lexie's.

If the traffic let up.

"Come on," she said as the bus crept forward a little. Meredith's Lexus slowly followed the bus into the tunnel.

Her phone buzzed. Lexie this time.

Sisters. How did she get so many of them?

Just then, her car tipped sideways, slamming her head against the window. An awful crunch- grind- crack filled the air as her car pitched up and down like a sailboat on the high seas. Dazed, Meredith looked out the front windshield. Ahead of her, the tunnel cracked and shook. Why was the tunnel shaking?

It wasn't the tunnel, Meredith realized. The _ground_ was moving. Ahead of her, the busload of preschoolers tipped over as a thick piece of concrete crashed into the front third of the vehicle.

"Oh my God!" Meredith stumbled out of the car, "What the hell?" An earthquake? Dizziness struck. She swayed and grabbed the car door for balance. At her feet, the asphalt road had rolled into uneven, broken waves.

Meredith swallowed, her heartbeat rushing in her ears. Ahead of her, dozens of people had exited their vehicles, looking around in shock. But frightened wails got her attention, and her focus shifted to the school bus in front of her.

She reached inside her car for her cell to call 911, but after a moment of silence the call disconnected. The lines were already jammed. The ground shuddered again in an aftershock, but Meredith didn't notice as she stepped over to the bus.

Crap, they were just pre-schoolers too.

She ran over to the emergency door and pulled on the latch. "Stay calm!" she shouted. It took a couple tries, but the latch gave way and the door opened. A half-dozen pre-schoolers stared at her with uncertainty. "Hey, it's all right," she soothed. "You are all going to be fine. I'll help you down."

A few other bystanders ran over to help. "Can someone check on the bus driver?" Meredith called, "And get me a first aid kit!"

She lifted one child down from the bus, then another and another. "You all stay together, hold hands," she reminded them. Lifting one girl down, Zola's image passed through her mind for a fleeting second. Meredith closed her eyes and set the thought aside as quickly as it came.

There was no time to think.

Or worry.

"Auntie, auntie!" The child's voice caused her to freeze. Oh God… it was his bus?

"Noah?" she croaked. He clambered awkwardly over the sideways seats to get to her, his dark hair and golden skin instantly recognizable. "Oh God, Noah…" He was okay. He looked okay, Meredith thought as he reached for her.

On its side, the bus made it difficult for Meredith to maneuver to get to him. "Your arm!" she called out, noticing the swollen bump. Carefully, she checked him over, he seemed just fine, aside from his broken arm.

The boy swallowed. "I don't feel nothin'," he said, and Meredith nodded. Shock was starting to set in.

She slid her sweater off and put it over him. But not before she noticed the blood smeared on one side of him. "You're bleeding!"

Noah looked down on himself for a second, pulling on his shirt to look closer. "No," the boy shook his head, "I'm not bleeding, it's from over there," Noah pointed behind him.

Meredith leaned forward, following his direction… Who was bleeding? "Stay there okay? Don't go anywhere."

She stepped into the bus.

Meredith climbed awkwardly over the sideways seats to the front. It was hard to see, but… she thought she saw a dark mop of hair and… was that an arm? Above her, metal groaned under the strain of the concrete.

As she neared, she gasped. It was not one child, but two. One on top of the other, blood pooling underneath them.

"No!" Meredith cried when she saw who they were.

xxx

Trapped in traffic deadlock on the other side of the tunnel, Amelia had bore witness to nearly the same thing. The tunnel cracked as a second, smaller shockwave rumbled through.

She leaned over to the cab driver. "Look, I'm a doctor, I gotta go help," she blurted, eyes wide as she surveyed the damage.

"Where's my money?" the driver demanded. Arrogant ass, she thought. The meter read $12.70. She had a twenty and a fiver plus some change. She shoved him the fiver and about a dollar in change.

"That's good right?" she asked, not waiting for a reply before she dashed into the streets toward the carnage. Lives were at stake.

People were streaming out of the tunnel by the dozens, and it seemed like they were mostly okay. But at the far end, she saw something that concerned her. An overturned school bus. The tunnel hadn't completely caved, but a large portion rested on the front half of the bus. Her jog picked up speed, fighting against the current to get there, where there could be more severe injuries.

Two lanes to the left, she saw just the thing she needed. An ambulance. Without further thought, she marched up to the back and swung the doors open.

"Hey! What are you doing?" The paramedic inside asked sharply while he continued compressions on the patient in the rig.

"Commandeering this vessel!" She demanded.

"What?" he asked breathlessly.

"Commandeering, that's the word, right?" Amelia asked more to herself than anyone. She pointed to the patient on the gurney, "Ooh… how long has he been out?"

"Not… long," he continued while his partner bagged the unconscious victim.

Amelia leaned closer and grabbed the patient's limp arm. Her fingers found the pulse point on his wrist. "No pulse… he's dead."

"Not… dead." The medic continued.

Amelia gave him exactly ten seconds before she checked her watch. "Time of death… 10:07 am."

"No!"

"Look," she said, glancing at his name badge, "Deluca, I'm a doctor. A brain surgeon. That man is dead, and if by some miracle, he isn't or you do get a pulse, he's pretty much gorked," she said. "So, you can pound a corpse, or help me with the kiddo's next door."

"Kids?" Deluca asked.

"School bus with a tonne of concrete on it," she thumbed to the chaos outside. "Where's the biggest kit you got?"

The medic grumbled, then tossed her a bag before grabbing his own. "Fine…" he sighed dramatically.

"Deluca! Let's save some lives." They ran to the school bus. As Amelia passed the front, she stopped, seeing a familiar ponytail. "Oh my God, Meredith?" she exclaimed, hovering over a broken passenger window to see her sort- of sister in law bent awkwardly over a seat.

"Thank God! Get over here and help me!" she yelled through the broken window of the bus. "Sofia's unconscious, and-," she sniffed and wiped an eye with the back of her hand. "Anna won't stop bleeding!"

 **A/N:** There! Definitely more to come! And remember, I do write happy endings, kay? Also feel free to check out all my other stories, as I've recently updated many of them!


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N:** Okay everyone, ready for a ride? Big things will be happening for all Characters, starting with Meredith and Amelia. It will take awhile to conclude all storylines, as these next few chapters will focus on one or two pairings each. Anyway! Thanks luciebean, Patsy, and Mandyg67, my ultimate fans! As well as all of you reading, fav/following this fic! You guys rock!

 **Enjoy!**

 _ **Four years ago** :_

 _Cristina's little red Toyota bounced and jounced along the gravel road of the cemetery while Meredith stared straight ahead. Lexie's hand clutched hers, but she hardly squeezed back, her heart and mind full of mixed thoughts and feelings. She didn't notuce when the car stopped, or when her door opened. She barely acknowledged Cristina standing beside her with her crutches._

 _She didn't want to be here._

 _But she did._

 _She'd been in the hospital for nearly two months. Three weeks of which she didn't remember. And the remainder had been hell. She lost her baby, and with it, she felt like she lost herself._

" _Meredith?" Lexie'_ _s voice pulled her out of her reverie, but she didn't want to move. She couldn't._

" _It's okay, take your time," Cristina said._

 _Cristina waited._

 _Lexie waited._

 _Their stares weighed on her, and if she had the emotional energy to snap at them, she probably would have. But Meredith gave in, reaching for her crutches, somehow finding the strength to pull herself up. Her breath caught when she was upright, wincing at the sun in her eyes. Why did it have to be nice out today? Ahead of her, a little to the right was Derek's grave. And behind it, under a tree was Grace's. A little white stone in the ground._

 _Mark had videotaped the service. They'd had it a week after her accident, when she was still in a coma. But this was her first time here to see her baby. Meredith wobbled, biting back the ache of grief. She felt hands steadying her as she shuffled forward. But she pulled away from them toward the tree. She stopped and stared at the simple plaque. 'Baby Grey-Shepherd.' It read simply, with only one date._

 _Meredith dropped her crutches and lowered herself slowly to the ground. Tracing the 'B' with her finger, she didn't know what to say, what to do. Her pelvis ached. Her chest ached. Penance, she supposed."I was going to name you Grace," she whispered. "Because… you…" she hiccuped, her chest heaving. "After Derek- after he got shot, you… you saved me. You weren't even bigger than a pea, but you saved me. So I was going to name you Grace."_

 _Memories surfaced: Her first ultrasound Lexie framed and put on the mantle; Staring at her slender figure in the mirror with her hand over her belly-button trying to see a bump; In the tub with rubber duckies she picked up at the dollar store, talking to the baby; The day she actually 'popped' and no one would leave her belly alone. More ultrasounds. Listening to the heartbeat. Feeling the baby move around inside her. Her first kick. "You kicked me a lot, you know," she muttered, wiping an eye._

 _And then it hit her. She never got to hold her baby Grace. "Oh," Meredith gasped."I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. It should have been me. I wish it was me. I'm sorry… I couldn't… I didn't-," she swallowed. "I didn't protect you."_ _Emptiness swallowed her. There was nothing more she could say. Stroking the stone, she laid beside the grave and cried._

xxx

 **Now:**

Time stopped, and all Meredith could do was hold pressure. The world spun around her a thousand miles an hour, but Meredith only saw Anna's blood running rivelets through her fingers and under her palms as she tried to stop the bleeding. How did this happen? How did she get here? If she'd ignored Lexie's freakout… Meredith swallowed. She already lost Zola, now this?

"Mere," Amelia said in the background.

Meredith couldn't respond. Anna's breathing shallowed and her eyes closed. "Anna!" she shouted, rubbing the girl's sternum.

Her eyelids fluttered, grey-green locked on grey-green. Anna's gaze slowly focused back on her, and Meredith saw a flicker of recognition from the girl "Docker Merediff?" she whispered.

"Yeah," Meredith replied, keeping pressure on the cut in Anna's abdomen.

"I gotta cut?" Anna asked, wincing.

"Yeah," Meredith said. "But I got it. You're gonna be… it's gonna be okay," she nodded even as the blood seeped under her bare palm.

Anna's hand slipped on top of hers, "Maybe I'll see my mommy," she said quietly, her gaze drifting up and above Meredith, over her shoulder. "Noah says she's in heaven" the girl said matter-of-factly.

"You can't. There's a mommy who wants you here, so you can't go. You need to stay here," Meredith argued. She'd lost enough. She wasn't going to lose Anna. Even if she never saw her again.

"Merediff," Anna continued, "I wish… I wish you were my mommy."

God, thought Meredith, when the universe wanted to be cruel, it just went right for the jugular didn't it? Under her blood-soaked hand, Anna's abdomen rose and fell with every gasp. "Anna, you're gonna be okay." With her free hand, she felt for a pulse.

"Tired," the girl said, closing her eyes.

"Anna..." she begged. There was just so much blood.

"Meredith!" Amelia shouted. "Sofia's not responding. Her pupils are sluggish. We need to get them to a hospital!"

Meredith blinked, lost.

xxx

 **Several Weeks Ago:**

 _Meredith stood in front of Grace's room. The door was closed and had been for a long time. But April and Jackson would be here in a couple hours, so she had to get closure. Squeezing the brass doorknob, Meredith pushed the door open a crack and slid through._

 _The curtains were open, and the sun lit the room in a warm glow. The walls were lavender, and combined with the daylight glow, it made the room a soft magenta._

 _Her hand brushed the wall by the crib. She'd painted it the day after she found out she was having a girl. The crib Alex helped her buy was still folded against the wall. He was supposed to help her put it together… but-_

 _Meredith wrapped her arms tightly around herself as memories came back. The rocking chair was from Richard. There was a row of plush toys people had bought her throughout her pregnancy. She picked up one of the bunnies and stroked it before setting it down. The model Ferryboat was from Derek's office. She needed a piece of him there._

 _And of course, she smiled at the box of newborn/infant diapers Bailey had brought. Always the practical one, Bailey had been the first to reassure her and prepare her for being a mother. Unopened presents that the Shepherd sisters had sent in advance for her baby shower covered the change table. Folded up on the dresser were oodles of baby clothes; onesies, little hats, and booties._

 _She picked up a white onesie. In rainbow colors, 'I am loved,' was stitched on the front. She wasn't sure, but she thought she got it from Arizona. Meredith clutched it, running a hand over the soft cloth before lowering herself to the floor. Folding her legs indian-style, she spread the onesie between her knees. She stared at it for a long time, folding and unfolding it before she spoke. "Hi," she rasped to the empty room. Except it wasn't empty. Her baby was here. "I'm sorry I haven't visited. I've been… I don't know," she sniffed. It hurt to be here. She'd been preparing for motherhood, for birth, for life. And then all she had was emptiness. Coming here was always painful. But today it was necessary._

 _Meredith reached into her pocket and pulled out a rumpled piece of grey construction paper. On it was a picture from a coloring book of a child being pushed on a swing. "I didn't think I could do it, be a mom. Especially…" her gaze drifted to the Ferryboat. "Especially without Derek._

" _But then I saw you."_ _The day of Derek's funeral, she'd had the ultrasound. She hadn't been feeling well, and it was Addison who took her and did the_ _sonagram_ _They'd both been emotional wrecks, but seeing the ultrasound even that early had been reassuring._

" _You were just a blob. But you were a piece of me and him, and I had to do it,"_ _s_ _he paused and let out a shuddering breath. "I think about you all the time. Whenever I see a pregnant lady, or a baby, or…"_ _When she saw Anna..._ _"I think about you. You probably would have had his hair,_ _a_ _nd maybe you would be chatty, like him. But I would be fine with it if you were quiet too,"_ _Meredith_ _sighed. "I wish I could've at least held you. I really would've liked to hold you."_

 _It was so quiet in the room she could hear the birds sing outside. Her eyes burned with tears, but she didn't wipe them away. "I um… I have to ask you something._

" _I'm trying to be…"_ _Whole? Healed? She wasn't sure she would ever be again. The losses were too great, the pain too much. But- "_ _I'm trying… to find me again. When I lost you I lost myself too. It was pretty bad."_

 _She wanted to give up. More than once, she wanted to stop living, and just lay there and fade away. But it'd been four years now. Almost five, and she couldn't be like that anymore. She was meant to be extraordinary, she was born to save lives._

" _And… I um-," Meredith stumbled, "I need to see this through. I need to be a mom. I need to try. It's like there's this hole in me that won't heal."_ _She almost couldn't bear it now, the thought of being a tired old spinster. That wasn't her. That wasn't who she wanted to be. Meredith had finally come to realize that she wanted more._

" _H_ _er name is Anna, she's really something. But she's all alone. And I thought… I could be her mom. She doesn't have anyone." Meredith looked down at the picture of the girl on the swing_ _while_ _pick_ _ing_ _at the carpet. "I'm not replacing you, I couldn't. Not ever. I love you so much. But I need to move forward. I need to love someone again. I need to feel…" she sniveled, unable to articulate how she felt that moment when she woke up next to the little girl. How it felt to have little hands poke her like her baby had kicked her. How it felt to carry her in her arms,_ _to look at her sweet face and wonder about the future._ _It was something she'd never expected, never realized she wanted_ _again._ _But now that she had a taste..._

" _I_ _s it okay?" Meredith asked, "_ _if_ _she has your room? If I give some of your stuff away? April's having a baby too, a girl. I had a fight with her, so I wanna make it up somehow," she rambled._ _Wiping her wet cheeks, she waited for an answer_ _._

 _The sun lowered, the orange glow overpowering the lavender shaded room, bathing her in warmth. She exhaled and closed her eyes. Something was happening. A sudden peace filled her, the pain lessened, the guilt eased. It was like Grace was there._

" _Okay," Meredith nodded. She had her answer, and it felt_ _wonderful_ _. She sat there for a while,_ _paying her respects,_ _then pulled herself up. She picked up Derek's Ferryboat, Anna's picture, and the onesie. Giving one final look around the room, she stepped out and closed the door._

xxx

 **Now:**

"Meredith Grey! Snap out of it! Wake up! We need you!"

Meredith shook herself out her daze. What could she do? Anna's skin was clammy, and her baby pink tones were gone. She'd been holding pressure for several minutes, but the bleeding continued. She looked at the chaos around her. How would they get to a hospital? Traffic in the tunnel was deadlocked. Even if they pulled the girls out of here, the ambulances couldn't move. On foot the hospital was… twenty minutes away.

She looked back down at Anna, then over at Amelia and Sofia. Her sort-of-niece had a large purple bruise on her head, and looked so still. Too still.

"Mere," Amelia called again, breathless. She looked into her eyes, Derek's eyes. She saw him. Calling her, pulling her out of the grey mess.

 _You can do this._

 _You're not finished._

They weren't finished. She wasn't finished. Hoping, loving. Being.

"Cautery," she said.

"What?" Amelia asked.

"You," Meredith snapped at the young man beside her. "Go to my car, the grey Lexus," she flung him her keys. "In the back, there's an emergency surgical kit. Get it. And leave your bag. I'm gonna need that." She licked her dry lips, tasting blood. Instinctively the back of her hand brushed her forehead and she felt pain. Dammit, she'd cut herself, but it didn't matter. "Amy, I need you to…" she blinked thinking. "I need an IV, saline, fluids, plasma if he's got it." She shifted slightly, trying to maintain pressure.

Amelia nodded, "Ok," quickly rummaging through the paramedic's bag.

"How's Sofia?" asked Meredith.

"Her pupils are still sluggish. She hasn't gained consciousness. But she's breathing and her pulse is steady."

"Good." Meredith nodded. There was nothing they could do at the moment for Sofia. She was already wrapped in a blanket for shock.

"She better be. She's practically my niece. Mark would kill me if anything happened to her." Amelia clambered over the seat, snapping on gloves to her help with the IV's.

"Yeah," Meredith whispered, grabbing a tourniquete for Anna's arm.

"No plasma, but I found a wide bore IV for the saline. That'll help maintain her pressure."

"Good." Meredith blinked, trying to focus. Trying to think. "Pain meds. Is there any there?"

"Yeah…" Amy said, digging out a bottle of Morphine. "Meredith, what's the plan here?"

"I'm going to have to cut her open, find the source of the bleed, and cauterize it." The blood was a dark red color, meaning it was deoxygenated blood from a vein. Which was a good thing. If it was arterial, Anna wouldn't have made it this far. "Got a lighter?" she asked. Amelia didn't smoke, but Meredith knew she kept one because people at her AA meetings sometimes needed it.

"Yeah. Mere?"

Meredith glanced at her sister-in-law, seeing her questioning gaze."It's the only way." It'll just be temporary, till we get an OR."

"Ok."

"I got the kit!" The man returned. He was a paramedic. Meredith noticed his badge said, A. Deluca. "I also grabbed this blanket I found in the trunk."

Derek's ratty blanket from the trailer. "Good, okay. And we'll need the stretcher."

"Uhh..." Deluca hesitated, staring back at his ambulance.

"There's a dead guy on his stretcher," Amelia said.

"Well, We need something, we'll have to transport them." Meredith snapped on a pair of gloves, leaving it to him to figure it out. Worst case, they'd carry them, but that could lead to complications like torn stitches, or it could exacerbate Sofia's head injury.

Amelia pulled gauze and sterile towels from Deluca's kit while Meredith opened her surgical kit one-handed.

"Okay, what do we do?" Amelia asked.

"Help me move her, I need to lie her flat."

"Got it." Carefully, they eased out of the bus, Amelia taking Anna's upper body, and Meredith grabbing her legs. The two of them laid the little girl flat on the ground.

"Okay," Meredith cut off Anna's shirt and peeled it off. With a sterile towel, she wiped the blood off the wound. The gash was sizeable and fairly deep, but it didn't seem as bad as she thought. "Okay," she did the math in her head, calculating Anna's estimated body weight to get a ratio for morphine. "1 mg of Morphine."

So focused were the surgeons, that they didn't notice several bystanders recording them on their camera-phones.

When Meredith pressed her hand into the abdomen, Anna winced, "Owww!" she moaned, but then fell silent as the morphine took her. "Watch her breathing," Meredith commanded.

"It's good, she's good, Mere. Do it." Amelia had grabbed a small bottle of oxygen and a mask and held it over Anna's mouth.

Meredith moved her fingers inside, searching for the bleed. Finally, she found it. The external Iliac vein. "Okay." In an OR, she would have time to stitch the vein back together… But here? Now? She'd have to do a graft later. "Got that lighter?"

"Yeah," Amelia pulled it out.

"Okay." Meredith used a scalpel to widen the wound, get more visibility. She didn't have suction, but her finger was right there, on the pulsating vein. She picked up the smallest forcep in her kit. "All right, heat that up please." Amelia ran the flame under the tines of the clamp for several long seconds.

Meredith took a deep breath. "Sorry," she muttered to Anna as she swiftly brought the forceps down on the wound. The smell of burning flesh made her gag, and Anna's body jerked, though she didn't waken. Meredith continued holding it there. "It's gonna be okay. You're okay," she said tearfully. Perhaps more to herself this time. "I need a zipper stitch," she called as she packed the rest of the wound. Amelia pulled out the small plastic device that would temporarily 'zip' her incision back together. The two of them applied the device before wrapping her in more bandages.

"I got a stretcher," Deluca ran up with the lightweight ambulance stretcher rolling along beside him.

"What happened to-," Amelia started, then made a face. "Nevermind."

"Okay, let's move them both," Meredith said, wrapping Anna in Derek's blanket. Together, the three of them lifted Anna onto the stretcher, and carefully strapped her in. Then, on the other side, they strapped Sofia in.

"Mommy," the girl called, looking up.

"Hey," Amelia said, "You're awake kiddo, that's great."

"My head…" Sofia pouted.

"You're going to be just fine," Amelia said as she hung up the IV bags.

"Let's go." Meredith straightened up and gripped one end of the rolling stretcher. There was no time to waste.

"Got it," said Amelia. But before they moved forward they noticed the crowd. People everywhere surrounded them, in awe of the surgeon's skill, and the unusual surgery they had witnessed.

It didn't impress Meredith. "Move people!" she snarled, they had lives to save.

xxx

 **A/N:** There we go, people! Please review! If you log in and review, I will send you a preview of the next chapter when it's almost ready to be updated.

Also, the medical stuff is all made up... I'm a writer, not a doctor!


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